I think this man has feelings...help!

I think this man has feelings for me. He compliments me often, he stands close to me (moves down a stair on the escalator), lets his arm rest against mine whenever it might be subtle enough to do so, helps me with little things (like retying my fishing line—a lot of incidental brushes of fingers in the process), he told me he missed when I was away and didn’t see him for 8 days. He was with a group and could have said “we” but he said “I missed you” instead in front of everyone. He will make comments saying “your laugh is great, I love that about you” or “you’re so funny” and my belongings when I am not wearing them “that is such a slick jacket, the sleeve color is so cool” (he isn’t gay.) Sometimes he’ll tease me— he accidentally splashed me with water from his squirt top water bottle after reverse parking his truck. I was startled and gave a little shriek —-and then he did it intentionally twice more. He teases me about dumb things I say or situational jokes that are lightly at my expense.

I’m bad at reading people and have a tendency to over analyze but I’m pretty sure he feels something for me.

The timing isn’t good because after counseling it was recommended that he refrain from dating for a year (co-depending relationships were a problem in the past). He’s about 8 months at least away from dating anyone.

I have a ton of respect for him and feel a very strong connection and attraction to him. If I made a list of everything I’d want in a man he’d be it. (for those that cry delusion/crush —he also has a few issues to overcome that I wouldn’t pick out for myself but who doesn’t?)

If you were both attracted to each other but the timing was wrong? Would you worry that being close friends would jeopardize a future relationship? Like short term enjoyment of them would ruin future prospects? I’m trying to decide how to play this hand I’ve been dealt ;)

Help!

The timing isn’t good because after counseling it was recommended that he refrain from dating for a year (co-depending relationships were a problem in the past). He’s about 8 months at least away from dating anyone.

^ If that's the case, it is not a good idea to pursue anything (imo). If you're friends, leave it at that.

May I ask how old you are?

^ If that's the case, it is not a good idea to pursue anything (imo). If you're friends, leave it at that.

 

May I ask how old you are?

Sure, I’m 29, I should have put that in the original post.

Sure, I’m 29, I should have put that in the original post.

Thanks. Oh, much older than I thought. I thought you were very young, lol.

Not a problem. Most people think I’m 18-24 in person as well.

Well, he's flirting with you. I think that's pretty obvious. But you made the case that he needs to wait, as Capricorn3 pointed out. Don't make any moves on him, but just continue to be his friend.

Yes, you are both attracted to each other, no problem there, but why the hurry? Sure, you need to take the time to allow for the past to settle down, but there is no reason you just can't continue as you are as friends until another suitable time to move things forward. This will allow you to keep getting to know each other.

Well, he's flirting with you. I think that's pretty obvious. But you made the case that he needs to wait, as Capricorn3 pointed out. Don't make any moves on him, but just continue to be his friend.

Danzee,

I wasn’t sure— I’m kind of relieved that you see it that way. I kept wondering if it was really flirting or just friendly. The compliments pull me to say flirting as his main love language is words of affirmation.

Thanks for your advice.

I guess my real question is I love to relationship we have (which is obviously flirty) — it feels so good. But when it comes down to it that is pretty selfish. How should I balance that with treating him well (he can’t date and I don’t want to cause him added sexual tension) and not letting the friend zone sneak in.

Yes, you are both attracted to each other, no problem there, but why the hurry? Sure, you need to take the time to allow for the past to settle down, but there is no reason you just can't continue as you are as friends until another suitable time to move things forward. This will allow you to keep getting to know each other.

Thanks Keyman,

Yes, your assessment also gives me more confidence in his feelings. I was feeling alittle bit like I was crazy, knowing he couldn’t date but also feeling real chemistry and ‘as if he were attracted’ without being fully confident because of my background knowledge of his situation.

No hurry, I’m just wondering how to conduct myself in the next few months that won’t build up sexual tension. but I also don’t want him to think I’ve lost interest (he has low self esteem, and I do as well).

So, was he the 'addict' or the supporter/enabler in the co-dependant relationships?

I'm trying to determine why it would matter so much if you just started dating. If it was he that was the 'addict' in whatever way it was, then should you be going there are all? If he was simply enabling the addict, then how would that pass on to you, unless you too are an addict of some kind that he would eventually enable?

He might be romantically interested in you and not interested in dating you/not available to date. Romantic interest doesn't always mean interest in dating.

Keyman,

Basically he has seen co-dependent relationships his whole life (starting from young age with Mom) to the point he was dating awful women but would get trapped into the unhealthy cycle because of co-dependency.

He has changed a lot since getting counciling, but the strong recommendation was that he not jump into relationships right away. Judgement skills need time to recalibrate! He has some self care and growing to do (even a great girlfriend would detract from allowing him to gain his own footing truly living without co-dependency or enabling)

Does that help?

He might be romantically interested in you and not interested in dating you/not available to date. Romantic interest doesn't always mean interest in dating.

Thanks,

He’s a dating kind of guy. So it might not to others but he wouldn’t go there.

Thanks,

He’s a dating kind of guy. So it might not to others but he wouldn’t go there.

OK. So he might be romantically interested in you and not interested in dating you.

OK. So he might be romantically interested in you and not interested in dating you.

Well he isn’t supposed to be interested in dating anyone right now.

So yes, he in theory isn’t interested in dating me right now.

I can’t speak for the future. In my experience romantic interest and wanting to date someone are synonymous. That doesn’t mean that both people will be on the same page...

Is he flirting? Yes. Should he be given his issues? Probably not. The thing with flirting though is that it can have meaning or it can be quite meaningless fun and nothing comes of it.

Sounds like you have developed a crush on him, sooo.... Honestly, I'd take a step back, not encourage any escalation in flirting and let him actually work on his issues.

The thing is that if he is really serious about fixing himself, he does need to go through with it and do it for real. Once done, IF he genuinely likes you, then you can give things a shot if you are also still interested. Until then, it's going to be a wait and see game.

Also, beware. People who are drawn to toxic relationships tend to be themselves a problem. They are addicted to drama like a drug addict. A normal, happy, healthy relationship is boring to them. So you definitely do not want to get involved with him until he has truly fixed himself and taken the full time necessary to do so. He kind of has to rewire a lot in his mind to be a good partner to anyone.

Dancingfool “Once done, IF he genuinely likes you, then you can give things a shot if you are also still interested. Until then, it's going to be a wait and see game.

Also, beware. People who are drawn to toxic relationships tend to be themselves a problem. They are addicted to drama like a drug addict. ”

Absolutely! I 100% agree about the addiction to drama and he admits as much himself.”

If and until he asks you out he's "safe" and you can continue being "flirty friends", instead of going on real dates or having real relationships. If he wanted to date you, you would know. The "therapist" story sounds like a polite let down.

I guess my real question is I love to relationship we have (which is obviously flirty) — it feels so good

The "therapist" story sounds like a polite let down.

This is something that he has shared with our entire friend group. It is common knowledge, not something he has told me in an aside.

He isn’t dating anyone for a year. I am in support of this, myself included ;)

Well he isn’t supposed to be interested in dating anyone right now.

So yes, he in theory isn’t interested in dating me right now.

 

I can’t speak for the future. In my experience romantic interest and wanting to date someone are synonymous. That doesn’t mean that both people will be on the same page...

To me it is not - you can be romantically interested in someone and not want to date them for a variety of reasons -no long term potential, different values, not enough in common, etc (for example I was very romantically interested in my husband and if he'd told me he'd changed his mind about wanting marriage/family in general I would not have dated him or continued dating him despite my romantic interest).

Then what is it you want from him that isn't already there, like the flirty friendship?

He isn’t dating anyone for a year. I am in support of this, myself included ;)

To me it is not - you can be romantically interested in someone and not want to date them for a variety of reasons -no long term potential, different values, not enough in common, etc (for example I was very romantically interested in my husband and if he'd told me he'd changed his mind about wanting marriage/family in general I would not have dated him or continued dating him despite my romantic interest).

Oh I see, no values and everything important we are on the same page. Still doesn’t mean he’d want to date me, I have lower self confidence and when I think about it seriously I don’t know that anyone would want to date me...

Then what is it you want from him that isn't already there, like the flirty friendship?

I just am uncertain if I should carry on with flirting or if I need to be the ‘protective’ and ‘healthier’ person and back off?

I would avoid flirting if you’re going to get more attached. He is choosing not to date you right now and it doesn’t really matter why. So until he changes his mind - if he does - I’d keep things strictly platonic. Also he needs to see he doesn’t get the benefit of your flirty friendship if he won’t date. If you think about it if he’s not supposed to date why is he heavily flirting?

Batya, great point “Also he needs to see he doesn’t get the benefit of your flirty friendship if he won’t date. If you think about it if he’s not supposed to date why is he heavily flirting?”