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Hello all, I am Amelia. I'm in my younger 20s who live alone in a city where I attend school. Raised by my mom who is hundred of miles away and father abandoned me but loved my half siblings( he passed away severeal years ago) I also went through a huge life transformation where I lost over 100 pounds. I do not say this to brag but to provide explanation for my mental state. Since the weight loss, I suffer from severe anxiety and OCD. I've also been attracting different kinds of guys(actually a small amount of guys talked to me before). Since I suffer from very low self esteem, I believe these good for nothing guys are one of a kind.

 

I dated this guy last year who I thought was this amazing, handsome, charming, funny young man. He was only in town on business but the time we spent together was amazing. Things did move really quickly. He was calling me baby and said he wanted to marry me after the first night! (Even attempts to have sex with me and said he thought for sure I was going to sleep with him on the first night).

 

I was stupid, I ignored all red flags and wanted him depserately. When he left, his effort stopped instantly. Which in reaction to feeling abandoned, I acted really needy and desperate for his attention by sending cute messages, asking how he was, and sending him pictures of myself. He go weeks without talking to me claiming hes a busy guy.

 

I tried to deal with it but it was hard. After months of his hot and cold game, I got more and more attached. It seemed like the more I chased the more he pulled than when I gave up he returned(I let him back with open arms unfortunately). I even went to his hometown only to be stood up(he stopped contacting me out of nowhere a few days before I was to arrive despite acting like he was so happy to see me). Which really made me question my self worth and made me rage.

 

Embrassing enough, after he stood me up I've literally cusssed him out, apologized, cussed him out again, then apologized again only to get no response from either of these. I think I was just trying to get a single repsonse, and it never happened. He hasnt spoken to me since he stood me up so technically I was ghosted because things were going great before then POOF, I was even trying to help him mend things with his family.

 

No this wasn't years worth of time wasted but I truly did care for him and tried to give it my all. The situation really made me question my phyical, mental, and goals in life( he would always tell me I was too ordinary for him since I wanted to be a lawyer and he loved to be around those who drinked alcohol and he was a coming up musician).

 

I guess I'm just asking for any type of advice, I literally still obess over the situation. There is a good guy who is trying to pursue me and I'm having trouble letting him in. Its like I'm over the past guy but still want some type of validation from him or wish I would of left with more dignity(my last message to him was an apology for asking for him to put in effort...UGH). I still fantasize about him, and always think about what I could of done differently to have won his affection. Him acting like I was the most amazing girl on earth than treating me like a stranger definitly didnt help either. Being ghosted made it even worse. I feel horrible. I wish I can get him out my mind and forgive myself for being so desperate. I think that's a major thing too, I literally hate myself for acting that way.

 

If anyone would like to help me...I will appreciate it so much. Thank you Enotalone

 

 

Amelia...

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You aren't over the first guy, not at all. If you were you would not be rehashing all of the events during the time he was in your life. I think you could benefit from some counselling to help you get over him for good and learn how to pick a better person to spend your time with. That guy does not sound like any sort of prize but your pursuing and chasing him and being over the top needy and clingy certainly helped chase him away.

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You aren't over the first guy, not at all. If you were you would not be rehashing all of the events during the time he was in your life. I think you could benefit from some counselling to help you get over him for good and learn how to pick a better person to spend your time with. That guy does not sound like any sort of prize but your pursuing and chasing him and being over the top needy and clingy certainly helped chase him away.

 

Yes I agree, however, he started to back off before the neediness and clinginess kicked in.Therefore, triggering the neediness. But no excuse what so ever, now thinking of it. I'm not completely over him which is probably why its affecting me so much. Thank you for the feedback :)

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I guess I'm just asking for any type of advice, I literally still obess over the situation. There is a good guy who is trying to pursue me and I'm having trouble letting him in. Its like I'm over the past guy but still want some type of validation from him or wish I would of left with more dignity(my last message to him was an apology for asking for him to put in effort...UGH). I still fantasize about him, and always think about what I could of done differently to have won his affection. Him acting like I was the most amazing girl on earth than treating me like a stranger definitly didnt help either. Being ghosted made it even worse. I feel horrible. I wish I can get him out my mind and forgive myself for being so desperate. I think that's a major thing too, I literally hate myself for acting that way.

 

An over-inflated ego and low self-esteem go hand in hand... "humble yourself before you get humiliated" applies here. When we are being needy and clingy, it's actually our ego driving us to try and assert control over the situation, and the reason we are trying to assert control is because we believe that our validation comes from having someone want / need us, which where the low self esteem kicks in.

 

You can't fix how you feel on the inside with outside things... losing weight, men wanting you, those things will not take away your anxiety or improve your self esteem. The only way to improve self-esteem is to do things that build confidence. Acting with dignity and integrity when you don't get your way... gracefully letting go when someone doesn't want you... not going after men that "love bomb" you... those are things that will improve confidence and self respect.

 

Chin up... this is not an easy thing, I have pretty low self esteem at times too and it's a constant work in progress for me to stay in the moment and not let my ego control the situation.

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An over-inflated ego and low self-esteem go hand in hand... "humble yourself before you get humiliated" applies here. When we are being needy and clingy, it's actually our ego driving us to try and assert control over the situation, and the reason we are trying to assert control is because we believe that our validation comes from having someone want / need us, which where the low self esteem kicks in.

 

You can't fix how you feel on the inside with outside things... losing weight, men wanting you, those things will not take away your anxiety or improve your self esteem. The only way to improve self-esteem is to do things that build confidence. Acting with dignity and integrity when you don't get your way... gracefully letting go when someone doesn't want you... not going after men that "love bomb" you... those are things that will improve confidence and self respect.

 

Chin up... this is not an easy thing, I have pretty low self esteem at times too and it's a constant work in progress for me to stay in the moment and not let my ego control the situation.

 

Thank you so much.. its so weird to think of myself with an "over-inflated ego" since my entire life I was bullied because of my weight. I guess I developed one after the weight loss even though I blame my weight loss on my recently diagnosed mental disorders. I always had low self confidence but I guess it went up then kind of was knocked down. The problem was my confidence didnt go up because I lost weight and my new look but because I was getting attention from people that I never got before. Which has caused dependancy on others opinions. He had a huge ego as well(talked about how famous he was and how many celebritites he knew) and we fed eachother egos(so horrible :( ). When he stopped feeding mines I panicked and continued to feed his so he can return the affection again.

 

This has gave me some good perspective. Part of moving on is hearing the tough criticism about yourself as well. It does make me anxious but helping me as well! Thank you so much Maew!

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Make a list of all the things you do like about yourself and your good traits.

 

All the things that any guy would be lucky to have.

 

We all make mistakes and do silly things, I'm certainly guilty of giving too much to undeserving men over the years and chasing after them for nothing in return.

 

I've also been on the other side and treated men not so nicely.

 

Think about what you want in a relationship and from a man, and don't settle for less.

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Make a list of all the things you do like about yourself and your good traits.

 

All the things that any guy would be lucky to have.

 

We all make mistakes and do silly things, I'm certainly guilty of giving too much to undeserving men over the years and chasing after them for nothing in return.

 

I've also been on the other side and treated men not so nicely.

 

Think about what you want in a relationship and from a man, and don't settle for less.

 

Thank you so much, about to go fetch a pen and notebook and try that now :)

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An over-inflated ego and low self-esteem go hand in hand... "humble yourself before you get humiliated" applies here. When we are being needy and clingy, it's actually our ego driving us to try and assert control over the situation, and the reason we are trying to assert control is because we believe that our validation comes from having someone want / need us, which where the low self esteem kicks in.

 

You can't fix how you feel on the inside with outside things... losing weight, men wanting you, those things will not take away your anxiety or improve your self esteem. The only way to improve self-esteem is to do things that build confidence. Acting with dignity and integrity when you don't get your way... gracefully letting go when someone doesn't want you... not going after men that "love bomb" you... those are things that will improve confidence and self respect.

 

Chin up... this is not an easy thing

 

I think this is excellent advice.

 

How do I forgive myself for the way I acted though? I literally wince and cringe everytime I think of how I acted, causing more self loathing...

 

Just go ahead and forgive yourself. You didn't hurt anyone; you just overextended yourself. Not a crime by any means.

 

You went for what you wanted. That's a good trait to have.

 

It didn't work out, and that's probably for the best. So maybe you made a bad decision. Big deal. Nobody got hurt, did they? You just got an ego bruise. And it was probably a blessing in disguise, so brush off and carry on.

 

Focus on the positive in your life. Appreciate the 'little' things, and build confidence slowly and surely.

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I think this is excellent advice.

 

 

 

Just go ahead and forgive yourself. You didn't hurt anyone; you just overextended yourself. Not a crime by any means.

 

You went for what you wanted. That's a good trait to have.

 

It didn't work out, and that's probably for the best. So maybe you made a bad decision. Big deal. Nobody got hurt, did they? You just got an ego bruise. And it was probably a blessing in disguise, so brush off and carry on.

 

Focus on the positive in your life. Appreciate the 'little' things, and build confidence slowly and surely.

 

Thank you, he did lead me on but I was dumb falling for it and continue to fall for it when he would leave when I required effort than come back when he felt I was moving on. I definitely regret not walking away with integrity and dignity as the last person said. That's my main battle, but you live and you learn. My last message to him was a month and a half ago and the last one. Just trying to find my peace with the situation and the advice on this site is helping already! Thank you for your response :)

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How do I forgive myself for the way I acted though? I literally wince and cringe everytime I think of how I acted, causing more self loathing...

 

This is a manifestation of what is called false humility: "Tendency to be self-despising or to belittle oneself, to be self-deprecating around others, excessively modest, due to feeling inferior, useless, or unworthy." or "Self-defeating mind-set and poor self-image, evaluating oneself too negatively – I’m a failure, I’m worthless, I can’t do anything right, no one likes me."

 

If you were bullied your whole life, every time you made a mistake this has probably been your go to response.

 

You need to start by changing your response to these situations. There is nothing you can do about past behaviors... what's done is done; obsessing over it and dwelling on it won't change anything and will just keep you stuck.

 

Learn from it, feel the feelings around it, and use this as an opportunity to change how you respond in these situations. Develop a thicker skin. Learn to develop true humility: "Balanced view of self and good understanding of personal strengths and weaknesses, and one’s role and position in the wider community and society".

 

One of the ways I did this was by giving back to my community... which got me to stop thinking of myself and my problems as so huge and gave me some perspective of feeling grateful and fortunate and appreciative of my life... it made my problems seem much smaller.

 

Hopefully you are also doing counselling, or seeing a life coach, and doing wonderful things for yourself that help build confidence and self-esteem.

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This is an off-the-wall comment, but how about changing your name? When a girlfriend of mine lost a lot of weight (before I met her) she changed her name from Liz to Elizabeth (not her real name). Changing her name from a nickname to a her full name made her feel completely different, like a new person. And I think people treated her more formally when she started using her formal name. It's a psychological cheap fix, but you might try it. Some people start using their middle names (Marie for Anna Marie) or a shortened version of their last name (Sully for Sullivan). Give it a try.

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This is a manifestation of what is called false humility: "Tendency to be self-despising or to belittle oneself, to be self-deprecating around others, excessively modest, due to feeling inferior, useless, or unworthy." or "Self-defeating mind-set and poor self-image, evaluating oneself too negatively – I’m a failure, I’m worthless, I can’t do anything right, no one likes me."

 

If you were bullied your whole life, every time you made a mistake this has probably been your go to response.

 

You need to start by changing your response to these situations. There is nothing you can do about past behaviors... what's done is done; obsessing over it and dwelling on it won't change anything and will just keep you stuck.

 

Learn from it, feel the feelings around it, and use this as an opportunity to change how you respond in these situations. Develop a thicker skin. Learn to develop true humility: "Balanced view of self and good understanding of personal strengths and weaknesses, and one’s role and position in the wider community and society".

 

One of the ways I did this was by giving back to my community... which got me to stop thinking of myself and my problems as so huge and gave me some perspective of feeling grateful and fortunate and appreciative of my life... it made my problems seem much smaller.

 

Hopefully you are also doing counselling, or seeing a life coach, and doing wonderful things for yourself that help build confidence and self-esteem.

 

Thank you, I plan to starting counselling soon because its okay to admit your faults but I am very excessive with it. Its time you give myself a peace of mind :)

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This is an off-the-wall comment, but how about changing your name? When a girlfriend of mine lost a lot of weight (before I met her) she changed her name from Liz to Elizabeth (not her real name). Changing her name from a nickname to a her full name made her feel completely different, like a new person. And I think people treated her more formally when she started using her formal name. It's a psychological cheap fix, but you might try it. Some people start using their middle names (Marie for Anna Marie) or a shortened version of their last name (Sully for Sullivan). Give it a try.

 

I actually did start going by MiMi after I lost weight which is funny LOL. Never really thought of the mental behind it but I guess it was my attempt at trying to reinvent myself. However, I do need to work on some of the past issues I had that followed me because physical changes dont necessarily change you mentally. Thank you for the tip :)

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