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Thread: Called out my husband

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Becky, I know where you're coming from, honestly. I have been quite close to my partners family as well and they would have asked me straight out if we were coming and so on. What are you meant to say? You don't want to look like a liar to the family and yet you don't want your husband mad at you.
    Rock and hard place.
    You can't exactly ignore his family and go do your own thing,...that's ridiculous. They (by marriage) become your family and obligation too. It might be different if you were dating, but seeing as you're married you have obligations to them and they were expecting you both to come.
    I still say you didn't do anything wrong.
    Your husband put you in a bad position.
    Ignoring the message in the chain message wasn't an option, so yes, you were stuck in not so great a position.

    I think your husband needs to stop being a little boy and take his own family obligations more seriously and needs to stop playing around. Him calling you an a-hole was more proof on how immature he is. After all, HE created the situation, not you.

    Do what you can to work this out with your husband, hopefully he will grow up. And maybe it's best to ask him to please speak to his family directly in the future regarding get togethers, however, again I know how that can be if he doesn't answer them and they come to you asking for an answer.
    Tough spot to be in.
    I hope things are going okay.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    "Rob might have something going on that day, so you'll have to ask him." Or, even better, considering he was in the same group text, let him respond. If your hands really get that fidgety if he takes awhile, have a side chat with him about your own threshold before very potentially burning some bridges for the sake of being able to smirk. He may not have even lied to them but simply been able to approach it in a way he knew would fly over better with his family.

    Easy as pie. Not a single person has suggested she lie. Had she been asked, "What's Rob doing that Sunday," while I would still consider it a far better practice to defer to him, I've never faulted anyone for giving a direct answer to a direct question. But, married or not, you should stay in your lane when it comes to an individual's boundaries in relation to their family dynamics, just as much for your marriage's relations to the family as for his own. And certainly as posters who have absolutely no idea what his family dynamics and history is, we should stay in ours before dictating what he's "obligated" to with regard to his family.

    Further, do you know what's really telling? Homegirl's upset that he's actually going to attend and that her cute little quip won't turn out to be true. With boltrun's situation, as immature as she even admits it was, I can at least somewhaaaaat? respect it as there was actual intent to motivate her then-husband to fulfill what many are dictating is an obligation. But the OP's upset, and I quote, because "I'm going to look bad since he will be coming now." Now I can only speculate as to what she was hoping would result from this fantasy of showing up to his family's party as the poor lonely wife, but I'm sure it was worthy of an episode of Gossip Girl.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You could be right Jman, but if so, that sure colors OP in a very bad light. Would border on evil. I don't think she's trying to start upsets? But then again, I am going on assumptions too.

    Thing is though, if the Aunt asked right out and said.."Hey are you and husband coming?" Then what can you say? Yes, I am but not sure on husband, and then question will follow, "well why isn't husband coming?" You could easily say, "well ask him"..but it might come off as snarky or evasive.
    Then if you ignore completely, family will wonder what your problem is.
    All I am saying is, it's not always black and white as you've suggested especially if family wants answers.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I have a feeling that Op has to do a lot when it comes to her husband's family. Not just say who will and won't be attending family functions. If that's the case then you can't blame her for saying who would and who wouldn't be attending since the hubby just differs that sort of thing to her. I also have a feeling that her husband is a lot like mine in that she buys any gifts for his parents or other members from his side of the family. If that's the case, then again, it's understandable that she would speak for him. He did say, after all that he wouldn't be going.

    Op: DO you do a lot for your husband when it comes to his obligations towards his side of the family?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Exactly Thatwas....it's what I was trying to get at. If the wife has always been the one who talks with the family and buys the Mothers/Fathers Day presents and has to make the efforts because the husband can't be bothered, then it makes sense how this situation went.

    Been there, done that...rock and hard place. ;)

  7. #26
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How would husband look 'good' for labelling his wife a liar? It's kind of missing the point after you've already behaved as a passive-aggressive tattle tale, so either way, you both already come off as juvenile.

    You had the option to say, "I can't speak for Joe, he's trying to rearrange a prior commitment. I'll be happy to bring the tuna casserole, and I look forward to seeing you all there."

    We all get to decide whether to address our resentments with a partner face on, or to come out sideways and show them to the world. No matter how you slice it, our choices have either private or public consequences.

  8. #27
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    @Sherrysher Yes, exactly!! And hell no I am not trying to start anything. I feel like some people are stretching what I have ask advise on. I was never meaning to be passive aggressive or being a tattle tale. We actually had a "normal" marriage argument over it when he came home. ( I'm saying that because someone will try and manipulate that) His point was he didnt know for sure if he was or wasn't. But the truth is he was never coming and only changed his mind when he spoke with his father on the same day after sending that text, shortly after. Yes, I am the wife that takes care of the gift giving, food giving, etc for both our families. His family is my family too and I love them just like my family. I'm just hurt my husband lied. When he spoke with his dad he could have easily said "No I had made plans." But instead got mad at me. He had plenty of opportunity to address his family but he leaves it up to me. So yes I did tell them he was going fishing, not that it was a big deal. I wasn't trying to be an a-hole about it but he felt I was. I thank you all for you advise on what specifically ask. I will laugh it off and say I misunderstood and let it go. And he can deal with his family affairs from now on. As for some of the others advise, you are far fetch, digging a whole to China and thats a very long journey.
    Last edited by Becky87; 05-17-2018 at 11:54 AM.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He doesn't leave it to you, unfortunately you have decided to take it on. This is a much better, lower conflict approach:
    Originally Posted by Becky87
    And he can deal,with his family affairs from know on.

  10. #29
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    @wiseman2 I agree.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Unless Becky is anything like me...when Mothers day or Fathers Day is approaching and I know no gift has been bought for partners parent, *I* feel guilt and eventually buy something. Not for partners sake but so the parent won't be hurt.
    Yes, you could just leave it but it's not great for anyone.

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