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Can't see the point anymore


boundsella

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Hey, I'm new to this so be gentle. My boyfriend dumped me after 4 years, no real reason given other than he doesn't see a future with me. We had all these plans just half a year ago - of getting married, buying a place of our own, going on holidays etc. And now it's all suddenly gone. It's been about 4 months since the break up and I'm really not doing well. I'm 30 years old, back to living in a bloody house share with people I don't know, can never afford buying a place on my own, family live abroad. I genuinely don't know what to do with myself. I tried going out, being busy, and it does provide some relief at the time, but on my own I just feel broken.

 

I know everyone says time helps and you will love etc, but I just can't see it happening. This man was truly the greatest love of my life so far. Not sure if anyone has any other thoughts to share but it would be good to see how others have coped with any situation like this. It just seems hopeless at the moment and I'm just tired of even trying. Can't see a way out if I'm honest, this is pure torture. I'm not going to kill myself if anyone wonders, my family would be devastated, but if I could swap places with someone who is dying and doesn't want to, I would happily swap places.

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Sweetheart - we know it hurts so much. I think you need some professional help. I despised the thought of seeing a therapist when it was suggested to me. Now I'm in such a great place. And guess what - it's only been 4 months. :-) Stay strong and think about seeing a therapist. They're not so bad.

 

You can get a lot of advice and support here, I'm sure. But a real life conversation with an educated, concerned person really does wonders.

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So sorry you're in this place. Feeling for you, truly.

 

I'm 38, seven months out of a devastating breakup. Those early months were real agony. There was the loss, yes, but also the self-shaming and self-criticism that the loss triggered. And then there was the kind of jagged annoyance of: when will these feelings END? Like: Yes, I'm working out, traveling, talking to a therapist, embracing the love of friends—and yet: the agony!

 

For me, at a certain point, I just kind of flipped a switch. I owned that the agony was there for a reason. It was nothing to fight, but kind of THE thing to embrace. It was where I was supposed to be. That didn't lessen it one bit, of course, but it kind of made me feel safe just being where I was and who I was: a guy in serious emotional pain. Somehow, in giving myself permission to just be there, something did loosen. And, eventually, lighten.

 

It's an ongoing process, and I'm not sure if this helps you at all. I guess I'm saying you're not alone, and in your first sentence above you really hit on what's important: be gentle. Be gentle with yourself, and ask for it in return. For all the torture, that really is such a beautiful thing to get to express and share—with yourself, with others. That's real vulnerability, and in that is real strength.

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You just hit the nail on the head there - I AM doing all those things that everyone suggests like working out and being around friends and keeping myself busy (apart from the therapy bit), but I still feel . And how do you embrace it? As in, literally do you talk yourself into it or meditate or what? It does help knowing that other people have gotten over this, so thank you

 

So sorry you're in this place. Feeling for you, truly.

 

I'm 38, seven months out of a devastating breakup. Those early months were real agony. There was the loss, yes, but also the self-shaming and self-criticism that the loss triggered. And then there was the kind of jagged annoyance of: when will these feelings END? Like: Yes, I'm working out, traveling, talking to a therapist, embracing the love of friends—and yet: the agony!

 

For me, at a certain point, I just kind of flipped a switch. I owned that the agony was there for a reason. It was nothing to fight, but kind of THE thing to embrace. It was where I was supposed to be. That didn't lessen it one bit, of course, but it kind of made me feel safe just being where I was and who I was: a guy in serious emotional pain. Somehow, in giving myself permission to just be there, something did loosen. And, eventually, lighten.

 

It's an ongoing process, and I'm not sure if this helps you at all. I guess I'm saying you're not alone, and in your first sentence above you really hit on what's important: be gentle. Be gentle with yourself, and ask for it in return. For all the torture, that really is such a beautiful thing to get to express and share—with yourself, with others. That's real vulnerability, and in that is real strength.

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@neurodude well at least I'm not alone in this :) Maybe you're right. But I just think that a therapist will make me re-live it and I really don't want that... I'd rather look to the future if only I could. God this really sucks

 

You dont actually relive it, you discuss the issues and learn ways to cope with them and how to resolve them and move on to be a better, stronger person who can handle adversity and negativity better. You dont learn to walk without falling!

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You just hit the nail on the head there - I AM doing all those things that everyone suggests like working out and being around friends and keeping myself busy (apart from the therapy bit), but I still feel . And how do you embrace it? As in, literally do you talk yourself into it or meditate or what? It does help knowing that other people have gotten over this, so thank you

 

So, for me: I'm a surfer. Surfing is essentially this dance between agony (paddling out into waves), fear (getting pushed under by waves and not knowing if you'll come up in time), and total bliss (those seconds when you're gliding on the wave, the time out there bobbing around). You don't get the bliss without the fear and agony, in other words, so you learn to accept that there's really no difference between all those things.

 

That's kind of how I've began to approach feeling during my breakup. It's a wave pushing me down—can't fight it, can just kind of go limp (gentle) and take it. Again and again and again. And, lo and behold, what's happened? One, I'm still here, still alive. Two, some little thing triggers a moment of bliss—maybe a chocolate brownie, maybe a joke from a friend. Sometimes it's just a second before the darkness comes again, but savoring that second creates a positive memory, proof of light in darkness. And more follow, and, as they do, you gain a kind of appreciation for the dark feelings. They are lessons, hard earned and hard felt.

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Therapy really does help! I was skeptical but it’s been helping me through my breakup with my boyfriend. I know it’s painful. Not just emotionally, I mean sometimes it really feels like someone’s squeezing your heart! :( it is not a good feeling, and sometimes dying rather than having a broken heart seems like the better option but it’s not. Hang in there!

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Hey girl I came out of a 6 year relationship just over a year ago now. It was the worst pain of my life and I wondered if I’d ever get through it. Amazingly I can say now that I no longer cry about it, I’m nearly in a space to start dating again and that is crazy to me considering how I felt a year ago. All I can say to you is ride the wave, feel every emotion that comes up, anger, fear, pain,despair all of it, feel it ride through it and eventually it begins to ache less. I still think about him sure, but not in the way I used to. It’s a removed sort of feeling now. No contact is key. You’ll be alright - look after yourself, love yourself, you’ve got this xx

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Thanks guys. It's so hard to believe that it will actually pass, like I've feel like I've wasted my best years on this guy and the pain is still so raw. I made the mistake of having a rebound which just made me feel even worse if that's possible. My ex still occasionally texts me too, I guess I should just block him... I'll think about therapy, I can get free anonymous help that's covered by my workplace...

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Thanks guys. It's so hard to believe that it will actually pass, like I've feel like I've wasted my best years on this guy and the pain is still so raw. I made the mistake of having a rebound which just made me feel even worse if that's possible. My ex still occasionally texts me too, I guess I should just block him... I'll think about therapy, I can get free anonymous help that's covered by my workplace...

 

I know that wasted-years feeling all too well. And, believe it or not, it'll pass too. Me, I'm 38, and for the first few months I felt really, really OLD. Like, would I ever meet another woman again? And, when I did, it meant I'd be in my FORTIES by the time it got real and deep. OMG! And the head spun and the heart stung and the tears came.

 

But I'll tell you: sitting with the agony, and surviving it, has given me a new appreciation of myself. Not an ego-driven appreciation, but something kinder, richer—that gentle thing we were talking about. And suddenly now I feel totally different, almost younger, more innocent than I was even a few years ago. There's a new bounce in my step, an openness, a kind of vulnerability I'm so, so happy to have found. It's the thing I want to share with a partner, and until that day comes I can share it with myself, with friends, with the universe.

 

Did I love finding it by having my heart broken by someone who cheated on me with multiple people? No, of course not. The wound is the wound is the wound. But at this point I kind of even appreciate my ex for delivering the wound, because I found some lessons learning to heal, and if there's learning there is no wasted time.

 

Hang in there. We're here for you.

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I feel your pain. It's absolutely okay to feel the way you do. There is no deadline for when the healing should end. 4 months really is NOT a long time.

You're doing so great - Keep it up.

 

Based on what you said - I'd just avoid ANY dating/rebounds until you're in a happy/confident/secure place. Otherwise the lack of satisfaction while dating while heartbroken, will further the ruminations about your ex.

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My ex still occasionally texts me too, I guess I should just block him...

 

Boundsella,

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this badly. I know there are no words that seem to help. But I can tell you that I see you said your ex keeps texting you, this is seriously holding you back. Are you answering the text? What is he saying?

 

If you don't go no contact it is harder to move forward. He is holding you back. He let go and there is no reason, FOR YOU, for him to be contacting you. It is keeping you in this depressive state, I assure you.

 

How do you feel when he text you?

 

We are all here for you.

 

Mitch

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4 months out of a 4 year relationship is not much time at all. There are some studies that show it takes half the duration of the relationship to be totally over someone, gasp!

 

Sometimes I think fighting it makes it worse. You get frustrated you aren't further along.

Wrestling it is much like fighting quick sand, it just drags you down further.

 

Accept that it's perfectly normal to feel the way you and stop for a moment and compare it to where you were last month, or a couple months ago. Acknowledge how far you've come and find some comfort in knowing that it does get better. Never as fast as we might like it too, but it does.

 

Lastly. . if you want to speed up the process at least a little bit - Block him.

Seriously. Every time you communicate with him sets you back.

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Hey, yeah I do respond when he texts. I don't know what he wants other than he seems a bit stuck too. It's definitely not helping me because he has the tendency to show up as soon as I start feeling a bit better. It's as if he has a sixth sense that I'm about to start moving on and comes out of the woodworks at that exact moment. And I'm back to square one.

 

Boundsella,

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this badly. I know there are no words that seem to help. But I can tell you that I see you said your ex keeps texting you, this is seriously holding you back. Are you answering the text? What is he saying?

 

If you don't go no contact it is harder to move forward. He is holding you back. He let go and there is no reason, FOR YOU, for him to be contacting you. It is keeping you in this depressive state, I assure you.

 

How do you feel when he text you?

 

We are all here for you.

 

Mitch

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Half the duration of the relationship?? I am totally screwed then haha. On a different note, does anyone know how to ease the physical discomfort (tightness in the chest, feeling as though you'll throw up if you eat anything etc) without taking medication? I've got some xanax and it's the only thing that helps but don't really want to take it too often

 

4 months out of a 4 year relationship is not much time at all. There are some studies that show it takes half the duration of the relationship to be totally over someone, gasp!

 

Sometimes I think fighting it makes it worse. You get frustrated you aren't further along.

Wrestling it is much like fighting quick sand, it just drags you down further.

 

Accept that it's perfectly normal to feel the way you and stop for a moment and compare it to where you were last month, or a couple months ago. Acknowledge how far you've come and find some comfort in knowing that it does get better. Never as fast as we might like it too, but it does.

 

Lastly. . if you want to speed up the process at least a little bit - Block him.

Seriously. Every time you communicate with him sets you back.

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does anyone know how to ease the physical discomfort (tightness in the chest, feeling as though you'll throw up if you eat anything etc) without taking medication?

 

You have to feel the pain to get over it. Observe it. Feel it. Embrace it. Live through it.

I know exactly how it feels - You have to breathe through it. VERY deep breaths (google breathing techniques for anxiety).

Exercise. Run. Lift weights. Force yourself to eat.

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