Now What?

Nearly 2 weeks ago, I found my bf on a dating site. When confronted he denied it was him, but there was no doubt in my mind it was him. I gave him an ultimatum out, be honest or leave me alone, and he said he would leave me alone. I hadn't heard anything from him until this morning.

A few days ago, I mailed him a goodbye letter. He text asking what the letter said because he is out of state working but he gets an email showing him what mail he receives. At first, I ignored him, but he asked again. I finally told him it was a goodbye letter that I wrote for closure.

He replied saying he didnt want us to stop talking but he didnt know what to do. He then said, "Regardless I don't want it to end like this. I'll be home Monday night. You wanna go eat Tuesday and talk about things?". I said ok and that was the extent of the conversation.

Now I'm scared because I have no idea what this means or what to expect. We cannot reconcile unless he can be honest with me, explain why he was on there and apologize. But, I'm not sure if thats what he is intending to do. I love him so much and all of this was so unexpected.

If it helps, he hasnt been online on the dating app since yesterday morning.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Sorry this is happening. In the past several months he has been insincere and has not been on board as much as you were. It's good you have found this out in the few months you were dating and dodged a bullet. Don't be more invested than he is. You'll just get hurt and confused over and over. He's still on dating apps.

How do you know he is on a dating site unless you also were on a dating site?

How do you know he is on a dating site unless you also were on a dating site?

He started being a bit flaky with me, which set off my alarm bells. I made a fake acct on the site we met on and let it sit. Eventually, he viewed the profile.

So yes, things with us was off a bit towards the end, but I really never expected to see him on there.

Sorry this is happening. In the past several months he has been insincere and has not been on board as much as you were. It's good you have found this out in the few months you were dating and dodged a bullet. Don't be more invested than he is. You'll just get hurt and confused over and over. He's still on dating apps.

We dated for 9 months.

I keep telling myself this. He hasnt text again and I will not text him again. I'm not going to let myself get caught back up into him unless I see that he sincerely wants to work this out.

What do you need him to be honest for? You already caught him out. What's the use in making take accounts on dating sites if you're not going to act on your findings? What grand benefit do you see coming from hearing it from him? It would seem the greater deceit is already front and center.

He replied saying he didnt want us to stop talking but he didnt know what to do. He then said, "Regardless I don't want it to end like this. I'll be home Monday night. You wanna go eat Tuesday and talk about things?". I said ok and that was the extent of the conversation.

If he sincerely wanted to get back together, rather than risk losing you, he would have taken the first step and contacted you while making his intentions clear.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but it would be helpful to up your value, and look at this in a realistic light.

If he sincerely wanted to get back together, rather than risk losing you, he would have taken the first step and contacted you while making his intentions clear.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but it would be helpful to up your value, and look at this in a realistic light.

I agree.

He should have been the one to fight for you, to make the first move, not you and he wouldn't continue to be on the dating website in the meantime.

He gets zero brownie points for not logging on in 24 hours.

I'm sorry you're faced with this. I know you love him, and I would imagine that your intention is to work things out, but you need to face the reality that trust has been lost here.

Trust is the glue of a relationship. The second there's a lack of trust, there is little to no hope that things will work out in the long run.

Even in the 1% chance there's a legitimate explanation, you'll live in constant doubt and question every single of his moves.

That is not the definition of a healthy relationship.

It's time to come to terms with this, and invest the time into healing yourself and moving on to someone eventually that you can trust 100%.

I will agree with the others in that I don’t really understand what a confession and an apology will give you.

What he has demonstated to you through his actions is that - when times get tough or questionable - you can expect him NOT to communicate with you or break up with you, but rather to just start sneaking away without saying a word.

The first 9 months of a relationship is still the honeymoon period. If he can’t communicate with you now - when really this would have been quite simple (“hey - I am starting to have doubts or need space or whatever, let’s take a break”) - then what is going to happen 20 years down the line when you both have so much more invested and communication is harder?

I don’t think there’s anything to apologize for here (well... there is...). But it’s just a demonstration of how he deals with things. He demonstated his temperament and character. You either accept that or you don’t... but... I’m not sure why you would accept that this early in a relationship. Maybe after 20 years of marriage and if therapists, etc were involved. But 9 months in?

I think you should be grateful that he showed you who he was this early on. I know it’s hurtful and kind of out of the blue for you - but there’s nothing of quality to hang on to here. Communication is a cornerstone of a relationship. If he can’t communicate, there’s really no hope for a lasting relationship. Cut your losses and move on.

I just asked him to call me tonight, instead, because I dont want to sit all weekend wondering what it is he needs to say.

So from your words you are scared of what might happen or what he might say.

You do know you can control this whole thing right? If he starts lying some more simply say goodbye and walk away or hang up.

From your words here it looks like you are waiting on him to decide what happens in YOUR LIFE! The relationship is over because he was dishonest and on dating apps looking for someone new. Seems like any words he might say would just be insulting...

Lost

What do you hope to accomplish by hearing his explanation? Seeing that he went behind your back and betrayed your trust, I don't think trusting what he has to say or waiting for a genuine apology will help-he will just lie some more. And besides, he's probably only sorry he got caught. I dunno why you're waiting around for him to decide what to do moving forward. I would block him and move on. He isn't a quality guy, and he will cause you more heartache if you stay caught up in his bs. You are better than this and you deserve someone who will cherish you, NOT mess you around

Walk away.

How would things go down in a perfect scenario? In other words, what are you hoping will happen?

Mizz i remember your previous threads about other men.

Did you get the therapy ppl were recommending you have?

It seems your self esteem is still something you could build up.

Mizz i remember your previous threads about other men.

Did you get the therapy ppl were recommending you have?

It seems your self esteem is still something you could build up.

I just started counseling.

I see what everyone is saying. Yes, I have hope that this could be turned around but I dont really see how it possibly could be. I'm mostly looking for some closure at this point, and I'm curious as to what he will say. I'm scared because I know it will hurt, but I need it.

How would things go down in a perfect scenario? In other words, what are you hoping will happen?

In a perfect scenario, he would become completely transparent in order to show me that I can trust him. He would have to be consistent and reliable. I seriously doubt he's up for what it would entail.

In a perfect scenario, he would become completely transparent in order to show me that I can trust him. He would have to be consistent and reliable. I seriously doubt he's up for what it would entail.

So in your scenario...you'd forgive him for deceiving you and for not only concealing his dating site activity but also for choosing to leave the relationship rather than try to keep you in his life as his partner? You would be able to not only forgive but put it all behind you?

And what do you mean by "transparent "? Do you mean giving you his passwords, allowing you to go through his phone, reading his emails and messages? If so, would that be your idea of a healthy relationship?

Give yourself closure. Here is the closure - the person you were involved with turned out to not be trustworthy or reliable. You want and deserve someone who is trustworthy and reliable. You determine that in the future you won't settle for less. That is what resolves it, not him telling you some excuse about why he wasn't trustworthy or reliable.

So in your scenario...you'd forgive him for deceiving you and for not only concealing his dating site activity but also for choosing to leave the relationship rather than try to keep you in his life as his partner? You would be able to not only forgive but put it all behind you?

 

And what do you mean by "transparent "? Do you mean giving you his passwords, allowing you to go through his phone, reading his emails and messages? If so, would that be your idea of a healthy relationship?

I would be willing to forgive and try again and put it all behind me, yes. If he is sincere. And it would be a long process.

He reached out to me, idk why. Yes, he ran but he is back. I won't know why until we talk.

And no, I wouldn't want his passwords or to go through his phone, but if I ask him a question, such as, "Who are you texting?", I would need him to be able to tell me without being annoyed (not that this has ever happened, its just an example).

It's an awful, awful way to live.

What if he texts someone when you're not around? What if he sets up an account on another dating site? What if he uses Snapchat, where messages disappear?

Now, not to say he would do these things...but how would you know? Are you completely sure that after you "forgive" him, you won't be wondering what he's doing when you're not around, or what he might be up to in ways you can't check up on?

Maya Angelou said when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He reached out to me, idk why. Yes, he ran but he is back. I won't know why until we talk.

I'm sorry, but according to your beginning post you sent him a "Goodbye letter," which he responded to, therefore he didn't reach out.

Either way, this is one of the points we're trying to show you, and of course I understand that this is not what you want to hear.

I'm sorry, but according to your beginning post you sent him a "Goodbye letter," which he responded to, therefore he didn't reach out.

 

Either way, this is one of the points we're trying to show you, and of course I understand that this is not what you want to hear.

Yes, but he ignored my texts for a week before I stopped texting him. He could have ignored the letter.

It's an awful, awful way to live.

 

What if he texts someone when you're not around? What if he sets up an account on another dating site? What if he uses Snapchat, where messages disappear?

 

Now, not to say he would do these things...but how would you know? Are you completely sure that after you "forgive" him, you won't be wondering what he's doing when you're not around, or what he might be up to in ways you can't check up on?

 

Maya Angelou said when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

And that's why I said it would be a long process. I wouldn't trust him immediately. Trust can be rebuild through consistency and reliability. But it doesnt matter because, as I said, I doubt he's going to be able to do all that needs to he done.

Guys, my heart is broken. I just want to see what he says. I know this situation is hopeless.