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Called out my husband


Becky87

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My husband is into fishing big time. Loves the sport. He has been fishing almost every weekend since Jan. I usually don't mind as long as he makes efforts to spend time with me. My issue is this, we have a family gathering(FG), (his side of the family) coming up. I had made pre plans to go visit my family since we are out of state for the same weekend of the FG. I was told he might have a tournament that Saturday so he might not go to the FG. Well, he didn't have one so I mentioned him going to his FG, he wasn't for sure if he wanted too. He then had friends call him up and ask to come up and go fishing with him which he accepted. I figured I'd go to the FG to be respectful since I was coming down. His aunt had a chain text message about what to bring, etc so I mention what I was bring and told them "husband isn't coming, he is fishing instead." My husband is on the chain message. He text me and calls me a "a hole". I laughed, honestly. I was just being honest and didn't mean it the way he perceived it. But then he said he was really mad which made me mad so I told him he must feel guilty then. Apparently his father, who is ill, called and asked why he wasn't coming. When he came home he tried to turn the situation all on me saying, he didn't know if he was or wasn't going, that I shouldn't have said anything, etc, I told him "what do you think I would say on the day of when everyone is asking wheres husband." His friends canceled the fishing trip supposedly so now he is going. My husband lied and tried to twist his words so now I'm afriad I will look bad in front of the family since he will be coming now. How should I handle the situation because I really don't won't to call my husband a liar in front of his family (which he is) and I don't won't them thinking poorly of me. I was not in anyway trying to call my husband out. I just worded it wrong by simply saying he wouldn't be there. Poor taste on me.

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I really don't won't to call my husband a liar in front of his family
Wait, now you're concerned about incriminating him in front of his family? Look, under no circumstances should one partner call the other an ***hole... but what you did was a pretty ***hole thing to do. I don't buy for a moment that your social IQ rivals that of a toddler and didn't full on know what you were doing with your quip.

 

Honestly? I'd eat crow, apologize, and ask him what he'd prefer be said. Or, better yet, let him say whatever it is he'd prefer said himself, as it probably should have been handled to begin with.

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The way I see it is, if your husband is healthy enough to be doing stuff, he should be a responsible man and be going to his family gathering, especially if his Dad is sick.

 

He made plans instead to go fishing. There was no mistake about that. You mentioned it and then he got mad like a child. But truth be told, he shouldn't have been making plans to be going fishing at all when he had family obligations.

 

I can't see that you did anything wrong. It wasn't a secret that he wasn't going to his FG, you simply let them know.

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I’m with j.man on this one.

 

When you replied to the thread, you basically said “hubby isn’t going because he thinks fishing is more important than you”.

 

Is it true? Yes. Is it nice? No.

 

Since it’s his family, I think it was on him to handle his people. While it might have been the right thing to do to go to the FG, he is under no obligation to do so. And given the chance, he could have spun it in more palatable (but still true) ways.

 

Examples:

“Hey Dad - so you know I’m not into FGs so I think I’m going to skip this one and make it up to you in XYZ ways”

 

You robbed him of that chance, IMO, by telling on him. Very un-partner-like of you in my opinion.

 

Whether or not this was the intent, I would feel like you wanted me to go and since you weren’t getting your way, you publicly shamed me. You basically took what should have been a private argument about whether or not he should go and made it public. Now, since he ultimately changed his mind, it’s uncomfortable because you want to save face for both of you but the decision also needs to be public.

 

I think you should apologize to everyone and simply say you were mistaken.

 

To me, though, your partner is someone that should have your back and always try to showcase you in the best light. I’m not saying you have to lie for him (you could just say “he couldn’t make it” and change the subject if someone presses you) - or simply not go yourself (you are invited as his partner, not as an individual. If you were divorced you certainly would not be invited).

 

I DO think it’s right that he should go to the FG. I don’t think you handled the situation in a way that best honors and respects your partner.

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Do not bother with his family and enable his selfish choices and condone his calling you an ahole. Spend time with Your family and let him answer to his own family about his own choices. Simply tell them to contact him instead of you and that you have your own family thing and can't attend.

I had made pre plans to go visit my family. He text me and calls me a "a hole".
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I’m with j.man on this one.

 

When you replied to the thread, you basically said “hubby isn’t going because he thinks fishing is more important than you”.

 

Is it true? Yes. Is it nice? No.

 

Since it’s his family, I think it was on him to handle his people. While it might have been the right thing to do to go to the FG, he is under no obligation to do so. And given the chance, he could have spun it in more palatable (but still true) ways.

 

Examples:

“Hey Dad - so you know I’m not into FGs so I think I’m going to skip this one and make it up to you in XYZ ways”

 

You robbed him of that chance, IMO, by telling on him. Very un-partner-like of you in my opinion.

 

Whether or not this was the intent, I would feel like you wanted me to go and since you weren’t getting your way, you publicly shamed me. You basically took what should have been a private argument about whether or not he should go and made it public. Now, since he ultimately changed his mind, it’s uncomfortable because you want to save face for both of you but the decision also needs to be public.

 

I think you should apologize to everyone and simply say you were mistaken.

 

To me, though, your partner is someone that should have your back and always try to showcase you in the best light. I’m not saying you have to lie for him (you could just say “he couldn’t make it” and change the subject if someone presses you) - or simply not go yourself (you are invited as his partner, not as an individual. If you were divorced you certainly would not be invited).

 

I DO think it’s right that he should go to the FG. I don’t think you handled the situation in a way that best honors and respects your partner.

 

All of this is only assumptions. The OP never stated she held contempt, ill will, or wanted to embarass her husband. The husband also didn't ask her to not mention his absence or that he was going fishing. She said the reason was people were going to ask her anyway while she was there, so she told the truth so they would know. The comment was in context of what they should bring to the event (in reference to the OP and her husband attending), so she clarified they both won't be coming, only her, and why. It is only natural his absence would come up at some point and family will question why. What would you have her do? Say she'll be bringing a salad while husband brings the bread, then he becomes a no show?

 

I don't advocate people should cover up for their partners with lies. "He couldn't make it" is a lie because he actually could make it, he just didn't want to. Or lie by omission by changing the subject. No partner should be expected to read minds on what truths not to say. Not everyone feels comfortable lying to their partner's family and is very unfair to make them lie.

 

OP, I would mention in the text hubby decided to come and leave it at that. Perhaps it will be a moment where he could do some self reflection on what he deems appropriate next time a FG is held. He chooses to be ashamed by his actions, so if he is then he should correct his own behavior. Or, better yet, perhaps he'll take responsibility for his actions next time, instead of blaming others.

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Agree. Do not play social director or family dynamic buffer for your husband. Let him communicate with his own family and let him give them the excuses, indecision, etc. If they contact you, just say "he's [wherever] you can reach him on his phone". Let him answer for himself regarding his family. You need to stop trying to put him on a pedestal in the eyes of his family, when he's jerking you around and calling you an ahole.

I shouldn't have said anything
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work it out between you two.

 

tell the family as little as possible, laugh it off as in, "what do i know?" if asked.

 

work on your relationship if the fishing and limited family time has you feeling a certain way.

 

little cracks can lead to bigger problems, if communication is lacking.

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Thank you all for your advise: In regards to @IJAM What I meant was I didnt want him to call me a liar about what I had said to make me look bad in front of our family. I'm not a confrontational person. My intent was pure fact, straight to the point. No ill will. @reddress He was NEVER coming, he made it clear up until his father called. He changed his story and twisted it so he didnt look bad. He tried telling me that wasnt what he said. I handle the family affairs becasue he doesn't. He had plenty of opportunity to explain himself to his family, he received the same messages I did. He could have privately called his dad. I never cared that he wasnt coming and nor was being childish about it. I was not being ugly, or ill will when I responded with the truth not thinking my husband would take it personally. My husband is not family orientated which leaves that burden on me to make sure we attend his family functions to know when they are and bring food.

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So this is his family event. He told you he isn't going. You also mentioned that you had your own family to attend to. So why on earth are you still getting involved with his family event? You had no business both in terms of going to it and in terms of calling your husband out and telling everyone he'd rather be fishing. I think that you would be wise to actually back off these things and let your husband actually be an adult and decide which of his family events you'll BOTH attend and which you will not. Ultimately, ill will or not, what you said was really wrong and inappropriate. You are overstepping your boundaries as a spouse and that is a bigger problem.

 

Personally, it looks to me like you have bigger issues in your marriage brewing than just this particular spat. If he is not family oriented, it's because he doesn't want to be. You don't seem to respect that or compromise with him sufficiently so he is escaping into fishing.

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Does he have a habit of throwing you under the bus to polish his own image? Stop handling his family. Stop controlling everything. Stop mommying him. Stop being a martyr and victim of his actions or inertia. If he looks like scum to his family that's on him. They have his contact info.

He changed his story and twisted it so he didnt look bad. My husband is not family orientated which leaves that burden on me to make sure we attend his family functions to know when they are and bring food.
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So this is his family event. He told you he isn't going. You also mentioned that you had your own family to attend to. So why on earth are you still getting involved with his family event? You had no business both in terms of going to it and in terms of calling your husband out and telling everyone he'd rather be fishing. I think that you would be wise to actually back off these things and let your husband actually be an adult and decide which of his family events you'll BOTH attend and which you will not. Ultimately, ill will or not, what you said was really wrong and inappropriate. You are overstepping your boundaries as a spouse and that is a bigger problem.

 

Personally, it looks to me like you have bigger issues in your marriage brewing than just this particular spat. If he is not family oriented, it's because he doesn't want to be. You don't seem to respect that or compromise with him sufficiently so he is escaping into fishing.

Yikes!!! You are in far left field. He has been fishing his entire life long before me. His fishing is not an escape but it is his sport. I am very close with his family. Which we are always in commication. We perceive each other as family, not just my husbands family.

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Does he have a habit of throwing you under the bus to polish his own image? Stop handling his family. Stop controlling everything. Stop mommying him. Stop being a martyr and victim of his actions or inertia. If he looks like scum to his family that's on him. They have his contact info.

@wiseman no he actually does not. But he did in this case because I assume he doesn't want to look bad because he felt guilty about not coming. I am close with his family but I can let him take the lead on his family affsirs. I have no problem with that I just always end up being the one to take the lead on it. I just don't want it to reflect negative towards me. And yes they do have his contaxt info but they include me so I feel obligated. I'm a peace keeper by nature.

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In regards to @IJAM What I meant was I didnt want him to call me a liar about what I had said to make me look bad in front of our family. I'm not a confrontational person. My intent was pure fact, straight to the point. No ill will.
Dude, your thread title is "Called out my husband." Not "stated a pure fact" or even "husband feels I called him out." I think anyone, including yourself, denying or doubting that either is severely intellectually discounting you or actually believes you were calling him out, but he simply deserved it. If roles were reversed and the husband told your family over a chain text, "She's not going because she's getting a pedicure," he'd get laughed off the forum just as the good Lord would intend he be.

 

My husband is not family orientated which leaves that burden on me to make sure we attend his family functions to know when they are and bring food.
No, you actually don't. Your husband, you admit, is not family oriented. That's who you married. That void is innate and it's not something you're required to fill on his behalf. If he were in fact family oriented and your negotiated spousal role was facilitate that positive orientation, that'd be one thing. But you admit that's not the case.

 

I think there's a whole lot of projection going on where we feel we're in a better position to weigh the social-emotional benefit of attending FGs against traditional familial obligations to do so than the guy who's actually a member of that family. I don't know how to describe that other than "absurd." Personally? I attend every birthday, first communion, barbecue, holiday, whatever party that I can. I'm extremely family oriented. But I'm me and my family's my family, and that bond is entirely self-sustaining. I count myself fortunate in that regard. There are others who don't share in that.

 

Fact is your husband hasn't thrown you under the bus. You threw yourself under it. You spoke on his behalf without his solicitation and now he's going to the party you said he wasn't going to. Even if not an intentional lie, your intent to express a "pure fact" seems it will ironically run directly counter to itself. If you didn't factor in essentially telling his family he's not going because "Yeah, he doesn't want to" very likely provoking him into saving face, I don't know what to tell you.

 

That said, while I agree with 99.5% of DF's sentiment, I actually don't think it, on its own, is indicative of a terribly big problem (but that's just my assumption against hers). I think you might harbor some resentment over his fishing and impulsively took the opportunity to have his family share in the sentiment. You admit it was in poor taste, and now with him going, you've shot yourself in the foot. Just learn the lesson. Let him be the one to deal with qualifying his absences to his family. Really, it seems you yourself were given three different potential outcomes between "fishing competition," "still might not go after I didn't make it into the competition," and "my friends invited me," so you've honestly got just as little reason to be certain of what he'll be up to as anyone else who's not him-- and perhaps even including him. It'd be very simple and not even a lie to say, "I'm not certain what he'll have going on that day, so you'll have to ask him." Let him handle his own family boundaries and make your life a bit easier in the process. Doesn't have to be a tremendously big deal.

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Whenever I wanted my husband to do something he didn't want to do, I'd "let it slip" to his mom, knowing she'd get on him. Yep, I did. And it wasn't "stating pure fact", it was me enlisting his mom because he wasn't listening to me. It wasn't cool because I should have handled it myself, but my young 20-s immature self resorted to this method because it worked. But it sure wasn't mature OR nice.

 

Were you hoping his family would put some pressure on him to attend?

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If my husband said he wasn't going to the FG because he was going fishing then I would have told the people in the chain text that he wasn't going to be at the FG because he had plans to go fishing.

 

Your husband, if he wasn't kidding, IMO was out of line to call you a Ahole. You simply told the truth and all that needs to be done now is what was suggested in that you get back on the chain text and say "good news, the fishing trip was cancelled so hubby will be joining us" If hubby brings up his displeasure again then kindly explain to him that if he's not going to a family event, for any reason in the future, you will be telling his family that he won't be there, if when you're texting, he hasn't already done it. IF he won't be going. It's common courtesy to tell the host who will and who will not be attending ( in our world. )

 

The whole situation was turned from a wee mole hill into a giant mountain.

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Becky, I know where you're coming from, honestly. I have been quite close to my partners family as well and they would have asked me straight out if we were coming and so on. What are you meant to say? You don't want to look like a liar to the family and yet you don't want your husband mad at you.

Rock and hard place.

You can't exactly ignore his family and go do your own thing,...that's ridiculous. They (by marriage) become your family and obligation too. It might be different if you were dating, but seeing as you're married you have obligations to them and they were expecting you both to come.

I still say you didn't do anything wrong.

Your husband put you in a bad position.

Ignoring the message in the chain message wasn't an option, so yes, you were stuck in not so great a position.

 

I think your husband needs to stop being a little boy and take his own family obligations more seriously and needs to stop playing around. Him calling you an a-hole was more proof on how immature he is. After all, HE created the situation, not you.

 

Do what you can to work this out with your husband, hopefully he will grow up. And maybe it's best to ask him to please speak to his family directly in the future regarding get togethers, however, again I know how that can be if he doesn't answer them and they come to you asking for an answer.

Tough spot to be in.

I hope things are going okay.

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"Rob might have something going on that day, so you'll have to ask him." Or, even better, considering he was in the same group text, let him respond. If your hands really get that fidgety if he takes awhile, have a side chat with him about your own threshold before very potentially burning some bridges for the sake of being able to smirk. He may not have even lied to them but simply been able to approach it in a way he knew would fly over better with his family.

 

Easy as pie. Not a single person has suggested she lie. Had she been asked, "What's Rob doing that Sunday," while I would still consider it a far better practice to defer to him, I've never faulted anyone for giving a direct answer to a direct question. But, married or not, you should stay in your lane when it comes to an individual's boundaries in relation to their family dynamics, just as much for your marriage's relations to the family as for his own. And certainly as posters who have absolutely no idea what his family dynamics and history is, we should stay in ours before dictating what he's "obligated" to with regard to his family.

 

Further, do you know what's really telling? Homegirl's upset that he's actually going to attend and that her cute little quip won't turn out to be true. With boltrun's situation, as immature as she even admits it was, I can at least somewhaaaaat? respect it as there was actual intent to motivate her then-husband to fulfill what many are dictating is an obligation. But the OP's upset, and I quote, because "I'm going to look bad since he will be coming now." Now I can only speculate as to what she was hoping would result from this fantasy of showing up to his family's party as the poor lonely wife, but I'm sure it was worthy of an episode of Gossip Girl.

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You could be right Jman, but if so, that sure colors OP in a very bad light. Would border on evil. I don't think she's trying to start upsets? But then again, I am going on assumptions too.

 

Thing is though, if the Aunt asked right out and said.."Hey are you and husband coming?" Then what can you say? Yes, I am but not sure on husband, and then question will follow, "well why isn't husband coming?" You could easily say, "well ask him"..but it might come off as snarky or evasive.

Then if you ignore completely, family will wonder what your problem is.

All I am saying is, it's not always black and white as you've suggested especially if family wants answers.

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I have a feeling that Op has to do a lot when it comes to her husband's family. Not just say who will and won't be attending family functions. If that's the case then you can't blame her for saying who would and who wouldn't be attending since the hubby just differs that sort of thing to her. I also have a feeling that her husband is a lot like mine in that she buys any gifts for his parents or other members from his side of the family. If that's the case, then again, it's understandable that she would speak for him. He did say, after all that he wouldn't be going.

 

Op: DO you do a lot for your husband when it comes to his obligations towards his side of the family?

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Exactly Thatwas....it's what I was trying to get at. If the wife has always been the one who talks with the family and buys the Mothers/Fathers Day presents and has to make the efforts because the husband can't be bothered, then it makes sense how this situation went.

 

Been there, done that...rock and hard place. ;)

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