Final email

This is what I want to say to m ex. Was thinking of sending it in an week or so. good idea/bad idea? I feel I was clear and direct enough so there is no hidden motives. I am doing this for me so I can move forward. We didn't have a messy breakup. I left her no other choice and she fully admitted she may be making a mistake. I was a jerk during the post-breakup just due to all the emotions going on.

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Hey, I’m reaching out because I don’t want to end things on a bad note with you. Life is way too short and I’m getting way too old. And it’s important that I do this now before I lose the opportunity for it to mean anything.

I’m sorry that I made the post-breakup more difficult than it needed to be. The breakup came as a shock and the stages of grief hit me hard and fast. I lost my girlfriend, part of my family, and my home all at the same time. It was a lot to deal with and I just needed some time to process/grieve. Looking back on our text interactions, I see I was just acting out of emotion. I understand that you we’re just trying to wrap things up and move forward.

I’m also sorry for saying that I wanted to work things out and pushing you to address that. This was just my insecurities and refusal to accept this was over. Not only wasn’t it fair to you that I brought it up, I was not listening what you were trying to say. It was a carppy thing to do.

Most importantly I just wanted to say how grateful I am for getting the opportunity to fall in love with you and spend a year of our lives together. You’re an truly are an incredible woman and I am so thankful for our memories. The good ones I will always cherish and the bad ones are allowing me to learn a lot about myself.

There is no hard feelings on this side of the table and understand now why it had to happen this way. Going forward, don’t hesitate to contact me if you need/want to. And if at some point, you’d like to catch-up, I would welcome that. If not, that’s ok too; I’m not expecting anything nor will I push. You know where I stand. I want to see you happy regardless if we’re in each other’s lives or not.

I think of you often and hope you’re doing ok & getting everything sorted out. I can’t imagine how rough it’s been for you lately. That’s what she said…

I'm no expert at this but I think were supposed to stay NC. I broke down last night and sent a barrage of texts, I don't think it did anything other than alert the authorities that they have a suicidal lunatic to watch out for.

This is what I want to say to m ex. Was thinking of sending it in an week or so. good idea/bad idea? I feel I was clear and direct enough so there is no hidden motives. I am doing this for me so I can move forward. We didn't have a messy breakup. I left her no other choice and she fully admitted she may be making a mistake. I was a jerk during the post-breakup just due to all the emotions going on.

 

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Hey, I’m reaching out because I don’t want to end things on a bad note with you. Life is way too short and I’m getting way too old. And it’s important that I do this now before I lose the opportunity for it to mean anything.

 

I’m sorry that I made the post-breakup more difficult than it needed to be. The breakup came as a shock and the stages of grief hit me hard and fast. I lost my girlfriend, part of my family, and my home all at the same time. It was a lot to deal with and I just needed some time to process/grieve. Looking back on our text interactions, I see I was just acting out of emotion. I understand that you we’re just trying to wrap things up and move forward.

 

I’m also sorry for saying that I wanted to work things out and pushing you to address that. This was just my insecurities and refusal to accept this was over. Not only wasn’t it fair to you that I brought it up, I was not listening what you were trying to say. It was a carppy thing to do.

 

Most importantly I just wanted to say how grateful I am for getting the opportunity to fall in love with you and spend a year of our lives together. You’re an truly are an incredible woman and I am so thankful for our memories. The good ones I will always cherish and the bad ones are allowing me to learn a lot about myself.

 

There is no hard feelings on this side of the table and understand now why it had to happen this way. Going forward, don’t hesitate to contact me if you need/want to. And if at some point, you’d like to catch-up, I would welcome that. If not, that’s ok too; I’m not expecting anything nor will I push. You know where I stand. I want to see you happy regardless if we’re in each other’s lives or not.

 

I think of you often and hope you’re doing ok & getting everything sorted out. I can’t imagine how rough it’s been for you lately. That’s what she said…

I do not think you should send this. You should draw the line here and not cross it again.

Writing a note is healthy, as it allows us to get our thoughts and feelings out, but it is the sending part that does not help. Some people suggest writing the note and then burning it as a ritualistic farewell. Others suggest keeping it so that in several months from now you can look back at it and see how far you have come since then.

Close the door on the past and walk away. There is no requirement to smooth things over. What is done, is done.

Soon as you send this you will wonder if she read it.

You will wonder if she what she thinks.

Then the possibilities of her reply or a no reply will haunt you and delay the healing process.

Say you sent it the possibilities are only about 4 things and the likely of each reply are determined by percentages and how the relationship was and how the break up was.

For example:

No Reply: you will wonder if she even read it. You will wonder how could she not even reply. You will wonder million other things like how can she not even say anything back when we spent so much time together and what about the good times? You will wonder did none of this matter?

Vague Reply: She simple wants to not really want to talk to you for whatever reason. All the above you will wonder about, instead of wondering why she didn't reply you will wonder why she sent such a short reply. How come she didn't talk about her feelings or how indifferent she is.

Vague Reply to let you down easy: You will read it and your mind will do tricks on you. Instead of realizing that the reply was to let you down easy with little to no conflict at all, some emotions are within the reply and then you see that as some kind of "hope", "maybe", "chance" that you could be together again in the near future. This is your mind tricking you and you end up holding onto every emotional words and statements that you read. Keeping you hooked and then delaying the process of healing once again. You will wonder "what she mean by what she said". You ultimately have to ask again and break another NC period. You will seem desperate and needy at that point and you won't even realize it.

Long thoughtful emotional reply: Say the break up was bad for both parties. Whatever the problem was, you will go through all of the above but she could be thinking the same thing and you end up getting back together. From experience and throughout all the posts here about break ups and everything this is a very slim case. like probably less than 1% chance.

Better to not send this letter.

Hi Cubby,

Do not send it.

Keep it, burn it or eat it, but do not send it.

All the best.

You already know my opinion on the long letter. I've sent it in the past and definitely regretted it in the long-run when the reasons for the breakup became more clear. If you can resist, you probably should.

HOWEVER, I've seen the amount you've posted these past few days and I think that you've already made up your mind to send it. It may even keep you obsessively going in circles to not send it and leave your business "unfinished" in your mind. Despite the low chance of success, you really desire reconciliation, and you feel that if you just say what she wants to hear, she may just come around.

So basically, I would suck it and see. Send it. I don't think you'll get the outcome you want, but it will help you to understand why NC is necessary for healing after a breakup. There is a great possibility that this will set you back in some ways, but as long as this doesn't turn into, "well just one more message", the set back will be brief.

One more piece of advice however: never ever settle for less than the relationship you actually want. You cannot make a relationship out of a booty call or ego prop situation with your ex. If she begins to contact you regularly after you send this with no clear intention to get back together (that she states directly) then she is using you to deal with the pain of the breakip. All too many of us know on here how soul-crushing it is to realize that they are just using you to move on and at the same time preventing you from moving on. It is easy to delude yourself into this trap.

Good luck and update us with your decision!

Agree with everyone else. It's cathartic to write it, but don't send it. It will open a can of worms you don't want. Wondering if she got it or read it or if or when she will reply, etc.

I’m going against the grain! I think it’s a lovely, well thought out and emotionally balanced letter.

I haven’t read your history but...

I don’t think there is anything wrong with sending it IF (and this is a massive IF) you don’t want, expect or hope for a reply. You have to send it as if you are letting go of a helium balloon and watch it rise into the air and off in the distance. You would have to send it for YOU - not for any type of reaction from your ex. You likely won’t get a reply (expect that) and if you do get a reply, it will likely be one that’s completely different than what you would expect.

I don’t like leaving things on a bad note, personally. It’s like a karmic vibe or something. It messes with my head. I have done this type of thing in the past and it was healing for me to kind of “make things right” in my head. But again - you can’t expect or hope for a reply. If her reaction or non-reaction is going to upset you or stress you out - don’t do it.

I’m going against the grain! I think it’s a lovely, well thought out and emotionally balanced letter.

 

I haven’t read your history but...

 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with sending it IF (and this is a massive IF) you don’t want, expect or hope for a reply. You have to send it as if you are letting go of a helium balloon and watch it rise into the air and off in the distance. You would have to send it for YOU - not for any type of reaction from your ex. You likely won’t get a reply (expect that) and if you do get a reply, it will likely be one that’s completely different than what you would expect.

 

I don’t like leaving things on a bad note, personally. It’s like a karmic vibe or something. It messes with my head. I have done this type of thing in the past and it was healing for me to kind of “make things right” in my head. But again - you can’t expect or hope for a reply. If her reaction or non-reaction is going to upset you or stress you out - don’t do it.

While I normally agree with no contact, in this case, agree with RedDress, and if sending this will help YOU move on, then by all means send it.

It's never wrong to express what's in our hearts, I wish more people would! Within reason of course, which your message is.

Try to not have expectations though, as you said you are doing this for you!

Obviously you are harboring some guilt and regret about how things went down in the end, and if sending this will help YOU with that, then again just send it.

Ideally she will respond and thank you for reaching out and sharing your thoughts but if not, that's okay too, best to not have any expectations either way.

Good luck and feel better!!!

I'll give you some softer advice than what you've gotten on here. IF you are dead set on sending this, cut out the last two graphs. In those you are opening up the door to a response, to future talks, whatever. In other words, some of those very insecurities that you're addressing as if they are in the past are still very much percolating. They're hungry, those insecurities, they want soothing—and in those graphs you're subtly asking her to feed them and soothe them.

Just let that go and put out the purest, truest, highest energy you want. I did this not long ago with an ex. We had a very acrimonious breakup, and the bad energy was just bothering me. So I sent her a short, kind note when I truly—and, I mean, TRULY—had no expectations for anything in reply. I'd soothed my insecurities elsewhere, for months.

It felt good to send it. It felt honest. She was kind for a moment. Then she was really hostile. That kind of sucked, but oh well. Like I said, I didn't really have any expectations. I'd put out what was true for me, and with that the door was closed.

Thank you for everyone that has responded! WOW! A lot of information to process. If I'm honest with myself:

-I do have some guilt and don't want to leave things on a bad note. I've been through a few nasty breakups and they just seem to pointless now. Why not take the higher road and be kind/mature.

-I made sure not to address the relationship in any way. This is just post breakup items. I was making things more difficult than they needed to be and for that I want to say sorry to her

-Of course there is a huge part of me that wants to get back together with her. But I have some work to do on myself first. So, while it can't be right now (or maybe even ever) I'd like to leave it on a positive note so neither of us have a bad taste in our mouths

-I am telling myself I am doing this for me AND I am telling myself I am not expecting a response. And I do believe that. But I also know that we just broke up 2 weeks ago and it could hurt me further. But if I get it out there and go NC afterwards then I think I could live with that. I care for her deeply and just want to tell her how I feel without analyzing the relationship or making a big deal out of this stuff.

Anyways, due to the responses I'm still not decided what I want to do. I am conflicted which means I need to sit on it more

Soon as you send this you will wonder if she read it.

 

You will wonder if she what she thinks.

 

Then the possibilities of her reply or a no reply will haunt you and delay the healing process.

 

Say you sent it the possibilities are only about 4 things and the likely of each reply are determined by percentages and how the relationship was and how the break up was.

 

For example:

 

No Reply: you will wonder if she even read it. You will wonder how could she not even reply. You will wonder million other things like how can she not even say anything back when we spent so much time together and what about the good times? You will wonder did none of this matter?

 

Vague Reply: She simple wants to not really want to talk to you for whatever reason. All the above you will wonder about, instead of wondering why she didn't reply you will wonder why she sent such a short reply. How come she didn't talk about her feelings or how indifferent she is.

 

Vague Reply to let you down easy: You will read it and your mind will do tricks on you. Instead of realizing that the reply was to let you down easy with little to no conflict at all, some emotions are within the reply and then you see that as some kind of "hope", "maybe", "chance" that you could be together again in the near future. This is your mind tricking you and you end up holding onto every emotional words and statements that you read. Keeping you hooked and then delaying the process of healing once again. You will wonder "what she mean by what she said". You ultimately have to ask again and break another NC period. You will seem desperate and needy at that point and you won't even realize it.

 

Long thoughtful emotional reply: Say the break up was bad for both parties. Whatever the problem was, you will go through all of the above but she could be thinking the same thing and you end up getting back together. From experience and throughout all the posts here about break ups and everything this is a very slim case. like probably less than 1% chance.

 

Better to not send this letter.

^^^ All of this.

We fool ourselves into thinking this is just about purging and healing. Maybe it is our intention initially.

Before you know it you find yourself set back with all the what if's and scenerios that were just mentioned above.

I always write letters like this. . It feels good to get it all out. Do you for yourself and no one else. Don't send it.

^^^ All of this.

We fool ourselves into thinking this is just about purging and healing. Maybe it is our intention initially.

 

Before you know it you find yourself set back with all the what if's and scenerios that were just mentioned above.

 

I always write letters like this. . It feels good to get it all out. Do you for yourself and no one else. Don't send it.

Yeah, that's a good point. I am so confused. I thought my wording was good. Wasn't groveling/asking for a response. I 'thought' I was doing it for myself so I could end on a good note. Was important to me. But maybe it will set me back. I don't know. For now, it's probably best if I hold off. Thanks everyone.

Yeah, that's a good point. I am so confused. I thought my wording was good. Wasn't groveling/asking for a response. I 'thought' I was doing it for myself so I could end on a good note. Was important to me. But maybe it will set me back. I don't know. For now, it's probably best if I hold off. Thanks everyone.

I say this from experience. I wrote letters much like you for one reason, only to have it bite me in the azz later.

Any communication with him, even if it's one sided is a form of attachment. Or an attempt to attach.

Right now with NC the goal is to eradicate any attachment.

It's not worth it. What is most important is that you take care of yourself and not risk ANY setbacks.

Thank you for everyone that has responded! WOW! A lot of information to process. If I'm honest with myself:

 

-I do have some guilt and don't want to leave things on a bad note. I've been through a few nasty breakups and they just seem to pointless now. Why not take the higher road and be kind/mature.

 

-I made sure not to address the relationship in any way. This is just post breakup items. I was making things more difficult than they needed to be and for that I want to say sorry to her

 

-Of course there is a huge part of me that wants to get back together with her. But I have some work to do on myself first. So, while it can't be right now (or maybe even ever) I'd like to leave it on a positive note so neither of us have a bad taste in our mouths

 

-I am telling myself I am doing this for me AND I am telling myself I am not expecting a response. And I do believe that. But I also know that we just broke up 2 weeks ago and it could hurt me further. But if I get it out there and go NC afterwards then I think I could live with that. I care for her deeply and just want to tell her how I feel without analyzing the relationship or making a big deal out of this stuff.

 

Anyways, due to the responses I'm still not decided what I want to do. I am conflicted which means I need to sit on it more

Sitting on it is always good. I can't tell you how many of these moments I've had during the past 7 months of my breakup. Every time I sat on it, I was forced to confront just how much I was operating out of ego and pain, even as much as I'm someone who genuinely wants harmony in all things. But at the end of the day this really is just a time to flail. Flailing is IMPORTANT. Feel one thing one week, another the next. But just FEEL it, don't always act. Like I said in my last note to you, I waited months and months to send her something. This moment right now might just be a big tough wave you need to ride out on your own. The good note/bad note stuff will all get smoothed out in time.

If you're truly wanting to achieve peace of mind only, it's probably ok to send it.

But as one of the replies above suggested, your last two paragraphs are very clear that you're doing that to get back together or keep the door open, because you're still obviously attached. If that's the case, don't send because it most likely achieve the opposite of that.

It's been only two weeks. Don't think that you need to do something to fix this now. Leave it be for awhile and then reassess. Also, just because you're not sure is already a good enough reason not to send it.

I think this is a lovely message and I would welcome something like this after a bitter break-up. I agree with posters who suggested deleting the sentences inviting her to contact you. It’s obvious that she is welcome to do that and a written invitation just puts pressure on her because you clearly hope for it.

I would wait to send until you are feeling in a very high place energy-wise and only if you’re feeling an inner nudge to do it. And only if you can completely let it go with no expectation of a response.

Nothing leaves your life unless something better is coming. ;)

Good luck.

If i will help YOU move on, handwrite this out - then crumple it up, burn it, however you want to destroy it. It will help you get it out.

The "thank you for the opportunity to love you" is a bit thick.

She broke up with you for a reason - and if you keep trying to contact her, it will only reinforce in her mind that she made the right decision. This is only prolonging the agony for you. Focus on your own healing and improvement. She stated that you two were incompatible and i would take that as a reason to heal, move on and find someone who is a better match. The sooner that you leave her behind and don't think about sending letters, the closer you will be to that

Of course there is a huge part of me that wants to get back together with her. But I have some work to do on myself first.

the ball is 100% in her court --- you are in the phase that i had been in with an ex - wanted to go the self help route and improve so he would contact me , etc, but once you get to the point where you are making changes FOR YOU and they are lasting --- that's where the important work is. "working on myself FIRST" is not the way. "working on yourself" period -- not in order to "get her back" ---

Thank you guys. I didn't send anything out and will TRY to refrain from doing so. I guess I just wanted to end on a good note but doesn't seem like its worth it.

Thank you all. I don't know what I would do without this community. Helps so much. I'm staying strong and still doing NC while improving myself. It's been a long and rough 163 hours, 49 minutes, and 32 seconds

Cubbybear,

There is not a person alive that hasn't been through a painful breakup. We are here for you and we understand.

For your own peace of mind and healing, please don't send the letter. You express a lot of regret and said that you left her no other option as far as a breakup was concerned. You can't reverse time nor any actions that you may regret. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and move forward.

Believe me, your ex understands that you feel regret over your mistakes, whether you express that to her or not. The relationship is now over and there has been time to reflect on it. Perhaps you feel that sending the letter will give you the closure that you need. I will say that if you TRULY DONT care if she responds back in any capacity, then send the letter/email.

However, I honestly believe your feelings WILL be hurt if she doesn't acknowledge the letter, thus hurting you even more and setting you back further in your healing. That's why I recommend no contact. Don't make this any harder than it already is. Good luck to you.

Cubbybear,

Don't forget to take care of yourself while you wrestle through this--eat, sleep, workout, re-explore hobbies and interests that may have fallen by the wayside while you were deeply involved in this relationship. Healing takes time. It is not natural or easy to have a relationship suddenly terminated. But you do have friends who want to help support you through this difficult time. All the best!

Cubbybear,

 

Don't forget to take care of yourself while you wrestle through this--eat, sleep, workout, re-explore hobbies and interests that may have fallen by the wayside while you were deeply involved in this relationship. Healing takes time. It is not natural or easy to have a relationship suddenly terminated. But you do have friends who want to help support you through this difficult time. All the best!

Thanks, Edwin. Yeah, I'm doing all the cliche crap: Exercise, eating right, taking vitamins, volunteetring, journaling, reading self help books, going to therapy, moved, got a new look, got new furniture, professional networking, walking everywhere, spending time with friends etc. etc.

I know that in the long run all these things will help me but right now...it doesn't help one bit. The urge to contact her is so great.

But like I said...staying strong. It's been 3 weeks and I have not once reached out to her. All of my texts to her have been reactionary. I have not once groveled or asked for a 2nd chance. I've asked her to leave me alone but she keeps reaching out regarding mutual furniture and stuff. I keep it cordial. After I get my stuff back...I plan on blocking her from FB and my phone. And I guess that will be that :/