Friends who talk too much about themselves but...

How do you handle a friend who constantly talks about their relationships and problems, but the minute you begin to talk about anything regarding yourself, they quickly lose interest and seem disinterested?

I am a very good listener and have this problem. I seem to make friends who talk too much, but then they don't want to listen, or listen very little to anything personal about myself. It's all about them.

I find that many people have this terrible habit.

At the risk of simplifying things....well, I wouldn't be friends with this person. Or anyone like that.

I have family members like that. I'm stuck with them so have to put up with it. But when I pick friends, I choose people based on our compatibility, our connection, our mutual interest in each other. If I don't have that then why be friends?

How do you handle a friend who constantly talks about their relationships and problems, but the minute you begin to talk about anything regarding yourself, they quickly lose interest and seem disinterested?

 

I am a very good listener and have this problem. I seem to make friends who talk too much, but then they don't want to listen, or listen very little to anything personal about myself. It's all about them.

 

I find that many people have this terrible habit.

How do I handle it? I limit my time with them.

I've learned that these type of people are they way they are.

'Handling it' doesn't change it.

Some friends I care about who are this way, I have to be in the right mood to be around them.

Even though they are good people, their friendships can be very one sided and draining.

If you don't want to stop being friends with them that's okay, but maybe limit the amount of time you spend with people who aren't great with give and take of emotional support. I have had friends like this in the past, and always elected to simply stop giving so much or moved on from the friendship. Ideally, giving of emotional support would be equal in every friendship, but that isn't possible.

There's also the option of speaking to them about the issue. Open communication is important in friendships. The friends in question may not be aware of the imbalance and may shape up if you bring the problem to their attention.

I had a "friend" like that once. It was always about her. I haven't talked to her in over two years now. After she was going on about herself and had a brief moment of her not talking about how great she was, I mentioned that our daughter had her second baby (a son) and went to show her his photo. She said "Oh don't show me photos of babies, "We're" not having grand children." That was the straw that broke the camels back. pffft.

How do I handle it? I limit my time with them.

 

Even though they are good people, their friendships can be very one sided and draining.

This. I had a roommate in college for a couple of years, I learned that everything was ONLY about her. She was a nice person and meant well, but was just very self absorbed and I didn't feel like it was a true friendship because she never cared about my feelings or took interest in my life. She was only concerned about how things related to her. After the first two years of living together, I moved in with my actual friends and I barely spoke with my old roommate. A year or two later she asked me to get lunch and I asked her a million questions about her life, school, bf, family etc (I was genuinely interested) and she did not ask me ONE question about my life. I knew at that point that I just couldn't sustain a true friendship with her ever. She still considers me a friend and even invited me to her wedding and from what I've heard doesn't understand why we don't talk more.

The thing is I think you do just have to limit your time spent with someone who doesn't truly care about you or take an interest in you. I am all for being a listening ear and also sometimes friendships may be a bit one sided if one friend is going through stuff at a point in time. That is totally different than a person who just doesn't really care about anyone but themselves or their stories/opinions.

She doesn't sound like a true friend. Friendships are a two way street, and what you have described is clearly a one sided friendship. I wouldn't waste my time with her. The people that are true friends will take an interest in you, your feelings and your life without you having to ask the questions that you are asking here on this forum. If I were you, I would distance myself from her. Free that time and space up so that genuine people can be given an opportunity to come into your life to love and care for you.

If you are always making friends that don't listen, the common denominator is you...speak up. When they try to start talking, you say, "wait, I need to finish."

I simply stop being their friend. I literally ghost them. If they want to ask what happened, then I'll tell them, but they are usually too wrapped up in themselves to even notice that we are not there to listen anymore.

Maybe not the most mature way to handle it, but there it is.

I had one really great friend that I adored, but my god, that girl could go on. And on. And on. I started to watch my phone timer. It took her 55 minutes to take a breath and say, "OK, enough about me, how are you?" and when I'd answer, she'd say, "Oh great to hear, gotta go!". I just never returned her last phone call, about 5 years ago. Sheesh.

Great advice here. I want to add that in a close friendship it's also fine if for a period of time it is all about one person because life is like that -someone is going through a really challenging time, or just had a baby, or her mom was just diagnosed with alzheimers, etc -but there has to be a sense of balance overall - a sense that when that time/phase passes she'll be ready to be more present for you. I was close friends with someone for a year or so and realized, like you, how self-absorbed she was and sometimes we need that "straw" -for me it was when we went out one night and I was very pregnant, slow moving and very, obviously tired. And my fiancee was out of town etc. We spent a few hours together and she never once asked how I was feeling. I didn't want to talk about "the baby" or my boring pregnancy symptoms or any baby-related stuff. I simply wanted her to say a simple and genuine "how are you feeling?". I tried to justify it by telling myself that she was recently and unhappily divorced, that she probably would love to be pregnant but you know what -I'd been in that situation many times and could not possibly spend two hours with someone who was pregnant and looking tired, or someone who seemed unwell for any reason without at least asking how the person was doing, one time. After that I kept my distance.

I also will add that sometimes you do have to be honest if asked -I will say "ok enough about me -how are you" (and will often ask a specific question) - and often the person will say "I'm good - I want to hear more about [whatever I was talking about]. I think if your friend is sharing something interesting or entertaining as opposed to constantly using you as a sounding board/therapist that's different as well. It's awkward to suggest that you'd like some air time but sometimes it might take that in a friendship that is usually reciprocal and suddenly seems too one-sided.