Ex and contact with our daughter

A bit of the back story...My ex and i were together for 3 years when i got pregnant with our daughter, she was planned i was 36 and she is my first child my ex has 10 year old twins from a previous relationship who he sees every weekend, admittedly it was me that wanted our daughter when my ex and i discussed trying for a baby he admitted he wasnt as excited as me about the idea but said he would have one more child with me.

Once i had my daughter i was immediately quite shocked at how little he actually helped me with her, she was quite a difficult baby she had colic reflux and milk allergy so didnt sleep alot at first, my ex had a 2 week paternity leave then had to go back to work so i didnt expect him to do alot as he was working and i was on maternity leave however wen he did have our daughter on a night for an hour or so it was astho he was doing me a favour? Even saying to me if i asked for a little more help 'but i work!' Things got progressively worse after that i did every single night feed myself even at weekends when he was off not once did he offer to do it, i admit i became resentful esp when i got no help with housework and when the twins came on a weekend i also had them to look after too with no help from him, things came to a head resulting in him telling me he didnt feel the same about me anymore and we split, i moved back to my parents with my 10 month old daughter.

Since the split my ex has stayed in contact and picks up my daughter mainly when i have to work however i went back to work part time so this in effect only adds up to approx 11 hours per week that he has her, several times hes let me down and hasnt picked het up only letting me no last minute, he refuses to have her over night too, ive bitten my tongue for a long time because i dont want anything to impact on my daughter who does love her dad and he is good with her when he has her but his lack of interest n letting her down has brought things to a head and last night we had a huge arguement (not infront of my daughter) i told him how i felt and gave him a few home truths which did not go down well so he brought our daughter home early and is now refusing to have her until i 'stop hasseling him' im at a loss what to do next all i want is for him to take more of an interest in our daughter.

You can’t make somebody take an interest . That has to come from them and them alone . But for your daughter’s sake I would not make it harder for her to have a relationship with her father it’s going to be hard enough already . I can see your point too though that you want him to be interested in his child . He did pretty much indicate to you though that he would only have a child to make you happy . He was probably not interested in having a third child .

Just facilitate a good relationship between your daughter and her father . That is the best that you can do with this situation .

Surely though u dont agree to having a child to make someone happy, i asked him several times if he was sure it was what he wanted too and each time he said yes, we were trying for her for a long time he had ample time to tell me if he didnt want her.

Surely though u dont agree to having a child to make someone happy, i asked him several times if he was sure it was what he wanted too and each time he said yes, we were trying for her for a long time he had ample time to tell me if he didnt want her.

Some people do do that. Yes. Either way she is here now. But you can’t force his interest. All you can do is help her to have a good relationship with her dad.

My dad never wanted kids but only had them with my mom to trap her to him. He has even told us that. He trapped her so he could have a place to live ,a meal ticket. He has a very estranged relationship with me and my brother. And for decades that broke my heart. Now I don’t care much and seldom make contact . But it definitely altered who I am . And my brother too.

My own dad stopped seeing my brother and i when i was 10 n i feel like ive had a broken heart ever since, i dont want that for my daughter i just want him to treat her right, i feel so guilty for speaking up to him yestetday because now hes refusing to see her i just dont know where to go from here..

My own dad stopped seeing my brother and i when i was 10 n i feel like ive had a broken heart ever since, i dont want that for my daughter i just want him to treat her right, i feel so guilty for speaking up to him yestetday because now hes refusing to see her i just dont know where to go from here..

Then we both know how that feels and my heart hurts for the both of you. And we both know you can’t force interest. Just keep providing opportunities for them to be together.

At the moment after yesterdays arguement its stale mate, neither of us have contacted each other and the last thing he said was that he wasnt having her anymore, if i ask him to see her its like me saying what hes been doing is ok

At the moment after yesterdays arguement its stale mate, neither of us have contacted each other and the last thing he said was that he wasnt having her anymore, if i ask him to see her its like me saying what hes been doing is ok

What is more important? He does it the way you like it or she has attention from her father? If he misses appointments don’t tell her she’s going until he’s actually on his way there . If she’s a toddler she can’t get upset about something she doesn’t know about . Any positive attention she gets from her father is good . Or she will just grow up as another fatherless little girl with a big hole in her heart .

Shes only 17 months old

Shes only 17 months old

So, yes she doesn’t know when dad is “ supposed “ to show up . Let her be happy WHEN he shows up. If he is a good dad when with her let him be that.

So do u think i just wait it out and hope he contacts me to see her?

What does the visitation and custody agreement that you have drawn up with the courts say? What is the schedule that is set up?

Unless he is endangering her life in some way, set your ego aside and put the needs of your daughter before your resentment and bitterness.

If you do everything you can to facilitate a relationship with her dad and he still doesn’t step up... she will eventually make up her own mind about him. If you don’t, she will grow up resenting you.

There is nothing drawn up by a court we havent been to court, thing is ive never once tried to stop my ex seeing his daughter it is him that is saying he will not see her unless i stop criticising him so in other words i have to shut up and put up or he wont see her no matter how he treats her

Is he good to her when he sees her?

Yes he is its just all on his terms wen he has her and not much effort made il give u an example, wen we split he moved back in with his mother who lives in a static caravan obv they arent huge but his reason for not having her overnight is because theres not enough room? Surely he should WANT to have her overnight n if so im sure he could find a way - travel cots arent huge.....

How do i bite my lip when he isnt treating her as she deserves it kills me inside

Because ive spoken up n dared to challenge him hes now made it so i have to stay quiet or he wont have her

The point IS he is good with her. So you need to foster that. If you want to make demands you have to go through the court. What you expect and what he’s going to do is totally different . However your daughter needs a relationship with her father so I would just suck it up . The less you fight with him is the more relationship she has with her dad .

So if i ask him to see her its like me begging him to now see her and treat her however he likes, this little girl is my everything how can i do that?

So if i ask him to see her its like me begging him to now see her and treat her however he likes, this little girl is my everything how can i do that?

If she is your everything then you let her have a relationship with her dad. As she grows she will make up her own mind and you never know he may turn out to be a better dad than you think.

But im not stopping him seeing her its him thats refusing to have her

But im not stopping him seeing her its him thats refusing to have her

What I mean is you have to stop criticizing. Do I think he should his daughter more? Yes. But you have to deal with what is. Do not criticize and maybe it will get better. Swallow humble pie for her sake.

Ive put so much love and effort into this beautiful little girl this is breaking my heart, im her protector so how can i not say anything when hes treating her like someone he sees when he decides he has time

Ive put so much love and effort into this beautiful little girl this is breaking my heart, im her protector so how can i not say anything when hes treating her like someone he sees when he decides he has time

I get that. But seeming her dad is important. From your own experience it should tell you how important that is.