I [25 M] have been with my girlfriend for more than 2 years, but have doubts

I am 25, and I've been with my current girlfriend for 2 years and a few months. I care about her a lot and when I am feeling content and happy, I have little doubt that I love her. But whenever I have doubts about our relationship, I spiral very suddenly and very extremely into depression, and can't seem to sort out whether I really love her or if I'm just "going with the flow" and avoiding conflict. While in this depression I feel quite certainly that I'm lying to myself and perpetrating a relationship that I shouldn't be, and I start to think that the love I felt for an old friend was more genuine and "true". The problem I'm having is that because of this extreme depression, I can never tell whether these doubts cause the depression or the depression causes the doubts. If it's the latter, I know that depression can change how you feel in ways that are misleading, and maybe I should just work through the depression and that will solve my problem. But if its the former, could my relationship be causing my depression because my feelings for my girlfriend aren't enough to support a long term relationship?

It is worth noting that the feelings I had for my old friend were not physical, purely emotional, but certainly love. This old friend has expressed in the past that she would have dated me, but she has also expressed support for my current relationship. I am terrified that I'm ruining my life by staying with my current girlfriend, but equally terrified that If I leave her, I'll not only be ruining her life, but ruining something truly good in my life for no good reason. My girlfriend is amazing, kind, and beautiful, but I feel as though I'm stuck thinking that we're wrong for each other in some way. I can't think of anything significant that I dislike about her, and obviously I care about her enough to drive myself crazy worrying about this, but I can't figure out what to do.

When I'm not depressed, I have gone for long stretches of time where I barely have any doubts at all about my relationship, which makes me wonder if I do love her and I'm just sabotaging myself.

Sorry for the novel length post, but I'm thinking myself in circles here. My depression is strong enough that I have checked myself into a hospital in the past to stay safe, and that extremity of depression only began when I first starting having doubts about this relationship. I just want to go back to the stability I felt before, and feel comfortable in my own head.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you.

I’m sure you don’t want to hear this as a response, but if in the past these thoughts have led you to depression the extent of which you felt it was important to check in to a hospital to stay safe (good for you, by the way, for recognizing this and taking action!)... then I think the only responsible answer to this is to make an appointment with a therapist to explore these thoughts and feelings.

I don’t want to use the word “normal” but... let’s say it’s not typical (?) for relationship problems to lead to this level of despair. And really, it doesn’t sound like you have relationship problems per se - but rather a struggle with what you want out of life and relationships.

I would say that this is more an internal struggle than a relationship struggle.

That’s not to say that maybe this relationship is not the one for you... maybe it’s not... but I really think that a therapist would be best placed to talk you through your thoughts and emotions and give you the insight, clarity, tools and whatever other guidance they can provide.

Since my hospital fiasco last year I actually have gotten both a therapist and a regular antidepressant medication which has certainly helped some, but I'm currently in my third major depressive spiral since this struggle first started and I want to find a solution to how I'm feeling so I can return to the stability I once had. Before this relationship, and even more accurately before last year when I started having these doubts, I was not diagnosed with depression, and despite having occasional bouts with sadness or trouble finding motivation, never experienced anything therapy or medication worthy. Mental health issues this extreme are very new to me, and seemed to come on very suddenly. I'm frightened of the thought that without some resolution to my relationship issues that it could become worse, or just continue on at the extremity as it stands now.

At the same time, maybe your right, and this is a problem that lies solely within me, and not in my relationships. Focusing on helping myself first is probably the right thing to do, but I can't help but feel a sense of urgency to solve my relationship issues which seem to set off these episodes.

I'm no expert on your situation, but from what you've written, I've faced similar choices in the past. After you have been with someone for an extended period of time, it is normal to have doubts about whether or not the relationship can last indefinitely. Likely, you've been out of the honeymoon stage for awhile, and this friend of yours offers the chance for new romance again. However, I don't think simply having doubts means that your current partner is not right for you. When I have been faced with your dilemma in the past, I have always elected to stay with my significant other, because I am someone who values sustainable intimacy over the quick thrill of having a new partner. After the relationships in question ended for reasons outside of me being attracted to another person, I generally found that I lost motivation to pursue the other potential interest. If I pursued the interest as a single person, it never lived up to the fantasy in my head.

The truth is, no matter who you end up with, eventually there will be a point in every relationship where you feel a general malaise. Perhaps you and the person have stopped doing exciting new activities together, which often can result in boredom and prompt wondering if your feelings are as strong as they once were. My personal suggestion would be to make an effort to add a spark back into your relationship before simply giving up, since you did not mention any problems outside of your own personal feelings. However, only you can analyze how you truly feel about both your girlfriend and your friend. There is not always a reason for the fading of feelings - sometimes, relationships simply run their course. I caution you to be careful with jumping the gun if your current mental state is not sound, though. As you mentioned, depression can absolutely sap the pleasure from life, and I find too many people have a tendency to blame their partner for their own unhappiness.

Consider analyzing what it is about your friend that attracts you and makes you think they may offer a better relationship. It could help you identify the traits that you are seeking in a partner and shed light on whether or not your girlfriend has the qualities you desire in a lifelong mate. Good luck.

I am trying to work out what your doubts are, exactly.

Do you see your girlfriend as more of a friend than a romantic partner?

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like your heart isn't in this and you are just coasting along with complacency and inertia. However that is not as benign as you may think. In fact you are wasting her time stringing her along for your own comfort and disregarding her rights and feelings, while you stay trapped in your head and indecision. Who is this old friend you are lamenting over?

I'm lying to myself and perpetrating a relationship that I shouldn't be, and I start to think that the love I felt for an old friend was more genuine and "true".

"This old friend has expressed in the past that she would have dated me, but she has also expressed support for my current relationship."

I'm not understanding at what point this conversation happened and how it began. You are crossing relationship boundaries by remaining close friends with someone you have romantic chemistry with. When you're in an exclusive relationship, the friendship with a woman you could see as a potential gf if you were single, is not good for your present, primary relationship. And the fact that you're in an emotional affair with the "old friend" is a sign that there is something missing in the relationship with your gf.

Try putting the emotional energy and time that you've been giving to the "old friend" into your gf and maybe you will get that spark back. If you don't, even if the person is wonderful and all of the boxes are ticked, it doesn't mean you are lacking in any way. Love is intangible and sometimes what should make sense, doesn't.

If you break up, give yourself a good year to be single again and sort yourself out before dating again. Otherwise, a rebound with the old friend or anyone else will likely fail.

If your relationship is causing you this much turmoil, I would cut it off. And i would distance myself from the friend. There is no guarantee that you will date the friend if you break things off, remember that. But it may be that you need to focus on your mental health completely.