Dreaded social media

Hi all. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months now. He's a lovely boyfriend, and is almost always very sensitive and supportive of who I am as a person and my needs in a relationship. There's really just one thing that truly frustrates me that I just can't seem to shake.

As just a little more background, I've experienced significant trauma throughout my life, and it really wasn't until the last 1.5-2 years that I've finally gotten a grip on my emotional issues and deficiencies. With that being said, I am the first to admit I still have insecurities issues that I'm trying to work through, but overall, I am in an excellent place in my life.

My boyfriend is from a small(er) community. He dated his ex for a few years and she essentially abandoned him when he went through a difficult period in his life. As someone who has experienced trauma, I of course immediately disliked her since she walked away from a person she claimed to love when he needed her most. Anyway, he, and more accurately, we, still see her periodically since it is a small area and everyone knows everyone.

What really bothers me is that he still follows her on various social media platforms. I'm not a social media user, and I've never actually had any issues in past relationships from social media since I generally find it to be rather trivial. But, when we're in bed he will scroll through his apps with me, and her posts always show up. I can't comprehend why someone would want to continue to know what their ex is up to, especially an ex who treated you so poorly. I brought up my concerns to him and he said that he doesn't unfollow, unfriend, etc any of his exes, because it seems petty to him.

I get his point, and I tried to get over that, but I just can't bring myself to not care about this. Sometimes I struggle with whether my thoughts are rational or a product of lingering insecurities. I brought it up to him again, because it genuinely bothered me a month later, and he has told me the same response.

Can someone help me with this? Am I just being insecure about this, or is it unreasonable that he doesn't think it's necessary to unfollow exes on social media? Thank you all.

I mean, I still have a few of my exes on social media, and a few of their family members. I may not be actively in contact with them, but I'm grateful for the time they spent in my life. It makes me happy to see that they're doing well in life. That being said, if my husband truly had a problem with it, my marriage and his happiness is more important to me than keeping in touch with people from the past. This is an instance where I'd pick my battles, concede to my husband and delete them off social media.

You're not "wrong" for feeling bothered by this, you're entitled to your feelings. If you feel like this is something you can't get over with time then assert yourself. I, personally, believe this is not something to make an issue over, but I don't have any past issues or insecurities. Just do what's best for you and your happiness. You're the only one who has to live in your shoes, so do what you need to do, for you.

I don’t think it’s an irrational insecurity, some people just see no reason to have any interaction with exes and others see no reason to purposefully avoid interacting with exes.

If he feels it’s petty to unfriend exes then that’s a valid reason that you can either accept as a difference in opinion, or if you decide it’s not a difference you are willing to accept then you can leave him.

I do think it is irrational to “instantly dislike” someone you have never met, based on very limited one sided info. Perhaps if you address this you might feel less frustrated about your bf’s social media choices.

You haven't elaborated much on the nature of their current relationship. Are they communicating, or are they just virtual friends? If they are just virtual friends, I don't see what the problem is. A website isn't a relationship.

I can see your boyfriend's point that it is petty to unfollow/unfriend exes. I feel that way myself. But everyone is entitled to their own preferences. You have to decide what the line is. But be careful not to be unreasonable. If your boyfriend is trustworthy, cut him some slack. If your boyfriend is not trustworthy, why are you with him?

Some people are ok with their significant others communicating with exes, others are not. For me, it really depends on the relationship. If the ex is constantly contacting my boyfriend, I'll have a problem. If the dynamic is obviously completely appropriate and no boundaries are being crossed, I don't have a problem.

You take chances in any relationship, and there is always a chance for betrayal.

I have exes from ages ago on my friends list. There's no emotional attachment, I'm just nosy.

Look, if you feel this makes you uncomfortable then it makes you uncomfortable. We are who we are. For every woman who hates the idea of their significant other watching porn there's another who watches with him.

Dating isn't about proving yourself 'normal' it's about finding a match. If you aren't ok with it then you aren't ok with it. There are plenty of men out there who are not in contact with their exes.

With that being said this raised red flags for me about you

I do think it is irrational to “instantly dislike” someone you have never met, based on very limited one sided info. Perhaps if you address this you might feel less frustrated about your bf’s social media choices.

I know SO many people who do this though so don't feel bad. In relationships, there's his side, there's her side and then there's reality. The fact that as you say, she hurt him at his lowest and he's still happy go lucky with her, makes one wonder how in reality his story is. And that's not to say he's lying it's simply how he perceived the events. As a party who doesn't actually know what happened for you to make her someone to dislike, that's a bit much. To be blunt, if he doesn't have a problem with her why should you?

To be honest, you sound like you may have some issues with control. It is quite typical for people to keep ex-partners on social media, and some people even keep them as friends in real life too! I could understand worrying if they had regular communication, but I'm assuming you'd be making the post about that if it was the case.

You should never tell your partner how to manage other relationships in their life. When it comes to ex-partners, honesty and integrity when talking about any existing relationship is essential, but that's all anyone owes you. Based on the information you've provided, it sounds like you have a competition mindset with exes that can be a real turnoff. Learn to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

I don’t think it’s an irrational insecurity, some people just see no reason to have any interaction with exes and others see no reason to purposefully avoid interacting with exes.

 

If he feels it’s petty to unfriend exes then that’s a valid reason that you can either accept as a difference in opinion, or if you decide it’s not a difference you are willing to accept then you can leave him.

 

I do think it is irrational to “instantly dislike” someone you have never met, based on very limited one sided info. Perhaps if you address this you might feel less frustrated about your bf’s social media choices.

Fair enough. I suppose instant is a bit of an exaggeration. But, she's the only person I've heard him say negative things about, and she has shown up when we were out with his friends and she certainly wasn't pleasant then. She spent the entire time telling me stories about things he and her had done together before he finally removed us from the bar. But yes, spending negative energy on someone who should be irrelevant in my life is irrational, so thank you.

You haven't elaborated much on the nature of their current relationship. Are they communicating, or are they just virtual friends? If they are just virtual friends, I don't see what the problem is. A website isn't a relationship.

 

I can see your boyfriend's point that it is petty to unfollow/unfriend exes. I feel that way myself. But everyone is entitled to their own preferences. You have to decide what the line is. But be careful not to be unreasonable. If your boyfriend is trustworthy, cut him some slack. If your boyfriend is not trustworthy, why are you with him?

 

Some people are ok with their significant others communicating with exes, others are not. For me, it really depends on the relationship. If the ex is constantly contacting my boyfriend, I'll have a problem. If the dynamic is obviously completely appropriate and no boundaries are being crossed, I don't have a problem.

 

You take chances in any relationship, and there is always a chance for betrayal.

They definitely don't speak other than being coordial when out in the same place. But, I suppose it just shocked me how much of someone's life you see when you're friends with them on Snapchat. I'm a millennial, but I don't use any of it, so perhaps some of it is a shock to see just how many moments of someone's life they share.

To be honest, you sound like you may have some issues with control. It is quite typical for people to keep ex-partners on social media, and some people even keep them as friends in real life too! I could understand worrying if they had regular communication, but I'm assuming you'd be making the post about that if it was the case.

You should never tell your partner how to manage other relationships in their life. When it comes to ex-partners, honesty and integrity when talking about any existing relationship is essential, but that's all anyone owes you. Based on the information you've provided, it sounds like you have a competition mindset with exes that can be a real turnoff. Learn to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

I definitely think you're on to something. I had a particularly unhealthy relationship, and I know for myself, I don't want my ex to know a single thing about my life now, so I think I'm imposing my own sense of what's good and bad for me onto him.

But, I would never tell him he has to unfollow her. I've just told him it makes me uncomfortable and why it makes me uncomfortable. This post is making me realize I need to spend more time figuring out why it actually makes me feel uncomfortable.

Thank you.

Fair enough. I suppose instant is a bit of an exaggeration. But, she's the only person I've heard him say negative things about, and she has shown up when we were out with his friends and she certainly wasn't pleasant then. She spent the entire time telling me stories about things he and her had done together before he finally removed us from the bar. But yes, spending negative energy on someone who should be irrelevant in my life is irrational, so thank you.

Ah ok, this goes some way to explain why you dislike her. I think it is inappropriate to talk much about an ex to a new partner unless asked a few basics to establish suitability for dating. Some examples would be to establish they are totally single with no unfinished business (relationship status and living situation, why they broke up and if they are on friendly/amicable/speaking terms).

If you are delving deeper than this then I would advise you to stop so you are not opening yourself to superfluous info that might give you too much to think about. If he is volunteering this negative info then you could politely change the subject. If he persists to keep badmouthing his ex then that is not a good sign imo.

As far as her being unpleasant (I’m assuming she was rubbing your nose in it instead of making friendly conversation that you interpreted wrongly due to your insecurities), you don’t have to tolerate rudeness, or her trying to create drama. You could simply excuse yourself and resume conversation with one of his friends (particularly if you can plant yourself between them and away from her) and inform your bf she is being a nuisance. If he is a good partner he will warn her off or remove you both from the situation, like he eventually did.

From your other responses you seem to be self aware and reflective. This is very positive. Wishing you the best.