My Mother's unexpectedly gone. Now what?

Hi guys,

So, I'm not really sure what kind of advice or encouragement I hope to receive here, but my thoughts and feelings are a little up in the air. 9 years ago my mother was diagnosed, out of the blue, with stage 4 terminal cancer. I was only 22 at the time. She fought so hard and she did exceptionally well with such a condition for 9 long years. 2 weeks ago, she lost her battle.

Despite her illness, the timing of her passing was actually quite sudden and unexpected. We thought she still had another year left in her. I've been living abroad for the past 3 years in order to save up money for postgraduate studies. And, just a few weeks ago, I received an offer to study at the University of Cambridge - to commence this September. I've been through some incredibly difficult times in my life and my mother has always been supportive. She has hoped right along with me for the opportunities I've fought hard to get.

When I received my offer to Cambridge, I only had a few hours of happiness before the phone call came that my mother had taken a very sudden turn and she had a matter of months to live. Despite her terminal condition, the doctors had found a way to keep her pretty healthy for 9 years, so it really was unexpected. I needed to rush home to Australia. As it turns out, those few months ended up being a few days. I had spent years preparing myself for it and I haven't fallen apart. I've handled it all pretty well and I'm at peace with her passing. But the longing to talk to her is starting to set in. I miss my mother. I even dreamed last night of her dying all over again.

I know 31 doesn't seem like such a young age to lose a parent, but I do still feel too young. And I'm sad that she won't be around to see me meet a man, get married, have children, get my Masters and PhD. I can deal with her absence, but I sent her off without having achieved almost anything yet, due to the constant difficult obstacles I've faced. She at least got to see my letter of offer to Cambridge.

On top of the loss of my mother, it looks like I will lose my chance to go to Cambridge too. 4 years ago I received an offer to study a program I've been working towards since I was 8 years old. My mother has been right behind me even when everyone else around me told me I would never make it, that my goal was impossible and unrealistic. I wasn't able to finance my studies, so I had to give up my place. And, despite having been living an working in a mentally and emotionally soul-crushing country for the past 3 years just to save up and try again, I'm still going to fall short of the amount I need. I've not been eligible for any of the scholarships available (due to being from a high earning country (despite the fact that I'm not personally 'high earning', studying at Masters level, and in a non-mainstream field). So, I set up a GoFundMe campaign in order to relieve some of the financial burden as my 45 hour a week job just isn't cutting it. My campaign hasn't been successful, unfortunately.

Everything in my life has been such an extraordinarily difficult uphill battle, the likes of which seem unnatural. It's like I've been whacked with the "bad luck" stick. Still, even in the face of all that, I have maintained a positive and hopeful attitude and have never let the setbacks stop me from pushing forward to create opportunities when doors are closed. Until now, I've refused to accept defeat. But, it's all just...so exhausting. And I miss my mother. I lose her, and likely my chance to finally (after 23 years of hard work and planning) realise my dreams, all at once.

Well, no matter what your age is, losing your mother is difficult. You didn't mention what field of study you're in so I can't offer you career or school advice. Make sure you're not going to spend a lot of money on a career that is low paying. Good luck.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother . It is young to lose your mom at 31. Just keep remembering her support and keep striving. ❤️

Hey Lotus,

I want you to know that I'm kind of in the same boat right now, and I actually came on here to start a new thread about it. But, I'm gonna post it here. I'm 28 years old, close to your age. And, two years ago, my mom had an enormous, 10 hour long surgery that resulted in cutting out part of her stomach due to a hiatal hernia strangulating her insides. The past two years have been absolute HELL for her, as well as myself and the family. ICU units, in and out of hospitals, in and out of a nursing homes, special care, etc.. She's on a feeding tube, and the surgery they did to her changed her ability to absorb nutrients properly. She dropped to 75 pounds and is severely malnourished.

On Sunday, her health dropped significantly. She ended up developing sepsis, infection of the blood, and had to be life flighted to a special hospital that deals with people in her condition. The infection is starting to cause organ failure, specifically with her kidneys. As of right now, she's barely alert/competent because of CO2 buildup in her lungs. She also has severe scoliosis, which prohibits the doctors from safely putting her on a ventilator if she needed it. I mean, she is textbook worse case scenario with everything, and I feel so horrible and helpless to do anything.

Yesterday (about 14 hours ago), I had that very scary and hard talk I would hope I would never have to have with one of the head doctors and nurses. He basically told me she is at rock bottom, and asked for my permission to let her die peacefully if things get any worse. Anything else they may try to do, including resuscitation or surgeries for organ failure would forever ruin her quality of life. She would live the rest of her life in nursing homes, living off of machines, with her feeding tube and malnourishment predicament on top.

As of right now, she is alive and stable, and they are hoping that she bounces back naturally, on her own with meds/antibiotics and maintaining her vitals. But, if things get worse. This is most likely the end of the road for my mom. I feel terrible, a whole lot of mixed emotions. The reason I agreed to her dying is, as the doctor said. If things get worse, it's really going to ruin her quality of life. I don't want my mom to be vegetable for the remainder of her years. She loved to get out, go shopping every night, I used to take her to shows/concerts and things. I didn't want to be the one of having to make her prisoner in a nursing home for the rest of her life. I also don't want to put her, myself, or the family through years of fear/wonder as to how she is doing in the nursing home or if things are gonna get worse again. She already spent over a years worth of time in nursing homes, and she was absolutely MISERABLE during it.

So, what I am saying; I can hugely, HUGELY relate to how you feel right now. I feel the same as you; she won't be around for all the major things in my life. I am one class away from graduating college. I am trying to build a business. And yes; meeting a woman, and bringing her grand kids someday (although she already has a couple). That is what hits me the hardest. She may not be around anymore to see those things. And, the "luck" comment. Yes, I feel the same sometimes; like the worlds most unlucky man sometimes. Unlucky in love, unlucky with my mom, unlucky with work/career things sometimes, my car broke down last month. I feel like, I'm in a hole that is sinking deeper and deeper. And it infuriates me that my mom has to be put through all this.

My mom may pull through, and should could die any day. It's terrible. I know you actually lost your mother, which is horrible, but I am facing that same reality minute-by-minute right now. And On the other hand, there is some relief with all this. If my mom were to die, she would be free from all her physical pain, ailments, and living off this goddamn feeding tube that I am absolutely sick of seeing her have to deal with. And, that is what I say to you, and why I decided to let them end my moms life if it comes to that. Your mom is free of cancer's clutch now. You or your family no longer have to worry about her health constantly. Have that dark cloud of anxiety over your head. You should be happy and grateful she lasted 9 years against terminal cancer. And don't feel bad about your career and things. When my mom first went through all this, I took a YEAR off college (which is why I'm 28 and still not finished!). I just, I knew I wouldn't be able to focus or concentrate with what I was going through with my mom at the time. And I'm glad I did, because I bounced back strong and got very high grades, resulting in only one class left.

If you need the time... take the time off. Talk to the colleges/universities or whatever about temporary academic leave. Most are understanding of such things. My college, unless you don't schedule for two years, you stay a "student" there. Going to college, walking through the motions, not concentrating, screwing up your grades... it's bad. Everything you do stays on your record forever with colleges. I bombed a couple classes in the past, and they are on my record forever. So if you need the time, take it, and figure out the finances later. But, I wish the best to you and your family. I understand what you are going through, totally. We are both too young to deal with this crap.

Hey Lotus,

I want you to know that I'm kind of in the same boat right now, and I actually came on here to start a new thread about it. But, I'm gonna post it here. I'm 28 years old, close to your age. And, two years ago, my mom had an enormous, 10 hour long surgery that resulted in cutting out part of her stomach due to a hiatal hernia strangulating her insides. The past two years have been absolute HELL for her, as well as myself and the family. ICU units, in and out of hospitals, in and out of a nursing homes, special care, etc.. She's on a feeding tube, and the surgery they did to her changed her ability to absorb nutrients properly. She dropped to 75 pounds and is severely malnourished.

On Sunday, her health dropped significantly. She ended up developing sepsis, infection of the blood, and had to be life flighted to a special hospital that deals with people in her condition. The infection is starting to cause organ failure, specifically with her kidneys. As of right now, she's barely alert/competent because of CO2 buildup in her lungs. She also has severe scoliosis, which prohibits the doctors from safely putting her on a ventilator if she needed it. I mean, she is textbook worse case scenario with everything, and I feel so horrible and helpless to do anything.

 

Yesterday (about 14 hours ago), I had that very scary and hard talk I would hope I would never have to have with one of the head doctors and nurses. He basically told me she is at rock bottom, and asked for my permission to let her die peacefully if things get any worse. Anything else they may try to do, including resuscitation or surgeries for organ failure would forever ruin her quality of life. She would live the rest of her life in nursing homes, living off of machines, with her feeding tube and malnourishment predicament on top.

As of right now, she is alive and stable, and they are hoping that she bounces back naturally, on her own with meds/antibiotics and maintaining her vitals. But, if things get worse. This is most likely the end of the road for my mom. I feel terrible, a whole lot of mixed emotions. The reason I agreed to her dying is, as the doctor said. If things get worse, it's really going to ruin her quality of life. I don't want my mom to be vegetable for the remainder of her years. She loved to get out, go shopping every night, I used to take her to shows/concerts and things. I didn't want to be the one of having to make her prisoner in a nursing home for the rest of her life. I also don't want to put her, myself, or the family through years of fear/wonder as to how she is doing in the nursing home or if things are gonna get worse again. She already spent over a years worth of time in nursing homes, and she was absolutely MISERABLE during it.

 

So, what I am saying; I can hugely, HUGELY relate to how you feel right now. I feel the same as you; she won't be around for all the major things in my life. I am one class away from graduating college. I am trying to build a business. And yes; meeting a woman, and bringing her grand kids someday (although she already has a couple). That is what hits me the hardest. She may not be around anymore to see those things. And, the "luck" comment. Yes, I feel the same sometimes; like the worlds most unlucky man sometimes. Unlucky in love, unlucky with my mom, unlucky with work/career things sometimes, my car broke down last month. I feel like, I'm in a hole that is sinking deeper and deeper. And it infuriates me that my mom has to be put through all this.

 

My mom may pull through, and should could die any day. It's terrible. I know you actually lost your mother, which is horrible, but I am facing that same reality minute-by-minute right now. And On the other hand, there is some relief with all this. If my mom were to die, she would be free from all her physical pain, ailments, and living off this goddamn feeding tube that I am absolutely sick of seeing her have to deal with. And, that is what I say to you, and why I decided to let them end my moms life if it comes to that. Your mom is free of cancer's clutch now. You or your family no longer have to worry about her health constantly. Have that dark cloud of anxiety over your head. You should be happy and grateful she lasted 9 years against terminal cancer. And don't feel bad about your career and things. When my mom first went through all this, I took a YEAR off college (which is why I'm 28 and still not finished!). I just, I knew I wouldn't be able to focus or concentrate with what I was going through with my mom at the time. And I'm glad I did, because I bounced back strong and got very high grades, resulting in only one class left.

 

If you need the time... take the time off. Talk to the colleges/universities or whatever about temporary academic leave. Most are understanding of such things. My college, unless you don't schedule for two years, you stay a "student" there. Going to college, walking through the motions, not concentrating, screwing up your grades... it's bad. Everything you do stays on your record forever with colleges. I bombed a couple classes in the past, and they are on my record forever. So if you need the time, take it, and figure out the finances later. But, I wish the best to you and your family. I understand what you are going through, totally. We are both too young to deal with this crap.

Thank you for your response. I wrote out a response of my own a little while back but it didn't save and post properly, so I haven't had the chance to respond again until now. I read about your own mother's passing; I'm sorry for the loss. As with you, the relief that they're no longer suffering outweighs my grief of their leaving. I hope you continue to move forward well and wish you all the very best for the future!