I can’t orgasm with my fiancé

Hi there, so I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years now. I’m am 26 and he is 32. We are engaged to be married. He is such an amazing man. Sweet, kind, romantic and very much committed to our relationship. He is an all round great guy. I love him very much and our relationship is pretty great, however our sex life is not great, I have only had an orgasm once with him in the entire time we have been together. I know you are probably all thinking why would you stay with someone if the sex is bad? Well I will give you some background. So I was totally inexperienced when we started our relationship and I was a virgin. We dated for a long time before we had sex so I already developed very strong feelings for him before we even had sex.

When we finally had sex it was very painful and it continued to be painful and uncomfortable for about 10 months. Therefore I didn’t really think about it not being pleasurable instead I thought once the pain goes away it will feel good.

So now there is no pain, but there is no pleasure either. I am not able to come anywhere close to an orgasm. No pleasurable sensations... no lubrication.... nothing. I masturbate a couple of times a week and can achieve orgasm this way. I use my hands and sometimes toys and can even achieve multiple orgasms.

I have masturbated in front of my partner. In the hopes that he could see what works. He finds this arousing but hasn’t used the techniques in the bedroom.

Basically he is just really into penetration. And sex follows a clear routine: we kiss for a bit, he plays with my boobs (squeezes them, licks them) then he puts his penis inside me and then we have sex.

His gone down on me about 5 times during our relationship. He is just rough down there with his tongue and he rests his whole head down there and he doesn’t support the weight of his head which is uncomfortable for me.

He doesn’t touch my clit that much and when he does it is rough and uncomfortable. I’ve only ever orgasmed through clit stimulation but it has to be gentle. I’ve told him to be gentle or to touch here. But he will start off gentle then go hard again.

There has been only once when I was able to orgasm with him and that was when he went down on me on my birthday. This time he was very gentle and just did gentle little licks on my clit. I orgasmed and it was so good I almost cried. I told him how amazing it was and heaped on the praise. But he hasn’t done it like that since and on the one occasion he went down on me since then he did it rough like I described earlier.

I don’t know what to do. I like the emotional connection that comes when we have sex and I love being so close to the person I love, but not having any sexual pleasure at all during sex is starting to make me feel resentful and I am just relying on masturbation to meet my needs.

I am not looking forward to bringing this up with my partner as I don’t want to hurt his feelings and bruise his man ego. When we first started having sex and sex was painful for me. It really hurt his feelings that he was hurting me. He has a sensitive side so I am not looking forward to bringing it up.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcomed. Thank you x

Well, I think it's your boyfriend who doesn't have much experience. He's a selfish lover, even if he is sensitive like you say. Most men are eager to do whatever it takes to make their partner orgasm. Otherwise, he's just using you like a sex doll. Your boyfriend has resisted your teaching him how to make you come, and I can't help but believe that this has to translate to his life as well. Sex is the most intimate things we do to and for each other, and if he is unwilling to make you feel good, what else isn't he doing in your relationship?

This isn't a case of just not having good sex, but it's about caring for the other person. I know I would feel like I was raping my wife is she wasn't enjoying it.

So this isn't about you being a virgin before him, and this isn't about bruising his man ego. He needs to learn what to do to make you feel good and he needs to know what he's doing wrong. And let me tell you that a relationship will just go downhill if the sex is bad. And if you can't teach him how to be a good lover, the gulf between you will just keep getting wider and wider.

This is interesting. As others have said, it sounds like he's inexperienced/selfish.

I am quite the opposite. I've slept with my fair share of females, but ultimately, I care more about them enjoying themselves than me (though I almost always do).

I recall my first couple of encounters quite vividly. I didn't know what I was doing, so, and do excuse me, I just kissed a little and then went straight for it.

I then decided to take responsibility because I wanted a mutually wonderful sex life. I read. I know it sounds weird. But I did. I read some awesome books on oral sex (and other things) and implemented the suggestions. Fast forward a few months, my recently ended girlfriend's (at the time) friend was a little tipsy in a bar and was blabbing to me about how amazing my ex-girlfriend says I was in bed. The trick? "She cums first". Always.

I had quite a difficult experience also. I was seeing a girl who was a few years younger than me and was very inexperienced. At this point I'd been sexually active a long time and was used to frequent sex. She made me wait 6 months. I was happy to oblige because I was besotted. Anyway, when it finally did happen, I realised immediately that she was uncomfortable with the whole act. She obviously didn't really know what she was doing and as such, it didn't happen a lot because she clearly didn't find it an enjoyable experience. My solution? I found a way to educate her without making it obvious. It sounds arrogant, but within a couple of months it became very frequent and very good. I was just honest with her. I knew she loved me and she knew I loved her. I told her what I liked and what I didn't like and I asked her the same questions. We explored different and new things for her and I simply asked for her feedback.

Perhaps it may be best to just be honest? He may be butt hurt for a week or so but I'd personally rather know my other half wasn't enjoying it and be able to do something about it.

Thank you for the responses. I understand that he may be selfish in the bedroom, but his certainly not like that outside of the bedroom. He is a very giving and kind person in day to day life. But when it comes to sex it’s like a lot of breast touching and then put it in. He means well, even during sex he constantly says how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and then after 8 minutes of thrusting (is that a good amount of time?) he orgasms after the sex he is completely pressed up against me and talks for a long time about how much he loves me. He definitely means well and I think he wants to make me happy. What I don’t get is why doesn’t he repeat what he did that worked when he made me orgasm the one time?... I constantly talked about how amazing it was. Yet he didn’t do it again

Tell him to go down on you.

I will echo what a lot of the people have said...

Whatever great attributes you say your boyfriend has, when it comes to sex he is pretty selfish. Being selfish because of ignorance isn't any better.

The thing about sex is that everyone has to learn, sometime it is just more intuitive for some.

Sex is a very important aspect of my relationship so I worked to improve it a lot.

I also have read a lot of books and articles. I also would ask my wife stuff about her preferences (after sex) so I could try things.

Making my wife happy during sex is a lot more difficult than making me happy so therefore I devoted a lot of effort to her happiness, because honestly it is pretty simple and straightforward to make me happy.

I will say to that it is should be a pretty clear rule with sex that the guy doesn't get to orgasm until your partner is down with all their Os.

Hell, I don't think my wife would let me finish until she was done...

I also have gotten my wife to open up enough that if she wants me to do something during sex she just tells me, or moves me accordingly.

But I would say to you that you are in control of sex with your partner, so if he tries to just "stick it in" without the proper preparation don't let him.

Ask him to do something else, or to change something up.

If this is an issue with him it is only because you are not being open and honest with him about what you want, or he cares next to nothing about your happiness. I hope it is just the former.

If you plan to marry this person you need to become 100% comfortable telling him what you want to make you happy. Sex is just another part of that. Otherwise you will never be happy, because he isn't going to be able to read your mind.

My wife used to only be able to have an orgasm once every few times we had sex. After years of practise and improvement she consistently has at least two each time. She is just open about what she wants and I'm receptive.

We even have two children and we still average about 45 minutes each time with 5 to 10 times a week, so don't let him try to use the "we don't have enough time" bull I have heard from my guy friends.

Sex is as important as you make it.

My wife was also a virgin when we became sexually active, as was I, just to give you some background.

I agree that sex is an important part of a relationship. I should of talked to him earlier about it. But I just ignored it for the first 10 months of having sex and I was under a very silly impression that once the sex stopped hurting it would just automatically feel good, I now realise that this is a very uninformed way of thinking. So now increasingly our sex life has been on my mind. I want to talk my partner about it but I am pretty apprehensive. I don’t know how to start the conversation in a way that will hurt his feelings the least and be productive.

Thanks for the ideas. I think I will give 69 a go. We have tried it once before and it did get me aroused. I have also tried straddling his face and receiving oral that way but when he does go down on me he is rough. I’m not sure how someone can be rough with only their tongue but he can. He really thrashes his head down there and licks it really rough, and most of the time his gone down on me. He has just spent the time licking the area just above my clit, it sounds dismal but at times he will missed the vital clit area.

Sometimes you just have to tell the other person EXACTLY what you are wanting. No mixed messages, no thoughts on hoping that he will figure it out or guess correctly, you just have to tell him what you want him to do and how you want him to do it.

Be as direct as possible and as honest as possible.

How else will he know?

If you give him specific directions and he still does not follow through then you've got a problem.

Listen to Sweetgirl OP, she seems to know a thing or two! !

Kidding aside, any man or woman who sucks at sex it's because he /she doesn't like it enough to learn. It's not rocket science to lick a clit correctly Lol

I was actually going to buy a ring, so yeah great minds think alike :) we tried watching porn and that’s nice. Trying to find nice non female objectifying porn is tricky and I always get distracted by the amount of eye makeup some of the chicks in porn wear Lol. I keep hinting to my partner how I would like him to go down on me the way he did that night. His response is ‘that was a birthday treat’... his only had 4 sexual partners before me and went 8 years without sex before me, so in a lot of ways I still feel like his stuck in his early 20s sexually. Couple that with while he was single for those eight years he watched a lot of porn. I think he thinks that a lot of women really do get off just by intercourse alone. So there is a few things that add to the problem. But I do want our relationship and soon marriage to be fulfilling in every way so I am going to try my best to bring new things into the bedroom.

Eff his ego, he sounds so selfish in bed! Birthday treat my butt. You are as much to blame in this. If you are not enjoying sex speak up, if you are not aroused enough to be penetrated then tell him no, I am not wet, I want you to do x, y and Z so I can enjoy it. Do you perform oral on him regularly? Because if it’s a birthday treat for you then it’s oBly a birthday treat for him right 😉

Talk to him about this outside the bedroom. Pick a time where you're getting along great, you're alone with him, and just hanging out. And repeat everything to him that you said in your first paragraph here, that he's a great guy, etc.

And then just look him straight in the eyes, and tell him that you are not satisfied in the bedroom. That gentler is better. That you like to be licked like this, not that. That you need more foreplay to become wet enough to become aroused.

I'm decades older than you, and I was engaged to a guy like this. Greatest guy in the world outside the bedroom, but like your guy, mine was also my first, and I actually never came with him. I ended up married to him. But, after we got engaged, I realized that something was missing, and we broke up for a while. During that time, I met another guy, and I had my first orgasm with intercourse. Yep, guy inside me, and the orgasm just came naturally. I can still remember that. I went out with that guy many more times, and I never failed to orgasm, internally. Which, BTW, if you cried during the oral sex orgasm, this is like that times 10. I ended up back with my fiancé, and we went through with the marriage, which didn't last. Once we divorced and I started dating, I realized it was him, not me, as to this day, I can orgasm internally, during penetration, within about 2 minutes. I now wish I had been confident and mature enough to talk to my then-fiance/husband, as it could have saved our relationship.

The internal/during penetration orgasm is so intense, that a few years ago, when I had to have a hysterectomy, I doctor-shopped until I found one who would pretty much guarantee that I'd be able to keep my internal orgasm. It literally took me 5 doctors, the 5th one being the only male, to find one who would do the surgery in the way to hopefully keep it. Post-script: He got it. Thanks, Dr. J.!

You simply have to talk to him about this! You cant marry a man who you have poor, uncomfortable sex with. You cant spend the rest of your life simply enduring what to you is bad sex.

First of all, I can’t stress enough the importance of communicating this and nipping it in the bud ASAP. This can lead to a lot of problems and resentment down the line. You truly love and care about this guy, but sexual issues can decimate even the strongest relationships if not handled. Kudos to you for trying to get out in front of this early on.

One thing in your post kinda caught my attention:

And sex follows a clear routine: we kiss for a bit, he plays with my boobs (squeezes them, licks them) then he puts his penis inside me and then we have sex. x

I think you’ve gotten a lot of good and constructive comments already, but I guess I would ask what other things you do for him in bed other than the sex? I don’t expect details or anything, but it’s something to think about. He may be more inclined to do some of the things you like/want if he feels he’s getting the same things in return. Has he communicated any other needs than just penetration to you?

You'll resent him and slowly corrode your affection and marriage unless you do this.:

Eff his ego, he sounds so selfish in bed! Birthday treat my butt. You are as much to blame in this. If you are not enjoying sex speak up, if you are not aroused enough to be penetrated then tell him no, I am not wet, I want you to do x, y and Z so I can enjoy it. Do you perform oral on him regularly? Because if it’s a birthday treat for you then it’s oBly a birthday treat for him right 😉

Has he communicated any other needs than just penetration to you?

I give him oral sex. So we have sex a couple of times a week and roughly every second or third time we have sex I will give him oral first. Sometimes I will just give him oral sex without sex after. I know you are probably thinking don’t give him head unless he goes down on you but giving him oral is probably the only thing we do that actually physically arouses me. I give him hand jobs. He likes it when I massage his balls so I do that, (he likes anything ball related so like sucking them ect) I will wear lingerie. He is really into anything to do with breasts. So he plays with them a lot. He will rub his penis in them and he likes that. I don’t mind it and said he can do it more often. But he says he likes it only once in a while as his ‘treat’ I don’t understand why his got this thing about some sexual things being only ‘treat’ things... I don’t get it

I agree with the others, it's communication that you need more than anything.

Rings, porn, (especialy porn..?!? you shouldn't have to rely on that cheap form of entertainment to enjoy your husband or visa versa) etc...that won't fix anything if he doesn't even know what you want or what feels good or where to be pleasuring you.

You need to be specific. If you and he are considering marriage, then communication is crucial and you shouldn't be having this hard of a time telling him what's wrong and what you're needing.

This is your soon to be husband...talk to him!

Sounds to me like he’s either inexperienced or just bad...for now. Maybe he’s nothing about being selfish, maybe he thinks it’s good, but it’s not for you. And that needs to be fixed.

My wife was my first, and when we started having regular sex, she said she enjoyed it, but I think it was more about the closeness and intimacy aspect. Looking back at things, I was probably bad in bed at the time. Fast forward to now, and I can’t imagine an encounter where I wouldn’t do anything to please her. It’s a HUGE turn on for me watching her get off. It took some time, communication, and some awkward questions during intimacy, but we found our groove.

I’m hoping that with some time and communication that things get better. I don’t know if I’d recommend stop doing the things you do for him (unless you’re uncomfortable with them), but as someone else said, this is a person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. He needs to listen and try.

I haven’t yet grown the confidence to talk to him about it. But we did happen to talk about sex yesterday. We are currently renovating and he is putting a kitchen in. So his talking about how he will finish the kitchen soon:

Him: When I finish the kitchen. I’m going to f#ck you on our new kitchen bench to celebrate.

Me: I can’t wait to till it is finished. You know what I want to do more of. Remember that time you went down on me on birthday. That was so amazing. I want to do that again.

Him: That was a special birthday treat for my sweetie

Me: But I don’t think it should just be a birthday thing

Him: (he looks at me as if he has had a great idea) I know, when your promotion goes through in 5 weeks We will celebrate and I will do it to you then.

I didnt know what to say after that and knew I felt angry but didn’t want to say something hurtful I would regret so just said I needed to go bathroom.

I need to talk to him properly about it cause I have been dropping hints like mad and that doesn’t work.

I need to work on being able to talk about and articulate what I want in bed... It’s hard I was raised by a single mum and was 1 of 4 kids. I always grew up thinking that what was important was finding a good man who committed to you and stood by you. That was the most important part for me... and sex never once entered my thoughts. Both my older sisters are married. Both have told me that there husbands aren’t great in bed and both my sisters had considerable sexual experience before they met their husbands. But they both say that they have had way better sex on a one night stand then they have ever had with their husbands, but those guys never loved them, committed to them, supported them in owning a business or created little elaborate treasure hunts on their birthday.

I know that mentality is flawed but I’ve been thinking like that for 26 years.

There are a million different factors that can make reaching orgasm difficult the wrong type of stimulation, lack of information, insufficient communication, bad positioning, or not giving yourself enough time but it does seem likely that the problem you’re having involves mental blockages.

Orgasm is a mental experience as much as a physical one. Sometimes it can feel like there’s an incredibly narrow window of acceptable mental actions. If you think about it too much “am I close yet? Is it going to happen this time? Is he getting bored?” you won’t come. If you don’t think about it enough “are those clothes dirty or clean? Did I forget to water the plants?” you won’t come. What’s a gal to do?

The trick is to find better ways to occupy your brain during sex. keep your mind on the prize and learning how to orgasm with your partner

by:

Fantasize;Active fantasizing is one of the most effective techniques for improving your orgasmic odds. Fantasizing is a great way to keep your mind engaged during sex. It also creates another layer of stimulation. There are even some women who are able to reach orgasm simply by fantasizing!think of your favorite fantasies.

Yeah you got a point about the mental thing. When we do have sex I don’t feel distracted. I am looking at him, kissing him. I like my body so I don’t feel self conscious during sex. I don’t think about if I am going to come because I gave up on that a few years ago. To be honest I don’t really think about anything when I am having sex. I think because I haven’t enjoyed it at all for the entire time I’ve been sexually active, I have become detached from it now. A little while ago we hadn’t had sex in a fortnight which is long for us and when we did have sex my partner got too excited and he came in like 15 seconds and I was so happy it was over quickly. After I realised I was so happy about something so depressing. I started thinking about wanting to change the situation.

See? It's already getting to you. Good sex is NEVER a special "treat". He's not responding to "talk" so stop that immediately, you have already seen that does not work and never will. It's unclear why you think you can fix this obstinate behavior with "talk" when it's obvious you have been talking to a wall the whole time. Why keep banging your head against that wall? Also stop the porn, the toys and all that crap for him, if it's not what you want. What works is ACTION. This means no sex if and until it's good sex. For you. You are going to systematically destroy your relationship/marriage by allowing bad selfish sex which you already resent. This fearful passive-aggressive behavior can and will erode your relationship slowly but surely.

I didnt know what to say after that and knew I felt angry but didn’t want to say something hurtful I would regret so just said I needed to go bathroom. I have been dropping hints like mad and that doesn’t work.

I know, when your promotion goes through in 5 weeks We will celebrate and I will do it to you then.

A guy who bargains cunnilingus is not a sexual guy. If he wanted to learn he would have already improved but he hasn't. If you are going to marry him, you have to accept that sex will be a chore.

I talked to him about it!!!!

So I told him how it really bothered that he said that oral sex was just a birthday treat. I said making your partner happy shouldn’t just be something you do on special occasions.

Him: you take things very seriously. You know I didn’t mean it like that.

I’m thinking f#ck it I just gotta rip off the band aid now

Me: Sweetie I would like to receive a little more oral sex. Like how you did it on my birthday. Doesn't have to be all the time just semi regularly. I love you very very much. You are my soul mate.

He had a very serious I just got punched in the face look.

Him: Okay.... is there anything else you want?

Me: I don’t really know. Oral sex is what I mainly want.

Him: I’m sorry. You look after my needs really well. I wanna make you happy too.

We haven’t done anything sexual yet. But at least I finally was honest. I thought it was best to keep the no orgasm thing to myself. I don’t think that will help the situation just impact on his self esteem right?? We will have to see what happens when we are intimate but I feel a bit better