Is it acceptable for someone you are dating to buy items to leave at your house?

FYI this isn’t a current conflict, it is a drama I had with an ex that I was wondering about.

Background info:

I had been in a relationship with a guy for a couple of months, he would come and see me every few weeks at my house. He would stay for one or two nights and bring enough bags to hold clothes for a fortnights holiday and leave them in the way lying around my place whilst he was here. I had told him there was no need for him to bring so much stuff and just bring what he needed for the weekend so I didn’t have his bags of stuff lying around taking up space. This was an ongoing issue.

He once told me I should buy some squirty hand soap for my house. I told him I don’t use it so I’m not getting any as it’s just clutter to sit on my sink. He said he would buy some for my house, again I told him I don’t want any so don’t bother as I would throw it away as I don’t want clutter. The next time he stayed over I woke up to find he had put squirty soap dispensers in my bathroom and kitchen. This caused an argument, I felt disrespected and that he felt he could come in my house and do whatever he wanted without my say so. I told him I don’t want the soaps and he can take them home with him to use there.

He started making a big scene about how he needed them so I should just let him have them there. He only came over once in a blue moon!!!! I told him if he didn’t take them I would throw them away and that I had already told him he brought too much unecessary stuff and it was out of order for him to go against my wishes. I think he walked off threatening to break up with me (this became a common theme).

So what I’m wondering is, was he disrespectful and rude? How would you have responded in a similar situation? I felt like this person I barely knew, who hardly ever made time for me, thought they could come into my house and treat it like they had control of it and entirely disregard my feelings and wishes. Was I being melodramatic or was it out of line for him to do so?

Your house your rules. His house his rules.

I would have responded just as you did, OP.

He was rude and pushy and disrespectful.

I think its appropriate to bring things if one has allergies (ie, bring a special handsoap to leave - but to be used by anyone who comes to your place) but to present it to you and say "i am allergic to most soap, so i brought this just so I don't run into trouble when i am here.) BUT I think bringing tons of stuff like you are moving in is not appropriate. Its like marking territory. I would let someone like that break up with me.

Wait, so do you just have a bar of soap on your sinks or something?

In his shoes, I'd just bring a little thing of handsoap to wash my hands with every time. But what stays in your home is your prerogative. No reason on earth he should have drawn that line in the sand. A couple months is way too soon (if there's even such a thing otherwise) to be having ongoing issues and themes like this. Yes, he was rude, but you're only as melodramatic about it as you make yourself. I'd simply stop seeing him and think little else of it.

I think maybe you just weren’t that into him.

I am also confused about your soap situation. Lol! If you don’t have squirty hand soap what do you have?

I don’t think either of those things would bother me to be honest. If someone wants to buy me soap, that’s cool. You can always stick it under the sink and whip it out when he comes over. I really don’t have a problem with that. The bags could be annoying though.

I think if you were really into him, those things would not have bothered you. But... someone you aren’t that into that visits infrequently? Yeah, that can be annoying and feel like crossed boundaries.

Honestly. . I see no future in this relationship.

1. Its too early in a relationship for him to bring anything to your house

2. You are both overreacting

3. Both of you are sooo unwilling to make compromises aka no healthy communication from the start

4. Mentioning breakup because of small things like this? Whats going to happen in the future then? :/

5. Im sorry but from what you said you two are just not compatible.

Your house your rules. His house his rules.

He didn’t have a house, he was living with his parents at 32 when we met until I left him years later. Weird really that he couldn’t respect my wishes on such a tiny thing, yet expected me to tolerate his dog staying in his bedroom with us when I have allergies and would wheeze because of the dog. I would never tolerate such treatment now. I learnt a lot from that relationship.

Honestly. . I see no future in this relationship.

1. Its too early in a relationship for him to bring anything to your house

2. You are both overreacting

3. Both of you are sooo unwilling to make compromises aka no healthy communication from the start

4. Mentioning breakup because of small things like this? Whats going to happen in the future then? :/

5. Im sorry but from what you said you two are just not compatible.

Indeed, they broke up.

He was pushy; you were intolerant. Control issues brought you together and broke you apart.

Consider other ways to handle him that feel more temperate for you, and you will have learned a great and useful lesson.

I wanna know the soap situation!

Hi all, If I remember correctly I had squirty soap in a decorative dish in the toilet sink but a bar of soap in the bathroom, again on a decorative dish and downstairs in the kitchen was no soap except washing up liquid which was stored under the sink with all the other cleaning products.

The issue of the baggage was particularly frustrating for me as I have a tendency to hoard (as in a genuine mental health concern) plus depression and anxiety and I saw this as counterproductive to my intentions to reduce clutter and have a clean tidy environment.

I was particularly upset because I expressed that I didn’t wish to have any unecessary clutter and was in the process to actively trying to reduce my possessions and be more consistent in maintaining an attractive environment to improve my mood.

I felt like he was putting a mild inconvenience of going to the toilet or bathroom to wash his hands or using washing up liquid above my health and basic rights to have my house how I chose.

If I was to date somebody similar now I would end the relationship after such a display.

I think it was indicative of his general temperament and he turned out to be extremely controlling and abusive.

Indeed, they broke up.

 

He was pushy; you were intolerant. Control issues brought you together and broke you apart.

 

Consider other ways to handle him that feel more temperate for you, and you will have learned a great and useful lesson.

I think my intolerance came from my health needs and a feeling that he expected far from me than he was ever prepared to give. He wouldn’t make the effort to see me on a regular basis yet imposed upon my house as though he lived there!

You are correct, we both had control issues, his extremely severe, I worked on mine (and still do) very hard.

The relationship became extremely abusive and I ended it when it escalated to physical violence and threats of physical violence to my family.

I think I recognised my lack of compromise and endeavoured to be less intolerant in my next relationship. The relationship after that I was far too compromising. I’m working out how to recognise my needs, assert my boundaries and what action to take if those boundaries are not adhered to.

I think my intolerance came from my health needs and a feeling that he expected far from me than he was ever prepared to give. He wouldn’t make the effort to see me on a regular basis yet imposed upon my house as though he lived there!

 

You are correct, we both had control issues, his extremely severe, I worked on mine (and still do) very hard.

 

The relationship became extremely abusive and I ended it when it escalated to physical violence and threats of physical violence to my family.

 

I think I recognised my lack of compromise and endeavoured to be less intolerant in my next relationship. The relationship after that I was far too compromising. I’m working out how to recognise my needs, assert my boundaries and what action to take if those boundaries are not adhered to.

That was/is a challenge for me, too. I am trying to believe that people WANT to listen. That others value what I say. Value me enough to be concerned that my needs are met. And not to prejudge them when my needs aren't met. Rather to ask, to share. It seems related to learning to share myself, and to own myself.

Like the children's song "The head bone's connected to the neck bone... ", it is all interwoven.

Well, one can’t be intolerant in a relationship. Patience and compromise is the only way it works out. Bar soap for hands would really wig my husband out. He has OCD and would lose his .... if he had to use bar soap on his hands. Bar soaps have been used on others which is kind of gross if you think about it.

About allergies though I would not go to his place because we can’t really tell people what to go with their pets at their house.

I can see your point and his point.

Well, one can’t be intolerant in a relationship. Patience and compromise is the only way it works out. Bar soap for hands would really wig my husband out. He has OCD and would lose his .... if he had to use bar soap on his hands. Bar soaps have been used on others which is kind of gross if you think about it.

 

About allergies though I would not go to his place because we can’t really tell people what to go with their pets at their house.

 

I can see your point and his point.

Yes - as a bar soap fan, if someone wants liquid soap, I will keep it in stock and in the counter for them. I will stop using bar soap. Or in this case put it out when he visits or appreciate that he brought his own. Its soap. What do I care?

Pets are a tougher issue. My exH let ours into our bedroom; I slept horribly. My sleep was sacrificed so he could enjoy the comfort of the cat. It's just how it went down. Our whole marriage felt like that, and I am glad we split.

When it works, we make it work by finding solutions.

I personally asked if I could leave my slippers over at my now-ex's place since I was staying overnight regularly, but I wouldn't have felt bad if he didn't want me to.

I think it's something that has to be discussed no matter how far you are in someone's relationship and, if there's a conflict of sorts, to try to communicate and understand each person's side and logic.

Well, one can’t be intolerant in a relationship. Patience and compromise is the only way it works out. Bar soap for hands would really wig my husband out. He has OCD and would lose his .... if he had to use bar soap on his hands. Bar soaps have been used on others which is kind of gross if you think about it.

 

About allergies though I would not go to his place because we can’t really tell people what to go with their pets at their house.

 

I can see your point and his point.

Hi, there was squirty soap in the toilet he could have used if I remember correctly but he decided he also wanted to have it in my bathroom and kitchen even though he was barely there to use it.

I think at the time I had a bit of an “I’m helpless” mentality in relationships and was a bit like oh no, I’m here and my bf lets his dog sleep in the room and I can’t breathe properly but he doesn’t care enough to even take the dog out of the room so I can sleep.

Now I would establish if the person had pets and that they kept their house/pets in a condition that didn’t affect my health before I even got to their home if possible. I would do many things differently. I learnt a lot and am still learning from the mistakes in that relationship. I mostly learnt what to avoid lol

It’s confusing to me that you’re still so bent out of shape over this. I too don’t like bar soap, but I wouldn’t care if a guy left bar soap because that’s what he prefers.

Why does this bother you now? Why is soap such an issue?

This topic caught my eye bc I made a whole bag of toiletries and brought it over to my bfs place, where I am almost daily even if just for a meal. It didn't occur to me that I was being rude till after he saw the bag of things gathered at mine, waiting to go to his. He has since made space for me on a shelf in his closet.

We've only been together a short while, but are long time friends. We accommodate each other and trust ourselves to make sure our needs are met.

The situations you describe would be easy to make work because we aren't threatened by any of the solutions. He wouldn't tolerate having my allergies irritated. I would hang out in the living room extra late to give him time with the dog. Something like that.

Its important to stay on the same side of an issue, the relationship side. As a team, remain united and resolve an issue.

That was/is a challenge for me, too. I am trying to believe that people WANT to listen. That others value what I say. Value me enough to be concerned that my needs are met. And not to prejudge them when my needs aren't met. Rather to ask, to share. It seems related to learning to share myself, and to own myself.

 

Like the children's song "The head bone's connected to the neck bone... ", it is all interwoven.

Oh wow, I relate to you so much on this. I used to believe that nobody would listen and nobody cared about my needs. I spent three years in therapy learning how to express my needs and learnt that the people who care about me respond positively when I express my needs in a healthy way.

It’s confusing to me that you’re still so bent out of shape over this. I too don’t like bar soap, but I wouldn’t care if a guy left bar soap because that’s what he prefers.

 

Why does this bother you now? Why is soap such an issue?

Hi MLD, I don’t think you read all my responses, to recap I had both squirty soap and bar soap at my house. It wasn’t about soap, it was about deliberate defiance of my wishes in aid of my health for no obvious reason and an expectation that I make compromises for him with no compromise in return.

I’m not bent out of shape, I’m exploring the opinions of others on this matter to figure out how best to express my needs and assert my boundaries and what to do when my boundaries are ignored or in this case deliberately overstepped.

I wouldn’t go out of my way to do something after I was explicitly told not to whether the reasons made sense to me or not. We could discuss it and try to come to a solution but i think it’s not my place to do what I want in somebody else’s house because I don’t agree with it. The issue is stating my desire and needs and being ignored, which has been a constant theme in my life and this relationship in particular.

Hi MLD, I don’t think you read all my responses, to recap I had both squirty soap and bar soap at my house. It wasn’t about soap, it was about deliberate defiance of my wishes in aid of my health for no obvious reason and an expectation that I make compromises for him with no compromise in return.

 

I’m not bent out of shape, I’m exploring the opinions of others on this matter to figure out how best to express my needs and assert my boundaries and what to do when my boundaries are ignored or in this case deliberately overstepped.

 

I wouldn’t go out of my way to do something after I was explicitly told not to whether the reasons made sense to me or not. We could discuss it and try to come to a solution but i think it’s not my place to do what I want in somebody else’s house because I don’t agree with it. The issue is stating my desire and needs and being ignored, which has been a constant theme in my life and this relationship in particular.

Yes, I did, and the squirty soap was in another room, was it not?

This seems small. I don’t think there’s anything to assert here. Soap, even some other items - no big deal. Compromise is not about always getting something in return. Sometimes you do something because it’s not a great inconvenience. If having one more squirty soap in your house is a big deal, then I would wonder if you’re ready for a relationship.

Yes - as a bar soap fan, if someone wants liquid soap, I will keep it in stock and in the counter for them. I will stop using bar soap. Or in this case put it out when he visits or appreciate that he brought his own. Its soap. What do I care?

 

Pets are a tougher issue. My exH let ours into our bedroom; I slept horribly. My sleep was sacrificed so he could enjoy the comfort of the cat. It's just how it went down. Our whole marriage felt like that, and I am glad we split.

 

When it works, we make it work by finding solutions.

It was me trying to reduce clutter and manage my environment to improve my health and I felt he deliberately went against what I was working towards. I had squirty soap in the toilet.

I’m also very glad we split, the whole relationship was a battle. I think somebody else’s pet in their own home is different entirely to how you make arrangements when you have a shared home with a shared pet. That is something that should be agreed upon and that health comes above pets!

I personally asked if I could leave my slippers over at my now-ex's place since I was staying overnight regularly, but I wouldn't have felt bad if he didn't want me to.

I think it's something that has to be discussed no matter how far you are in someone's relationship and, if there's a conflict of sorts, to try to communicate and understand each person's side and logic.

Hi yes that was exactly the problem. There was no discussion and solution just an argument and threats made to leave me if I didn’t comply and then doing what he wanted anyway. Anytime he wanted to “win” or end an argument he would threaten to leave. When that stopped working he threatened violence.

Personally I think it’s polite to ask if you want to leave/bring something for someone else’s house but given my mental health issues I’m particularly aware of imposing on the environments of others.

To be honest, to me it's much ado about nothing. He can use whatever soap he likes, and I'll use whatever soap I like. I don't have the patience for such nitty picky petty dramas, but that's just me, lol.