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Thread: Called out my husband

  1. #1
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    Called out my husband

    My husband is into fishing big time. Loves the sport. He has been fishing almost every weekend since Jan. I usually don't mind as long as he makes efforts to spend time with me. My issue is this, we have a family gathering(FG), (his side of the family) coming up. I had made pre plans to go visit my family since we are out of state for the same weekend of the FG. I was told he might have a tournament that Saturday so he might not go to the FG. Well, he didn't have one so I mentioned him going to his FG, he wasn't for sure if he wanted too. He then had friends call him up and ask to come up and go fishing with him which he accepted. I figured I'd go to the FG to be respectful since I was coming down. His aunt had a chain text message about what to bring, etc so I mention what I was bring and told them "husband isn't coming, he is fishing instead." My husband is on the chain message. He text me and calls me a "a hole". I laughed, honestly. I was just being honest and didn't mean it the way he perceived it. But then he said he was really mad which made me mad so I told him he must feel guilty then. Apparently his father, who is ill, called and asked why he wasn't coming. When he came home he tried to turn the situation all on me saying, he didn't know if he was or wasn't going, that I shouldn't have said anything, etc, I told him "what do you think I would say on the day of when everyone is asking wheres husband." His friends canceled the fishing trip supposedly so now he is going. My husband lied and tried to twist his words so now I'm afriad I will look bad in front of the family since he will be coming now. How should I handle the situation because I really don't won't to call my husband a liar in front of his family (which he is) and I don't won't them thinking poorly of me. I was not in anyway trying to call my husband out. I just worded it wrong by simply saying he wouldn't be there. Poor taste on me.

  2. #2
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    Get back on the chain message and say "Good news! <Husband> will be able to make it after all!"

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I really don't won't to call my husband a liar in front of his family
    Wait, now you're concerned about incriminating him in front of his family? Look, under no circumstances should one partner call the other an ***hole... but what you did was a pretty ***hole thing to do. I don't buy for a moment that your social IQ rivals that of a toddler and didn't full on know what you were doing with your quip.

    Honestly? I'd eat crow, apologize, and ask him what he'd prefer be said. Or, better yet, let him say whatever it is he'd prefer said himself, as it probably should have been handled to begin with.

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The way I see it is, if your husband is healthy enough to be doing stuff, he should be a responsible man and be going to his family gathering, especially if his Dad is sick.

    He made plans instead to go fishing. There was no mistake about that. You mentioned it and then he got mad like a child. But truth be told, he shouldn't have been making plans to be going fishing at all when he had family obligations.

    I can't see that you did anything wrong. It wasn't a secret that he wasn't going to his FG, you simply let them know.

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  6. #5
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    I'm with Sherry on this one.

    Your husband needs more balance in his life in general, if he's spending all his free time on fishing at the expense of spending time with you and his sick father.

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    Iím with j.man on this one.

    When you replied to the thread, you basically said ďhubby isnít going because he thinks fishing is more important than youĒ.

    Is it true? Yes. Is it nice? No.

    Since itís his family, I think it was on him to handle his people. While it might have been the right thing to do to go to the FG, he is under no obligation to do so. And given the chance, he could have spun it in more palatable (but still true) ways.

    Examples:
    ďHey Dad - so you know Iím not into FGs so I think Iím going to skip this one and make it up to you in XYZ waysĒ

    You robbed him of that chance, IMO, by telling on him. Very un-partner-like of you in my opinion.

    Whether or not this was the intent, I would feel like you wanted me to go and since you werenít getting your way, you publicly shamed me. You basically took what should have been a private argument about whether or not he should go and made it public. Now, since he ultimately changed his mind, itís uncomfortable because you want to save face for both of you but the decision also needs to be public.

    I think you should apologize to everyone and simply say you were mistaken.

    To me, though, your partner is someone that should have your back and always try to showcase you in the best light. Iím not saying you have to lie for him (you could just say ďhe couldnít make itĒ and change the subject if someone presses you) - or simply not go yourself (you are invited as his partner, not as an individual. If you were divorced you certainly would not be invited).

    I DO think itís right that he should go to the FG. I donít think you handled the situation in a way that best honors and respects your partner.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do not bother with his family and enable his selfish choices and condone his calling you an ahole. Spend time with Your family and let him answer to his own family about his own choices. Simply tell them to contact him instead of you and that you have your own family thing and can't attend.
    Originally Posted by Becky87
    I had made pre plans to go visit my family. He text me and calls me a "a hole".

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Get back on the chain message and say "Good news! <Husband> will be able to make it after all!"
    Dont make a big deal out of the fact hubby is now going, just use the sentence above.

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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    Iím with j.man on this one.

    When you replied to the thread, you basically said ďhubby isnít going because he thinks fishing is more important than youĒ.

    Is it true? Yes. Is it nice? No.

    Since itís his family, I think it was on him to handle his people. While it might have been the right thing to do to go to the FG, he is under no obligation to do so. And given the chance, he could have spun it in more palatable (but still true) ways.

    Examples:
    ďHey Dad - so you know Iím not into FGs so I think Iím going to skip this one and make it up to you in XYZ waysĒ

    You robbed him of that chance, IMO, by telling on him. Very un-partner-like of you in my opinion.

    Whether or not this was the intent, I would feel like you wanted me to go and since you werenít getting your way, you publicly shamed me. You basically took what should have been a private argument about whether or not he should go and made it public. Now, since he ultimately changed his mind, itís uncomfortable because you want to save face for both of you but the decision also needs to be public.

    I think you should apologize to everyone and simply say you were mistaken.

    To me, though, your partner is someone that should have your back and always try to showcase you in the best light. Iím not saying you have to lie for him (you could just say ďhe couldnít make itĒ and change the subject if someone presses you) - or simply not go yourself (you are invited as his partner, not as an individual. If you were divorced you certainly would not be invited).

    I DO think itís right that he should go to the FG. I donít think you handled the situation in a way that best honors and respects your partner.
    All of this is only assumptions. The OP never stated she held contempt, ill will, or wanted to embarass her husband. The husband also didn't ask her to not mention his absence or that he was going fishing. She said the reason was people were going to ask her anyway while she was there, so she told the truth so they would know. The comment was in context of what they should bring to the event (in reference to the OP and her husband attending), so she clarified they both won't be coming, only her, and why. It is only natural his absence would come up at some point and family will question why. What would you have her do? Say she'll be bringing a salad while husband brings the bread, then he becomes a no show?

    I don't advocate people should cover up for their partners with lies. "He couldn't make it" is a lie because he actually could make it, he just didn't want to. Or lie by omission by changing the subject. No partner should be expected to read minds on what truths not to say. Not everyone feels comfortable lying to their partner's family and is very unfair to make them lie.

    OP, I would mention in the text hubby decided to come and leave it at that. Perhaps it will be a moment where he could do some self reflection on what he deems appropriate next time a FG is held. He chooses to be ashamed by his actions, so if he is then he should correct his own behavior. Or, better yet, perhaps he'll take responsibility for his actions next time, instead of blaming others.
    Last edited by yatsue; 05-16-2018 at 10:02 AM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Do not play social director or family dynamic buffer for your husband. Let him communicate with his own family and let him give them the excuses, indecision, etc. If they contact you, just say "he's [wherever] you can reach him on his phone". Let him answer for himself regarding his family. You need to stop trying to put him on a pedestal in the eyes of his family, when he's jerking you around and calling you an ahole.
    Originally Posted by Becky87
    I shouldn't have said anything

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