Still Dealing with the Pain

Hi So i posted several times on here before. I am feeling particularly down today so I am posting today .

So I am 5 months post breakup and next month it will be 6 . So just wanted to kinda do a update and also see how everybody else is doing?

I am not as bad as the early months where I couldn't go to work ,or hang out with friends or go to the gym. I guess that is something to be proud of . Also there have been days I don't cry at all.

But the bad part is there are days I cry, not at work but after work . I am still in counseling and I am still not happy like I used to be or anywhere near it . I still miss him and think about him . I feel empty and lonely feeling .

Also i defintley don't want to date anyone .Guys have asked but I have no interest and I am ok with that . But sometimes it makes me feel bad when the ladies at office ask why aren't u dating yet ?

So please share how you did at 5 months ? Or where ever u are in the healing process .

Because sometimes I feel I should be further along .

hi hope

I'm a month or so behind you and about in the same boat. can still feel down about it and she'd a tear.... better than i was.... i would date if i liked somebody.

tell the co workers you will when you meet someone youre interested in.

such a rude question really. right up there with why are you single? [emoji21]

@Lambert

I find it a kinda rude question too , the only thing is these women mean well I guess . One thinks of me more like a daughter.

I had guys asked me out and they were attractive but I simply feel no interest. I am not in a condition to date them either. I guess I am not still over my ex.

Are your over your ex ? Has it been 4 months for you?

@Lambert

 

I find it a kinda rude question too , the only thing is these women mean well I guess . One thinks of me more like a daughter.

 

I had guys asked me out and they were attractive but I simply feel no interest. I am not in a condition to date them either. I guess I am not still over my ex.

 

Are your over your ex ? Has it been 4 months for you?

i know exactly who those well meaning ladies are. i have a gaggle of my own. haha. people don't realize how hurtful the things they ask are and i try to remember that, too.

yes it's around 4 months maybe 3.5... lol

I am not over my ex. we have been nc since the break up. it's astonishing to me at times.... he dumped me bc he isn't/wasn't healed from his divorce. when you don't take the time to heal your heart and emotions, we all know what happens, they rear their ugly heads at the worst time.

I try to accept that while I thought we had something, we didn't. (ouch! it totally hurts but I'm respecting his wishes and being super strong from my perspective. Something to be said for that! )

I've been on 5 dates... no 2nd dates yet. like u, I'm just not interested.

talk about irony! he dumped me bc he's skittish of being cheated on again..... meanwhile....I can't even like someone else.

i think when we like someone new, we'll know it. it'll happen. the best thing.... the very best thing we can do is...

feel how we feel and just live for today. sounds so simple but the lonliness is hard.

I'm 7 months out, and I'd say it was the past month and change where the pain finally took a softer turn. It's there, but it's offset by a lot of acceptance that what's happening is exactly what's supposed to be happening. The lonely feeling is there, but it's kind of like a friend now, a guide. I don't really fight it so much as I listen to it, even if that means (as it yesterday at a wedding) excusing myself for a minute to cry.

The dating thing: I had zero interest for months. At first I found that almost stressful. Like, what's wrong with me? I'm a 30something man who has no interest in sex?! But it just wasn't where my head and heart were—I'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons, so I accepted that I'd date when I was ready. Well, that JUST happened last week, and it was so terrific knowing I wasn't trying to force anything or date just to get some kind of "moving on" sticker.

So, you're not alone. Ignore those well-meaning "friends"—anyone who puts pressure on someone to date is doing so for their own ego. Be true to you.

@lambert Thank you idk it helped to hear your story and your gaggle of well meaning women.

I am sorry for what your going thru as well. Your ex not being healed fully before he dated and now he hurt u because of that is exactly what I don't want to do someone else either. Besides that fact I no interest in anyone else . I guess you have no interest either .

Thanks for the advice I am trying to take it one day at a time . Sometimes memories or seeing something can trigger sadness or tears . I like Megan Markle and look up to her but I kinda was sad when I seen some of their wedding and just couldn't watch it all.

Yes the lonilness is hard , it is funny I could be with friends and still have that lonely feeling . I guess it has to with losing our ex and less to do with being alone .

Thanks for the talk, it helps talking to ppl who understand and hang in there as well . *hugs*

@bluecastle

Thank u for your reply

Yeah I am glad you took your time to heal before u dated .

Also good to hear u had a great date last week. It really does help hearing where your at 7 months . Not that I am comparing it may take me longer to heal who knows . I was with him 3 1/2 years and in that time we went thru alot . So i guess it will take time for me to detach .But either way it is good hear you have those moments and your getting thru , it definitely gives me hope .

And thanks I will try to ignore these well meaning women .

@lambert Thank you idk it helped to hear your story and your gaggle of well meaning women.

 

 

I am sorry for what your going thru as well. Your ex not being healed fully before he dated and now he hurt u because of that is exactly what I don't want to do someone else either. Besides that fact I no interest in anyone else . I guess you have no interest either .

 

 

Thanks for the advice I am trying to take it one day at a time . Sometimes memories or seeing something can trigger sadness or tears . I like Megan Markle and look up to her but I kinda was sad when I seen some of their wedding and just couldn't watch it all.

 

Yes the lonilness is hard , it is funny I could be with friends and still have that lonely feeling . I guess it has to with losing our ex and less to do with being alone .

 

Thanks for the talk, it helps talking to ppl who understand and hang in there as well . *hugs*

I still have this weird feeling.... not hope but just a feeling.... that my path will cross my ex again....

its funny though because i know its not now or anytime soon.

I know once i move on, I'll be happy with myself and how i handled this. and the path crossing won't matter bc I will be moved on. So I must protect my own sanity until i do....

you are doing the right thing.... which is usually the hard thing.... not subjecting someone else to your pain. Be proud of that.

the right person will feel right. i didn't feel right to my ex. and he did the right thing. I have no regrets as i never did one thing to harm him. ever! And I did not lower my own standards blinded by infatuation.

and nothing will change that. if he ever heals, he will be able to look back and see that. and frankly, he is a good person, albeit stupid, haha, still a good person, that knows I am also a good person.

I have found that sometimes, that's all a good person has.... the peace in knowing they did their best and caused no harm.

@ Lambert

Hmmm what you said about u feel u will run into him again just caught my attention . Because I do believe in intuition or that.

Do u believe when people say what is meant will be ?

Or if your meant to be with someone God will bring u back together etc ? That is depending on if u believe in God or not ?

@ Lambert

 

Hmmm what you said about u feel u will run into again just caught my attention . Because I do believe in intuition or that.

 

 

Do u believe when people say what is meant will be ?

 

Or if your meant to be with someone God will bring u back together etc ? That is depending on if u believe in God or not ?

I have a lot of faith that things do have a way working themselves out.

maybe we all think we are meant to be with someone while we are still under their spell.

no one ever says - meant to be to the negative aspect. so that kinda makes it hard to fully commit to it, when we really don't know....

just cause something hasn't happened doesn't mean it won't....

or if you knew you were settling bc the next guy is that much better, would you choose that?

interesting question.... i guess I'm not sure.

@Lambert

It is funny u said when we are under their spell . I do feel like I am under his spell still.

To be honest I want to be happy again . Just don't know how to make that happen . I do the standard what everyone else tells me , spend time with friends/family. Go to gym focus on work etc .

But I used love getting out of bed even before dating him to look forward to the day . But now I don't , just want stay under the covers .

Sometimes I read blogs on how it takes some ppl years to get over someone and it scares me I guess .

Thanks for sharing your stories. It's nice to see the progress that people are making. It gives me a little hope. I am only 2 weeks in the breakup and struggling big time. It's so difficult to get out of bed and eat. I don't go to the gym anymore and don't get me started on work. Waking up this morning was particularly bad because I had some vivid dreams about her. Then just about an hour ago she texts me because she thinks I had her passport and wanted me to check. It took everything I had in me to not pour my heart out. I hate it so much. I just want to pick up the phone and tell her everything. But I know that will just hurt me more. So, now I just sit here in tears scouring this forum watching the minutes turn into hours and try to make it through another day.

@CubbyBear

I was exactly where u were at the first couple months , I couldn't eat, I didn't go to work for weeks . I didn't want to go out with my friends . I didn't want to go any social gathering . I was really into going gym and stopped That . That does get better. I am doing all those things again.

But I can't say I am all better , there are days I break down and find no comfort but sleep or reading on this forum and today is one of those days .

But hang in there I found ppl on here are really helpful.

@CubbyBear

 

I was exactly where u were at the first couple months , I couldn't eat, I didn't go to work for weeks . I didn't want to go out with my friends . I didn't want to go any social gathering . I was really into going gym and stopped That . That does get better. I am doing all those things again.

 

But I can't say I am all better , there are days I break down and find no comfort but sleep or reading on this forum and today is one of those days .

 

 

But hang in there I found ppl on here are really helpful.

Thank you. I'm really trying. I see her everywhere I go. And her texts to me now are so cold/indifferent. The only thing I look forward to is sleep. And due to last night and the vivid dreams/nightmares I had about her. I'm terrified of that now. I just want an escape. I just want not to cry and hurt all over for just an hour.

@Lambert

 

 

It is funny u said when we are under their spell . I do feel like I am under his spell still.

 

To be honest I want to be happy again . Just don't know how to make that happen . I do the standard what everyone else tells me , spend time with friends/family. Go to gym focus on work etc .

 

But I used love getting out of bed even before dating him to look forward to the day . But now I don't , just want stay under the covers .

 

Sometimes I read blogs on how it takes some ppl years to get over someone and it scares me I guess .

i just want to stay under the covers, too. but! i try to force myself as much as I can..... then some days, i let myself lie there..... even taken some mental health days.

there are times I'm just overcome with sadness and lonliness....

like you, i try to focus on myself but I'm a boring home body person to begin with! lol most my friends are married. the social scene is not what it used to be for me. so there's that, too.

i think and this goes for you too, cubbybear, we just have to keep riding it out....

i can't say wether we're meant to be with our exes or not, but! i can say we are meant for better days. push yourself, but know its ok to be single. it's not a crime.

we were happy before. we will be again. it just takes a little time, love and tenderness (ah! the Michael Bolton reference! lol)

but seriously, be nice to you! you're all you've got right now and its enough to get through this and anything else.

I've experienced maybe 4 big break ups, some other minor one but i think each time, I came out of it better. for whatever reason we are destined to continue the mistake until we learn the lesson.....

i must have a lot to learn :)

in some ways I've been looking at maybe this was to actually help my ex. I've stated i did nothing in this.... i don't have a lesson... but prior to meeting me, my ex wasn't feeling anything.

i cracked his shell and now maybe he will heal... kinda sucks for me... but.....

edited to say maybe I'm delusional. lol

@Lambert

4 breakups and and your still were able to go on . See you really are a strong person. Do u feel one of them was ur true love ? Or do u feel ur yet to meet them?

For me this my second breakup. My ex before him cheated was easier to get over . Than after I got over all that I was just happy being single and dating till I met my current ex and he just kept pursuing me and wouldn't give up and I ended up with him and now heartbreak.

I can't really say anything bad about him other than he shuts down when it comes to major problems . Because I know he broke up with his first love because she had some kinda fight with his mom and he couldn't forgive her for that and they were together for 5 years and engaged to be married. I should of ran when I heard that. But that was 3 years before I met him and he treated me really well.

It is this incident that everything went wrong I didn't trust him when I thought he was cheating with this girl that was just a friend . I know i was wrong for that and for staying away from him but I had process all that and I apologized for it so many times and he just shut me out after that. To me if u love some one u try to work out . I guess when he has enough he runs . Idk how he moved on so quickly like he wanted magically erase everything. But I am at fault too for not believing him so I blame myself for that because I was cheated on once .

For me I was more of a social person but now nope I don't want to fake smile thru all that. I hang out with real close friends and family. Just can't deal with too much social right now .

Also I think it is harder for me as a girl at "That of the month" when all our emotions are already crazy lol so it gets even worse with crying . Don't know if that happens to u.

i just want to stay under the covers, too. but! i try to force myself as much as I can..... then some days, i let myself lie there..... even taken some mental health days.

 

there are times I'm just overcome with sadness and lonliness....

 

like you, i try to focus on myself but I'm a boring home body person to begin with! lol most my friends are married. the social scene is not what it used to be for me. so there's that, too.

 

i think and this goes for you too, cubbybear, we just have to keep riding it out....

 

i can't say wether we're meant to be with our exes or not, but! i can say we are meant for better days. push yourself, but know its ok to be single. it's not a crime.

 

we were happy before. we will be again. it just takes a little time, love and tenderness (ah! the Michael Bolton reference! lol)

 

but seriously, be nice to you! you're all you've got right now and its enough to get through this and anything else.

 

I've experienced maybe 4 big break ups, some other minor one but i think each time, I came out of it better. for whatever reason we are destined to continue the mistake until we learn the lesson.....

 

i must have a lot to learn :)

 

in some ways I've been looking at maybe this was to actually help my ex. I've stated i did nothing in this.... i don't have a lesson... but prior to meeting me, my ex wasn't feeling anything.

 

i cracked his shell and now maybe he will heal... kinda sucks for me... but.....

 

edited to say maybe I'm delusional. lol

Thanks, Lambert. Sounds like we're going through similar situations. The wave of emotions is what kills me. I wish this was linear. Yesterday I was out with friends and fine most of the day. Today, I have been non stop crying and can barely leave the apartment. The only time I did was for grocery shopping and she texts me about something she misplaced and thought I had it. I played it cool and said I would look for it, no biggie. But in reality, I couldn't even finish grocery shopping. I had to get back to my apartment and just started crying again. There is no escape from her ghost. I hate it so much.

As a random side note...I was on this site about 5 or so years ago going through another bad breakup. You're the only person I remember that's still around from those days! I hope you're doing OK. Thanks for the kind words and advice!

@Lambert

 

 

4 breakups and and your still were able to go on . See you really are a strong person. Do u feel one of them was ur true love ? Or do u feel ur yet to meet them?

 

For me this my second breakup. My ex before him cheated was easier to get over . Than after I got over all that I was just happy being single and dating till I met my current ex and he just kept pursuing me and wouldn't give up and I ended up with him and now heartbreak.

 

 

I can't really say anything bad about him other than he shuts down when it comes to major problems . Because I know he broke up with his first love because she had some kinda fight with his mom and he couldn't forgive her for that and they were together for 5 years and engaged to be married. I should of ran when I heard that. But that was 3 years before I met him and he treated me really well.

 

 

It is this incident that everything went wrong I didn't trust him when I thought he was cheating with this girl that was just a friend . I know i was wrong for that and for staying away from him but I had process all that and I apologized for it so many times and he just shut me out after that. To me if u love some one u try to work out . I guess when he has enough he runs . Idk how he moved on so quickly like he wanted magically erase everything. But I am at fault too for not believing him so I blame myself for that because I was cheated on once .

 

For me I was more of a social person but now nope I don't want to fake smile thru all that. I hang out with real close friends and family. Just can't deal with too much social right now .

 

 

Also I think it is harder for me as a girl at "That of the month" when all our emotions are already crazy lol so it gets even worse with crying . Don't know if that happens to u.

at the time i thought all of my exes were the one. i will not date someone just to date.

now, i dont think any of them are.

except, as youd expect....my most recent ex...

i did and do think we fit together well. we used to say those kind of things to each other. that we felt lucky we met, we agreed on a lot....

just because of the way it ended and our no contact since, i can't down play it. we had a nice thing....i am thankful for fun times. someone like him or even better would be fun to meet!

imagine that! a bright future!

Thanks, Lambert. Sounds like we're going through similar situations. The wave of emotions is what kills me. I wish this was linear. Yesterday I was out with friends and fine most of the day. Today, I have been non stop crying and can barely leave the apartment. The only time I did was for grocery shopping and she texts me about something she misplaced and thought I had it. I played it cool and said I would look for it, no biggie. But in reality, I couldn't even finish grocery shopping. I had to get back to my apartment and just started crying again. There is no escape from her ghost. I hate it so much.

 

As a random side note...I was on this site about 5 or so years ago going through another bad breakup. You're the only person I remember that's still around from those days! I hope you're doing OK. Thanks for the kind words and advice!

omg cubby!

we are! i drop on and off this site. but i do like to chat. many members here have helped me. i hope i help someone!

its a process. and there's no easy way thru it.

you really need to go no contact and ask her to, too. for at least a couple months.

omg cubby!

 

we are! i drop on and off this site. but i do like to chat. many members here have helped me. i hope i help someone!

 

its a process. and there's no easy way thru it.

 

you really need to go no contact and ask her to, too. for at least a couple months.

You were helpful back then and you're helpful now. You have a great attitude and always appreciate the advice. Hope you're hanging in there and glad to know you're still alive and well. Cheers!

@Lambert

I feel the same about my ex , he and I clicked in alot ways . Like music vise , travel wise , things we like to do and etc . I pretty much like everything about him .

Your so positive to think about the bright future .

I am not there yet I am just trying to make it thru today . I am going force my self to the gym soon . Today is one of those days I don't want to go. Hopefully that will make me feel better .

Yeah I am not one of those girls who date just to date either . Though before him I was enjoying being single .

@Lambert

 

I feel the same about my ex , he and I clicked in alot ways . Like music vise , travel wise , things we like to do and etc . I pretty much like everything about him .

 

Your so positive to think about the bright future .

 

I am not there yet I am just trying to make it thru today . I am going force my self to the gym soon . Today is one of those days I don't want to go. Hopefully that will make me feel better .

 

 

Yeah I am not one of those girls who date just to date either . Though before him I was enjoying being single .

Hang in there, Hopeful. I'm right there with you. Spent the last 3 hours crying. Now I'm forcing myself to walk to the gym (for the first time since the breakup) and just do something for 30 minutes. Take it hour by hour, right?

@Cubbybear

Thanks , I used to love the gym, if is funny now I have to force myself to go sometimes. But apparently my theraphist said it boosts neurotransmitter when we work out and it helps mood.

Guess 2 reasons to go .

You too hang in there u got this. Congrats on your first day back to gym also

You were helpful back then and you're helpful now. You have a great attitude and always appreciate the advice. Hope you're hanging in there and glad to know you're still alive and well. Cheers!

one thing you have to remember your life is about you. no one else, look to brighter days. endure hard days and know that you have a future.

its ok to be hurt, nap, indulge yourself, etc.... this too shall pass.

@Lambert

 

I feel the same about my ex , he and I clicked in alot ways . Like music vise , travel wise , things we like to do and etc . I pretty much like everything about him .

 

Your so positive to think about the bright future .

 

I am not there yet I am just trying to make it thru today . I am going force my self to the gym soon . Today is one of those days I don't want to go. Hopefully that will make me feel better .

 

 

Yeah I am not one of those girls who date just to date either . Though before him I was enjoying being single .

i guess all of us here feel that way about our exes or we wouldn't be here.

it hurts..... and i cried a little today, too. i wish i could zap my brain in that little spot that remembers him. lol

it will be a blessing when this is over. i know that much!