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Thread: Is it wrong to eliminate my brother from my life?

  1. #1
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    Is it wrong to eliminate my brother from my life?

    So my brother is definitely not the nice person i grew up with. He has turned into a violent, abusive, hard drinking, angry person whom i want nothing to do with. He neglects and starves his kid, he condescends my parents, he blows up about the most trivial things. All he cares about is getting rich and ironically is in so much debt pretending to be rich. I just can't bring myself to sit in the same room as a child abuser (yes social services have already been to his house). But my parents keep pretending like nothing is wrong and tell me to do the same. As i get older i am making a point to eliminate the crappy people from my life. So why should he be an exception. I haven't spoken to him in a year and now i am 'obligated' to go to my mother's retirement/bday party with the whole family at his house! He will be there which is stressing me out for weeks now. His wife is racist towards my filipino wife and hates kids just as much as he does. I really despise these two and don't see why i have to make an appearance just to satisfy status quo. Please help

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would keep calling social services for the sake of that child and not bother with your brother. When I was being starved and neglected and physically and sexually abused no one called social services for me . Please keep doing the right thing it is very vital .

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take her out for this before the party and make it a great celebration for her. Tell her you and your wife can't attend the party because of other pressing obligations. Do not bring up the brother and keep strong to delete creepy people/relatives from your life.
    Originally Posted by cstar2000
    now i am 'obligated' to go to my mother's retirement/bday party with the whole family at his house.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Take your mom out on a seperate celebration. Don't go to your brothers house.

    It's sad. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately there will always be those people who prefer denial to reality, and you can't force someone to stop their enabling. What you can do is stand firm in your own self - we have your back.

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    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
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    Nope. Its never wrong to eliminate toxic people from your life to protect your own mental health and stability.

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    I would say to go, greet all the family members. Warmly congratulate your mother. Say hello to your brother, and then stay away from him while you're at the party and use an excuse to leave the party early. If he starts picking on you or your Filipino wife, then you have the perfect reason to leave the party! But that way you meet your obligation.

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    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    There is no reason for you to feel guilty about cutting your brother from your life. You are under no obligation to engage with someone who is violent, abusive, and toxic, regardless of who he is. If you really don't feel comfortable going to your mother's party, that's totally understandable; if there is any way you CAN go, support your mother and keep your distance from your brother, it might be worth doing, but if you really feel you can't, offer your sincerest apologies to your mother and invite her to lunch or dinner to celebrate her retirement separate from her party.

    I have a relative who sounds exactly like your brother -- minus the kid, but pretty much everything else is the same (violent, angry, in deep debt and has lost every job he's ever had because of awful behavior, etc.) -- and I refuse to speak to him or even be anywhere that he is (as do my mom and sister). He is the ONLY close family member on both sides of my family who is not invited to my upcoming wedding. I invited his parents and sisters, and I have made it 100% clear to my family that he is NOT welcome; if that means his parents and/or sisters decide not to come, so be it. (I suspect they will be there, regardless, but if they decide they can't be, I'm not going to lose sleep).

    As another poster suggested, do keep looking out for your brother's child, regardless of whether or not you see/speak to your brother. If you observe or hear about any abuse, don't hesitate to report it.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You can choose your friends but you cant choose your relatives. I cut my brother out of my life as he was verbally and mentally abusive to me. For a guy with a PhD in psychology I expected better of him but didnt get it. So, of course you can cut your brother from your life. Take mom out for a celebration before his party, and tell her you won't be going to his house. Try not to let it escalate into an argument. There's no valid reason to have toxic people in your life.

    Also keep calling social services about the child if warranted.

  10. #9
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    If someone behaves in a manner that you would find unacceptable if they were NOT related to you...why should you have to put up with them just because you share DNA?

    I certainly hope your parents are not laying a guilt trip on you for not wanting your brother in your life. He is their child, which complicates things. But he's not yours.

    I cut out a few very close family members (including my deadbeat "father") and life is peaceful without having to deal with their BS.

    I agree with the suggestion to take Mom out to a separate dinner. Mom, Dad, you, your wife and kids...have a really nice time.

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    So in your post there isn't actually anything specifically that your brother is doing to you, just the people around you. If your parents are competent then their relationship with your brother is their business. If he wants to pretend he is rich but has a lot of debt, well let him, not your concern. His relationship with his kid, if there are any issues, well that is really for social services to deal with. If you care about your parents, there really isn't any real reason not to go to the retirement party and support them. To me your post reads like placing too great a concern about things that really aren't your business. There is no need to be close to your brother, but making a special point out of not attending a family event that really isn't about your brother but your parents probably creates more issues than there needs to be. The fact that you are so stressed out about this speaks to something else maybe?

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