He wants a divorce

This is going to sound pathetic but I don't know what to do. OK, so we've been married for almost 29 years. We do love each other but he has certain sexual preferences, some of which I don't much care for but I want to make him happy so I do them -- well, some of the time. This is the problem: he would like for me to do a little something just about every day. Just so that you know: I am 66 (do not look it at all, with all due respect) and he is 53. I start out by doing what he likes for several weeks or a month, then I stop. Keep in mind that I give him oral sex just about every night. He reciprocates but not as often although he is very affectionate and loving. My fault, because he says that I should command him to do things that I like. That said, I stop doing these other things because I feel that life gets in the way in some form or another and then I don't think to resume the things he likes but I still give him oral sex nearly every night. The issue is that he wants me to be in control of his orgasms and be in charge. He gets very hurt that I don't make the effort to please him. I don't want to do these things every day.

He has a very demanding job so when he comes home it's late. He's tired and I'm tired. On the weekends, I don't set aside a little time to indulge his fantasies because I think he is either having fun playing an on-line game so I don't disturb him, or sometimes he goes out and hangs out with my son and they play cards in a tournament. I also want to say that my libido has decreased so I don't think of doing sexual activities every day. These activities are very important to him and it seems that I always have to be reminded. My inability to please him in the ways he wants infuriate him. I keep promising him that I will do them and not stop, but I always seem to stop. I am not totally sure why except that I don't think of sex all the time. Plain and simple. I feel terrible but he's had enough. He is so frustrated, angry and hurt. So much so that he claims to hate his life. Harsh.

We've been through this scenario a number of times. I promise that I will not stop but I always do. It's not much to ask but I'm not sure what my problem is. He is now filing for divorce because of my empty promises. I've convinced him to not divorce me a number of times in the past and he's cooperated but not this time. Is it worth throwing away 29 years of marriage? I don't wish to divorce but I feel that I should go through with it because I want him to be happy and, apparently, he isn't with me. Any thoughts? If he truly loved me, wouldn't he be more understanding and gently remind me instead of waiting for me to start up, stewing and then blow up? This only happened this weekend. He is not talking to me (unless he has to), we don't eat together any more, we don't do anything together. Thank you.

Maybe he has a sex addiction?

Honestly, this divorce sounds like a blessing in disguise for you and probably you would have been better off had it happened sooner. Your husband is callous, abusive and has issues and I'm afraid that after 29 years of it, you've kind of gotten used to it and it has become your "normal" except that there is nothing normal about his attitude and behavior. Also...he is in for a very rude awakening. He will find out pretty fast that most women out there aren't interested in his brand of bs and will not put up with him or tolerate him, let alone indulge him the way you have. My dear lady, Karma is going kick him hard. Be glad that you will away from him and you'll find life is actually better without him....a lot better.

I still give him oral sex nearly every night. The issue is that he wants me to be in control of his orgasms and be in charge. He gets very hurt that I don't make the effort to please him.

You give this guy a blow job every day and he's not happy?????? Holy sh1t! A blow job every day would please close to 100% of men!

He sounds like a whiny child who isnt getting his way. No respect for you and how you are feeling. He sounds very selfish to me.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=492284

You've been writing about your sexual incompatibilities for 3 years.

He wants something that you ultimately are not up for. You do it to please him, but how is this all good for you?

As DancingFool says, this has become your normal, but I assure you, there is nothing normal about a partner demanding certain behaviors and pouting when those behaviors don't occur.

And Melancholy pointed out, he gets a blow job every day from you...yet that isn't enough. Wow. Whiny child indeed.

Honestly, this divorce sounds like a blessing in disguise for you and probably you would have been better off had it happened sooner. Your husband is callous, abusive and has issues and I'm afraid that after 29 years of it, you've kind of gotten used to it and it has become your "normal" except that there is nothing normal about his attitude and behavior. Also...he is in for a very rude awakening. He will find out pretty fast that most women out there aren't interested in his brand of bs and will not put up with him or tolerate him, let alone indulge him the way you have. My dear lady, Karma is going kick him hard. Be glad that you will away from him and you'll find life is actually better without him....a lot better.

Thank you for your feedback, Dancing Fool. I'm not trying to dis him in any way. He truly is a very kind, caring and loving individual and we're like two peas in pod. I am so grateful that he earns enough money to have supported me so that I could raise our two, now adult, sons. (I did work for four years at the beginning of our marriage.) I'm not a stellar individual either, meaning that I don't like to cook and he does, and he's always done that. And, I'm not a very good housekeeper but he's never complained. In fact, he specifically says he doesn't mind that. It just seems that doing what is so sexually important to him and then not following through makes me feel really bad. I feel that it's the least I can do, all things considered. On some level, I think I just find it rather disgusting but I did try. Sometimes I wish I knew what people do behind closed doors. I think that a good number of people would be surprised at his preferences, or perhaps not. I think what he wants is warped. I like more romantic ways of making love.

My heart is breaking that he actually wants to divorce over this that a part of me hopes that he will regret his decision and realize just how good he had it. I know that's not very mature on my part, but it's how I feel now.

I guess you're right to some degree. It's just that he is not demanding at all but he does have some abnormal (in my opinion) sexual turn-ons which, to me, are just too weird. As I said, I've tried through the years but I don't enjoy doing them. A compromise, if you will. I actually feel guilty that he does so much for me and I can't seem to bring myself to pleasing him.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=492284

 

You've been writing about your sexual incompatibilities for 3 years.

 

He wants something that you ultimately are not up for. You do it to please him, but how is this all good for you?

 

As DancingFool says, this has become your normal, but I assure you, there is nothing normal about a partner demanding certain behaviors and pouting when those behaviors don't occur.

 

And Melancholy pointed out, he gets a blow job every day from you...yet that isn't enough. Wow. Whiny child indeed.

It's not too good for me but I try to please him. Apparently, we are not on the same page. I wish he had more "normal" desires.

Honestly, this divorce sounds like a blessing in disguise for you and probably you would have been better off had it happened sooner. Your husband is callous, abusive and has issues and I'm afraid that after 29 years of it, you've kind of gotten used to it and it has become your "normal" except that there is nothing normal about his attitude and behavior. Also...he is in for a very rude awakening. He will find out pretty fast that most women out there aren't interested in his brand of bs and will not put up with him or tolerate him, let alone indulge him the way you have. My dear lady, Karma is going kick him hard. Be glad that you will away from him and you'll find life is actually better without him....a lot better.

Perhaps it might be a blessing. I just thought we were going to grow old together considering all the positives. He does have issues, but don't we all? Terrible as it may sound, maybe the rude awakening will let him realize what he threw away. Too late though by then.

Excellent. Free yourself once and for all from this petulant child. Get a fantastic wolverine for a lawyer. Ask him to move out now. Do you ever have real sex or is he having and affair, suffering from ED, etc.?

He is now filing for divorce because of my empty promises.we don't eat together any more, we don't do anything together.

 

A blow job every day would please close to 100% of men!

 

It would appear that he is using you sexually for release and to be dominated. You simply do not want to do what he wants so the frequency is not as often as the spoiled man wants so he is going to divorce you.

Sex should not be a chore, nor should it be one sided.

I know you do not want a divorce and you are scared of all the unknowns that come with this huge life changing thing hanging over you. It is totally understandable.

If you want to try and save the marriage tell him this: "I have been thinking and you are right, if you are not happy with me as your wife any longer we should get a divorce" He will either move forward or freak out inside because he was bluffing trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Depending on what he does next you have two moves. Get legal advice and move forward demanding alimony, the house, half his retirement, half all assets, your car paid off, and anything else you can think of. This isn't revenge this is demanding what you are entitled to after 29 yrs of marriage. Remember he wanted a dominate woman right? Well give it to him!!!

If he balks and walks back from the divorce tell him you will agree to POSTPONE the divorce if he agrees to marriage counseling and DEPENDING on how that goes you may agree to stay together.

He may be a great guy most of the time but the times he isn't outweigh all those good qualities for sure. If he thinks he is going to dump you and go find some woman that is going to service him every night and fulfill his every whim he is in total fantasy mode. He will end up alone taking care of himself every night while you are with some guy that treasures you and truly loves you.

Time to stand up for yourself

Lost

Excellent. Free yourself once and for all from this petulant child. Get a fantastic wolverine for a lawyer. Ask him to move out now. Do you ever have real sex or is he having and affair, suffering from ED, etc.?

He's already spoken to a lawyer via phone and has an appointment in a few weeks. I'm not planning to contest anything. I just want to move out into an apartment which sadly, he has to pay for it. Both of my kids are in college so he'll be supporting himself and 3 households. Actually, this is a very large house because we bought it when our kids were younger. They're adults now and have their own lives. I haven't worked since our older child was 3 and I am ever so grateful to him for that. I cannot ask him to move out since he pays for literally everything. It's not the right thing to do and I'm just not that mean. I really do love him unconditionally. We plan to put the house on the market.

No, he is definitely not having an affair. He's one of a kind in that sense; rare find. No, there are no problems physically with me or him. He just has a strong need to have me control his orgasms (and not let him come unless I want him to) and do other things which are not my cup of tea but I compromise but eventually lose interest. That's what annoys and angers him. Remember that I am always willing to give him oral sex (pretty much daily, no kidding) but I let him come, which gives me great pleasure. We don't have intercourse very often (perhaps 1-2 times a week.

I truly bothers me when he claims to "hate his life". Too bad he is unable to appreciate what he does have. Thank you for your feedback.

Don't be foolish. You desperately need an attorney. It's not 1950 anymore. Huh?:

Both of my kids are in college so he'll be supporting himself and 3 households.

Hi Lost. Your feedback makes a lot of sense but we go through this scenario every 3-4 years. I sincerely try but my sex drive is not what it used to be. Every day, or every couple of days, is just too much. He always claims to want a divorce because he "hates my life". I've convinced him to go to therapy once and it helped and talked him out of divorcing me a number of times already. I'm just ready to give up though. You're so right, sex should not be a chore and I guess at some level that's how I regard it now. It's so obvious that I am unable to please him and he puts so much emphasis on these weird demands. I simply don't understand it. I cannot do this anymore...

It sounds like divorce would be a great relief to you since this has been going on for years and you are quite unhappy.

03-06-2015:We have vanilla sex laced with femdom elements but I have trouble transitioning to more intense things and more frequency. He's unhappy and I am frustrated.

For the love of....please go get a lawyer for yourself today. Also, please see a psychiatrist as soon as you can get an appointment - tell them it's urgent and won't wait. You've been brainwashed and subjugated by this man for so long, that you no longer have any sense of what is right and wrong so much so that your responses are difficult to read - just heart breaking how little you value yourself and all that you've given to this marriage for 29 years. No concept even.

For the love of....please go get a lawyer for yourself today. Also, please see a psychiatrist as soon as you can get an appointment - tell them it's urgent and won't wait. You've been brainwashed and subjugated by this man for so long, that you no longer have any sense of what is right and wrong so much so that your responses are difficult to read - just heart breaking how little you value yourself and all that you've given to this marriage for 29 years. No concept even.

I would rep you if I could.

Right now is not the time to make statements like "I am not going to contest anything" We have all seen this far to many times where a spouse is so beaten down and worn out they just want it over so they give away the farm just for a little peace of mind and escape from the pain and anguish.

You need someone in your corner to help advise you as this goes forward. Your love for him will be your doom. Do you have a sister or very close friend that can help guide you through all this? Maybe a friend that has been divorced?

If you do not want the house that is fine but you have to get half of the equity, half the value of the furnishings unless you split them. He will also be paying you alimony until you remarry or pass on plus part of his social security.

If you just walk away to get away from this in a couple of years you will surely regret it. Get some referrals for a lawyer and make an appointment so you can get sound legal advice and have someone in your corner. More than likely he will have to pay for your legal bills too.

Let me list a few things you may be missing:

-You give him oral almost every night. Most married men hardly ever get oral.

-You have sex 1-2 times a week after 29 yrs of marriage. Most couples after that much time have sex 1-2 a month!

-You have tried to submit to his desires but he does not return the favors.

-He treats you like you owe him something, like sex his way is some sort of payment for staying married to you.

-You have lost who you are...

Take your time as there is no rush to finalize anything. This is a very big time in your life that will affect you for years and years to come so be patient and listen to the advice you receive and ignore anything he tells you.

Keep posting, it will help

Lost

Amen, you are not a blowup doll because he worked for 29 years. Working is a requirement for 99% of the planet so he’s not special for going to work .

It sounds like divorce would be a great relief to you since this has been going on for years and you are quite unhappy.

True, but after 29 years with someone, it's scary but on some level, I think it would be for the best. We certainly are not on the same page. But, there are worse things in life.

WOW! Yes, as I mentioned, we go through this every few years. I'm finally realizing that we should proceed with the divorce. It hurts when he tells me that I don't love him because if I did, I would try to do what he asks. Please, however, do realize that I promise I won't stop and then I do stop. This eventually leads to resentment and anger on his part and I feel so bad. So, it's my fault also because I apparently break my promise.

Unfortunately, I don't have a sister; just a brother and I certainly don't wish to tell him. And, I am a bit of a hermit so I don't have any close friends either. The mistake I made is just staying with him because I really enjoy his company. He doesn't go out with friends either because he works long hours. He does occasionally invite a friend or two over the house on the weekends for drinks and dinner. I know people but not well enough to confide such issues with them. Don't get me wrong, he does return the favors but my needs are a lot more simple. That's the crux of the situation. Oral sex and intercourse for me but not so frequently. I enjoy giving him oral sex but I don't like it too frequently. He doesn't seem to get that.

I cannot stress this enough: GET A LAWYER.

He might be the Mother Teresa of all men, but this is 2018, and you've been married for many years. It's simply a necessity.

WOW! Yes, as I mentioned, we go through this every few years. I'm finally realizing that we should proceed with the divorce. It hurts when he tells me that I don't love him because if I did, I would try to do what he asks. Please, however, do realize that I promise I won't stop and then I do stop. This eventually leads to resentment and anger on his part and I feel so bad. So, it's my fault also because I apparently break my promise.

What you are failing to understand is that you don't owe this to him in the first place and what you have done for him is above and beyond average. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Literally most women out there would have tossed him out long ago. Also, I'll second whoever said - he is not a hero for working and paying the bills. It's what people do. He is NOT special for working and providing for his family. Just an average run of the muck schmuck. A dime a dozen. This world is full of men who are...working to provide for their family. It's how society functions pretty much. You ALSO worked your azz off raising the children, servicing his ungrateful azz and you give yourself zero credit and that is a problem.

You are his wife, not a prostitute performing services for pay for crying out loud. Yet you have allowed this pig of a poor excuse of a human that you keep calling a great husband to treat you as such and to complain, pitch tantrums and otherwise keep threatening you with divorce whenever he is not sufficiently satisfied with services rendered. This is not how marriage works.

Your real fault in all of this is that you are codependent and didn't drop kick him out of your life years ago. Either way, it's not too late now. Own this divorce and get a pitbull of a lawyer to take care of your interests because you are currently way too damaged and too weak to take care of yourself. You will thank yourself later once you are finally out of this fog you've been living in.