Grandma is keeping VERY bad company

I’m in a situation where I feel like it’s in my best interested to break off my relationship with my grandmother. I know this sounds outrageous, but she is letting a very dangerous and toxic person take over her life. I have a very solid reason to believe this woman would try and harm me, and I have a lot to lose.

For context, my mother was a bigtime partier and user, and she had an awful reputation in our family. She was wretched with my grandmother, swearing, yelling and disrespecting her on a daily basis. She was also physically and verbally abusive to my sister and I. It would have been enough if she had abused us alone, but she allowed friends and family to physically beat and publicly humiliate us. She had a coke buddy named Rhonda that she’d drink and get high with, and all this woman ever did was beat, spread rumors, and threaten me. Rhonda started the rumor that I was a prostitute and drug user at the age of 12, and family in other states believed it because they couldn’t physically see me and my mother and grandmother went along with it. My sister and I had different fathers who did not live with us, my mother hadn’t married either, but they both had visitation.

My grandmother had a best friend that she considered a sister named Dorothy. Dorothy had been known for troublemaking, gossiping, and causing chaos from long before I was born. My mother ended up catching AIDs due to her lifestyle, and was in and out of the hospital for the last few years of her life because she wasn’t taking her medication as intended. Two years before my mother died, she had a scary episode with an infection and everybody expected her to die. Before my mother went to the hospital, she showed me her paperwork (car title, life insurance, banking information), and told me NOT to show anyone where those things were, especially Dorothy. My mother hated Dorothy because my grandmother had allowed her to and spread life-altering rumors about her as a child. My mother also cursed out my grandmother and threatened her not to let Dorothy in the house at all while she was in the hospital.

The second my mother was admitted, my grandmother let Dorothy, her husband, her two daughters, Rhonda, and her entire family in the house to search my mother’s things. When they couldn’t find what they were looking for, they started asking me and I said I didn’t know. Dorothy and Rhonda told me I was a filthy , stupid and a liar. They stripped me naked in front of their husbands and Rhonda’s son and beat me with belts and dragged me down a flight of stairs. This would happen to me at least once a week, so I wasn’t fazed. It was common for me to be stripped naked in front of men and beaten by Rhonda, Dorothy and her daughters. My grandmother her sister and brother-in-law watched this and said absolutely nothing.

Thank God we had large windows and all the neighbors saw, I was friends with the girl next door and she had my dad’s phone number cause he would pick us up from JROTC sometimes. My friend next door’s parents called the police, and when they showed up every adult in the house said that I had attacked Dorothy and Rhonda, my grandmother included. My poor little sister tried to tell the police it was a lie but nobody believed her because she was a child. The police had me put my clothes on, handcuffed me, and put me in the police car. All the adults in the house freaked out because they realized they could actually get me arrested and tried to back out of their story. My dad showed up and the neighbors came over and told what happened. The police arrested Dorothy and Rhonda, my dad pressed charges, and we got a restraining order.

My grandmother and entire family resented me for getting Dorothy and Rhonda arrested. They said I lied on them, Rhonda’s husband threatened to beat me, and the entire family heard about what a dirty I was, all the sex I was having with non-existent 50-year-old men for money, all the drugs I’d sneak out the house and do, and what an absolute failure and waste of time I was. A month before this, my grandmother said something that led Dorothy to believe I held a hot iron to her face and laughed about it. Dorothy and her two daughters came separately to strip me and beat me for it in front of my grandmother and sister. When I asked my grandmother to tell them the truth, that it never happened, she pretended she couldn’t hear me. When I asked her why she lied after they left, she said she never saw anyone beat me. When my sister said that wasn’t true, she threatened to beat her. This news of the iron, and getting Rhonda and Dorothy arrested had my entire family believing I was a violent, drug addicted trainwreck at only 12 or 13 years old. Dorothy started telling the family I was skipping school, she’d say she saw me downtown with my friends nearly every day. My mother called the school and I hadn’t missed a day, but she wouldn’t say anything to Dorothy or our other relatives.

The abuse and rumors continued until my mother died when I was 15 and my sister was 9, she was in her 30’s. I was relieved when she died because I was tired of her making me feel like Rhonda meant more to her than I did. My father got custody of me, I was separated from my sister, and never interacted with that extended family or those family friends to that extent again. I ended up going off to college, getting a master’s degree, and finding an incredible job in my field. I’m doing incredibly well now, but I’m single, childless, and I struggle painfully with dating in my late 20’s. My grandmother’s personality completely changed after my mother died, and she was the closest thing I had to a mother so my sister and I clung to her regardless of the things she had let happen to us. We would visit her on weekends, and come to her house for holidays, the three of us would do Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas together.

We forgave her for all the things she had done, but she still remained best friends with Dorothy. She would also still allow people to disrespect and spread rumors about us, and she’d never defend us. My grandmother is now 82 years old and I do all that I can to care for her. I drive her to the grocery store every weekend, I’d try and visit her every night until I got a job an hour away, and I try and make all of her important doctor’s appointments. I love her very much and wanted to take care of her because she is a frail old woman, and has congestive heart failure. The years after my mother died with minimal drama were fun, we built new bonds and relationships with eachother, and she really tried to help my sister and I out. A month ago, my grandmother was rushed to the ER for an issue with her heart, lungs, and kidneys. She stayed in the hospital for weeks and had to get a heart surgery. My sister doesn’t work and was at the hospital with her twice each day. I’d drive two hours every day after work to see her for 30 minutes after visiting hours. The entire time she was telling Dorothy she hadn’t seen us and she didn’t know where we were.

A few weeks before that my grandmother and I went to the bank to put my name on her account. I didn’t realize I needed my birth certificate and social security card, so we needed to plan for another day. I forgot about it, and my grandmother put Dorothy on the account claiming I refused to do it and she didn’t trust my sister because she thought she’d steal from her. My grandmother then removed my sister and I from all of her emergency contacts at the doctors, hospitals, and at her apartment and replaced us with Dorothy. Dorothy started calling and antagonizing my sister, telling her she was worthless for not going to see my grandmother, that she needed to comb her hair, and she looked ugly. A few weeks ago, Dorothy came to my grandmother’s while we were there and started making fun of my sister in front of everyone. I got so upset, I mentioned the bank account and she needed to go with us to add my name. Dorothy freaked out and started asking why the sudden interest. She then started trying to confuse my grandmother, telling her that if I got on the account the bank would force her to get a debit card??? My grandmother hates and doesn’t understand debit cards, so saying something like that would make her not want to do it. She twisted and lied and tried to change the subject, and my grandmother let her so I backed off.

On Monday my grandmother fell and hurt her hip and had to go to the ER. She was able to get herself off the floor, and she called Dorothy. My grandmother nor Dorothy called my sister or me. I found out it happened 9:00pm when I called my grandmother. When I asked her why she didn’t tell us, she said because we wouldn’t have came so she asked Dorothy???? She thought it was funny that we were upset and started mocking us. At that moment, I got a horrible feeling that my grandmother was pretending to be loving in my face, but trashing me behind my back again to Dorothy. My grandmother’s brother died a few years ago, and Dorothy did the same thing. She took control of all his finances and told his children and grandchildren nothing. She even sent the FBI and Feds after his granddaughter claiming elder and identity abuse and social security fraud.

Dorothy would love nothing more than to destroy me, ESPECIALLY since I’ve gotten her arrested in the past. She hates my success, and was gossiping about how I think I’m better than everyone to one of my grandmother’s friends the other day. If this woman wanted to set me up, my grandmother would do anything she needed to make it happen the way she did her brother’s granddaughter. My grandmother hates my success, she wouldn’t tell me congratulations after graduations, she can’t compliment me or let anyone else compliment me, and he is annoyed by my lifestyle. I decided to tell my grandmother my concerns last night and she vehemently defended Dorothy and attacked me. She said if I didn’t trust her, she didn’t care and hung up in my face. My sister was extremely upset by this because people have blatantly disrespected all three of us and she’d sit and twiddle her thumbs, and she’d never gotten nasty with anyone in our history of knowing her. My grandmother then called me back, but I did not answer so she left a nasty voicemail saying, “Oh, so you aren’t going to pick up!” and slammed the phone down.

The only person in the entire world she would ever disrespect and get nasty with is me, she takes abuse from everyone, and since I’m very gentle with her she does not respect me. I realize I’m that prostitute and drug addict she let everyone say that I was at 12 years old to her in real life. I feel like I’m the person she values the least in the entire world, I’m the least respectable person to her in our family. If she let Dorothy do things to sabotage and hurt me when I was a kid and had nothing, why wouldn’t she do that now? It would be more fun for them now to watch me fall from grace, and to witness me losing everything. That would make my grandmother and Dorothy’s hearts sing loud as ever. I feel like they’re dangerous, especially with the way my grandmother lashed out at me for respectfully telling her how I felt. That was completely out of character for her, she’s never hung up on anyone, and my sister has literally screamed and insulted her on the phone and she did nothing. Since she said I was violent in the past, what if she says I’m abusing her somehow now? God knows what she can make up, she lies all the time and pretends she doesn’t know what’s going on.

My intuition tells me to block her number and cut contact. I have a very bad feeling about this lack of respect and value for me. She’s behaving the way she did when Dorothy was in my life as a kid, this brings back so many memories. All she does is defend Dorothy and tell me I’m wrong, am I overreacting? What do you think I should do?

Wow. I don't even know what to say except, I am so sorry for everything you had been through. There are no words.

This situation is very complicated and convoluted and has obviously been going on for decades. I see you doing the right thing by your grandmother and then getting kicked in the face for it. This Dorothy is nothing but a disaster and unfortunately is continuing her legacy through her children.

Here's the thing. If you want to keep your relationship with your grandmother, it won't be an easy one. I'm assuming you do seeing as it's probably getting towards the end of her life. But you cannot control who she spends time with, unfortunately. If only you could erase Dorothy and her family out of your lives!

I don't know if my advice is something you'd want to do, but the only suggestion I have is that you and your sister live your own lives and block out your grandmother and Dorothy. In a way, it means you can't go back because you don't want to get mixed up in the rumors, blame game, etc. The only way I can see you being happy right now is if you leave and let the background noise become exactly that - background noise.

Are you in any kind of therapy? You have been through so much and continue to be greatly affected by your grandmother and this Dorothy person. This is a problem not easily fixed, but I think if you went to therapy to start with, it will greatly help. Let a professional listen to your story and give you ideas on how to move on and deal with these issues. Other than that, I don't know what else to say except you have survived through all this, and in doing so I believe you are very strong and I think you can get through anything. Don't ever give up and make sure you talk to someone any time you need to.

I am so sorry you had to go through this!

You are right to be concerned of course. To be honest, when your gma was nice to you I think that was the anomaly... if we go by your description, who she really is is someone that allows a person into her life that is horrible to her kids and grandkids and not only goes along with it but encourages it by pitting you against each other.

It’s rare that I say that someone should break ties with their family, but in this case I think that cutting contact is a healthy decision for your sanity and wellbeing.

I agree with maew. I don't know why you even associate with any of these people. I think you've been abused for so long, you have an emotional dependency on them. Sort of like Patty Hearst and the Stockholm Syndrome where prisoners start identifying with their captors and even loving them. Maybe grandma was nice to you for a while, but Dorothy has taken over her life now. If I were you, I would move 3,000 miles away and not tell anyone where you are. I might even consider changing my name. You were tortured physically and mentally by these people and you need to get away from them for your own sake.

Protect your boundaries. It's the lesson for you to learn in this situation-- that sometimes, we have to be our own advocate. Even in the place of people who we had hoped would advocate for us.

Break contact. Find a way to do this with love for yourself and for her, and as little anger as possible. Breaking contact isn't about not loving your GM. It's about creating boundaries that recognize the practical impacts of being available to her.

You. Come. First. Always.

Thank you all so much for your responses. As an update, I asked my sister to collect my mail and ID documents from my grandmother’s house without telling her. She was upset by this and tried having a conversation with my grandmother about how this woman is ruining our relationship. My grandmother said she does not care how I feel, she’s okay with me not trusting her, she hasn’t done anything wrong, Dorothy is a wonderful and loving person, and she doesn’t care if she never sees me again because I’m pathetic which is why she hung up on me.

When my sister expressed concern that since Dorothy is in charge of her life and has the power to accuse us of harming her in some way (which she totally would), my grandmother thought it was funny. When my sister said she was upset by the way Dorothy has been insulting her, my grandmother said it wasn’t true. When my sister mentioned my grandmother was in the room a few weeks ago when Dorothy insulted her, my grandmother said she didn’t remember.

I feel like the relationship has already ended, and I should just focus on stopping all mail that goes to her house, and getting my birth certificates and social security card that she has. I don’t think I have anything else over there.

It is not Dorothy's fault your grandmother behaves this way. It is your grandmother's. This is who she is. She has always been a nasty human being who didn't bat an eye at people she let torture you, even encouraged it! She has allowed so many to abuse you mentally, physically and emotionally. While your grandmother didn't physically beat you, probably because she wasn't physically able to do it herself, she did mentally and emotionally.

You did and do not deserve all of that abuse. Not one bit! My heart goes out to you. Please treat this depraved soul as if she is already dead. Dorothy only brought out your grandmother's true self, while she was reserved after your mother died because she realized you were all she had left. If it wasn't Dorothy that brought it out in her, then it would have been someone else. Comradery brings it out, when the friend agrees with her terrible lines of thinking, whenever it suits her.

I never say this, but you should just leave her alone to let her rot. It is all she deserves and you deserve to be rid of her and her friends toxicity. Gather what you need and never see her again. Do not remain in ANY contact with her or her friends. Block them. They will only provoke you, make you feel guilty, get you in trouble with the law or family, and will pull you back into their clutches. They want you to suffer and take away all they can from you.

Honey ,your grandmother was complicit ,willingly ,in horrific horrific abuse . There is no relationship there . She allowed your mother to be abused she allowed you and your sister to be abused . Get your social insurance number and your birth certificate out of there before they ruin you completely for the rest of your life by using your ID . And then leave her to Dorothy that’s her problem . Your grandmother actually belongs in prison for child abuse .

Honey ,your grandmother was complicit ,willingly ,in horrific horrific abuse . There is no relationship there . She allowed your mother to be abused she allowed you and your sister to be abused . Get your social insurance number and your birth certificate out of there before they ruin you completely for the rest of your life by using your ID . And then leave her to Dorothy that’s her problem . Your grandmother actually belongs in prison for child abuse .

I agree 100%.