Jump to content

Just confused


Capttrae

Recommended Posts

So last time I was off, I went to my ol lady’s house for a few days. Where she proceeded to get drunk every night. Not the biggest deal I know she’s a functioning alcoholic nothing new there just a little aggravating talking in circles. One day I was helping her get caught up on washing, went to put some clothes up for her and found a journal type thing she had been keeping for years for her son to give him on graduation.

The last entry was written in June of last year, it said, I’m thinking about getting married just to have someone to help us out.

Idk maybe I’m reading too much in to this, but at that point I had already given her a ring, so it just really got me to wondering if the only reason she’s with me is bc I do have a good job and make a good living.

On a good note, it was a good visit, got to spend some time with her and her son, took my bass boat, did some fishing in the Alfia river and cockroach bay. Caught some snook, trout, and redfish 776e874781f3ecbb8afb048b802339c5.jpgb9ba10f8c2e8a38f1d8b1e96386c0a02.jpg

Link to comment

Well, so do you want to marry a functioning alcoholic? I mean, it's OK if you do. You said you had given her a ring. People get married for all sorts of reasons. If you're a decent enough guy and you can support her, those might be the reasons she has for marrying you. You're not exactly professing love for her yourself. Back in the old days, if a guy had a decent job, that was a good reason for marrying him.

Link to comment
Geez Danzee, I hope people now a days are more into actual love and not using people for money...the old days sound harsh!

 

He actually makes a good point. First time marry for Love after that it’s a business deal on who brings what to the table. I’d love to say that it’d be wedded bliss just full of love and happiness but I’m not sure I believe in that anymore. At one point in my life yes, but now, not so much. And yes Sherry, it’s the same female that back during goose season went out to a bar,saw her ex, got drunk then kicked me out. But she did bring that up the first night I was down there, she apologized several times for that saying I didn’t deserve that and how when she gets that way she knows what’s going on but don’t really comprehend what’s happening. I told her not to worry bc if it ever happened again she would never see or hear from me again.

Link to comment

I really don’t have a good answer to any of that. I wish I did. I think at times the whole white knight syndrome is coming out and I’m trying to be the one to help her break the drinking problem that she says she wants help with. But then again from personal experience and this come from many years of partying hard in my mid to late 20’s to break an addiction you have to do it yourself. There is no 12 step program that’ll work until you decide to help yourself

Link to comment

To answer your question more directly after giving them some thought. Am I ok with knowing part of the reason she’d marry me is bc I can offer stability is yes, that’s what I’ve been raised to believe that it’s the mans job to be the primary bread winner for the household and the examples I was raised around d reflected that. Let me add before any ladies on here get bent out of shape, if she was to make equal or more income than me I wouldn’t have a problem with that either. Nor will the decision making process or household duties be decided by who makes more money.

Does her drinking worry me? Yes of course it does, I love the woman and worry what would happen if she went out to a bar while I’m at work gets drunk and decides to drive and gets hurt, a dui, or worse hurts someone else.

Do I feel loved? When I’m there yes, she acts like she loves me, says she loves me etc. When I’m 1000 miles away on a boat in the middle of the gulf with 9 other guys and she don’t reply to texts or fb messages for 3-4 days I’m just like gee thanks so much for not being able to spare 20 seconds of your time to say hi.

Link to comment

Do you want to live out your life as her personal ATM?

 

I would say something to her about seeing that entry and I would also then tell her I'm taking a few weeks to myself to sort out how I actually feel about being esteemed for nothing more than what I could do for her... because the minute you slip up on that tip, she's going to retaliate.

 

Never get between a person and their money.

Link to comment
Do I feel loved? When I’m there yes, she acts like she loves me, says she loves me etc. When I’m 1000 miles away on a boat in the middle of the gulf with 9 other guys and she don’t reply to texts or fb messages for 3-4 days I’m just like gee thanks so much for not being able to spare 20 seconds of your time to say hi.

 

yeah, you need to take a few months to yourself to sort this out.

Link to comment

Are you willing to compromise for some company when you are not offshore by providing financial security to her but knowing that maybe she doesn't "love" you? If it's ok with you, it could work. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Great catch by the way!

Link to comment
Are you willing to compromise for some company when you are not offshore by providing financial security to her but knowing that maybe she doesn't "love" you? If it's ok with you, it could work. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Great catch by the way!

 

Long as she keeps her britches on when I’m gone. Comes across with some lovin when I’m home and don’t complain about my huntin or fishin I might could.

Link to comment

Here are some things to consider:

 

1) Functional alcoholics tend to become non functional. For most, they really have to hit absolute rock bottom before they decide to get a grip and get help. Are you prepared to deal with that - cleaning up her puke and sleeping in a bed she pissed in (sorry for being graphic, but.....that's the long term reality of being with an alcoholic). In addition to the physical aspects, it affects mood and personality - anger, irrational behavior, moods swings, etc. The deeper in they go, the worse it gets. So don't count on companionship or peace in the home.

 

2) It is possible that you providing stability and putting a roof over her and her child's heads will pull the last brakes off her drinking. She no longer has to push herself to stay responsible. Think on this long and hard because right now you are thinking the other way - that if you help her, she will be better except that might go completely backwards on you.

 

3) If this is a business transaction, it's also possible and happens frequently to men that after the woman eats the proverbial wedding cake, she stops delivering on her side of the bargain. She has you locked down and divorce is expensive and dependents usually come out on the winning side of that deal. You are stuck providing while she doesn't deliver what you want and I'm not talking about just sex.

 

If you like her, keep dating, but in your shoes I'd put off the wedding for a looong time and really observe more and think seriously about the above points. If she joined AA, poured all liquor down the drain and never set foot in a bar, I'd be more optimistic. Which brings about another point. IF she does seriously decide to get clean, understand that you will not be able to drink either - not at home, not outside because that can trigger an alcoholic. If you don't drink, it won't matter. If you enjoy an occasional beer, are you willing to give that up?

Link to comment
she don’t reply to texts or fb messages for 3-4 days I’m just like gee thanks so much for not being able to spare 20 seconds of your time to say hi.

 

Awww Cap :( That's not right what so ever. No one that truly loves you would take that long to text you, your partner especially!!

 

Please be careful. You deserve someone who loves you and does right by you. You don't deserve someone who just wants your paychecks and will leave you hanging when you're not there.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear about the concerns and at the same time it's good that you are looking at all angles.

If she continues to drink much like she currently does (and possibly more) are you going to be ok with that, long term?

 

Whenever we catch ourselves waiting for someone to change, we are usually in the wrong place.

You need to accept her exactly the way she is at this very moment. Are you going to be ok with it?

Link to comment
When I’m 1000 miles away on a boat in the middle of the gulf with 9 other guys and she don’t reply to texts or fb messages for 3-4 days I’m just like gee thanks so much for not being able to spare 20 seconds of your time to say hi.

 

You know your relationship best, but that seems disrespectful to me. I wouldn’t ignore my boyfriend’s text for days on end.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...