Texting his ex

Hi all,

New here so hello everyone !

Ok this may be a long one so bare with me. I'm needing honest advice as i'm going out of my mind and struggling to eat or sleep at the minute...

So, I've been dating my partner for around a year now. He's my boss who owns a small business and we met after I started working for his company. Instant connection and everyone at the company wanted us to get together. At the beginning it was great! Honeymoon period, constant texting, finding excuses to be together during work time etc...

Then 2 months into the relationship we found out his Mother had renal failure. This nocked my partner for six. He hardly eats, and just works and goes to bed. We lost being close and sometimes we would get it back and he would talk to me and then other times he would shut me out.

It did create arguments for us but he always says its not personal.

His Mum now has 10% kidney function and we are both preparing for the worse.

In the midst of all this i've worked extra hours for him, helped his Mum (in between looking after my Mum with a mental illness) and there when he wanted me. Although we had our little arguments I did truly believe he loved me and appreciated what I did for him...however...

His ex use to work for him 5 years ago and they were together for 2 years. I get the impression they loved each other very much but she cheated on him twice and after the split they remained good friends.

She had to visit his work place (as she's now a client) and I got to meet her for the first time last month. We got along fine and I remarked how nice it was that they all kept in touch still. Thought nothing of it and that was that. I then kept getting texts from her saying how she was happy that her ex found someone liked me as he deserved to be happy. Bit strange but again, nothing of it.

Then she rang me for a chat...she told me how nice it was that I allow my partner, her ex to be a flirt still! She went on about how cheeky and naughty he was...after she heard my reaction she back tracked and told me to not mention this convo to him.

I use my partners laptop and iPad for the business so after she rang I looked at his text messages(he's not aware to this day I checked) and to my horror found him 'sex texting' his ex...I was horrified and was sick :(.

I confronted him and he too was mortified. He was mad she called and used the excuse that he sent those texts to get revenge. He hoped she would say 'lets have an affair' so he could knock her back and hurt her. As you can imagine we argued the entire night...he cried and couldn't stop apologising telling me 'his head is all over because of his Mum' and 'he's not a cheat....he's never cheated' in his life.

I think the excuse is BS but he's now ceased all comms with her and has said he will never talk to her again. I sadly check his iPad every day and there has been no new messages from her or him.

It's been a week now and I did something immature. I catfished him. I pretended to be my friend he doesn't know and message him...my partner use to be on POF 5 years ago so acted like it was an old contact.

He replied saying he was in a relationship and wished my 'friend' well.

I just feel hurt still...I need to support him now his Mum is critically ill but I feel bitter towards him. I've done nothing but support him and thats the thanks I got.

Should I just put it down as a bad judgment call and support him?

Thanks for reading everyone.

Sooo....he was cheating on you to get back at his ex for cheating on him???? On what planet does this make any sense? Him using his mother's illness as an excuse for this is a whole other low.

Personally, I'd start looking for another job and get out of this mess as quickly as possible. You might be a very nice person and have given him a lot, but as you can see, he is one messed up puppy with unfinished business with his ex even after all these years. Dude needs a shrink, not a gf. Ye olde when people show you who they are, believe them.

It seems like he learned his lesson, I say give him a pass, however, don't get too complacent. He's going through a rough time, when a son is losing his mother it's like the world is coming to an end. His world is upside down now and it's going to get worse before it gets better. I believe your "catfish" experiment worked and he passed with flying colors. I say get ready to support him and as things get worse with his mum, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster.

When your parent is dying in front of you, it makes you a bit messed up. This may be his way to control things; to feel control when his life is out of control. I would forgive him, but don't expect this to be the last time. Could be a year or two from now when something else hits the fan in his life. I find this is a compartmentalized act, and has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not. You have to really ask yourself, is this the worse of him, and can you accept the worse of him?

And there is no reason for his ex to be chatting you or contacting you unless it's to discuss business.

Also, keep in mind of the pattern. She worked for him. You work for him, and you both got together with him. He does not know how to keep his pen out of the well, and has a serial attitude for hiring and dating women he works with.

It's only been a year; but it's compounded by his mom dying. It really is your call here.

I think you have not been together long enough to be taking care of his mom. if you were his wife of 10 years -- that would be another story. I would honestly step back -- take care of YOUR mom and decide that you don't need this BS. I would not do anything to hurt his mother - its not her fault - but tell him that you will be needing to look after your own mom now. I don't care if he is upset about his mom or not -- you are in way too deep here working with him - he is who you answer to and being caregiver to his mother while he is cheating on you. I would step away - and start looking for another job on the downlow.

I would not continue the relationship.

If this is how he reacts in times of distress, what is going to happen when life throws another curve ball? His coping mechanism is sexting his ex behind your back? It's a good thing you learned now how he apparently deals with stress. His ex messaged you hoping to freak him out and finally called you to blow his cover when she realized her less direct tactic wasn't working. That was no accidental reveal.

This is not a man you can or should trust.