Cant fight anymore

I will try to make this as short as I can.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself..I just don't have the will to go n anymore. Ever since I was a child, I have been abused. My original abuser was my father who was an alcoholic. I suffered verbal and sexual abuse. My childhood was terrible to say the least. He drank and gambled our money away. My poor mom...she passed away 2 years ago...put up with his abuse too. Back in the 60's there wasn't Day care so we couldn't leave. Then as I became older, I was raped twice and had a series of abusive relationships...2 were my ex-husbands. The recent husband was the worst. He was extremely controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive. He actually made a list of words/phrases I wasn't allowed to say, several times in our marriage he wouldn't allow me to buy myself food...he would always eat out. You're wondering why I didn't leave? Well his car broke down and he used mine to go to work. We lived out in the country so no buses or anything. No family around either. Oh..I forgot. When I was married to my first husband, we had 3 children. The middle one was born with a physical disability and had to have several hip surgeries. She was in a body cast for 3 months. My youngest was born with autism. I had to take care of everything myself...their father was extremely lazy and wouldn't do anything to help me. My son had severe behavioral issues as a child...he's much better now that he's older but will never be able to work or live on his own. Long story but he lives mainly with his father but I get him about 40% of the time. During my second marriage I worked as a phlebotomist and put myself through nursing school. Unfortunately, developed fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Eventually I developed heart problems as well and had to go on disability. Fast forward to now...I left recent husband 4 1/2 years ago and moved back to my home state. I started noticing that I was feeling worse physically so I went through a lot of testing and was diagnosed with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. My back is a total mess too..2 ruptured discs, a slipped disc that is sitting sideways in my spine, and scoliosis. This past Thursday, my evil pain doctor will not prescribe tramadol for me anymore. Too long to get not but he's had numerous complaints against him. So I sit here in crippling, excruciating pain on a daily basis. I also have degenerative neuropathy, chronic migraines, chronic bronchitis, asthma and sleep apnea. Never smoked a day in my life. I have no one to help me...no one. My daughters are too into themselves...they both live within driving distance. I took care of my mom when she got older...if she needed me, no matter how busy I was, I would be there. I need help desperately but have no ne o near me. I'm getting a helper for two days a week, which is great, but I need my children so badly. I haven't had a hug for years, I miss having someone to hold me when I feel like giving up. I go to counseling but that isn't helping. I feel so lost and alone...I cry myself to sleep or cry no matter what time it is. Death seems like such a wonderful escape...no more pain...physical or emotional. I know that I wouldn't be missed...the only ne who cares is my son. I just can't fight the demons anymore...my will to live is gone. After so many years of needing to be strong, I don't have anymore energy or strength to deal with things. Just recently I was in the ER with pneumonia and acute bronchitis. A few days later I developed shingles in my left eye. The pain was terrible!

I know this is way too long to read but I had to get it out of my system. I am just so very, very tired and ready to give up...it's getting harder every day to fight it. I could be with my mom...oh, and I lost my best friend of 52 years last summer. She was my rock and more like a sister. Just too much...I just can't take life anymore

Do not be alone right now. Please call a suicide hotline in your country. Call your son.

Dear Sandy*

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. I wish I could reach in and pull it out for you.

What I've found is that suicide isn't actually that easy. Only 1 in about 30 attempts actually succeed.

Can you please post again soon.

This video helped me through the darkest of times just recently: https://youtu.be/lXi7vcnvl5c

Get through tonight ok. Let us know.

Sending You Strength

Carus*

@sandyclaus30

I am sorry your going thru all this. Everything that happened is terrible .

Please call your son . If I were your daughter I would care what happens to u .So I am sure your son wants u to lean on him.

Sandy, I am so grateful you posted here, it does mean you want to get help, you want to get through this. I've been where you are, different circumstances, but there was a time I didn't think I could go on. I was actually googling methods and found the suicide forum, and met some amazing friends who truly saved my life. I didn't want to die, I just didn't know how to cope with the pain and with my situation. I had no one to turn to.

The fact that you reached out here, shows you do want to get through this. You just need help. You're not alone. Please keep posting. Call the suicide hotline. Call your son. PM me and we can talk. Your situation is terrible, I'm so sorry. But today is not your always. You can get through this and make changes. ((hugs)) Please keep posting.

I'm still here..barely. Can't call my son..he has Autism and he's not high functioning..it would only cause him to panic and become upset and I don't want to do that. I have a horrible migraine due to the hot, humid weather...can't turn down my AC because I can't afford my electric as it is.

Glad to hear from you Sandy* I'm still here barely too x

How is your diet? Also perhaps some guided meditation/ inner child work may help?

Can you source some Tramadol perhaps on the internet or something to help in the short term?

Here's a virtual ((Hug))

Carus*