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Dating a woman with an ex husband and kids


Ohioguy

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I'm new to this situation and am trying to learn the boundaries. Today my gf and I went to her sons play at school and she explained to me that he has another one this evening and that his father needs to take him to it. In a disgusted voice, she explains that he probably wont bc he's selfish and will find some way out of it. She talks more about him being selfish and not a good parent. Then later she shows me their conversation with him where she had basically told him it was OK if he didn't go, Bc there was not enough notice for him.... I guess I'm finding it odd that she kind of lied to me about how she was handling the situation. She's constantly making sure he knows the school schedule by texting it to him and reminding him about what he should be doing so he doesn't have to keep track himself. But to me, will act like she's rough on him. I'm just not really sure how to talk to her about this without looking like I'm just jealous.

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Well, having been a single mother, I can tell you it's probably that she can't tell him what she really thinks. Her saying "It's ok if you don't go" was her way of keeping the peace. See, being divorced with a child is not at all easy, and dealing with an ex-spouse for the sake of the child can be HELL. You have to swallow your pride and ignore your personal feelings.

 

I think that what she's saying to you is her real feelings. I don't think she was lying to you. The fact that she showed you their conversation makes me think this even more.

 

I also think that her texting him constantly about the school schedule isn't a service to him exactly...it's more that she's making sure he's doing what he's supposed to be doing.

 

Should she be more honest with him about her feelings? Probably, yeah. But if her son is still quite young, and it sounds like he is, your GF may think it is worth it to ignore her own feelings and just deal with her ex for the sake of the little one. When the son's grown it won't matter so much.

 

As far as how to talk to her about these things, I would wait for a time when you're both in a decent mood to just bring it up casually, and to not say anything in an accusatory way, but from what I've read here in how you described your situation, I think you'll do fine.

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Yeah, I don't see where she lied to you. The child's father bugged out on her. I hope someone took the child to the evening's performance.

 

I don't know why you're jealous. She's dealing with a difficult situation and she has to do her best to include the baby daddy. It's not like she enjoys having to keep the ex involved. You either have to get over it or move on.

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Unfortunately she's not ready to date. She's in an ongoing battle with her ex. You are in the crossfire of that, not in a relationship. Basically you're an unpaid therapist and an unpaid divorce attorney. If you want to proceed in this dating situation, avoid all conversations about her ex and their custody battles. Change the subject, tell her it's best to talk to him about any of this.

She talks more about him being selfish and not a good parent. Then later she shows me their conversation with him.
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I agree with Wiseman.

 

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

 

If she is still getting all mad and up-in-arms about what he is doing or not doing, then the dust hasn’t settled yet. She still has feelings. They are just disguised as anger.

 

Now - to be fair - there will always be some level of friction when raising a child with an ex. I mean... they are an ex. On some level, they are incompatible. But if this is more of a regular occurance than a one every several months occurance, beware.

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