Vacation?

Me and my ex had a vacation planned for tomorrow. We were supposed to go to the Ocean with my cousin and his wife. I cancelled her ticket but never cancelled mine. The flight is tomorrow AM and I keep wondering if I should go or not.

Pros:

-Be good to get out of the house

-More Distractions

Cons:

-The trip will remind me of her the whole time and how she was supposed to be there

-Any pictures that I, my cousin, or my cousin's wife posts...she'll probably see on FB. Knowing me, I'll prolly start obsessing over that. Want her to see that I'm moving on

-My cousin and his wife will have to put up with my sadness

I thought a vacation would originally be good. I did take one the week the breakup happened. But during that time I was in shock so it wasn't as bad. Now, I have a feeling it's going to be gut wrenching thinking of her everywhere I go. If I stay at home, I still have things to keep me busy and friends to hang out with. I don't know...

I mean, it'd be pretty ****ty to cancel on your cousin and his wife the night before the trip. I think the ship has sailed if you were at all hoping to respectfully get out of it.

I mean, it'd be pretty ****ty to cancel on your cousin and his wife the night before the trip. I think the ship has sailed if you were at all hoping to respectfully get out of it.

Yeah, I should clarify. They live close to the ocean and are going regardless. They understand if I can't go. They've known about the breakup and my feelings on it. I don't mind wasting the $ either if it's the wrong move.

Go! The good outweighs the bad. Don't deprive yourself. You may come back with a fresh perspective that you can't foresee right now.

Pros:

-Be good to get out of the house

-More Distractions

Why are you still friends with her on FB? Social media keeps us too tied, too entangled. You are basing a decision partly on what she will see on your page, so eliminate that issue by removing her.

I say, go. Enjoy. Have fun. One of the best things to do when we break up is to start creating our own happy memories, happy places, happy people. One year from now, you'll look back on this beach vacation as a fun time with your cousin. You can do that, or you can stay home alone. I say, go.

Go! The good outweighs the bad. Don't deprive yourself. You may come back with a fresh perspective that you can't foresee right now.

^What he said. A change of scenery might just have a surprisingly good effect on your brain.

Why are you still friends with her on FB? Social media keeps us too tied, too entangled. You are basing a decision partly on what she will see on your page, so eliminate that issue by removing her.

 

I say, go. Enjoy. Have fun. One of the best things to do when we break up is to start creating our own happy memories, happy places, happy people. One year from now, you'll look back on this beach vacation as a fun time with your cousin. You can do that, or you can stay home alone. I say, go.

I agree and has been conflicting advice around these parts. I don't stalk her page by any means and with FB you can choose to unfollow so you don't see their stuff. And I haven't posted anything since the breakup so it hasn't really been an issue for me up until this point. I guess I want do want to remain civil with her and be on good terms. I do see us (or want us to) reconnecting at some point and don't want to be petty. If I have the willpower to stay off I guess I didn't see the issue.

Also, as mentioned if I don't go on vacation I do have the option to keep busy here. Like hanging out with friends and going to the gym and what not.

Thank you for your input!

^What he said. A change of scenery might just have a surprisingly good effect on your brain.

Good point.

Go and make a point to actually be mentally present, focus on your cousin and actually enjoying your time with them and whatever you all do. Stay in the moment and enjoy it. In fact decline to discuss or even mention your ex. You need a break and this trip might be a good way to jolt your brain out of that tired groove. A change of scenery, traveling actually already prompts your brain to change gears and be open to new thoughts. You'll only stay fixated on your ex IF you actively choose to. You can choose to focus on pretty much everything else around you.

I don't stalk her page by any means and with FB you can choose to unfollow so you don't see their stuff. And I haven't posted anything since the breakup so it hasn't really been an issue for me up until this point. I guess I want do want to remain civil with her and be on good terms.!

I don't understand what it is about thinking that preventing someone from having access to your inner world is being uncivilized. That's the first thing I do post break up. (remove them from social media) And. .I can still choose to be civil and kind in other ways.

I just don't want them watching my whereabouts as much as I don't wish to see theirs.

As you are experiencing. . it keeps you from moving fwd.

Question: if she didn't have social media access to you would it help you make your decision?

Don’t let your cousin down. GO! And have fun! You are letting her have control by you not going. Who cares about FB?

I don't know...the more I think about the trip, I'm terrified. I can't stop crying right now. The thought of sitting in a plane for 5 hours and having it hold it together is terrifying. Knowing that we had this whole itinerary planned and I'll be reminded of her everywhere is terrifying. Knowing the day after I get back, I have to get my furniture and talk to her one last time. Terrifying.

The tears just don't stop and I can't get out of bed. I just want this pain to end. It's so hard to keep fighting this. I don't have the strength anymore. I miss her so @#!ing much and I can't do anything about it.

CubbyB, you're giving this women WAY too much power and control in your life.

And if you choose to cancel this trip, you are giving her even MORE power and control!

Go on the trip and look at it as an opportunity to take some of your power back!

Breakups are incredibly sad and painful, but you simply cannot stop living your life due to whatever fears you have about thinking about her and missing her.

IMO it's good to experience those feelings, let yourself feel them, rise to the surface and eventually you can release them.

The worst thing you can do is suppress those feelings by denying yourself activities you did together as a way to avoid those emotions.

So I say, go on the trip and have a blast! Or try to.

You might even find yourself having a good time!!!

That said, I am really sorry you're hurting and whatever you choose to do, I hope you feel better soon!

Thank you. You are probably right and so is everyone else. But if I go...it's not because I want too. It's because I want her to see that she doesn't have control over me, that I'm moving on, that I'm having a good time, that I have a new I keep look etc. etc. She still wins it's not readily apparent. Messed up, right?

Either way, thank you for the good advice. I'm going to go and try and have a good time. I'll bring sunglasses on the plane for when I cry. And hope that it's not too miserable without her.

Yay! Glad to hear you're going. One of the best things I ever did after the hardest breakup of my life was to go on a beach trip with my parents that was supposed to originally be the four of us. I ended up thinking about him of course, but it was therapeutic simply being away from the space in which all the drama occurred, and the beach is such a relaxing place naturally. The people you are going with know you are going through a hard time and probably want to help. If you get upset at times, I doubt they will judge you for that. They may even offer some much needed support!

Pro-tip: if you like stand-up comedy, listen to it on the plane! It's hard to cry when you're laughing and helped me get through the long drive I took up to the beach by myself.

Thank you. SGH. I’m going to try and go. My goal is to stop crying for a 4 hour period on the plane.

Hi CubbyBear, thanks for your post. I totally believe you should go on this trip! I do understand the anxiety you feel about crying on the long plane ride. I've been through breakups, and I've had periods in my life where I had anxiety while flying. I learned a trick that helped me on long flights or even during sleepless nights. . . . . it is pretty old school though! I go buy a physical crossword puzzle book. I have had great success on a long flight back from the west coast, having dropped my youngest daughter at university, and wanting to cry my eyes out. I just focused on the puzzles.....and it really helped. Movies, music, shows, none of those helped and most made things worse. The puzzles are boring and mundane and force your brain to think. . . . I never fly without taking a crossword puzzle book. Note, circle-word puzzle books or sudoku books would also help if you prefer those. . . good luck, I hope you go on this trip and get some good brain space and healing!

Hi CubbyBear, thanks for your post. I totally believe you should go on this trip! I do understand the anxiety you feel about crying on the long plane ride. I've been through breakups, and I've had periods in my life where I had anxiety while flying. I learned a trick that helped me on long flights or even during sleepless nights. . . . . it is pretty old school though! I go buy a physical crossword puzzle book. I have had great success on a long flight back from the west coast, having dropped my youngest daughter at university, and wanting to cry my eyes out. I just focused on the puzzles.....and it really helped. Movies, music, shows, none of those helped and most made things worse. The puzzles are boring and mundane and force your brain to think. . . . I never fly without taking a crossword puzzle book. Note, circle-word puzzle books or sudoku books would also help if you prefer those. . . good luck, I hope you go on this trip and get some good brain space and healing!

Thank you, Mines. I may try that. I would typically try to do shows/movies but if I see anything remotely close to a couple or love or a breakup....I get triggered.

Great idea

I unfriended my ex wife after she became friends with her affair partner, I deactivated my face book profile soon after that (I told her I had it deleted lol) because I don't want to torture my myself constantly of seeing pics of us together etc....

Go.. 1000% go. :)

Hi CubbyBear, thanks for your post. I totally believe you should go on this trip! I do understand the anxiety you feel about crying on the long plane ride. I've been through breakups, and I've had periods in my life where I had anxiety while flying. I learned a trick that helped me on long flights or even during sleepless nights. . . . . it is pretty old school though! I go buy a physical crossword puzzle book. I have had great success on a long flight back from the west coast, having dropped my youngest daughter at university, and wanting to cry my eyes out. I just focused on the puzzles.....and it really helped. Movies, music, shows, none of those helped and most made things worse. The puzzles are boring and mundane and force your brain to think. . . . I never fly without taking a crossword puzzle book. Note, circle-word puzzle books or sudoku books would also help if you prefer those. . . good luck, I hope you go on this trip and get some good brain space and healing!

I found this out by accident. When I am worried, upset or anxious, I noticed that playing (electronic) solitaire or mahjog, I can't simultaneously worry about something.

It's as if that emotional side of your brain has to pause in order to use the problem solving part of your brain. You can't do both at the same time.

Try it!