the memories even hurt

i had crushed on her for a long time. My brother was more popular at the time and hes my twin so i thought it was a mistake when sh added me on fb. She initiated contact and i was thrilled. we went on our first date soon after. it went well so i asked people on how to proceed. she called me over because her dogs had been fighting and she needed help with them. i came and i ended up kissing her for the first time. we hung out almost every day after and soon after wound up in a relationship. it was so good. full of passion i had never experienced in anything prior. she showed me things i never even thought of. then she came and met my family. it was a disaster. she got really drunk and got confrontational with me in front of everyone. i broke it off soon after. i initiated contact because i missed her. it felt so right being with her. it was good for a while until we got in an argument and she broke my glasses ipad and iphone and punched me hard enough to leave a black eye. i thought i was done. again i missed her, even after all that so we remained in touch and were physical from time to time. she got pregnant and it shook me to my core. i never thought it would come to that. i was supportive and was excited to be a father, albeit it was unplanned. we were going to have twins! im a twin. A couple of months later she complained of cramps because she fainted. we went to the ER and it was revealed that she miscarried. we lost both of them. it was devastating and horrible. the anguish she felt was immense. i later discovered a fertility test in her room and it made me angry and i broke it off again. to create life under shady circumstances was something i couldnt handle. i blocked her and after a while, i unblocked her. she contacted me and asked if we could be friends. i agreed. we had been through so much already. we talked relatively frequently and even went out a couple times. it felt so good just to be around her. the frequency of our conversations dwindled to almost nothing. I then found out she has a boyfriend..... its like someone stabbed me through the heart. after all the bad she had done, i still love her and think about her all the time. not a day goes by where i hear or see something that reminds me of her. and the thought of her being with someone else is too much to bear. ive dated others but my heart still wants her. sometimes i just want to end it so i dont have to think about it anymore......i cant be happy without her. i dont want to be happy without her. everyone tells me to move on but i cant and i dont want anyone else. we were supposed to have kids!! my future was set! now all i have is the memories and even those hurt everytime they pop in my mind. its beginning to just be too much....