I know my boyfriend loves me. But I don’t understand why he’s waiting...

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years now. For years we’ve been talking about getting married and having a family. I have always been more likely to bring it up than him. When we were 2.5 years together, he “proposed” to me. He told me to treat it as reassurance and that he will do it again and make it official with a ring.

About a year ago, on our 3 year anniversary, he was planning on proposing to me after a talk we had. However, he decided against it saying we “shouldn’t rush things” and that when he proposes, he wants to do it properly, not rushed. (As this one was very much planned over 2 weeks due to some adverts he had seen online)

I’ve told him loads of times that I don’t need a ring, definitely not an expensive one. I just want to be able to say that “I’m engaged to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with” and I want to start a new chapter with him in our lives, together. He seems to think that he needs to buy me an expensive ring and plan everything perfectly.

I spoke to him about this recently. He told me that why he is waiting is because he is a firm believer that we should be able to afford living together etc, before we get married. Have a carrer and so forth. I can understand that from the perspective of an ambitious women, like myself. However, I start to have doubts as he isn’t looking for work, every time I ask him about something like that he dismisses it, saying he doesn’t want to talk about it and he doesn’t currently have a job. He has no ambition on what he wants to do.

He told me that “if he could, he would propose to me in a heartbeat.” But his lack of looking for a job shocks me. My question is, is he just not ready to get married and not telling me? Or is it just that he is completely unmotivated?

Thanks,

TheBlue18

How does he support himself without a job?

Do you live together? Are you paying his bills?

He certainly isnt interested in getting married any time soon. Actions speak louder than words. Why doesnt he have a job? i hope you aren't supporting him and paying all the bills, as then there is no incentive for him to get a job and improve his life.

We currently live apart and he is living with his parents. We are both 20. I know it’s young, but we’ve been together so long that I feel like we should be moving towards starting this chapter in our lives.

I think it’s too early to be thinking about marriage, in my opinion.

It’s not so much about age (I hate that! I know many 20 year olds who are very mature and many 40 year olds who are quite immature) - but I do think it’s about life stage and rate of growth.

Over the next 5 years, you will have a lot of life changes coming your way. College, moving out, establishing of careers and in his case even deciding on his life path, perhaps travelling, etc. All of these things can put an enormous strain on relationships.

I have seen couples make it through all of this. I have also seen some very strong couples be torn apart by these changes. It’s a lot!

I do think that if you are going to talk about being together forever, you should have a better idea of what that forever looks like and have achieved some of those things.

Once you have achieved many of those things, while life always still changes, it does so at a much slower rate (once you’ve started your careers, saved for the future, moved out, etc). It is much better, in my opinion, to commit when the waters are more stable rather than while there are still quite a bit of choppy waters ahead. Then you will have a better idea of what you are committed to.

Unfortunately, love does not always conquer all.

I think your boyfriend is being both cautious and wise. And until he can figure out what he wants to do with his life, he is smart to not want to commit.

We currently live apart and he is living with his parents. We are both 20. I know it’s young, but we’ve been together so long that I feel like we should be moving towards starting this chapter in our lives.

There's a large part of your problem right there - you two are just 20. Far too young to get married or even be thinking about it. You are in too much of a hurry. The male brain doesnt quit growing/maturing until age 25 so he's got 5 years to go. The amount of changes you both will go thru in the next few years as you both grow and mature are huge. You dont know what you dont know. The people you are at 20 are not the people you will be at 25 and older. He is still too young, living with his folks, he is so not mature enough for marriage. Neither are you at 20. Slow down!

You are very, very young. That is a significant factor in his hesitation, no doubt.

I realize you have been together a while, but couples at your age usually are nowhere near established enough in life to marry. He is in that boat. He lives at home, doesn't work - marriage is not possible under these circumstances.

I wouldn't focus so much on getting engaged, OP. He isn't going to be ready any time soon.

Stop pressuring him to marry you. Chances are you'll be with a different guy in 5 years.

I started dating my wife when we were 16.

We are both around 30 now and have been together unbroken that entire time.

I got to marry my high school sweetheart and I am very lucky that our relationship was solid enough that it lasted.

So I 100% believe that you can stay with your high school sweetheart and be together, despite what everyone else will tell you.

That being said, it is SO incredibly ignorant to get married so young. OMFG please do not pressure him to get married.

Not only are you about to hit a huge transitional state of your lives but that pressure from you will undermine your relationship if he is being intelligent and not wanting to get married yet.

My wife and I wanted to get married so badly but we vowed that we wouldn't get married until after we finished our degrees.

High school relationships can last but getting married that young is still very risky.

If you want the best shot at this relationship working don't get married yet. In fact, getting married so young is one of the best ways to ruin the relationship.

Why do you want to get married? What do you think will matter one way or the other if you are or aren't married?

You're confusing dependency with love.

Without work and/or continuing education, and the experience it brings, the dependency will only grow.

Here is my best advice I can give you about marriage, OP:

People often change throughout their lives, but not just because they got married. Many people get married with either the expectation that marriage will change their SO or that the person will stay the same forever. Neither are correct. People will change, but not always in the ways that you expect and you have to be willing to adapt to them.

What this basically means for you guys is that you both are very young and haven’t fully grown into adulthood yet. At 20 years old, you both are at the brink of going through some big changes in your lives in the next couple years to come that the relationship may or may not work out. It’s the BIG reason why most marriages that happen before the age of 25 do not last. Trust me, you will be a different person at 25 years old, and so will he. My husband and I both were changing every few years before we got married. Settling down and starting a family can often mean limiting on traveling, jumping into a different career, buying that nice sporty car, or changing/waiting on starting a hobby.

Here’s some example and sacrifices we made: I’m pregnant now. My husband and I had to give up our sports cars that were fun and sexy to drive in our 20’s (Mazda RX-8 and Ford Mustang) for practical vehicles to drive our baby in. My husband is studying and taking additional medical certification tests for his job before the baby (he will have NO time to study once our baby is here) so that we can afford childcare (THE COST IS A STUDENT LOAN PAYMENT PER WEEK). I had to stop taking flight lessons because I’m pregnant (safety issue in case the plane crashes) and start saving for childcare (it costs 10K to get a pilot license). I live in a beach community and was planning to replace my jet ski that broke last summer... can’t do any boat riding while pregnant and have to wait a few more years until my child is old enough to ride. I’m practically exchanging the James Bond lifestyle... stuff to do before and during marriage... for motherhood.

You mentioned your boyfriend’s situation of living with his parents and not having a job, but I notice that you are vague about your situation. What about yourself? Have you finished school or any type of job skill trade? Do you have a career lined up with job security? Are you working an entry level job? Are you planning to advanc in your career eventually? Go back to school for a different job field? These are important questions to have answers for BEFORE you get married or start having children.

I was with my husband since I was 19 years old. After a year and a half of dating I wanted to marry him. But we were so long and we’re not ready for marriage because we needed to get school out of the way and have careers because financial stability is EVERYTHING in a marriage. I moved in with him he and I both had a job lined up in his area and could pay the rent/utilities/groceries (we rented with roommates in an expensive city, would NOT recommend it). I waited seven years for him to proposed ... three more years for marriage (I was one month away from my 30th birthday when we tied the knot) because we both went back to school to advance in our careers. We lived with my parents during the first year and a half with my parents because I was still in graduate school... it made things very difficult and strained because my parents wanted to intervene in our new marriage at times and we forfeited privacy.... however I secured a job before graduation and got my husband and I moved out right after.

So with my experience and some wisdom OP.... you got two choices:

1. Continue dating your boyfriend and just enjoy the relationship, realizing you both aren’t ready for marriage quite yet until you got your education and careers taken care of.

2. Dump him and find someone else who is closing on his goal. I personally wouldn’t stay with a guy who isn’t pursuing a career and is dependent on mommy and daddy’s money.

3. Be single for awhile and do all the crazy stuff before settling down for marriage/kids. Go get that sports car. Go on a backpacking trip to Europe with your girlfriends. Go on a cruise and meet people. Do some meetup groups and try out new hobbies (it’s how I got into flight lessons). Teach in a foreign country.

As it stands now... marriage isn’t on the table for you yet. Try waiting a few more years when YOU are financially ready.