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Thread: Called out my husband

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    work it out between you two.

    tell the family as little as possible, laugh it off as in, "what do i know?" if asked.

    work on your relationship if the fishing and limited family time has you feeling a certain way.

    little cracks can lead to bigger problems, if communication is lacking.

  2. #12
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    Thank you all for your advise: In regards to @IJAM What I meant was I didnt want him to call me a liar about what I had said to make me look bad in front of our family. I'm not a confrontational person. My intent was pure fact, straight to the point. No ill will. @reddress He was NEVER coming, he made it clear up until his father called. He changed his story and twisted it so he didnt look bad. He tried telling me that wasnt what he said. I handle the family affairs becasue he doesn't. He had plenty of opportunity to explain himself to his family, he received the same messages I did. He could have privately called his dad. I never cared that he wasnt coming and nor was being childish about it. I was not being ugly, or ill will when I responded with the truth not thinking my husband would take it personally. My husband is not family orientated which leaves that burden on me to make sure we attend his family functions to know when they are and bring food.
    Last edited by Becky87; 05-16-2018 at 10:57 AM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So this is his family event. He told you he isn't going. You also mentioned that you had your own family to attend to. So why on earth are you still getting involved with his family event? You had no business both in terms of going to it and in terms of calling your husband out and telling everyone he'd rather be fishing. I think that you would be wise to actually back off these things and let your husband actually be an adult and decide which of his family events you'll BOTH attend and which you will not. Ultimately, ill will or not, what you said was really wrong and inappropriate. You are overstepping your boundaries as a spouse and that is a bigger problem.

    Personally, it looks to me like you have bigger issues in your marriage brewing than just this particular spat. If he is not family oriented, it's because he doesn't want to be. You don't seem to respect that or compromise with him sufficiently so he is escaping into fishing.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Does he have a habit of throwing you under the bus to polish his own image? Stop handling his family. Stop controlling everything. Stop mommying him. Stop being a martyr and victim of his actions or inertia. If he looks like scum to his family that's on him. They have his contact info.
    Originally Posted by Becky87
    He changed his story and twisted it so he didnt look bad. My husband is not family orientated which leaves that burden on me to make sure we attend his family functions to know when they are and bring food.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    So this is his family event. He told you he isn't going. You also mentioned that you had your own family to attend to. So why on earth are you still getting involved with his family event? You had no business both in terms of going to it and in terms of calling your husband out and telling everyone he'd rather be fishing. I think that you would be wise to actually back off these things and let your husband actually be an adult and decide which of his family events you'll BOTH attend and which you will not. Ultimately, ill will or not, what you said was really wrong and inappropriate. You are overstepping your boundaries as a spouse and that is a bigger problem.

    Personally, it looks to me like you have bigger issues in your marriage brewing than just this particular spat. If he is not family oriented, it's because he doesn't want to be. You don't seem to respect that or compromise with him sufficiently so he is escaping into fishing.
    Yikes!!! You are in far left field. He has been fishing his entire life long before me. His fishing is not an escape but it is his sport. I am very close with his family. Which we are always in commication. We perceive each other as family, not just my husbands family.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Does he have a habit of throwing you under the bus to polish his own image? Stop handling his family. Stop controlling everything. Stop mommying him. Stop being a martyr and victim of his actions or inertia. If he looks like scum to his family that's on him. They have his contact info.
    @wiseman no he actually does not. But he did in this case because I assume he doesn't want to look bad because he felt guilty about not coming. I am close with his family but I can let him take the lead on his family affsirs. I have no problem with that I just always end up being the one to take the lead on it. I just don't want it to reflect negative towards me. And yes they do have his contaxt info but they include me so I feel obligated. I'm a peace keeper by nature.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Becky87
    In regards to @IJAM What I meant was I didnt want him to call me a liar about what I had said to make me look bad in front of our family. I'm not a confrontational person. My intent was pure fact, straight to the point. No ill will.
    Dude, your thread title is "Called out my husband." Not "stated a pure fact" or even "husband feels I called him out." I think anyone, including yourself, denying or doubting that either is severely intellectually discounting you or actually believes you were calling him out, but he simply deserved it. If roles were reversed and the husband told your family over a chain text, "She's not going because she's getting a pedicure," he'd get laughed off the forum just as the good Lord would intend he be.

    My husband is not family orientated which leaves that burden on me to make sure we attend his family functions to know when they are and bring food.
    No, you actually don't. Your husband, you admit, is not family oriented. That's who you married. That void is innate and it's not something you're required to fill on his behalf. If he were in fact family oriented and your negotiated spousal role was facilitate that positive orientation, that'd be one thing. But you admit that's not the case.

    I think there's a whole lot of projection going on where we feel we're in a better position to weigh the social-emotional benefit of attending FGs against traditional familial obligations to do so than the guy who's actually a member of that family. I don't know how to describe that other than "absurd." Personally? I attend every birthday, first communion, barbecue, holiday, whatever party that I can. I'm extremely family oriented. But I'm me and my family's my family, and that bond is entirely self-sustaining. I count myself fortunate in that regard. There are others who don't share in that.

    Fact is your husband hasn't thrown you under the bus. You threw yourself under it. You spoke on his behalf without his solicitation and now he's going to the party you said he wasn't going to. Even if not an intentional lie, your intent to express a "pure fact" seems it will ironically run directly counter to itself. If you didn't factor in essentially telling his family he's not going because "Yeah, he doesn't want to" very likely provoking him into saving face, I don't know what to tell you.

    That said, while I agree with 99.5% of DF's sentiment, I actually don't think it, on its own, is indicative of a terribly big problem (but that's just my assumption against hers). I think you might harbor some resentment over his fishing and impulsively took the opportunity to have his family share in the sentiment. You admit it was in poor taste, and now with him going, you've shot yourself in the foot. Just learn the lesson. Let him be the one to deal with qualifying his absences to his family. Really, it seems you yourself were given three different potential outcomes between "fishing competition," "still might not go after I didn't make it into the competition," and "my friends invited me," so you've honestly got just as little reason to be certain of what he'll be up to as anyone else who's not him-- and perhaps even including him. It'd be very simple and not even a lie to say, "I'm not certain what he'll have going on that day, so you'll have to ask him." Let him handle his own family boundaries and make your life a bit easier in the process. Doesn't have to be a tremendously big deal.

  9. #18
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    Whenever I wanted my husband to do something he didn't want to do, I'd "let it slip" to his mom, knowing she'd get on him. Yep, I did. And it wasn't "stating pure fact", it was me enlisting his mom because he wasn't listening to me. It wasn't cool because I should have handled it myself, but my young 20-s immature self resorted to this method because it worked. But it sure wasn't mature OR nice.

    Were you hoping his family would put some pressure on him to attend?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    unfortunately meddling this much never keeps the peace, as you have seen.
    Originally Posted by Becky87
    I'm a peace keeper by nature.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If my husband said he wasn't going to the FG because he was going fishing then I would have told the people in the chain text that he wasn't going to be at the FG because he had plans to go fishing.

    Your husband, if he wasn't kidding, IMO was out of line to call you a Ahole. You simply told the truth and all that needs to be done now is what was suggested in that you get back on the chain text and say "good news, the fishing trip was cancelled so hubby will be joining us" If hubby brings up his displeasure again then kindly explain to him that if he's not going to a family event, for any reason in the future, you will be telling his family that he won't be there, if when you're texting, he hasn't already done it. IF he won't be going. It's common courtesy to tell the host who will and who will not be attending ( in our world. )

    The whole situation was turned from a wee mole hill into a giant mountain.

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