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I think my best friends wife is abusive.


thornz

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Hi, my best friend of 14 years recently married his partner of 10 years and they have a 9 month old daughter.

 

For a long time I’ve had concerns about her treatment of him but mostly bit my tongue, any concerns I did raise he brushed off.

 

In their entire time together he hasn’t really had anything positive to say about her, only negative things, to the point where I was considering telling him not to mention her if he hasn’t got anything good to say, because I’m finding it difficult to be supportive of his relationship when he paints such an ugly picture of her.

 

I’ve got to say, my personal experiences with her don’t give me a favourable impression either.

 

Recently the complaints have got really bad, to the point I realised if he was a female friend I would advise him to leave because it sounds like abuse.

 

Yesterday he rung me on my lunch break distressed, he had taken a day off work because he is working so many hours to provide for his family that he is worried about his stress levels affecting his mental health.

 

Their agreement before she conceived was that as she earns a lot more (I think about double), he would stay at home and she would work. Then when they found out they were pregnant, she decided she would stay at home, my friend said they could only afford 4 month before they would swap and she would return to work. Baby is now 9 months and she has refused to return to work putting financial strain on them, but constantly belittling him for always being at work.

 

My friend said she calls all the shots and overrules any input he wants in their family decisions and he feels like a sperm donor. His wife and baby got stuck in Poland for weeks after he said she was too young to fly and he didn’t want them to go there until she was older (wife is Polish). Wife overruled and baby got sick and couldn’t return.

 

He said no to holidays because they can’t afford it, she booked one and told him to pay even though she has savings.

 

She is constantly belittling him, snide remarks and manipulating him to do what she wants with no care for his feelings. When he brings up her behaviour she gaslights. She tries to stop him socialising and always wants him at home to do DIY whilst she goes out.

 

She was very rude to his mother the other day because when she babysat she couldn’t get baby to sleep on schedule. When my friend brought it up she responded by saying things have changed since his mother raised children. When he tries to spend time with his daughter she says he hasn’t read all the baby raising books she has so he should do this and that and gets mad if he doesn’t do it exactly how she wants.

 

The worst thing happened yesterday, my friend does a dangerous job, he is a gas fitter. He had an appointment to fix his friends boiler but his wife wanted to go swimming so she made him take the baby with him to work and his friends had to look after baby whilst he fixed their boiler so he could work safely.

 

This is the tip of the iceberg, things have got way worse lately and I think if he was a female friend I would have told him to leave because he is being abused. His mental health is really suffering.

 

I have asked him to meet with me tonight and I’ve asked his other best friend to join us. I have decided enough is enough and I ought to express my concerns about how his wife treats him. I think to not tell him I would be failing him as a friend. He is an absolute doormat and he deserves to be treated with respect. I don’t know what he will do with the info but at least I have done what’s right! Phew!

 

Needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening. How would you approach a situation like this with a good friend?

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To answer your question directly, personally, I would not address this with my friend.

 

I imagine that there is more to the story, but a lot of what you mention does not sound abusive to me. They sound like typical marital disagreements and that you are only hearing one side of the story.

 

Taking a day off after working a lot of hours is both normal and good. And it sounds like his wife would have been on board with that if she’s always complaining that he works too much.

 

That she changed her mind about staying home with the baby is not surprising to me. This sometimes happens. Unless you’ve seen their finances, you don’t really know the full situation. It doesn’t sound like she is asking him to work all those hours. Perhaps she is more comfortable taking on a certain level of debt or dipping into savings and he is not. Obviously they are ok if they are able to take a bunch of trips.

 

I can understand wanting to bring your child back “home” to meet the family. If it was THAT dangerous to fly, the airlines would not let the child board.

 

Being controlling about every little thing about the baby - THAT is not good and potentially abusive, I agree.

 

I don’t see what’s so bad about bringing your child to a friends house to watch the kid while you fix their boiler? If they were strangers, I could see your point. But friends?

 

I’m not sure what you hope to accomplish with this “talk”. What do you want to happen? Do you want him to say he will leave his partner of 10 years who he just had a child with? That’s highly likely not going to happen. Even in truly physically abusive relationships, people won’t leave their partner after an “intervention”. You will just become the enemy.

 

If I were in your shoes, every time he complained about his wife, I would simply cut the conversation short and say “it sounds like you would benefit from marriage councilling”. Repeat that enough and it might sink in.

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I agree that as a friend you are overstepping your boundaries here. You shouldn't be this aggressive in confronting your friend about his wife. If he asks, you should give him your honest opinion, but this intervention is too much.

 

Instead, you all should just hang out. He needs to handle his own affairs, and while you can serve as a guide and provide advice, you shouldn't insert yourself between your friend and his wife.

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Sorry but I have to agree with others here. I don't see abuse. I do see some pretty typical marital conflict - finances, trips, days off, new baby stress and reworking marital dynamics with that, etc. A first time mother being neurotic about the child and trying to do everything by the book so to speak - hardly unusual.

 

I also think that you are completely overstepping your boundaries as a friend and blowing things out of proportion in your own mind. I think that you need to be careful about how much you choose to listen to your friends vent about the bad parts of their relationships and take it with a large grain of salt. People tend to talk about what's bugging them and not mention all the good stuff. So when you listen, all you are hearing is bad bad bad. If it's going to get to you like that, consider limiting your time with that friend, changing topics, or even telling them directly you don't want to hear about their marital problems and maybe he should talk to a therapist. Remember that just because you are friends, doesn't mean they get to use you as free therapy. Obviously this has gotten to you, but that gives you no right to try to interfere and break up his marriage.

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She sounds extremely controlling and black & white, where her decision is the final one. The belittling is horrible.

 

I couldn't take any of it.

 

But your friend isn't me, nor is he you.

 

I'll agree with everyone else here, and say that, as hard as it is for you to watch, it's not your place, or your business. He knew exactly what he was getting into when he impregnated, and married, this shrew of a woman. It's his life to live.

 

My mother, with whom I don't always agree, said something several years ago, in response to a huge family issue that had nothing to do with either of us, and I live by her words in these types of situations. We were having an enormous family blowout (again, my mom & I were not involved), and I asked how she, the most opinionated woman on the planet, could sit and say nothing??? She said, simply: "When my advice isn't asked for, I don't give it". And I realized how true that is, that my mother, for all the opinions she spews, when it's someone else's life, she never gives advice unless she's asked.

 

So, I'll channel my mother to you now: If your friend asks for your advice, give it. Otherwise, stay quiet.

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All you you can do is suggest marital therapy for him. He should be resolving his problems there, not trashing his wife behind her back to friends. Be careful of the whole "my wife doesn't understand me" conversation.

 

These are more “I’m at the end of my tether, am I really such a bad husband/father, what do I do to fix this@ conversations. I’ve recommended marriage counselling multiple times, he always says “we’re not there yet” and I tell him by the time he thinks they are there it will be too late. I don’t think counselling will resolve abuse.

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To answer your question directly, personally, I would not address this with my friend.

 

I imagine that there is more to the story, but a lot of what you mention does not sound abusive to me. They sound like typical marital disagreements and that you are only hearing one side of the story.

 

Taking a day off after working a lot of hours is both normal and good. And it sounds like his wife would have been on board with that if she’s always complaining that he works too much.

 

That she changed her mind about staying home with the baby is not surprising to me. This sometimes happens. Unless you’ve seen their finances, you don’t really know the full situation. It doesn’t sound like she is asking him to work all those hours. Perhaps she is more comfortable taking on a certain level of debt or dipping into savings and he is not. Obviously they are ok if they are able to take a bunch of trips.

 

I can understand wanting to bring your child back “home” to meet the family. If it was THAT dangerous to fly, the airlines would not let the child board.

 

Being controlling about every little thing about the baby - THAT is not good and potentially abusive, I agree.

 

I don’t see what’s so bad about bringing your child to a friends house to watch the kid while you fix their boiler? If they were strangers, I could see your point. But friends?

 

I’m not sure what you hope to accomplish with this “talk”. What do you want to happen? Do you want him to say he will leave his partner of 10 years who he just had a child with? That’s highly likely not going to happen. Even in truly physically abusive relationships, people won’t leave their partner after an “intervention”. You will just become the enemy.

 

If I were in your shoes, every time he complained about his wife, I would simply cut the conversation short and say “it sounds like you would benefit from marriage councilling”. Repeat that enough and it might sink in.

 

Hi, I didn’t really go into what I thought was abuse, I just reeled off the things he has been complaining about my st recently.

 

Unfortunately no she wasn’t happy he took time off work and gave him a load of aggravation about it.

 

He had made plans to go to his friends and do the work. It wasn’t agreed that he would have the baby or that his friends would look after the baby. His wife essentially refused to care for baby when he was getting ready to leave and took off to go swimming. It sounds like she puts absolutely every obstacle in his path to restrict his ability to socialise as so far that’s the only thing she hasn’t managed to gain control over (not for lack of trying).

 

I don’t expect him to leave her at all, but I want to make him aware that how she treats him is not ok and the way he feels about himself is not because it’s true it’s due to her treatment of him.

 

Yes I will do that and hope that he doesn’t feel that he can’t come to us when he realises what is going on.

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I agree that as a friend you are overstepping your boundaries here. You shouldn't be this aggressive in confronting your friend about his wife. If he asks, you should give him your honest opinion, but this intervention is too much.

 

Instead, you all should just hang out. He needs to handle his own affairs, and while you can serve as a guide and provide advice, you shouldn't insert yourself between your friend and his wife.

 

Not being aggressive or confrontational. He does ask. He rang me yesterday to ask and told me he wanted to see me and his other best friend. I’ve made arrangements to see him tonight and suggested me and his other best friend meet up so we are doing so next week. I told his other best friend I am concerned about how his wife is treating him.

 

He rings me regularly upset asking if he is really as bad a husband and father as she makes him believe.

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It wasn’t agreed that he would have the baby or that his friends would look after the baby. His wife essentially refused to care for baby when he was getting ready to leave and took off to go swimming.
Well, at least by his account, she sounds like a ****ty person. Not sure about overtly abusive, though.

 

I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to confide in friends, particularly when one's circumstances are at the very least on the cusp of emotional manipulation or abuse. Your posts don't seem to read like he's trying for anything more than to let off steam. Still, to echo the others, there's only so much you can do, and, more often than not, any extra effort will only mean you emotionally stressing yourself for the benefit of ending up the "bad guy" in the end anyway. If he's not being manipulated or abused, he certainly sounds inert to the extent it wouldn't surprise me it eventually did head down that road. You might suggest both marital and personal counseling. He's gotta be willing to help himself or seek out services to help find such means if he isn't equipped to.

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Sorry but I have to agree with others here. I don't see abuse. I do see some pretty typical marital conflict - finances, trips, days off, new baby stress and reworking marital dynamics with that, etc. A first time mother being neurotic about the child and trying to do everything by the book so to speak - hardly unusual.

 

I also think that you are completely overstepping your boundaries as a friend and blowing things out of proportion in your own mind. I think that you need to be careful about how much you choose to listen to your friends vent about the bad parts of their relationships and take it with a large grain of salt. People tend to talk about what's bugging them and not mention all the good stuff. So when you listen, all you are hearing is bad bad bad. If it's going to get to you like that, consider limiting your time with that friend, changing topics, or even telling them directly you don't want to hear about their marital problems and maybe he should talk to a therapist. Remember that just because you are friends, doesn't mean they get to use you as free therapy. Obviously this has gotten to you, but that gives you no right to try to interfere and break up his marriage.

 

He’s a grown man, I don’t think me expressing my concern that his wife is treating him poorly will break up their marriage and yes it’s getting to me because I despite my concerns I have always defended her and encouraged him to work things out with her in the past, always trying to see the other side and give as impartial advice as possible. And I haven’t really mentioned why I think she is abusive, just what he has complained about to me yesterday.

 

I’m very aware that he will mostly tell me the bad so I have made an effort in the past to specifically ask what he loves about her, what she does right, what her good qualities are and I never really get an answer that is satisfactory.

 

Anyway when we meet I will tell him I don’t like her behaviour towards him but he should see a counsellor because I’m struggling to be supportive of his marriage when he has nothing positive to say.

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She sounds extremely controlling and black & white, where her decision is the final one. The belittling is horrible.

 

I couldn't take any of it.

 

But your friend isn't me, nor is he you.

 

I'll agree with everyone else here, and say that, as hard as it is for you to watch, it's not your place, or your business. He knew exactly what he was getting into when he impregnated, and married, this shrew of a woman. It's his life to live.

 

My mother, with whom I don't always agree, said something several years ago, in response to a huge family issue that had nothing to do with either of us, and I live by her words in these types of situations. We were having an enormous family blowout (again, my mom & I were not involved), and I asked how she, the most opinionated woman on the planet, could sit and say nothing??? She said, simply: "When my advice isn't asked for, I don't give it". And I realized how true that is, that my mother, for all the opinions she spews, when it's someone else's life, she never gives advice unless she's asked.

 

 

 

So, I'll channel my mother to you now: If your friend asks for your advice, give it. Otherwise, stay quiet.

 

Hi, he does regularly ask for advice and yesterday he asked for advice and to see me, that he feels he can’t do anything right and she’s constantly making him feel like nothing he does is good enough and when he challenges her behaviour she turns it around and blames him or brings up old stuff from the past. Honestly I’ve really not even mentioned the reasons why I think she is abusive, just reeled off what he was venting about and asking for advice on.

 

I think that she’s put him down so much he believes that he is a terrible partner and father and all he does it tiptoe around trying to meet her demands and falls short every time.

 

I’ve told his other best friend I’m concerned about our friends wife’s treatment and I know as soon as we meet with him he will regale us with 50 new tales of woe he needs advice on how to deal with. I guess I’ll tell him what I think he should do then. See a counsellor and stop slagging off his wife so much that I don’t want to hear about her and I get angry. I will also tell him that I feel her behaviour is abusive and tell him there is advice online about it. I already gave him the link to this site and told him he will get good advice here.

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Not being aggressive or confrontational. He does ask. He rang me yesterday to ask and told me he wanted to see me and his other best friend. I’ve made arrangements to see him tonight and suggested me and his other best friend meet up so we are doing so next week. I told his other best friend I am concerned about how his wife is treating him.

 

He rings me regularly upset asking if he is really as bad a husband and father as she makes him believe.

 

Maybe it's time for you to quit enabling this behavior. Why should he seek professional help, when he can vent to you all he wants and you are willing to listen and provide validation. You aren't helping him, you are kind of harming him in a way. Consider also, that maybe, just maybe he is simply a whiner. If not her, it will be something else, but at the end of the day - he has been with her for 10 years. That's a really long time to be so "unhappy", unless perhaps he either isn't all that unhappy or being unhappy is very much part of his personality. I've certainly met plenty of people like that - they don't have a spine, so they seek out domineering partners, then they whine about being told what to do, but their whining is just a lot of crying wolf with zero intentions to ever change their life. It's who they are and they choose partners accordingly.

 

Either way, stop enabling him and driving yourself crazy with his bs.

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Well, at least by his account, she sounds like a ****ty person. Not sure about overtly abusive, though.

 

I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to confide in friends, particularly when one's circumstances are at the very least on the cusp of emotional manipulation or abuse. Your posts don't seem to read like he's trying for anything more than to let off steam. Still, to echo the others, there's only so much you can do, and, more often than not, any extra effort will only mean you emotionally stressing yourself for the benefit of ending up the "bad guy" in the end anyway. If he's not being manipulated or abused, he certainly sounds inert to the extent it wouldn't surprise me it eventually did head down that road. You might suggest both marital and personal counseling. He's gotta be willing to help himself or seek out services to help find such means if he isn't equipped to.

 

Hi, I’m not convinced she’s a ty person, I don’t think all abusers are bad, but she certainly treats him poorly. There are many reasons I’ve come to the conclusion she is abusive, none I’ve really gone into detail on here.

 

Yes you are right but he vents very regularly and it is stressing me out a lot now and I don’t think it’s fair. I have suggested both personal and marital counselling many times. He did go to the personal counselling in the end but he has said they don’t need marital counselling “yet”.

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Anyone who dumps their kid off like a package to take to the post office on their spouse's way to work so they can have the benefit of going swimming is a ****ty person in my book. But, again, that's giving his account credit. Hard to tell, particularly with someone more prone to griping. Which makes serving as his rock even more problematic. You could risk validating a one-sided and skewed perception, which is another reason to have a professional hashing matters out.

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He’s a grown man, I don’t think me expressing my concern that his wife is treating him poorly will break up their marriage and yes it’s getting to me because I despite my concerns I have always defended her and encouraged him to work things out with her in the past, always trying to see the other side and give as impartial advice as possible. And I haven’t really mentioned why I think she is abusive, just what he has complained about to me yesterday.

 

I’m very aware that he will mostly tell me the bad so I have made an effort in the past to specifically ask what he loves about her, what she does right, what her good qualities are and I never really get an answer that is satisfactory.

 

Anyway when we meet I will tell him I don’t like her behaviour towards him but he should see a counsellor because I’m struggling to be supportive of his marriage when he has nothing positive to say.

 

.....Read this back to yourself.... You aren't being a friend - you are literally playing therapist to him and constantly meddling in his relationship. It doesn't matter if you are sticking up for the wife or for him or trying to be impartial. You are still overstepping as a friend. It's one thing to listen to a friend once in a blue moon and give advice if asked, it's another to be dong this constantly to the point where it's affecting YOUR mental state and emotional health. Back off, way off.

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You are completely too involved in the state of his marriage . When it’s affecting you it’s time to tell him to stop talking about it , to you.

 

Friend of my husband’s tried to complain about his wife to me and she was my friend. He came to my house to do so when my husband was not home. I shut that down IMMEDIATELY. It is disrespectful to my friend, their relationship and to my husband and I live in a very small gossiping community.

 

It just causes too much trouble.

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There is no "abuse" just an unhappy husband/marriage. They need to work it out for themselves and with a trained professional. Is he paying you $250/hr to listen to this drivel? No? Then yes he "is there" already. It sounds like he's setting the table to cheat by the trashing the "horrible" wife. That in itself is a betrayal. Why else would he do this instead of working on his marriage?

I’ve recommended marriage counselling multiple times, he always says “we’re not there yet” .
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.....Read this back to yourself.... You aren't being a friend - you are literally playing therapist to him and constantly meddling in his relationship. It doesn't matter if you are sticking up for the wife or for him or trying to be impartial. You are still overstepping as a friend. It's one thing to listen to a friend once in a blue moon and give advice if asked, it's another to be dong this constantly to the point where it's affecting YOUR mental state and emotional health. Back off, way off.

 

Yes you’re right, we are both guilty of venting to each other too much, though I have reigned it right in since I sought therapy and decided it wasn’t fair or helpful to randomly barrage my friends with whatever issues were stressing me at the time when I was struggling to deal with them. I should also expect the same for myself as it’s not fair for my friend to expect me to play family counsellor.

 

I’m seeing him tonight so no doubt he will bring it up. I’ll tell him I’m not qualified to resolve his marital issues, so if things are really so bad they can seek a therapist to help them out. If the therapist thinks it’s an abusive relationship then that’s something they can address. I need to look after my own health.

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Maybe it's time for you to quit enabling this behavior. Why should he seek professional help, when he can vent to you all he wants and you are willing to listen and provide validation. You aren't helping him, you are kind of harming him in a way. Consider also, that maybe, just maybe he is simply a whiner. If not her, it will be something else, but at the end of the day - he has been with her for 10 years. That's a really long time to be so "unhappy", unless perhaps he either isn't all that unhappy or being unhappy is very much part of his personality. I've certainly met plenty of people like that - they don't have a spine, so they seek out domineering partners, then they whine about being told what to do, but their whining is just a lot of crying wolf with zero intentions to ever change their life. It's who they are and they choose partners accordingly.

 

Either way, stop enabling him and driving yourself crazy with his bs.

 

Oh he’s definitely a venter but since they married it’s gone from the usual venting to him being extremely distressed and exasperated and expressing that he feels he can’t do a thing right in her eyes. I’ve also seen her behaviour first hand on the few occasions I’ve met her so I’d say they correlate. I’ve seen him change a lot for the worse.

 

Anyway, not my problem. They can deal with their own drama.

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You are completely too involved in the state of his marriage . When it’s affecting you it’s time to tell him to stop talking about it , to you.

 

Friend of my husband’s tried to complain about his wife to me and she was my friend. He came to my house to do so when my husband was not home. I shut that down IMMEDIATELY. It is disrespectful to my friend, their relationship and to my husband and I live in a very small gossiping community.

 

It just causes too much trouble.

 

Sounds like your husbands “friend” was trying to get in your knickers.

 

Yeah his wife has sat and ed to me and his other friends about him. I was like uhmmmm. What do you do in that situation? It was very awkward.

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Anyone who dumps their kid off like a package to take to the post office on their spouse's way to work so they can have the benefit of going swimming is a ****ty person in my book. But, again, that's giving his account credit. Hard to tell, particularly with someone more prone to griping. Which makes serving as his rock even more problematic. You could risk validating a one-sided and skewed perception, which is another reason to have a professional hashing matters out.

 

I’ve seen her behaviour first hand so I doubt he’s exaggerating but very possibly omitting the positives.

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Sounds like your husbands “friend” was trying to get in your knickers.

 

Yeah his wife has sat and ed to me and his other friends about him. I was like uhmmmm. What do you do in that situation? It was very awkward.

 

I just told him that his wife was my friend and it wasn’t really proper for him to complain about her to me . And that he should perhaps come back when my husband was home . He never bothered me again .

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There is no "abuse" just an unhappy husband/marriage. They need to work it out for themselves and with a trained professional. Is he paying you $250/hr to listen to this drivel? No? Then yes he "is there" already. It sounds like he's setting the table to cheat by the trashing the "horrible" wife. That in itself is a betrayal. Why else would he do this instead of working on his marriage?

 

Well we can disagree on that. When someone controls another in a relationship, that is abuse.

 

I can see why you might assume he is setting up to cheat on his wife but that’s not his style. He’d have done so a long time ago if that was the intention. He’s always working on his marriage, he tells me the stuff they and he is trying to improve things, when I give him advice he usually acts on it. He’s put far more effort into the marriage than I think most would. He treats her like a queen so far as I can tell.

 

I think they have been “there” a long time. I’ve beeb telling him for years to see a therapist both together and individually. I will put my foot down and tell him if he wants advice to see a person who is equipped and qualified to do so.

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I just told him that his wife was my friend and it wasn’t really proper for him to complain about her to me . And that he should perhaps come back when my husband was home . He never bothered me again .

 

Glad it worked for you. I never really know what to do in those kind of situations. I’ve improved a lot though. I used to be far worse.

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