Would you be irritated by this date's behavior?

I went on a first date with this woman about a week and a half ago, on a Friday. We went to a bar for drinks, chatted for about 2.5 hours. I thought she was very attractive, had solid conversation, and seemed reasonably compatible.

Due to conflicting schedules, we set up a second date for a week on a half later on a Monday. She wasn't able to meet up over the weekend since she had some friends visiting from out of town. I planned a date of getting some tacos and going to a unique temporary art exhibit in the evening that also has a bar in it.

The second date really got off to a bad start almost immediately. She told me she was really tired because she had stayed out all night until 5 am with her friends from out of town(on a Sunday mind you) and didn't really sleep before going to work. Then, throughout the date, she kept checking her phone and answered 2 phone calls, at least one was from the friends out of town. She apologized for the second call but nothing else. I thought it seemed like pretty crappy dating etiquette/was rude. She told me she rarely saw the friend and was trying to meet up with the friend again after the date. I'm not sure why she agreed to the date in the first place if this was the case.

Honestly, I felt pretty disrespected that the date was of such low priority that she stayed out all night the night before and she was so distracted by her friends in town she didn't seem particularly present during the date. Honestly, it made me disengage as well. The date ended in a disappointing hug but I was surprised she told me to text her. The whole thing seemed like a waste of time and money.

I'm pretty irritated that she displayed such rude behavior on only the second date. I'm conflicted on if I should give her another chance or not. The first date seemed promising, but this was really disappointing. I really want to just be honest and tell her what I thought of the interaction. Would you be irritated by the behavior?Am I overreacting? Thoughts? Is it worth giving her another chance?

I might be irritated in the moment, but rude people exist as a fact of life. You can't let that hang you up. Bad date, rude lady, just write her off. No need for bitterness nor to give her another chance. Plenty of women out there.

Yep I agree with Jman. She wasted your time. Look elsewhere.

As a second date candidate, I wouldn't put you over my friends I haven't seen in a while. You only just met, but I completely get how this is off-putting. Proceed as you like. Either this is a one off thing or this is part of her personality. You'll never know until you get to know her more, but it's not like you have to. Are you going on dates with other women? I would suggest you do so in case this one doesn't work out, while still in the casual period.

As a second date candidate, I wouldn't put you over my friends I haven't seen in a while. You only just met, but I completely get how this is off-putting. Proceed as you like. Either this is a one off thing or this is part of her personality. You'll never know until you get to know her more, but it's not like you have to. Are you going on dates with other women? I would suggest you do so in case this one doesn't work out, while still in the casual period.

This summarizes how I felt. I have really tight friends that are scattered across the country too. However, if I knew they were going to be in town, I wouldn't offer to entertain a date during that time period. That being said, she seemed to have normal dating etiquette on the first date, which makes me want to give another chance. I hate time wasters though.

I am definitely dating other women at the moment, so its not that big of a deal. I just want one of them to stick eventually.

Would it be inappropriate to be really direct and say something along the lines of: "I had fun last night but you seemed really distracted by your friend visiting from out of town. Let's hang out again when you have more time?"

Yep I agree with Jman. She wasted your time. Look elsewhere.

I might be irritated in the moment, but rude people exist as a fact of life. You can't let that hang you up. Bad date, rude lady, just write her off. No need for bitterness nor to give her another chance. Plenty of women out there.

So you guys both agree this was rude and probably doesn't warrant another chance?

I really get annoyed with ladies who waste my resources, which is what I feel like this was.

lol...oh gasp....she stayed out late on a Sunday? Noooo.....quick grab your torches and pitchforks....how dare she, especially with such an important event coming up in her life - meeting up with some dude she has seen once in her life before....

Well all sarcasm aside, sounds like both to me - you are over reacting and she was also somewhat rude. Seems like she tried to fit you in and make it work since scheduling that date was already difficult and probably because if she had cancelled or rescheduled, you'd be upset about that too. A case of damned if you do and damned if you don't. Ultimately, she came across as rude and distracted. That said, if you are going to get all bent out of shape about someone staying out late, especially on a Sunday, that right there is your future lifestyle compatibility conflict in the making. There is no need to get bitter or angry about this - if you didn't like it, move on. Plenty of other women out there.

Sorry this happened. She sounds rude and uninterested. Why waste your time? I wouldn't contact her again. If she contacts you don't bother with a bad date autopsy, just say you're seeing someone, etc.

Would it be inappropriate to be really direct and say something along the lines of: "I had fun last night but you seemed really distracted by your friend visiting from out of town. Let's hang out again when you have more time?"

So you guys both agree this was rude and probably doesn't warrant another chance?

 

I really get annoyed with ladies who waste my resources, which is what I feel like this was.

Like yatsue, someone I've known in person for a collective hour isn't going to get priority over my friends, but that means my time with you is fit in around the time with my friends or pretty much everything else in my life, not that I'll be checking my texts every 30 seconds and answering phone calls during the date.

Like you, I don't enjoy wasting my time and money, and if a woman is rude and the date overall wasn't pleasant, I can be upset over my time being wasted, but I can't be upset if she's shown me who she is or can be and I open myself up to having my time wasted again. It's up to you, really. But I wouldn't be asking her out again, and I certainly wouldn't be doing so while adding a passive aggressive comment.

I don't think it's the worst thing that could have happened, but the lady seems overbooked. She should have just declined or proposed a different day. Then again,a girl's gotta eat?

Look elsewhere.

What would a polite, mature woman have done given her tentative plans with out-of-town friends? She would have told them that she had a date, but when she was done, she would call them. Then, she would have put her phone on silent to devote her attention on you.

She's showing you who she is, so believe her. If you were in a longer relationship with someone and they pulled this, you could let them know how you felt about the bad behavior. In this case, it's only the second date and you're not invested, so I just wouldn't call her again, and if she texted you, I'd let her know it's not working out for you and wish her the best.

Both men and women, when they really like someone and see potential, try to put their best foot forward on a date. When you are not putting your best foot forward, you generally don’t have to be told - you know it.

She knows she wasn’t putting her best foot forward. She apologized for it. (Being tired, etc). It’s not an excuse by any means, but it’s an explanation. Given the circumstances, I don’t think it’s a completely unforgivable explanation.

My advice would be to back off. Don’t initiate any communication (but you can respond if she initiates). Don’t ask her out again. Let her ask. In other words, let her chase you now.

If she is into it and it was genuinely just bad timing, she will chase. If she is not that into it or just oblivious to her rude behavior (which means she would do it again), she won’t chase.

Personally, if she started to chase I would give it another date to see how it goes. But under no circumstances should you be chasing someone who was kinda rude and not putting their best foot forward.

OP may I ask what you find so compelling about her to want to give her "another chance?"

Another chance for what, to behave like a woman who is actually into you, enough so that she's not on her phone all throughout the date?

She was rude. This is her nature when her interest level is LOW.

You are focusing too much on your first date.

That was then, this is now.

Best to focus on the NOW, and let this one go, or keep her as an option, nothing more.

Was she rude? Yes Did she make a bad choice to go on the date instead of cancelling when she stayed out to late? Yes

You could look at this two ways:

1. She is irresponsible and rude. Or

2. She had friends in town, stayed out late but still tried to keep the date with you because she really likes you and sees potential and didn't want to risk cancelling and have you disappear.

I understand the urge to say something and teach her a lesson on politeness or whatever but that really isn't your job and if she is rude and irresponsible it wouldn't do any good anyways.

Far to many people bail way to early instead of being understanding and patient. Everyone is extremely busy and trying to squeeze in way to much into the time they have and this could be the case here. Life happens...

If you are leaning towards another date (not another chance) then go for it. Meet for lunch or drinks after work and see how it goes. If you aren't feeling it then finish your drink and tell her you are sorry but you don't think you match up that well. Thank her for the nice conversation and leave. If it goes like the first date then ask if she wants to get some dinner....

You won't be out much for seeing her again and if she ruins the date then you can check her off your list and never wonder what might have happened.

Lost

Yes, it was rude. But could it be an exception based on her circumstances??

I don't see any harm in going on one more date to see if it's a pattern or not. (keep it short!)

If you choose not to take this any further, that would totally understandable as well.

There's only so much irritation I can suffer from anyone I'm not invested in before it turns to amusement. I'd just chalk this up to a bad match and start setting up quick coffee meets to check out new people before investing in any more full dates. This way you won't waste entire evenings on anyone who you can tell in 5 minutes isn't a good match for you.

Speed meeting has become pretty standard in online dating. Grab coffee on your way home from work and meet different people to screen them over a 20 minute convo. If anyone stands you up, just take your coffee home and nothing is lost. Rules are that neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table and frees you to meet any number of people before investing in a first date.

Most people are not our match. When you can grasp that, you won't latch onto anyone who doesn't suit you, and you won't personalize rejection.

When the train doesn't stop at your station, it's not your train. There's another coming in a few minutes.

Head high.

When I am out with a man, even first date, my phone is turned OFF.

If I had kids, it would be different, but if one doesn't have kids, there is absolutely no reason to keep your phone on let alone texting other people while out on a date!

If your date's circumstances are such that they can't focus on the date, then for goodness sake, reschedule the date!

My dates get my full attention, and I get theirs.

If that had been me, and my date was on his phone texting away on our date, I would have politely excused myself and left.

There is just no excuse for it IMHO!!

Lets get a few points straight here.

A. I don’t care about this particular person at all/have nothing invested

B. It could be circumstantial

C. Its more of a cumulative irritation of poor dating behavior that is the state of modern dating

I really just want to be direct and state my opinion honestly. I would like to say something like: “I felt really confused about the last date. I’m not sure if you were just tired/distracted by your friend visiting or just aren’t that interested. No worries either way”

I don’t see the point in either of us wasting our time. Since this certainly could have been circumstantial(although my gut feeling it was not) , I dont see what’s wrong with being honest/direct.

Can anyone help me find the words just to clarify things or is it just too soon for that? I don’t wish to be accusatory but I do want to let her know I did not appreciate the rude behavior nor would I accept it, which is more of a statement of self-respect than accusation.

You can tell her but it won't change her or rude people at large or your situation. It wastes time festering on it instead of spending valuable time n messaging new women. It shows zero self respect. In fact it sounds bitter and like she's the only woman you had a date lined up with.

I do want to let her know I did not appreciate the rude behavior nor would I accept it.

Lets get a few points straight here.

A. I don’t care about this particular person at all/have nothing invested

B. It could be circumstantial

C. Its more of a cumulative irritation of poor dating behavior that is the state of modern dating

 

I really just want to be direct and state my opinion honestly. I would like to say something like: “I felt really confused about the last date. I’m not sure if you were just tired/distracted by your friend visiting or just aren’t that interested. No worries either way”

 

I don’t see the point in either of us wasting our time. Since this certainly could have been circumstantial(although my gut feeling it was not) , I dont see what’s wrong with being honest/direct.

 

Can anyone help me find the words just to clarify things or is it just too soon for that? I don’t wish to be accusatory but I do want to let her know I did not appreciate the rude behavior nor would I accept it, which is more of a statement of self-respect than accusation.

I'm sorry, but your message comes across as whiny and needy. Really the opposite of what you want to say I think.

It's not on you to teach grown adults how to behave. Your purpose in dating is to observe how the person acts and then decide if you want to see them again or walk away. That is all.

In this case, if you truly feel that she was too rude for your taste, then that's it. You simply drop her and walk away. Nothing to say to her. If you feel like maybe this was a one off, bad day, bad timing and want to see more of her to judge better, then go ahead and arrange another date and see what happens.

Calling out a stranger with these kinds of bitter texts will make you look like the crazy one. Don't do that to yourself.

I think you owe it to yourself to get some real life problems if something like this has you so tripped up.

 

 

I understand the urge to say something and teach her a lesson on politeness or whatever but that really isn't your job and if she is rude and irresponsible it wouldn't do any good anyways.

 

Far to many people bail way to early instead of being understanding and patient. Everyone is extremely busy and trying to squeeze in way to much into the time they have and this could be the case here. Life happens...

 

If you are leaning towards another date (not another chance) then go for it. Meet for lunch or drinks after work and see how it goes. If you aren't feeling it then finish your drink and tell her you are sorry but you don't think you match up that well. Thank her for the nice conversation and leave. If it goes like the first date then ask if she wants to get some dinner....

 

You won't be out much for seeing her again and if she ruins the date then you can check her off your list and never wonder what might have happened.

 

Lost

Thanks. I feel like I run into these women that are always super “busy.” To me, I have a hard time ever knowing if it is genuine or not. Most of the time I feel like people just say that when they are trying to “keep things casual.”

I don’t think it was necessarily irresponsible to stay out late with friends during the week. I do it from time to time. I do have a problem when someone states they are busy but is clearly busy spending lots of time doing leisurely things and can’t focus attention for two hours. If it was someone I knew well, it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. I just feel like I didn’t have her attention, she showed up half assed, so I reciprocated and just stopped making an effort.

I feel like as dates go on they should get longer and better. I do like the idea of planning a date with an easy out or points to bail out on,any suggestions?

I can't be 100% sure of course, but I suspect that while she was texting away on her phone, had you gotten up, politely excused yourself and left, she would have piped up real fast!

Gotten off the phone and come after you. Apologized, and perhaps you may have even gone on to have a halfway decent date. And earned a great deal of respect from her as well. For not tolerating her ****.

This has been said a zillion times, but we teach people how to treat us. NOT through our words but through our actions.

Excusing yourself and leaving would have sent a huge message, much more so than after the fact, and you calling her out verbally in a text!

Which as DF said, will only make you appear like the crazy one.

I can't be 100% sure of course, but I suspect that while she was texting away on her phone, had you gotten up, politely excused yourself and left, she would have piped up real fast!

 

Gotten off the phone and come after you. Apologized, and perhaps you may have even gone on to have a halfway decent date. And earned a great deal of respect from her as well. For not tolerating her ****.

 

This has been said a zillion times, but we teach people how to treat us. NOT through our words but through our actions.

 

Excusing yourself and leaving would have sent a huge message, much more so than after the fact, and you calling her out verbally in a text!

 

Which as DF said, will only make you appear like the crazy one.

Hindsight is always 20/20! I had thought about doing that despite it being at an event that required a paid entry.

It’s not really that big of a deal either way. I doubt I’ll ever see her again. My main goal of this thread was to try and figure out if I was overreacting. I have no trouble getting dates, but I have been wondering about the following:

A. Do I give people too many chances/am not picky enough?

B. Am I too oicky/don’t give things enough time?

How do you know? If someone states they are very busy, how do you know it’s actually true?

Honestly, you sound a bit too jaded and touchy. Maybe take a short break from all that dating? You really have to approach dating with a bit of a sense of humor and your purpose being to simply spend some nice time with people. If it leads to more, great, if not, you met someone interesting and it was a pleasant hour or so.

First dates, keep it to a coffee meet and greet. This way you can both bail easily or sit and chat. Second date, maybe pick a trendy place/area of town where you can meet up first for drinks and if things are going well, you can move on to dinner or bail. Keep it simple so to speak.

Personally, I don't agree with dramatic exits or trying to teach my date anything. They are a grown adult. If they choose to show me their colors - great. Now I can drop them without wasting weeks or months to find out they are a jerk. I literally appreciate that. If they don't know how to act and treat me with decency on their own accord...I mean...game over right there and then. Finish out the date and leave. If you are on the fence about something and want to see more, set up another date same as above - meet for drinks, proceed from there as you wish.

In terms of busy - most people are. Whether they are genuinely busy or lying. Well....you should really start out by giving people the benefit of the doubt, otherwise you are too jaded to be dating. That said, when people are genuinely busy, they tend to fill in the details if you listen - they'll talk about that project that is driving them crazy at work with a looming deadline, they'll tell you that they have to travel to x place for y event, etc. Generally speaking, people who are just full of it will be vague - busy busy busy, but not really talking about what's keeping them busy. Ultimately, busy or not, someone who is interested in meeting you will hash out a time for a date within reason. If they aren't doing that, they aren't that into you.