Online Complications, unsure if the struggle is worth it.

(Warning my grammar and spelling my be off I have a bit of a difficulty typing on my phone. And I donÂ’t want to go back and reread this when itÂ’s meant to a emotional rant)

Hello. I’m a 20 year old female dating a 18 year old boy from Scotland. We met in various ways but our story began when he messaged me about a crush he had on a girl who was my age and looked exactly like me. This wasn’t a stunt he pulled as I was the first to fall for him. You see, he began to really value me when I helped him through this deep intense crush he had on her. He use to be really sweet and thoughtful and gave me a lot of confidence when I didn’t have any. That entire semester of us being super close friends was, for lack of a less Disney way to put it, Magical. Despite it being all through the messenger app, I felt so confident and secure and valued like I never had before in my entire life, and gave that to me. Slowly he gave up on the girl and started to see me as an option. Eventually the question was asked between us, “what happens when we find a spouse? Where do fit in each other’s life?” And we decided to move on to a relationship because we didn’t want to lose one another. We were, per normal, head over heals for one another sending long messages of love, staying up all night to be lovey dovey. And like normal things died off. But after summer ended and throughout my next semester I rarely doubted his love. I didn’t really ever think that he didn’t love me, I always felt secure and okay with where we were at in our relationship. I understood the honeymoon phase is temporary. But that boy go me through a lot that semester and made me feel loved and valued when I was being bullied by my roommates. However, I pulled two attempts to break up with him becuase of my insecurities saying I needed to quit hurting him with my petty ways. So I tried leaving him during some of my emotional fits 2 times. And this lead to the 4th stage...

becuase of my idiocy over my insecurities and letting them destroy everything in my path like I always let them do... he one time told me he didnÂ’t love me. And I thought for a day heÂ’d move on and forget about it the next day. But the next day happened and I realized it was more serious than I realized. He didnÂ’t want me around, he didnÂ’t love me and at the time the only thing keeping him from leaving me was he didnÂ’t want to hurt me. The amount of pain I suffered throughout the month of December worrying day by day if he was going to leave me. Everyday I was mess that was unable to reason whether I should put up with the torture of feeling unloved or if I should stick with it and heÂ’d get over this mess. He was in a life-crisis mode where he wasnÂ’t sure where to put me in his life when he moved to university and that my two attempts to leave him hurt him to growing distant from me. And he did, and he went to a honeymoon stage while I was in recovery. This honeymoon stage and recovery stage was awkward as I was moving down to Florida to follow my dreams of working at Disney World. I really felt like his honeymoon stage got me to at least believe that he loved me again, that something was there again. But I took awhile to recover and Disney was right there a place that made me so happy when I was down, a place that saved me from depression, with its reminder of never giving up hope. And I chose Disney over him. I chose to go to park and embrace what couldnÂ’t hurt me. Disney parks could never hurt me, right? But My boyfriend makes me feel insecure ever since he nearly left me, becuase I feel as if anything I say or do wrong could just blow us apart. I knew he loved me, but I felt as if he only loved me if I was prefect and I was scared to be imperfect. Of course, this wasnÂ’t the truth, he loved fairly. But I was so insecure of who I was and always hated myself that I couldnÂ’t help but let some of my anxiety tell me to choose the thing that wouldnÂ’t hurt me back. So instead I kept myself at arms reach from him, and pulled myself into the magical life I did and would have working at the Disney Company (I honestly loved it but itÂ’s not so magical

For everyone)

Eventually I grew to feel less of the anxieties I had before and wish to spend time with him again. And it was in this period that we became to act just as friends. No sex, no FaceTiming, no lovey moments, just friends with a huge disconnect between them that we both essentially created with him failing to meet my emotional needs again and again (If I Started to look down on myself he didn’t really try to lift me up, and instead say “I dunno really what to say, I’m sorry”) and me failing to truly let myself love him fully, afraid to get hurt.

We brought these issues up tho and started to

Work at then and they helped. Some

But not everything. And now IÂ’m running Into the problem where I let myself fall in love with him and I donÂ’t feel reciprocated at all. I really love him but I donÂ’t believe anything he says about me. And I believe itÂ’s my own insecurities hurting me telling me what they always do. And then I ask him about not feeling like my love is reciprocated and I get this message saying he often feels forced to hanging with me but sometimes he loves to be with me. There are a lot of times where he feels down in the dumps and doesnÂ’t want to be with me at all and other days heÂ’s crazy for me. I know IÂ’ve been causing a lot of issues due to my insecurities and my self-hate and IÂ’m afraid theyÂ’re causing isssues with us. But I also feel like they werenÂ’t a problem ever when he made me feel valued and appreciated. When he told me things were okay. I know last semester I had two freak out moments but they were significantly less often and the two that happened were a culmination of a large variety of things happening in my personal life. Now my insecurities are off the rocket simply becuase of him. Simply becuase of the fact I feel like a burden to him. And heÂ’s not really helped... he listens but he never gives me that reassurance I keep asking for. But I know IÂ’m giving him a handful especially since IÂ’m more anxious now than ever SINCE I havenÂ’t felt reassured. And itÂ’s become this cycle. I know IÂ’m a problem but he hasnÂ’t helped. And we are long distance so every bit of communication between us is so essential to our relationship. ItÂ’s not just part of the relationship, it has and will be the basis of t for a long time. We were suppose to be meeting for the first time tomorrow but things went ary and it wonÂ’t happen anytime soon. And I feel like that has damaged us a lot. Not having the small physical and visible signs to communicate with. We donÂ’t FaceTime as often now either and IÂ’m always the one asking for it. And we canÂ’t have any serious sexual intimacy becuase we are 4000 miles apart. And I just feel lost if I can continue this relationship where itÂ’s already so hard to be apart in the first place becuase of what it means we are missing. And when he says... heÂ’s unsure about the future (he said as of today and is why IÂ’m IÂ’m writing this) IÂ’m scared to keep this going. I want a relationship where I feel loved, where I can get the kisses and moments of self-assurance to help me in just little ways accept who I am more.

IÂ’m scared he doesnÂ’t want a future like I want one and in that no longer work at our relationship becuase itÂ’s already extra effort being far apart.

IÂ’m scared that IÂ’m being a codependent on him. And that I canÂ’t give him what I did before now heÂ’s over the other girl.

IÂ’m scared my insecurities have turned him away just like they ruin everything else in my life. I donÂ’t have anxiety, just a lot of self-hate.

I just dunno if I should stay in a relationship where we arenÂ’t physically present and I feel emotionally pushed away most days. Despite me loving him so deeply and praising our good days together. I sometimes do feel so loved and cared for... but only on my happy days.

IÂ’m scared... IÂ’m simply scared of what is going on and IÂ’m scared IÂ’m puttin him in a bad light. Please understand there are true and genuine reasons why I still love him deeply and see potentional in us.

This is why online relationships so rarely work out. It's only interesting for a limited time, until offline life tempts you back off the internet and out interacting with people around you. This is what has happened for him. He's lost interest in maintaining this and doesn't know how to tell you.

If I understand correctly, you two have never met and live on different continents. Given how young you both are, likely with limited financial possibility to travel, the chances of this becoming a long-term relationship were low. You say you were meant to meet tomorrow for the first time - where? What happened there?

Unfortunately, if you are looking for a loving and mutually supportive relationship, this guy isn't going to be able to provide that for you. It would be much more satisfying for you to date a local guy, who can easily spend time with you in person and share the emotional and physical intimacy you would love to have.

Look, online romances aren't real. I'm sorry, but they're 95% fantasy, and maybe that's the attraction. They attract people (like you) who are afraid to make contact with real people. But you miss out on so much. You can't touch, you can't stare into each other's eyes, you just can't BE with that other person. And I think, above it all, you don't really love this guy. You have an emotional dependency to love somebody, anybody, and you've transferred this need to this boy you accidentally found online. But every hour you've spent online with him is an hour you've lost from interacting in the real world.

You're at Disney. There are lots of people there you can make friends with. I urge you to find some friends, hang out with them, and maybe ask a guy out on a date. All this stuff you wrote about will go away.