I don't know what i feel

All started when i was in the 9th grade in the 2nd semester when i had a huuge crush on a girl in my class(lets call her 'D'. I tried a few times and she was always saying 'i don't want to loose this friendship' and stuff like that, but in the end she accepted to be my girlfriend. Everything was good and nice, i started to get close to her best friend in class(lets call her 'M') as well and we were having fun. Me and 'M' once was in a trip to the sea for one week (with the school and 'D' couldn't attend) and she was staying close to me and stuff. We were so close we could talk later in the night and we were permitting stuff like sitting on her while i was laying down (referring to the trip to the sea), she was keeping my belongings safs when i was i the water and stuff like that. She was the one with the idea to buy me a small cupcake and but a candle on it for my birthday during that trip. Etc..

Until one day when 'D' decided she wanted to break up with me because i acted like an (this is after 1 and a half of being together). It was crushing for me and didn't know what to do so i talked with 'M' who calmed me down and convinced me everything was gonna be alright. Until 'D' wanted to speak with 'M' and 'M' said she already knows about the situation, and this made 'D' pretty upset.

Somehow we managed to be back together (me and 'D') and i changed from the i was. BUT i stopped keeping in touch with 'M' which was like my best friend, the person i could trust with anything. I stopped taking to her because 'D' was gealous and i was afraid of repeating that incident (i was still pretty young and inexperienced and didnt want to loose what i already had). Also now i can see clearly that she ('M') had a huge crush on me and 'D' felt it and thats why she wanted this. I am a shy guy and of fear not to happen this again i stopped talking to girls.. even if i was shy i checked my facebook chat history and i was talking to a pretty good amount of girls. I even stopped talking to girls that are not her friends like not even college girl classmates. I had once getting close to one of her friends and i could see she was a bit gealous and i stopped immediately because i really didn't want to repeat the incident from before.

During our relationship we had ups and down but we managed to deal with them.

I had, if i remember correctly 3 times when i remembered about 'M' and got kinda sad and i was missing her but i knew i couldnt do anything because mg gf ('D') wouldn't like it. Now is the 3rd time and mostly because i remember 'M' as a happy person and i kinda lack it in some moments in my relationship.

Now my problem is that i want to get back in touch with 'M' but.. i haven't spoken to her one word since 11 grade (we are currently in 2nd semester of University) and didn't see her for almost 1 year.

When i think about her my heart goes pumping like hell, but i can't say im unhappy with my relationship with 'D'.. only that i wish we had more happy moments. Me and 'D' are together for 3 and a half years and i do not intend to stop the relationship. Also opinions on my relationship with 'D' (from the facts that i wrote) are welcomed.

Also a problem of me is that because i am shy i am afraid of not finding anyone if i break up with my gf, thats a reason why i stopped doing things for this relationship.

The main problem that i need advice or some opinions is that 'M' has a boyfriend now and didn't speak or anything with her for such long time.

Is it any chance she would still want to speak with me after i stopped talking to her so abruptly?

Well, are you saying that you haven't seen M all this time, even though she was D's best friend?

Anyways, sure you can contact M and say hi, but you realize that D is going to be jealous if you do. You should also keep in mind that I doubt you're going to be with D for the next three-and-a-half years. Chances are that you'll break up at some point, so you shouldn't let your fear of this stop you from meeting and talking to other people. University can be a great way to overcome shyness and you should make as many friends as possible. If you and D just cling together without socializing, then that's a toxic relationship. You will never meet as many like-minded people in your entire life than at University.

So I guess I'm saying, yeah, say hi to M and make some other friends too. If D gets jealous and breaks up with you because of this, then the relationship wasn't destined to last.

I figured out that i wanted to talk to 'M' because i was chasing the happines that i remembered. Indeed she made me happy at that time but that doesn't mean it is a good reason to chase something that 99% is not the same and will never be.

I decided to use 'M' as motivation, as she remembered me that i could be more happy than i currently am. My motivation is that i want to be better to improve myself in pretty much any domain i can, including my shyness, starting to workout and i am heading towards an abs goal. Started reading again and i will soon start biking again (used to do that every day).

I know that its not a good idea but im gonna strive to be the best i could be for 'M' even tho im pretty sure she isnt gonna be the one but im pretty sure that if i try to be the best for 'M' i am going to be my best for any other girl.

I will stop chasing the happines of 'M', stop trying to talk to her and if our destinies are meant to be together we will meet again in the correct circumstances.

I am pretty happy with my decision but i would really like some of your opinions/advice.

It sounds like she was your muse for happier times. Continue your self-improvement plans, they'll make you feel better one way or the other.