43 and in career crisis (for those who are a career success) please read

Hi folks.

Okay, so I'm 43 years old and I'm facing an existential crisis, career wise. I mean I've been in denial for so long but only now has it hit me like a freight train. I want to have my own place and get married so bad but I feel I simply can't afford it. I'm so embarrassed for what I've become. It crushes me. I have no education and my resume is absolutely abysmal. The reasons why I haven't set myself up properly by this time in my life is for several reasons, one is that I grew up with a father who was extremely unsupportive, abusive mentally and physically and so growing up I had very low self-esteem. Two, I was pursuing an acting career for many, many years that led me absolutely nowhere because I was in such denial about my insecurities. By the time I finally gave in to the fact I was wasting my time, I was already in my mid to late 30s.

Needless to say I wasted so many precious years chasing a phantom dream and because of which I never had a plan b. I went from one dead end job to another for many, many years and by the time I quit acting I was much older, no longer that young buck. By this time I went back to working more dead end jobs and finally just stopped because I was so frustrated with them. But now I've reduced myself to driving Uber and I absolutely detest it. It's got me so depressed and ashamed that I find myself simply baffled at how my life ended like this. Like I'm not kidding. I cry so much now, it's shameful and sad. Sure, things could be much worse, I totally get it but it doesn't make my situation any better because I'm still completely frustrated and depressed.

I'm actually a very smart guy but I just don't believe in myself enough to stick to a game-plan. But, I am in terrific physical shape. I work out really hard. I eat very well and I don't look my age to anyone's surprise, especially with all this stress I should look 70. I have very good credit but I'm about 6 to 7k in debt. I do get women flirting and hitting on me from time to time, considering I barely go out, but I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my lack of career and success, financially, that I feel they smell my insecurity and let me be. Or, I just don't even bother pursuing them because I totally understand how important it is for a single woman in my age range to be with a man who is financially secure. I don't blame them one bit to be honest. And believe me, I've tried getting together with a woman but just as soon as they figure out my pathetic job situation they lose ALL interest. And again, I don't blame them one bit.

I have almost no social life because I'm too afraid to spend the little money I do make. I make between 3 to 4k a month, gross. Thank God for family who is helping me now. But my goal is to make 10 to 12k a month. I feel this is at least the range that I can finally afford to comfortably have my own place and not be so insecure having a woman in my life. I live in Los Angeles btw so things here are kind expensive. This is ALL I want in life now; make 10-12k a month, girlfriend/wife and have my own place (apartment, condo, don't matter). That's it. Of course I feel once I achieve this I'll probably keep excelling but at this point in my life I'm petrified that I don't even have the means to achieve this because, again, my lack in education/resume/experience/career/belief.

Every time in the past I decided to make positive change I always revert back to my old habits within literally days because my thought process keeps telling me "What's the point? I have no education, no resume, no skills to speak of. Who the hell will hire me? How can I possibly take myself serious? I'm 43 for Christ sakes!" I mean is this the most ridiculous thing you've heard!? Ya, this is my demented thought process even thought I know it isn't true but yet I act on it like it is. It's like my subconscious is literally hardwired to fail me and this was all my fault because I have trained my brain to think this over the many, many years of failure after failure. THIS is what's terrifying me. THIS is my dilemma. I'm afraid to move, to act, to take risks, to challenge myself. I just quit. I completely quit.

Anyways, I could keep going on and on and by now I'm sure you guys are sick of it and I'm terribly sorry. I'm just really, really scared. All my passion and zest for life has been completely sucked dry. I'm a creative person at heart but that's all gone too. I just need someone who is reading this, who maybe was once in my shoes who eventually made true, positive change in their life, to kinda talk some sense into me and help me to understand what the hell is going on with me!? What helped you? What made you change and STICK to change? I've read most books on self-help but those too I just don't take serious, like they weren't written for me. My brain will literally make every excuse to not change. See!?

How can I find that fire again? That spark? I know it's within me but I just can't find it. It's like my true soul has vacated my physical body and all that is left is this, this...zombie.

I even lost faith in God because I have prayed and prayed and prayed countless time to God to help empower me. Help me to re-ignite that fire and a new start. I don't even know what that would be but God is God and God knows and I entrust God to show me. But nothing.

Anyways, thanks for reading this low-energy post if you stuck around this long. If you feel you have something to share with me that might help me please express yourself. I need guidance really bad. I gotta get out of this rut. It's killing me. I can't go on like this anymore.

Truthfully I totally realize your willingness to help me is beyond the scope of my deeply seeded problems but your words of encouragement or advice is something I still look forward to reading.

Thank you so much for reading this.

Have you tried being a salesman?

Have you tried a vocational school? Tradesman can make very good money. If you choose a field like carpentry, there are opportunities for creativity.

Don’t worry. I’m sure you are not the only person in LA who pursued a dream in acting and didn’t make it.

And you can absolutely date as a driver. You make that much? That’s surprising to me! It’s fine. Not all girls care about money just as not all guys only care about looks. People who fall outside the stereotypical “ideal” get married all the time. You don’t need to stop dating.

The difference between a dream and a goal is having a concrete, achievable plan.

My advice would be to do some research. Take a look at the jobs in demand in LA, look up their average salaries and qualifications needed to get there. Pick one that you are interested in, is in demand and does not require more than about a year or so of education. Often that’s in construction. Could be in health care. Perhaps there are others in your area.

I don’t think it’s helpful to beat yourself up about where you are in life. You are there. Not happy? Change it. But this extra step of beating yourself up is not helpful and counter-productive. Just get to work doing something that you know you can achieve and doesn’t require a whole lot of time or luck to achieve it.

That would be my advice.

have you considered leaving LA?

Its so expensive...

Along with all the other great suggestions (sales, trade school, leaving expensive L.A.), have you been in counseling to deal with your insecurities as they relate to having a father you could never please? Or read any of the great books out there on the subject? Dr. Laura Schlessinger (love her or hate her) has a great book called "Bad Childhood, Good Life". If you don't get to the heart of why you keep allowing yourself to stay stuck, then you'll be 63, not 43, asking the same questions.

And BTW, you should be patting yourself on the back that you at least are working hard and earning an income. Many an Uber driver also goes to school, or has another job, and drives Uber to help make ends meet. So you could continue your Uber driving.

But the most pressing question is, do you really need to stay in L.A.? There are so many great cities out there with such lower costs of living.

I "started over" when I was 48.

I had been a stay at home wife and mother, working piddly part time office jobs because number one, my husband didn't really want me to work and yet number two, my mom warned me about being out of the work force for too long (happened to her, didn't work for 15 years, then when Dad left she had to start over with nothing to put on her resume) so I wanted to at least have part time jobs to list. But when I divorced I HAD to go to work full time. I still worked somewhat piddly jobs because I got child support, plus I'm actually pretty good at making a dollar stretch pretty far.

Anyway, once the kids were adults and I no longer received child support it was all on me. So I started applying like crazy, to any and all jobs that I thought I could do. I probably sent out 15 resumes a day and filled out online applications until my fingers (and brain) hurt. The company that took the bait I threw out ended up being my lucky break. It's a worldwide company that is very successful and is expanding every day. I started out at the bottom, doing a menial task, but I worked hard, got myself noticed by leadership, and have in the past 3 plus years been promoted twice. I am now making a decent living, not wealthy by any means but I can afford a lifestyle. And before I couldn't.

Yes, it's the boring old persistence and determination that gets you where you want to be. There are no shortcuts unless you're Sheldon Adelson or Warren Buffett's nephew lol.

One thing I do want to mention, though, is to ask you to please get that "10k per month" figure out of your head. If you have that as a goal you're setting yourself up for disappointment because you won't even want to consider anything that doesn't guarantee that kind of income. I mean, there really aren't that many people who make six figures, so if you insist that amount is the only way you'll be happy...you probably won't be happy.

PS: I used to live in LA and when I divorced, the first year on my own I made 15k. For the entire year. And the kids and I ate every day and were not living in my car. Food for thought.

What career do you want?

I really want to see a therapist, but I can't afford them. I have a mental block that I can't seem to get rid of nor understand. I really believe something happened to me when I was very young that I can't remember which traumatized me. I have 2 older brothers and sister and they are all fine. We all grew up in the same household so my dad's negative personality should have influenced them too in a bad way but it didn't. I seemed to have taken it more personal for some reason and I can't let go even after I have forgiven my father. Ever since I was a kid I was really sensitive to attention and just felt unloved. I don't understand why I was so dam sensitive. It actually erks me because I'm an adult but the child in me is still hurt. I dunno. I really dunno what is going on with me.

I have almost no social life because I'm too afraid to spend the little money I do make. I make between 3 to 4k a month, gross.

You are making a good salary. Making 40-50K a year in almost any part of the country aside from LA or NYC or maybe Seattle will get you a condo or a small house that you own in a safe neighborhood -- maybe nothing fancy, but its yours if you have the down payment, a reliable (if not fancy) car even if you bought it used and food on the table.

It is time to stop blaming your childhood and making choices. Make the choice and put one foot in front of the other -- to either take a certification class or something or other to increase your income whether thats an associate's degree or whether that involves an apprenticeship.

I even lost faith in God because I have prayed and prayed and prayed countless time to God to help empower me. Help me to re-ignite that fire and a new start. I don't even know what that would be but God is God and God knows and I entrust God to show me. But nothing.

if you are someone unwilling to take action, no amount of things being revealed to you will ever help. What you need to do is take a step. The problem is you won't take a step because you only want to do what brings you everything you want. That first step might be tucking your shirt in and combing your hair if you look like a mess going to work. It could be figuring out promotion you cannot get because you have little education and finding out what you need to get that job educationwise. There is no magic pill. You also have HIGHLY UNREALISTIC GOALS considering your mindset::

This is ALL I want in life now; make 10-12k a month, girlfriend/wife and have my own place (apartment, condo, don't matter). That's it.

WHAT?? a six figure income with absolutely no fresh ideas or motivation? You sound like a boy in junior high school.

"i want to make 10K a month." doing what exactly? You can become a welder or another skilled trade that is high in demand, start at 40K, work yourself up to 75, open your own shop with people under you and make six figures. But you will probably say you don't want to do that. You can go into real estate sales or selling other high end items but you will have to HUSTLE and it sounds like you don't want to do that -- you will also pay out a lot of money in training and advertising etc. You will need the connections to list million dollar homes.

There is no free money and no easy way. I really strongly advocate moving out of LA and to a place with more reasonable living costs - i know of people who have good jobs and can NEVER afford to own a home or condo in LA.

A woman will be more willing to marry a man who makes a little less money but is in a field that fulfills him and has a variety of interests over a guy whose motivation is to make six figures and is not happy unless he is. Because i knew someone like that--- the field they were working in changed to where they were making 24K less to stay in their job and instead of being happy to have their health and a job, downsizing the home, etc, they lived high on the hog, got depressed, went bankrupt while other people sold their fancy cars, downsized their life, etc, or got training to go into another field.

I highly suggest therapy if you are pinning your success or lack thereof on your parents. You are a grownup now and have to decide what the course of your life will take.

I "started over" when I was 48.

 

I had been a stay at home wife and mother, working piddly part time office jobs because number one, my husband didn't really want me to work and yet number two, my mom warned me about being out of the work force for too long (happened to her, didn't work for 15 years, then when Dad left she had to start over with nothing to put on her resume) so I wanted to at least have part time jobs to list. But when I divorced I HAD to go to work full time. I still worked somewhat piddly jobs because I got child support, plus I'm actually pretty good at making a dollar stretch pretty far.

 

Anyway, once the kids were adults and I no longer received child support it was all on me. So I started applying like crazy, to any and all jobs that I thought I could do. I probably sent out 15 resumes a day and filled out online applications until my fingers (and brain) hurt. The company that took the bait I threw out ended up being my lucky break. It's a worldwide company that is very successful and is expanding every day. I started out at the bottom, doing a menial task, but I worked hard, got myself noticed by leadership, and have in the past 3 plus years been promoted twice. I am now making a decent living, not wealthy by any means but I can afford a lifestyle. And before I couldn't.

 

Yes, it's the boring old persistence and determination that gets you where you want to be.

Justin, many stay at home moms faced (and still face) the same obstacles that you face now. My mom also faced a similar challenge, with two daughters to raise. But she ended up landing a very good job and made decent money for years. So, take heart. It can be done.

You folks are right. I'm just making excuses. I think I'm just in shell-shock because as a kid I always imagined my adult life to be a success. And being as I feel the opposite I just feel like I really let myself down when I had every tool available to make something happen. I simply was ill-prepared in handling rejection and failure. Life really isn't what you imagine as a kid. I suppose I should use my fear to propel me. I really need to step out of my comfort zone. I gotta take chances even though I'm terrified. But all you folks are 100% right. Dam man, life is so brutal. I suppose things could be a lot worse. Thank you folks for listening and replying. Many of you made great suggestions and gave great insight that was pretty relateable.

I didn't complete my bachelor's until my 40's, and by that time I loved school so much that I went on for a master's. Consider going to school part time. CLEP offers 33 exams covering material generally taught in the first two years of college, and you can find prep materials in every library, book store and all over the Internet. You can CLEP out of any number of general education requirement (GER) courses so you don't need to sit for the classes. From there you can pursue the rest of the classes part time to complete a degree of your choice.

Don't consider college as career training unless you opt for a vocational certificate instead. Most employers consider any BA of BS degree as less of a qualifier to work in that particular field, and more of a foundational level of education and stability--so pursue anything that interests you. As of this May, the Washington Post estimates that just 27 percent of college grads had a job that was closely related to their major.

Meanwhile, consider applying to temp agencies. Temping in ANY role from mailroom to admin is a great way to get inside of companies to learn how well their culture and offerings appeal to you. From there you can apply for jobs 'from within' that are never published to the public. My method between jobs was to apply to at least 3 agencies a week starting with a radius closest to home, then I worked my way outward.

Not all agencies have the same jobs, and most won't have anything for you at the time you apply. That's NOT bad news, it just means that agencies don't have unfilled jobs sitting around waiting for you. They go to the next 'active' applicant, and you can't join the active roster online. You need to go in and fill out paper work and test on any applications you want to be placed to use. Most agencies offer tutorials, so if your scores are lousy, you can either use their tutorials or join a subscriptions service, such a Lynda.com to improve them.

Between temping and school, you can fill in with Uber as your course load allows. You may even find yourself enjoying it more when it isn't your only source of income.

I'd make my agency appointments for mornings then treat myself to a nice reward afterward--a favorite coffee or sandwich or time in the park. If you consider the temp work to be a learning experience, then getting paid to work in environments that can lead you 'somewhere' can be inspiring. You don't need to know 'where' at this time, just adopt a mental framework that trusts things to fall into place as you start doing your part to align the puzzle pieces.

Shame is the opposite of a motivator, so I'd quit drilling into that or you'll just dig yourself a deeper hole to climb out of. Focus on ascent, and take pride in every small step you make in the right direction. Don't compare yourself with anyone else. Everyone follows their own path. Instead of quitting the acting, why not pursue it as a social hobby where you can mentor inexperienced people and form friendships around a shared interest?

Head high, and switch the critical voice you run in your head away from being a harsh critic and toard soundling like an encouraging coach. You will thank yourself later.

Hello Justin Ponders,

The people here really gave you a lot of great advice. They seem reasonable and doable and could help you get to where you want to be.

The only thing I wish to add is this: so, you want to go from point A to point B, where B is the lifestyle and status you dream of. But going to point B may take some time and a lot of hard work, or, I hate to say it, but there is a possibility of failure. My only advice is that as you aim for B, it would be wise to learn to enjoy and appreciate what you have in point A. You have a job, enough to avail you a certain level of comfort such as a decent meal, coffee, going to the movies, you are in good shape, probably no health issues. These are things many people in this country can only dream about.

So, consider enjoying your life as it is right now. And it might also help if you don’t pay too much attention to what others have such as money, nice house and car, girlfriend. Try your best not to dwell on the past and what you did and did not do. It will just stress you out.

And often times, when we are contented and appreciative of what we have, we begin to develop a positive attitude in life and a good disposition. This makes us better workers, more pleasing to work or deal with and sometimes opportunities pop out from nowhere. There is a ton of stories about people who got breaks in life because of their pleasantness toward others.

I started out all those years ago in the 80s as a writer with my hot BA in Journalism in my hand, ready to take on the world. Two years working for poverty wages at a weekly newspaper cured me of that fantasy.

Since then? I've worked at a number of software companies as a tech writer, information architect, and the latest silly title: knowledge manager.

I've had to reboot myself more times than I care to admit. The latest shift was 4 yours ago at the tender age of 55.

So you feel like you are below your station in life. Tread water and work to make a change.

I was unemployed for 18 months at age 50 with kids in college. Try that.

I went to a career counselor and I plunked down the credit card to get trained in Iphone app development. I wish I could say I made a fortune doing app development. I didn't but that experience led to a job.

Life is a journey. keep moving.

My only advice is that as you aim for B, it would be wise to learn to enjoy and appreciate what you have in point A.

That's actually the best cure there is for unhappiness: appreciating what you have.

I had to start over at 40yrs old. And in doing so, I said yes to just about anything.

You mention those dead end jobs? Often times those very places have room for advancement and notice those who are hungry and say yes to things.

I agree with temp agencies. At my current job we often hire temps and most recently I had one who's term was about to end. I was so taken by her I went around to the other mgr's asking if they needed anyone. She was too valuable to give back. She's now working in our agency and they are paying her to get her insurance certifications.

Do not settle for being an Uber driver when you know darn well you can do more. But sometimes you need to yes to something that might otherwise seem undesirable for the moment. While doing so, enroll in school. Take one class a semester online if you have to. What else do you have going on outside of driving strangers around all night?