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He doesn’t read my message for 12+ hours


FirstDates

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Okay,

 

I’m going to call this guy Jay. Jay checked out my profile on EHarmony. But by the time I returned to my profile almost 2 weeks had passed.

 

I sent Jay a message because we have a ton in common.

 

We have been messaging back and forth for 5 days now. At first his responses were hours apart. We trade maximum 1-2 messages a day. Always balanced in length and questions.

 

It might be because it is mid week now, instead of the weekend, but it often takes far more than 12 hours to hear back from Jay.

 

Example, if I reply at 6:00 AM to a message he sent at 10:00 PM, I likely don’t hear back until 9:00PM and the message will be unread all that time.

 

I’ve heard people say not to read into messaging intervals but I’ve also heard people say it reflects interest...

 

All I can think is that maybe he isn’t that interested. I also messaged him first which also camouflages his interest level.

 

I know you will all want me to chill. I get all in my head. Mainly I just want peace of mind :)

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Well what if he can say the same of you.

 

You don’t read his messages for 8 hours.

 

Also, you weren’t active for two weeks.

 

Also, maybe he’s bored of messaging.

 

 

Stop over thinking.

 

I wondered if this would come up. I wouldn’t care if he were silent for 10 PM to 6 AM — I’d assume he was sleeping :)

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You are waaaaayyyyy over thinking. You are trading messages via this dating site. This means he is not logging except at times that he does and then he responds. Do not expect a stranger you've never even met to be all into you. Only psychos act like that. What he is doing is actually normal. Arrange a meet and greet, aka coffee or drinks, in real life and see if there is enough chemistry to warrant an actual date in the future. Messaging and all these online exchanges mean exactly nothing until you meet face to face and decide mutually that there is enough real life attraction to proceed.

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Hey Firstdates,

 

I can't really speculate as to Jay's specific circumstances, but I recently decided to actively scale back my text or message interactions with people I am interested in. I have traditionally been extremely chatty and talkative over text, (and I still am with friends) but I have realised this hasn't served me well in forming romantic relationships - it is too difficult to convey intent or interest through text without stuff like body language or tone. Not only that, but I realised that the notion of 'getting to know someone over text BEFORE the first date' is actually very new and I'd much rather learn about someone face to face. I do still reply relatively fast to text messages, usually within 2 hours, but thats because I can given my circumstances. I don't really worry too much about someone reply to me (although, conversely, if someone took a day or more to reply to an invitation, they may find I have made other plans in the mean time).

 

My overall point is that given there was a long time between his initial message and your reply, and the way the conversation seems to taper off over text, if you are interested set up a coffee date or something.

 

Hope that helps,

 

T

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My first thought? He's not as interested as you would like him to be. People take their phones with them everywhere, it takes two seconds to look at a message and reply.

You could be at work or on a break or whatever, and if you are into this person, you'll reply. 12 hours? Nah...he's not into it.

Or there could be other possibilities that are just as real, he's talking to more than just you, or he's married.

 

If you need to be asking if he's interested, then yes, something is off.

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Hey Firstdates,

 

I can't really speculate as to Jay's specific circumstances, but I recently decided to actively scale back my text or message interactions with people I am interested in. I have traditionally been extremely chatty and talkative over text, (and I still am with friends) but I have realised this hasn't served me well in forming romantic relationships - it is too difficult to convey intent or interest through text without stuff like body language or tone. Not only that, but I realised that the notion of 'getting to know someone over text BEFORE the first date' is actually very new and I'd much rather learn about someone face to face. I do still reply relatively fast to text messages, usually within 2 hours, but thats because I can given my circumstances. I don't really worry too much about someone reply to me (although, conversely, if someone took a day or more to reply to an invitation, they may find I have made other plans in the mean time).

 

My overall point is that given there was a long time between his initial message and your reply, and the way the conversation seems to taper off over text, if you are interested set up a coffee date or something.

 

Hope that helps,

 

T

 

Thanks T,

 

I should clarify. I messaged him, the lag was when he visited my page. He did not message me until I messaged him.

 

Thanks, yes I would like to meet him for coffee. I am hoping he will suggest it.

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My first thought? He's not as interested as you would like him to be. People take their phones with them everywhere, it takes two seconds to look at a message and reply.

You could be at work or on a break or whatever, and if you are into this person, you'll reply. 12 hours? Nah...he's not into it.

Or there could be other possibilities that are just as real, he's talking to more than just you, or he's married.

 

If you need to be asking if he's interested, then yes, something is off.

 

 

This is exactly what I’m feeling. :(

But then I’m just basing everything off of how I am when I’m interested in getting to know someone :)

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12+ hours is a heck of a long time, especially when the majority of people have their phones on them at all times. So yes, you've got reason to wonder.

 

Okay, he just replied and his reply was super positive, lots of exclamation marks but no question back...

 

Ugh. :(

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Okay, he just replied and his reply was super positive, lots of exclamation marks but no question back...

 

Ugh. :(

 

Suggest meeting for coffee!

 

Do you think the man is "supposed" to suggest meeting in person? If so, why?

 

PS: I don't have my phone on me at all times. In fact, I'm not entirely sure where it is right now. Somewhere at home, I'm sure. One of my closest friends sent me a Happy New Year message and I didn't see it for 2 weeks :/

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I would say, be cautious. I know it's not always the mans place to ask for a date first, but it sure would have been nice if he suggested it. He doesn't seem to be wanting to do more than chat.

I personally would wonder if he is multi dating or not. Anyone dating these days needs to be cautious as to whom they are talking with.

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Suggest meeting for coffee!

 

Do you think the man is "supposed" to suggest meeting in person? If so, why?

 

PS: I don't have my phone on me at all times. In fact, I'm not entirely sure where it is right now. Somewhere at home, I'm sure. One of my closest friends sent me a Happy New Year message and I didn't see it for 2 weeks :/

 

Thanks boltnrun,

 

I appreciate your input. I guess I’ve just been feeling like I’m driving this (I messaged first)... I suppose I could ask him for coffee but then I’ll still be questioning if he is even interested at all.

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Hey FirstDates,

 

He may be absolutely into you but you own messages have him confused for some spurious reason; he may even be posting on some forum somewhere asking "What the ~ does this mean?" He may be unsure how interested he is based on still photos and a few texts. He may just be useless at messaging, but a charming conversationalist. As some people point out he may be married, or 'multi-dating' (seems a bit trust-issuey to jump to this conclusion based on 5 days of texting). On the other hand, You may not be interested after meeting him in person. Or you may fall madly in love.

 

The only thing we know for sure, is that it's for you to decide whether your interest is worth risking the brief sting of rejection, or if it's just better to sit on your hands and wait til the next fellow catches your attention.

 

T

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I agree with you Firstdates, if you messaged first it wouldn't feel great to have to also ask for a proper date.

 

If he doesn't come around to asking, move on. There are plenty of other men on dating sites who will show you proper attention. You should never have to wait around and hope and pray like this.

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Hey FirstDates,

 

He may be absolutely into you but you own messages have him confused for some spurious reason; he may even be posting on some forum somewhere asking "What the ~ does this mean?" He may be unsure how interested he is based on still photos and a few texts. He may just be useless at messaging, but a charming conversationalist. As some people point out he may be married, or 'multi-dating' (seems a bit trust-issuey to jump to this conclusion based on 5 days of texting). On the other hand, You may not be interested after meeting him in person. Or you may fall madly in love.

 

The only thing we know for sure, is that it's for you to decide whether your interest is worth risking the brief sting of rejection, or if it's just better to sit on your hands and wait til the next fellow catches your attention.

 

T

 

I just worry about jumping the gun. Like if I ask prematurely and it turns him off, but had it been his own suggestion a few days later he wouldn’t have that reaction...

 

As I said I get all mixed up and start spinning my wheels. It isn’t as if this guy is the end all be all either—I just like knowing what is up and hate feeling confused!

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I agree with you Firstdates, if you messaged first it wouldn't feel great to have to also ask for a proper date.

 

If he doesn't come around to asking, move on. There are plenty of other men on dating sites who will show you proper attention. You should never have to wait around and hope and pray like this.

Thanks Sherry! Yep! You basically put into words exactly what I feel!

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I agree with you Firstdates, if you messaged first it wouldn't feel great to have to also ask for a proper date.

 

I can understand Sherry's sentiment. However, conversely men are expected to do this all the time. If anything, we are far worse at gauging interest, especially over messaging services without ever having even seen the women (and therefore pick up on visual/audio cues of interest).

 

I realise that's not the case here; I am just coming to the realisation in my own life that if you are interested, that should be all you need to ask. I generally assume noone is interested in me, and in the past I know for a fact I have missed out because I didn't ask. Maybe that's true for him too. Plus, people don't necessarily develop the same level of interest at the same time, and plenty of people have their own insecurities around rejection, intiating, dating, relationships and the rest (welcome to enotalone). If they reject you, then of course it's fine to move on. Just as if the date is bad, or a month in you aren't feeling it, or whatever other myriad of reasons there are relationships fail. However, unless this texting thing is a deal breaker in of itself, it really feels that you are walking away before you even start.

 

I can't guarantee you any success, but really how many men are you interested in? Is there any harm in asking?

 

Just my 2 cents,

 

T

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I totally understand where you're coming from Kiwi :)

 

You could have a point, though 5 days is an awfully long time to be waiting. Plus she did message him first and he's dawdling in answering most of the time.

 

12 plus hours to even bother replying. Hmmm. I would personally call it a day and move on.

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I'd consider it more of a red flag than someone not responding to an email from a stranger within 12 hours if someone cares enough or doesn't have enough going on to even notice and be concerned about it.

 

When I was doing OLD, yeah... I'm sleeping at night and going to work during the day. Sorry to say, but I don't know you, so your message gets all the time and dedication I can muster up during my evening dump. If we meet and click, I might upgrade your time slot to when I'm waiting for my pizza delivery.

 

Half joking aside, I'd ask him out or continue to be anxious when you do indeed have some control in coming to a resolution. No, it's not the greatest sign if you've initiated and he's yet to play off your interest and effort, but initiating and inviting has been the expectation of men for a good while. I say go for it. Much better than the whole ambiguous penpal situation.

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I'd consider it more of a red flag than someone not responding to an email from a stranger within 12 hours if someone cares enough or doesn't have enough going on to even notice and be concerned about it.

 

When I was doing OLD, yeah... I'm sleeping at night and going to work during the day. Sorry to say, but I don't know you, so your message gets all the time and dedication I can muster up during my evening dump. If we meet and click, I might upgrade your time slot to when I'm waiting for my pizza delivery.

 

Half joking aside, I'd ask him out or continue to be anxious when you do indeed have some control in coming to a resolution. No, it's not the greatest sign if you've initiated and he's yet to play off your interest and effort, but initiating and inviting has been the expectation of men for a good while. I say go for it. Much better than the whole ambiguous penpal situation.

 

Okay, but JMan would you as a guy be more likely to reply faster if you were interested?

And would it be a bad sign if your next message didn’t ask a question?

 

If he’s fading out, I don’t want to torture myself by going to coffee with him!

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Okay,

 

I’m going to call this guy Jay. Jay checked out my profile on EHarmony. But by the time I returned to my profile almost 2 weeks had passed.

 

I sent Jay a message because we have a ton in common.

 

We have been messaging back and forth for 5 days now. At first his responses were hours apart. We trade maximum 1-2 messages a day. Always balanced in length and questions.

 

It might be because it is mid week now, instead of the weekend, but it often takes far more than 12 hours to hear back from Jay.

 

Example, if I reply at 6:00 AM to a message he sent at 10:00 PM, I likely don’t hear back until 9:00PM and the message will be unread all that time.

 

I’ve heard people say not to read into messaging intervals but I’ve also heard people say it reflects interest...

 

All I can think is that maybe he isn’t that interested. I also messaged him first which also camouflages his interest level.

 

I know you will all want me to chill. I get all in my head. Mainly I just want peace of mind :)

 

I don't think that reflects interest. What I think reflects lack of interest in meeting you -on both ends -is that neither of you has made a plan to meet in person. I wouldn't respond at all or would delay my response if there was no time and place plan to meet in person so I could focus on people who wanted to meet in person rather than typing back and forth between strangers. I think the issue of interest in dating only comes up after you meet - and if one of you is interested in going on a real first date with the person you met, than one or both of you will make a time and place plan -or close enough to a specific plan -for a first date either right then or after the first meet. That will reflect interest in going on a date.

 

Analyzing "interest" from a stranger to me is a waste of time beyond finding out ASAP if he wants to meet in person and scheduling the meet. If he is interested in meeting and shows up you know that he was interested in meeting you in person. If you have no plan to meet in person yet then it means neither of you are sufficiently interested in meeting - and because you are meeting initially through an online site all it means is that one of you is far more likely to meet another person in person sooner, making it even less likely that you'll ever meet. As one of my male friends told me years ago, he went on a first meet or first date with someone he'd initially met online. From what I knew she didn't get back to him for awhile about another date even though she actually did want to meet again. And in the meanwhile he met another woman through the site and decided to pursue her instead. It just wasn't worth it to him to spend more time getting to know the first person who had been far more lukewarm about meeting again.

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I'd consider it more of a red flag than someone not responding to an email from a stranger within 12 hours if someone cares enough or doesn't have enough going on to even notice and be concerned about it.

 

When I was doing OLD, yeah... I'm sleeping at night and going to work during the day. Sorry to say, but I don't know you, so your message gets all the time and dedication I can muster up during my evening dump. If we meet and click, I might upgrade your time slot to when I'm waiting for my pizza delivery.

 

Half joking aside, I'd ask him out or continue to be anxious when you do indeed have some control in coming to a resolution. No, it's not the greatest sign if you've initiated and he's yet to play off your interest and effort, but initiating and inviting has been the expectation of men for a good while. I say go for it. Much better than the whole ambiguous penpal situation.

 

I wouldn't ask him out on a date -I'd ask him to meet in person. All else equal it's probably better if he asks you out on the first date. I suggested first meets to several of the men I met through online. I was suggesting to a stranger we meet in person -it wasn't for a date since I had no idea if I'd be interested in dating him. If he asked to meet me, even if he called it a "date" I knew he wasn't asking me out on a date- just to meet to see if we should go on a date in the future. No point in "waiting" for him to suggest meeting -meeting is just a means to an end. If on the date when you are speaking in person he doesn't respond to things you say then that is an issue. A stranger delaying responding to texts from another stranger is irrelevant -but if you have a plan to meet and you need his input on the time or place he should respond ASAP if it is time sensitive.

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I wouldn't ask him out on a date -I'd ask him to meet in person. All else equal it's probably better if he asks you out on the first date. I suggested first meets to several of the men I met through online. I was suggesting to a stranger we meet in person -it wasn't for a date since I had no idea if I'd be interested in dating him. If he asked to meet me, even if he called it a "date" I knew he wasn't asking me out on a date- just to meet to see if we should go on a date in the future. No point in "waiting" for him to suggest meeting -meeting is just a means to an end. If on the date when you are speaking in person he doesn't respond to things you say then that is an issue. A stranger delaying responding to texts from another stranger is irrelevant -but if you have a plan to meet and you need his input on the time or place he should respond ASAP if it is time sensitive.

 

I see what you are saying. I don’t see a ‘date’ as meaning ‘dating’. I would use the term date and meet interchangeably without thinking one was different than the other.

 

I’m feeling like I don’t even want to ‘meet’ him at this point. I don’t think he is in the same head space as I am.

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