Am I in a dysfunction / toxic relationship?

I am 29 & my girlfriend is 24. In my opinion she is very immature & insecure. We have been seeing each other almost 2 years & in that time she has broken up with me more times than I can remember. She will normally tell me to get lost or she no longer wants to be with me over text. The majority of arguments are petty & do not need to result in a relationship breakdown. A few things that have happened & some of the problems I am facing are:

We live apart & I wake her up by phoning her every morning at 6:30am. I do this while getting ready for work, it can take up to 20 calls sometimes for her to wake up. In the past when we have argued the night before & she as been nasty to me I have not attempted to wake her up. She then confronts me about this & causes an argument over why I didn’t phone her in the morning.

She has a habit of verbally abusing me when we argue & when I confront her she says it’s my fault for annoying her. She likes to use the words “idiot” often if I say something she doesn’t agree with.

I created a resume for her 2 years ago to help her get a job & she constantly asks me to send the resume off to employees. I did tell her that she needs to do it herself & she had a massive argument with me because I told her that she cannot keep asking me to do this as I have my own stuff to do.

She is supposed to apply for jobs as part of her benefit entitlement program & she didn’t for a whole 4 weeks then asked me to help her 2 days before the deadline.

She could not see me one Friday because she was on her period but then said she was off out drinking to a club. She later admitted that she made it up to piss me off.

I have problem with my mobile network sometimes & texts do not go though. I send her screenshots of the texts that I have sent, but she does not believe me.

She has ended our relationship over 20 times in 2 years.

She will say stuff like “leave me alone” “F**K off” “don’t speak to me again” “go away” & when I remove myself from the situation because she’s said these things she accuses me of not caring or been ignorant.

When I stick up for myself or give my opinion she says I am causing arguments.

She checks my mobile which I am fine with but keeps hers away from me.

She has called me some nasty insults when we broke up about my personal appearance & how she needs to get drunk to sleep with me.

If I do not reply to her texts at work within a certain amount of time she texts me again calling me ignorant or accusing me of talking to someone else because I have not replied quick enough.

I am constantly treading on egg shells & I am waiting for her to end the relationship every time we have a disagreement. The disagreements normally start with some kind of immature behaviour or her believing the world revolves around her & when I stick up for myself & yeah sometimes I do raise my voice she immediately uses my response to divert the attention to me & point out that I am always causing arguments or that my attitude is horrible. We then start arguing about me & the original issue is pushed to one side. When I call her out on her behaviour she says I am twisting things or I am playing games.

I take full responsibility that I am not perfect & sometimes I do cause some of the arguments but I always reflect & apologise where necessary. When I do apologise she punishes me for days & constantly brings the subject up again.

If you look at it from your own perspective it probably appears that I am to blame too & like I said sometimes I do not help but does this really mean that she should of broken up with me over 20 times? Also, does it mean that she has the right to verbally abuse me when we are having a disagreement? What is going to happen if we have a major problem in the future if she can break up with me now over trivial things. I have spoken to her over & over again about her verbal abuse & it still happens, should I take this kind of behaviour? I would like to tell her that I can no longer wake her up on a morning because I have to get myself ready but I know she will react & say something along the lines of "well you've always done it" or "that means you don't care about me now". I just don't know what to think anymore, am I losing my marbles & I have problem?

I take full responsibility that I am not perfect & sometimes I do cause some of the arguments but I always reflect & apologise where necessary. When I do apologise she punishes me for days & constantly brings the subject up again.

What did you possibly do to deserve beating yourself up? Nothing, I'll bet. We all make mistakes. Nobody deserves maltreatment.

One exercise I'd suggest is taking a personal inventory. What roles and responsibilities belong to you and what belong to her? You don't get to control how other people behave. But how you choose to react to those around you is your choice. It seems to me that, when confronted with being called an idiot/etc, you pursue this woman like a heat-seeking missile. There are literally billions of women in the world and you're pursuing the one person who takes gleeful joy in putting you down.

Choosing to date this woman who treats you poorly is your role and responsibility, while her mistreatment of you is her role and responsibility that is beyond your control.

Sorry you're going through this. The short answer to your question is: yes, this is the very definition of toxic.

I'm 7 months out of a relationship with some similar dynamics—not the constant breaking up, but the sense of victimhood, the ability to turn everything into a verdict, the inability to ever acknowledge my own feelings but instead to make everything about her. I'd imagine that during a lot of these arguments you may find yourself apologizing for things you're not actually sorry about in order to placate her dramatic pain—that you are essentially taking the responsibility because she refuses to and that's just the easier way to let things simmer down.

That dynamic is insincere on both sides, and just corrodes and corrodes the foundation. For whatever is "good" in this relationship—hot sex, comfort, whatever—it's very clear from what you've written that you do not respect your girlfriend. Without respect, there really isn't much to build on.

Here's the thing. She is young. And she has shown herself to be immature and insecure. You know this, have known for some time, so at a certain point you have to start asking the harder questions. Namely: what are YOU doing staying in this? What insecurities of YOURS are feeding this dynamic? What pieces of self-respect do YOU lack to continually engage with someone you don't respect? And does staying in it, and making it "work," act as a way for you to dodge those questions because some semi-conscious part of you knows the answers aren't so pretty?

In other words, everything that you are now fed up with/torn apart by is also connected to what you're attracted to in her. Like, have you enjoyed being the Rational One? The Mature One? The One Who Has It Figured Out? Does part of you enjoy the power of being a caretaker, a stable counterpoint to her instability. It takes two—and, in this case, two wounded, hungry egos—to build a dynamic like this. All that's what's at the heart of the toxicity. There may be real love between the two of you, but the glue that connects you is ego-driven. In ways, you're both looking to find high ground by putting the other down.

I don't mean any of that to sound harsh. These are the questions I've had to ask myself in the wake of getting out of my relationship, and asking them as been GUTTING. On paper, I was the more secure one in so many ways: I was older, I had a thriving career where she didn't, was more mature in so many ways, was proactive about stuff (paying bills, job stuff) in way she just was not (she'd say she was going to do x/y/z and then just smoke some pot). But the very fact that I was continually engaging with someone who had repeatedly shown me who she was was very much a sign of my own immaturity, the little wounded child in me who doesn't feel deserving of genuine love and so on. Facing that—thanks, therapy!—has been both incredibly humbling and incredibly rewarding.

It seems you have a pretty clear awareness about the issues. The question becomes: Can a toxic dynamic become a healthy one? The answer is: maybe. But only if both people can clearly say, "This is toxic and I want to change it." What makes that hard is it means giving up the twisted reward system you've both created for a long, long time.

At some level you know the answer, hence your thread title. She must be hot/great in bed for you to encourage this by enabling and indulging this spoiled obnoxious behavior. She's not going to change and you'll never fix her. The "future" will look even more abysmal and get much worse unless you reflect on your need for this kind of drama and end things. Please use birth control and don't bring anyone innocent into this toxic swill.

What is going to happen if we have a major problem in the future if she can break up with me now over trivial things. I know she will react & say something along the lines of "well you've always done it" or "that means you don't care about me now".

does this really mean that she should of broken up with me over 20 times? Also, does it mean that she has the right to verbally abuse me when we are having a disagreement? should I take this kind of behaviour?

Seriously?? You don't know whether or not you should tolerate abuse? You don't know whether or not it's normal for a gf to dump you 20x in 2 years??

You know the answers to these questions. You know NONE of this is normal or acceptable. Yet YOU have CHOSEN to accept it for 2 years now...Why?

And don't say "Because I love her."

Yup, there's that word again, "eggshells." Whenever someone writes that you know they're in an abusive situation. Just Google emotional abuse and emotional dependency to understand what you're going through. You're in a terribly abusive situation. What your girlfriend is doing is controlling and manipulating you through her phony break ups and arguments. She has you working like a slave for her by waking her up in the morning, sending out her resumes, insulting you and making you apologize for things she's doing. That's where the emotional dependency comes in because you put up with it. You're so afraid she's really going to break up with you that you endure all this abuse for the few seconds of time when she might be nice to you.

What you need to do is call her or text her that you have had enough. Wish her a happy life and tell her not to contact you again. Then block her from everything and delete her from your phone. You might miss the abuse at first, but eventually your head will clear and you will feel a great weight lifted off of you. Stay No Contact and do not break it. It's for your own sanity and your own self confidence and self esteem. And once you recover, then you can find a nice girl who won't do all these things to you.

I have been through kind of the same thing you have but i was with my ex for only nearly a year and he broke up with me countless amont of times a few times every month over petty things and would block me for days and tell me to f*ck off and he's not doing this anymore ignore me and I kept chasing him back for him to do it again and again and like you was on egg shells i couldnt plan anything in case he be gone again and everyone was telling me to walk away I have threads on here about it. It's got to the point where I'm emotionally drained, low self esteme, blaming myself and it was toxic and emotional abuse. I Have now walked away and blocked him from everywhere it hurt so bad but I had no choice I would have been a wrek. These kinda people we can not have a future with they will ruin out self esteem confidence and everything and eventually we will be too damaged to find the right one for us.

My advice as someone that has been through this myself as hard as it is to walk away because you love her is WALK AWAY block her and get support of friends and family to help you move on. Let her know how it feels but mean it. It does get easier I never thought I'd say it but now I look back and think what a fool he was and now i just want to erase him from my mind like I never met him. They don't deserve us and no one will put up with that kind of behaviour like we did they will end up alone but you gotta put yourself first. I'm glad I didn't stick it out as long as you have but it won't change now 2 years on it will only get worse.

Yes and you know it. As others, I'm wondering why on earth you stay and put up with this.

As for break ups, I have a personal rule I've always lived by - I don't play break up/make up games, the first break up is final, no second chances. Saved me a lot of headaches when I was young and just starting out on this dating/relationship journey. It literally quickly eliminates toxic crazy people. It takes two to play toxic games and when you don't play, it makes life so much better.

I am 29 & my girlfriend is 24. In my opinion she is very immature & insecure. We have been seeing each other almost 2 years & in that time she has broken up with me more times than I can remember. She will normally tell me to get lost or she no longer wants to be with me over text. The majority of arguments are petty & do not need to result in a relationship breakdown. A few things that have happened & some of the problems I am facing are:

 

We live apart & I wake her up by phoning her every morning at 6:30am. I do this while getting ready for work, it can take up to 20 calls sometimes for her to wake up. In the past when we have argued the night before & she as been nasty to me I have not attempted to wake her up. She then confronts me about this & causes an argument over why I didn’t phone her in the morning.

 

She has a habit of verbally abusing me when we argue & when I confront her she says it’s my fault for annoying her. She likes to use the words “idiot” often if I say something she doesn’t agree with.

 

I created a resume for her 2 years ago to help her get a job & she constantly asks me to send the resume off to employees. I did tell her that she needs to do it herself & she had a massive argument with me because I told her that she cannot keep asking me to do this as I have my own stuff to do.

 

She is supposed to apply for jobs as part of her benefit entitlement program & she didn’t for a whole 4 weeks then asked me to help her 2 days before the deadline.

 

She could not see me one Friday because she was on her period but then said she was off out drinking to a club. She later admitted that she made it up to piss me off.

 

I have problem with my mobile network sometimes & texts do not go though. I send her screenshots of the texts that I have sent, but she does not believe me.

 

She has ended our relationship over 20 times in 2 years.

 

She will say stuff like “leave me alone” “F**K off” “don’t speak to me again” “go away” & when I remove myself from the situation because she’s said these things she accuses me of not caring or been ignorant.

 

When I stick up for myself or give my opinion she says I am causing arguments.

 

She checks my mobile which I am fine with but keeps hers away from me.

 

She has called me some nasty insults when we broke up about my personal appearance & how she needs to get drunk to sleep with me.

 

If I do not reply to her texts at work within a certain amount of time she texts me again calling me ignorant or accusing me of talking to someone else because I have not replied quick enough.

 

I am constantly treading on egg shells & I am waiting for her to end the relationship every time we have a disagreement. The disagreements normally start with some kind of immature behaviour or her believing the world revolves around her & when I stick up for myself & yeah sometimes I do raise my voice she immediately uses my response to divert the attention to me & point out that I am always causing arguments or that my attitude is horrible. We then start arguing about me & the original issue is pushed to one side. When I call her out on her behaviour she says I am twisting things or I am playing games.

 

I take full responsibility that I am not perfect & sometimes I do cause some of the arguments but I always reflect & apologise where necessary. When I do apologise she punishes me for days & constantly brings the subject up again.

 

If you look at it from your own perspective it probably appears that I am to blame too & like I said sometimes I do not help but does this really mean that she should of broken up with me over 20 times? Also, does it mean that she has the right to verbally abuse me when we are having a disagreement? What is going to happen if we have a major problem in the future if she can break up with me now over trivial things. I have spoken to her over & over again about her verbal abuse & it still happens, should I take this kind of behaviour? I would like to tell her that I can no longer wake her up on a morning because I have to get myself ready but I know she will react & say something along the lines of "well you've always done it" or "that means you don't care about me now". I just don't know what to think anymore, am I losing my marbles & I have problem?

wow who needs this in their life?

If this is true, WHY are you with her? Serious question.

Well, yes, you already know this is ridiculously dysfunctional.

So what is keeping you there? My guess is that your self-esteem has been torn to shreds and you have become very emotionally dependent on the high you get when she's nice to you.

But you already know she's not a nice person. And she's not going to change; this absurd parent-child dynamic you have here works for her. You have two choices: stay and continue to tolerate the abuse, or leave.

Seriously?? You don't know whether or not you should tolerate abuse? You don't know whether or not it's normal for a gf to dump you 20x in 2 years??

 

You know the answers to these questions. You know NONE of this is normal or acceptable. Yet YOU have CHOSEN to accept it for 2 years now...Why?

 

And don't say "Because I love her."

I do know deep down that I should not be tolerating any of this. I do not know if it's because I saw my parents in a similar situation & it's clouded my judgement as to what a normal relationship is. My previous relationship which lasted a number of years was too toxic but I left that one.

I do love & care for her but I do believe there is a deeper problem here which some people have commented on in this thread. I know I have low self esteem & probably low self worth & maybe I am emotionally dependant which I am looking into now.

I have been through kind of the same thing you have but i was with my ex for only nearly a year and he broke up with me countless amont of times a few times every month over petty things and would block me for days and tell me to f*ck off and he's not doing this anymore ignore me and I kept chasing him back for him to do it again and again and like you was on egg shells i couldnt plan anything in case he be gone again and everyone was telling me to walk away I have threads on here about it. It's got to the point where I'm emotionally drained, low self esteme, blaming myself and it was toxic and emotional abuse. I Have now walked away and blocked him from everywhere it hurt so bad but I had no choice I would have been a wrek. These kinda people we can not have a future with they will ruin out self esteem confidence and everything and eventually we will be too damaged to find the right one for us.

 

My advice as someone that has been through this myself as hard as it is to walk away because you love her is WALK AWAY block her and get support of friends and family to help you move on. Let her know how it feels but mean it. It does get easier I never thought I'd say it but now I look back and think what a fool he was and now i just want to erase him from my mind like I never met him. They don't deserve us and no one will put up with that kind of behaviour like we did they will end up alone but you gotta put yourself first. I'm glad I didn't stick it out as long as you have but it won't change now 2 years on it will only get worse.

This sounds exactly the same as I am going through. The constant break ups & the teeling you to f**k off etc. I am glad you were strong enough to get out :)

This sounds exactly the same as I am going through. The constant break ups & the teeling you to f**k off etc. I am glad you were strong enough to get out :)

My ex was like this. It lasted about a year before I finally admitted to myself that he would never change and it had become extremely detrimental for my well-being.

Breaking it off for good was really one of the best decisions I've ever made. You won't regret leaving, but you will almost definitely regret staying even one more day.

It seems that you are on the losing end whichever angle you look at. Look into your future, five years from now, ten years from now, and you will be miserable as you are today. So, before you waste more time, energy and whatever, in this toxic relationship, consider yourself, your mental state and fitness, and your happiness. As you stay in this abusive relationship, you might be passing opportunities to meet someone else who would treat you better.

Respect for each other is very important in a relationship... and she has none for you. It's gonna be crummy being with someone like that.

If this is true, WHY are you with her? Serious question.

Can I just add something to this thread. I have been pondering over the weekend about whether I am overacting slightly?

99% of the issues i outlined in my thread happen over text. So the insults, breaking up, disagreements, all happen over text messages & not face to face in person. Texting isn't a very good way of communicating & things can get misinterpreted. Should I think of these issues as less serious because of this or am i trying to make excuses for her?

Do you mean you prefer to read this rather than hear it, because it's in the form of texting rather than face-to-face? It sounds like you are hopelessly into her so no amount of reason or obvious cues to exit will work. While you rationalize all these behaviors, knowing well they are toxic, all the decent girls will pass you by.

She will say stuff like “leave me alone” “F**K off” “don’t speak to me again” “go away” & when I remove myself from the situation because she’s said these things she accuses me of not caring or been ignorant.

Would you ever insult or name call or tell someone you claim to love to F off over text?

Sounds like despite the abuse you want to stay with her.

Do you find her insults and erratic behavior sexy or exciting?

Would you ever insult or name call or tell someone you claim to love to F off over text?

 

Sounds like despite the abuse you want to stay with her.

 

Do you find her insults and erratic behavior sexy or exciting?

No I would never and never have spoke to anyone like that over text.

I think I am trying to rationalise this because of the amount of times she's made it feel like it is normal for her to talk to me like that so I'm left actually thinking whether it's me who is too sensitive?

No I would never and never have spoke to anyone like that over text.

 

I think I am trying to rationalise this because of the amount of times she's made it feel like it is normal for her to talk to me like that so I'm left actually thinking whether it's me who is too sensitive?

So let's say you told your mom to F off in a text. She gets upset. Would you tell her she's too sensitive?

So let's say you told your mom to F off in a text. She gets upset. Would you tell her she's too sensitive?

I would never tell my mom to F off in a text or in person but if I did for some reason & she got upset I would be totally upset myself so no I would never tell her that.

I would never tell my mom to F off in a text or in person but if I did for some reason & she got upset I would be totally upset myself so no I would never tell her that.

But it's ok for your girlfriend to do it because it was a text and not in person???

Reminds me of a poster on another forum. Her boyfriend told her he was not abusive because he only slapped her, he never hit her with a closed fist.

Come on! You know this is wrong. Why do you stay? And not "but I LOVE her!!!", please.

But it's ok for your girlfriend to do it because it was a text and not in person???

 

Reminds me of a poster on another forum. Her boyfriend told her he was not abusive because he only slapped her, he never hit her with a closed fist.

 

Come on! You know this is wrong. Why do you stay? And not "but I LOVE her!!!", please.

I understand I'm just trying to justify it when I really can't can I?

We have spoken tonight and she's basically called it off again because of certain things such as me not wanting to get engaged which I explained was because of the constant falling out. I guess you'll probably say it's for the best and to leave it at that?

I understand I'm just trying to justify it when I really can't can I?

 

We have spoken tonight and she's basically called it off again because of certain things such as me not wanting to get engaged which I explained was because of the constant falling out. I guess you'll probably say it's for the best and to leave it at that?

Why do you want to continue being abused?