Struggling [M/20] with a ‘break’ in a relationship [F/19] after 4 years together

I’ll keep it short and simple. I’ve been dating this girl for over 4 years and it’s been incredible, we get along very well, she’s been my best friend. We talk every day and she’s like a release from my work. We’ve had some very emotionally positive times together, I can’t imagine what life would be like without her, we’ve told eachother that we love eachother and that we’d be together forever. We both live with our parents stillnbut we visit eachother almost every day when we’re not tied down by work/study.

Having such a great relationship can have its flaws, namely one that I’ve taken it for granted, and now that it’s hanging by a thread I’m terrified. Issues started because I was always afraid to lose her, which resulted in me doing very silly stuff to try and control her when she wanted to do her own thing from time to time. I’d say mean, horrible things when she’d go out on her own or when she dressed revealingly when going to events, in attempts to try and change her lifestyle. This was the single was stupidest attitude I could have had. I’m the bad guy in this story, and I’ll be the first to admit it. A few days ago it happened again and she told me she was unhappy. It came out of the blue which is why at first I didn’t take it seriously enough. She told me she wanted a break in the relationship to focus on her own happiness and to focus on her university exams that are coming up. We talked and a few worrying signs came up, I asked her a few things, if she was willing to fix us. No answer. If she still loved me. No answer. I told her I didn’t want to lose her. No sympathy. She told me that she didn’t know if she wanted a relationship after we finish our break. These are very bad signs but I want to believe that she was speaking through her emotions and didn’t properly think her words through. The break was always going to happen no matter what I said from that point, so I sucked up my pride and agreed, telling her she can have as much time as she needed and that during the time I want to become a better person and boyfriend to her in the future. We’ve put some ground rules during the break; no communication, a timeframe (1 month until her exams finish), and agreement that we won’t see other people during that time.

A few days later and I’m really struggling, my life was so dependant on her to make me happy, and now that she’s gone it’s left a massive void. I don’t know who I am anymore, I’ve had a negative view of life since and I’m struggling to sleep every night. I’ve decided to do some things on my own to help relieve my mind but this situation is so foreign to me that I really need advice going forward. I’ve decided to do more things with my time, to better myself and strengthen my responsibilities such as going to the gym often, applying for a study course, spending more time with my family/friends, to take my mind off of her for the month. But every minute of every day I think about her and if she doesn’t love me anymore, it’s taking its toll on my body and mind, should I man up and wait out the month hoping that she misses me as much as I miss her with the hope she comes back to me? I worry that a month is too long and that she’ll become used to not having me in her life. Or do I cut it short after two or so weeks and ask her what her feelings are?

I few side notes, I’m fully committed to changing my approach when it comes to the issues we’ve had, and myself as a human being, I’ve learnt from the past and want to be a better boyfriend to her in the future. I’ll do anything to keep this relationship going, the love that I have for her is insane, I’d take a bullet for her. I’ve been unknowingly making her feel like absolute crap at times and it’s my deepest regret. Please help.

First, I would like to say you are man enough to admit your faults. Not a lot of ppl can do that. If you really love her get her. Get the woman you love. I wish I had a man that can spill out his feelings to me like you just did. Sure we got flaws.... but are those bad flaws out weighing your good I highly doubt that. Seems like this is somethings you can fix in your relationship. Me on the other hand I kept verbally cheating on my guy. There were times when I felt like I can get more attention out of him. Example every now and then he don’t compliment me on how beautiful I look. Those simple things really make me a lil sad. But still not excuse for me to keep direct messaging my ex or two other random guys just because I’m bored or when we have a petty argument. I do truly love him!! 7 yrs prior we dated I verbally cheated on him then and now I still find myself doing it. If he never would have unlocked my phone while I was in the shower. I’m so sad right now though I miss my best friend. My situation is so different and to be honest I didn’t deserve him back the first time around. I just want to be a committed woman. I know I can be. I just wish he could change some of his ways a lil for me. But please find the time to talk to her and try to make that right please. I regret doing the fool on him. Now he’s gone. This time I think he may not come back. It’s only been few hrs since he broke up with me

I think you need to give her some space. Right now smothering her isn't going to help one bit and is going to push her away even more.

Well, I hate to say it, but you admit that you've been emotionally abusive to your girlfriend, and the odds are that you won't be able to change. You're sincere now, but what happens is that when you're back in the same situations again, you're going to act the same way you did before. My opinion is she's not going to come back and is using the "break" to distance herself from you. I would say to keep distracting yourself by hanging around with friends and keeping busy. You may act better with a different girlfriend. Sometimes a relationship is toxic because the people involved just rub each other the wrong way. Try another relationship when you're feeling better in a few months.

If they've been together 4 years, I think it'd be healthy for him to take at least a year away from relationships, otherwise he might rebound and hurt another girl.

It came out of the blue which is why at first I didn’t take it seriously enough..

This may have come as a surprise to you but typically when someone ends it or asks for a break, they've been carefully contemplating it for a long time.

She's had a lot of time to process what this means for her and risks involved and she is willing to take them.

Unfortunately this doesn't bode well for you.

Add in the things you've shared with us combined with your ages, you had somewhat an adult/child relationship with her and like most children, they grow up and want to be independent.

My guess the break is more like training wheels for a complete break. She gets to break up slowly from you.

I am sorry. . and I could be wrong.

The only thing you can do at this point in time is to let her go.

There is a valuable lesson here in all of this.

I’m certain I can change, I never truly tried in the past because I never really understood how much my words were impacting her, now that I see how upset she’s become because of it I want to fully commit to making things right. But this all depends on whether or not she’ll ever give me a second chance. If not then I’ll have no other choice but to move on.

This may have come as a surprise to you but typically when someone ends it or asks for a break, they've been carefully contemplating it for a long time.

That is something I’ve thought about, and if it is the case I’d just wish she was more open and told me she was having serious issues with my attitude towards her, but that might be a result of her wanting to see change on my own accord which I have failed with. I appreciate the brutal honest truth, there’s no point tiptoeing around it.

That is something I’ve thought about, and if it is the case I’d just wish she was more open and told me she was having serious issues with my attitude towards her, but that might be a result of her wanting to see change on my own accord which I have failed with. I appreciate the brutal honest truth, there’s no point tiptoeing around it.

So, you are saying she never gave you any indication that she didn't like the fact that you were trying to control her?

Or is it possible she did and you either weren't listening or took it for granted that she had the option to walk?

(I am being a little hard on you because this mirrors exactly my first relationship that started in high school and I had enough by the time I was old enough to know better. Unfortunately there was no turning back)

It’s alright I’d rather be harsh on than to be given false hope. I worded that poorly, she did give me small indications when we did argue but I didn’t take them seriously enough at the time, but I’ve learnt from my mistakes. Is there absolutely no going back from here? I feel like during the time we’ve been together the highs have been much bigger than the lows, and I’m strongly willing to fix the problems we currently have, is there any way I can convince her there’s still hope for us? I’m so in love with this girl I’m willing to do anything.

, but I’ve learnt from my mistakes. Is there absolutely no going back from here?

Because it's all she knows.

She doesn't know you or your relationship any differently.

It's hard to imagine or trust change when she has nothing else to compare it to.

All she can associate it with right now - is it was suffocating.

OP, the other issue here that you were both so young when you started dating. Most couples who meet as teens sooner or later break up, simply because they've outgrown the relationship. We change so much in our teens and twenties and usually there is a desire to date others and explore our worlds.

I am not suggesting she has her eye on someone else, but rather that even if you turned into the best boyfriend in the world, this has already likely met its end. Being controlling didn't help matters and certainly you need to work on that behaviour, but I also don't think that alone would resolve this.