Wise Words Welcome

I am in a bit of a pickle, and genuinely don't know what to do, so any wise words would be welcome.

I'm 6 weeks post break up. The worst I've ever experienced. I have good days and bad days, the bad days are agonizing, and the good days are tolerable (just).

I suspect like a lot of people here, every time the phone rings, or a text message comes through, and every time I check my email I am hoping for some contact, and am not ready to let go of some hope of reconciliation. The last few weeks of the relationship were full of mixed messages, and for various reasons I'm still not sure that she really wanted it to end.

Completely out of the blue I had an email from someone I was seeing a year ago. Our relationship collapsed because she was unable to commit, even to commit to when we might next meet up. It got to the point where it became easier to know I wasn't going to see her, than not knowing if I was (if that makes sense). Anyway I responded to her email even though I didn't think it was necessarily the best thing to do. Just a moment of weakness I suspect. Since then we've been emailing, and have even spoken on the phone a couple of times. She just called again and asked if I thought it might be a good idea for us to meet up and talk about things. I am tempted to agree, but am worried that I'm just using her as a distraction from the pain and loneliness, which I don't think would be fair on her.

So the question is: If I agree to meeting up am I just being selfish and thoughtless.

Likely, yes. You just mentioned that you are in horrible pain over the current breakup you're experiencing. Messing around with another ex will just complicate matters worse. If you're healing, you shouldn't be dating!

Also, you mention this particular ex has commitment issues. Do you really want to go down that path of pain again? You may think right now that you have more in common due to your own emotional unavailability, but it's quite possible that you will want more than she is able to deliver again.

Don't choose the path of least resistance. If you insist on dating again so soon, though, at least give someone different a shot who you've never been involved with before and give the past a rest.

No, I don't think you'd be selfish and thoughtless, but rather lonely, hurting and self destructive.

The ex from the past sounds incredibly dysfunctional as a person. For that reason you should actually steer well away from her and refuse meeting up. In fact go ahead and drop contact with her. You are too vulnerable at the moment, the attention feels good, but it's coming from a wrong woman. That said, take it for what it's worth - there are other women out there and you are desirable. In other words, you will heal, move on, meet someone else and things will work out for you better than you thought.

you just masking up the pain you going through aka rebound, take some time out to figure out what the best step is from here....However be honest with the person what you are going through, nobody likes to be taken for a fool or getting involved with some one that has baggage...

It is human nature to be selfish. If you werent then you wouldnt be attached to your quality of life you have sustain up until this point. Some may call it neccessities but it is all relevant to each and individual person.

The point is there are people out there that belueve rebound relationship will never work out. I have an opinion that it can work long as you know your mental self and aware what steps needs to be taken before you go into that relationship.

If you have to ask what those steps are then you should not be in a rebound relationship or try to start one before you have healed.

Do as you wish, reboubds are generally bad because most dont know how to go about it and enter it for the wrong reasons.

Did you ever think that she might be using you for the same reason? As a distraction? As a bit of fun? You're not looking for a commitment here, you're looking for a fun night out with someone you know. Maybe she's been in a relationship that broke up this past year. Maybe the two of you could just cry into your drinks over what you both did wrong?

What you're really asking is are you being disloyal to your ex-girlfriend. No, you're not. She's not coming back, but you're trying to convince yourself that she is. More than likely, she's just trying to be polite and not hurt you. Everyone on ENA recommends you go no contact when you break up with someone because you only keep hurting yourself by contacting her.

So go see your ex. See what she has to say. Maybe you'll have a short affair that can help you mend a bit. Look at it as a distraction. Like I said, you're not looking for a commitment from her.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. This is actually a very useful exercise in allowing me to focus on what is going on in my head right now, and what I feel about it.

To respond to a few points; Interestingly I didn't see this potential meeting as a 'date'. It would be in a neutral space, in the daytime, and for a short(ish) time. No doubt we would talk about the past (she has already expressed remorse at how things ended), and the future...though at the moment I have no inclination to see things go further than this meeting....but I also can't rule out that possibility.

In terms of dysfunctionality, I'm sure my own levels of dysfunction are just as bad. In fact I think that we are all dysfunctional to some degree, and life is about managing, accepting or changing ones dysfunctional behaviour. Maybe the trick is to find someone whose dysfunction dovetails with your own.

I understand the concept of no contact post break-up, and confess to being guilty of that, as indeed has the other party, and the mixed messages didn't stop in the few breaches in contact we succumbed to. Which hasn't helped.

Just keep in mind that two dysfunctional halves do not make one whole, they really just create more dysfunction.

If you want to make new friends, see some fresh faces in your life, then join meetup.com and just start going out with different groups that interest you. It will be nice without personal emotional involvement as such. If you feel ready to dip a toe in the dating pool even if just casually, then do so with new people. Don't go backwards raking up muck from the past that you already know was painful and frustrating. You'll only be adding to your pain and stopping yourself from healing. Move away from mess, not toward it.

As for nobody is perfect - certainly that's true. However, raise your bar and set better limits for yourself in terms of what you will and will not tolerate. Never ever approach life the such a low point of view - well I'm messed up so I only deserve whoever is messed up. You are hurting and raw from a break up, but you aren't really dysfunctional. Your ex is hands down dysfunctional from what you describe. There is a difference. To be honest, when you feel so low about yourself....you really really shouldn't be dating because it will lead you into one toxic mess after another. Heal, focus on friends, having fun. Reach that point where you feel good about your life, THEN date. You'll find that when you value yourself, then you are also more discriminating about choosing a mate for yourself, which leads to better relationships and a better life. It's kind of a vicious circle.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. This is actually a very useful exercise in allowing me to focus on what is going on in my head right now, and what I feel about it.

 

To respond to a few points; Interestingly I didn't see this potential meeting as a 'date'. It would be in a neutral space, in the daytime, and for a short(ish) time. No doubt we would talk about the past (she has already expressed remorse at how things ended), and the future...though at the moment I have no inclination to see things go further than this meeting....but I also can't rule out that possibility.

 

In terms of dysfunctionality, I'm sure my own levels of dysfunction are just as bad. In fact I think that we are all dysfunctional to some degree, and life is about managing, accepting or changing ones dysfunctional behaviour. Maybe the trick is to find someone whose dysfunction dovetails with your own.

 

I understand the concept of no contact post break-up, and confess to being guilty of that, as indeed has the other party, and the mixed messages didn't stop in the few breaches in contact we succumbed to. Which hasn't helped.

I like this...

"In terms of dysfunctionality, I'm sure my own levels of dysfunction are just as bad. In fact I think that we are all dysfunctional to some degree, and life is about managing, accepting or changing ones dysfunctional behaviour. Maybe the trick is to find someone whose dysfunction dovetails with your own."

I agree with DanZee on this. I met up with an ex a few months ago and we both walked away just fine. She was a huge boost for me ego when I was feeling like garbage.

I say go hang out, talk about exs and have fun. But be upfront if you want nothing, but that one meeting or friendship. What ever it is you want just tell the other person, it's not rocket science.

Mitch

 

In terms of dysfunctionality, I'm sure my own levels of dysfunction are just as bad. In fact I think that we are all dysfunctional to some degree, and life is about managing, accepting or changing ones dysfunctional behaviour. Maybe the trick is to find someone whose dysfunction dovetails with your own.

.

now, there's a good rationalization.....

 

In terms of dysfunctionality, I'm sure my own levels of dysfunction are just as bad. In fact I think that we are all dysfunctional to some degree, and life is about managing, accepting or changing ones dysfunctional behaviour. Maybe the trick is to find someone whose dysfunction dovetails with your own.

.

now, there's a good rationalization.....

there is a crude saying `if you're hungry, you are likely to eat anything'

Just thought I’d add an update, as a few helpful insights/experiences came out of this.

Well even though responses here were mixed, I agreed to meet up yesterday. We had a nice river-side stroll, a picnic and a catch up on what we’d both been up to. We were only together for a few hours, and I don’t think either of us is quite sure what, if anything, might happen next. One thing I’d forgotten is how easy things were/are between us, no tensions or misunderstandings, just laid back gentle kindness and consideration. Something that just wasn’t the case with my most recent Ex, where I was often having to modify my behavior in order to reduce tensions, or at least my fears of what might possibly lead to conflict. It’s easy post breakup to forget, or at least minimize, the bad things about the relationship, and focus only on the good stuff, so it was helpful to re-calibrate my attitude to this.

This may seem trivial, but I decided to wear the shirt that I wore the last time I saw my Ex. It has sat in the wardrobe for nearly 2 months, and I’ve avoided wearing it, and it was becoming ‘that’ shirt in my mind. Wearing it again has broken that association, and I think it’s a positive thing to be able to break the link between things and events/emotions, helps me feel more in control.

A couple of the places we walked though yesterday, I had also been to with my recent Ex. When that happened I tried to take a mental picture of the location and consciously overwrite the old memory. Not in order to forget it, just to soften it, blur the edges a bit, and make the pain of remembering less acute. I don’t know if this is an often used technique, but I found it helpful, and thought I’d share it.

So all in all a positive experience, not just for me, but for both of us, so my fears of this being an act of selfishness, and indulgence were I think unfounded.