Why do I obsess over autistic guys?

Hey fellow forumers!

So I have a problem. I grew up with an autistic mother, not diagnosed but theres no doubt she's autistic. High functioning but still, autistic.

Since my early teens I have encountered one autistic guy after another and I always obsess over them. Not other guys, them I can easily let go of, but the autistic ones always gets on my mind and I cannot let go of thinking about how they function or why they do this or that, until I have answers. I obsessed over my exes, whom I ended it with so it's not a love thing, I had no feelings for them but obsessed in thinking about them until I found out they seemed to suffer from aspergers. I let go of my ex when my friend solved it for me by asking if he could possibly be autistic?

That one took years for me to le go of and same with another one.

I know why I meet them. It's because I used to subconsciously think if I could find a guy as weird as my mom and be close enough to him to figure him out, I could figure out what was wrong with my mom, and it worked.

However now that I know, I need to break this circle. I decided years ago I wouldnt go into a relationship bc I have issues to work out and until I do, this cycle will continue and finally break me, piece by piece. I have also gone into therapy with psychologist after psychologist but that lead me nowhere.

I'm thinking either it's a control thing to know exactly where I have the other part and when I don't, I freak out and obsess, or, it has something to do with them having the same illness as my mom. That I have to help them but when they refuse my help, I feel helpless.

I dont know, what can I do? As I said, therapy doesnt help, does this mean I have to live with this problem for the rest of my life?

There must be a solution to this.

Calling people by their disabilities (“autistic guy,” “autistic ones”) is super offensive. You say “person with autism.” Not everyone likes to be labeled by their disability.

Calling people by their disabilities (“autistic guy,” “autistic ones”) is super offensive. You say “person with autism.” Not everyone likes to be labeled by their disability.

Some don’t mind though. Some don’t want to be called person with autism. Some highly identify with their condition. It is always best to let the individual person with the condition decide . My son prefers autistic, not person with autism.

I grew up with an autistic mother, not diagnosed

 

Since my early teens I have encountered one autistic guy after another and I always obsess over them. Not other guys, them I can easily let go of, but the autistic ones always gets on my mind and I cannot let go of thinking about how they function or why they do this or that, until I have answers. I obsessed over my exes, whom I ended it with so it's not a love thing, I had no feelings for them but obsessed in thinking about them until I found out they seemed to suffer from aspergers. I let go of my ex when my friend solved it for me by asking if he could possibly be autistic?

What I find incredibly disturbing is that you seem to guess, with no proper, professional medical proof that anyone of these people are autistic or not, or have Aspergers or not. Even your own mother gets a label from you and you state she has not been diagnosed.

I was going to strongly advise you seek professional help, to help you overcome all of your own issues, until I saw that you say you already go to therapy. I can only suggest you change therapists until you find one that works.

What I find incredibly disturbing is that you seem to guess, with no proper, professional medical proof that anyone of these people are autistic or not, or have Aspergers or not. Even your own mother gets a label from you and you state she has not been diagnosed.

All of this.

It seems to be less about the person and more about the assumptions you're making, OP.

Some don’t mind though. Some don’t want to be called person with autism. Some highly identify with their condition. It is always best to let the individual person with the condition decide . My son prefers autistic, not person with autism.

I said “not everyone.” Was I not clear? And the OP did post this on a public forum for anyone to read.

Suppose it’s not autism and it’s a different disability. I have ADHD and I would not like to be called “the ADHD/hyperactive girl.” Why Not call me by my name? Talk to me like I’m Snny, an individual- not someone who has ADHD. Hell I once did business with a real estate agent who was a former special ed teacher, and when she found out that I was in the mental health profession and have ADHD I instantly noticed a drastic change in her demeanor of the way she spoke to me and presented documents. Even my husband picked up on it and privately commented to me about it. It felt incredibly patronizing as if she were talking to me like a child. I have an incredibly high IQ and hold a high education (which I obtained on my own) for someone with a disability - I am not a dumb*** when it comes to reading documents and loan agreements. I will ask simple questions on concepts I don’t understand because I am a first time homebuyer, but to go the extra mile of treating me like I got a disability hindering me from doing business with you? Just that demeanor of finding out I had a disability really turned me off. I immediately discontinued and changed my agent because of this.

Other examples: calling someone with bi-polar depression “bi-polar woman” holds a negative connotation in of itself. Who wants to be associated with a disability that causes lack of emotional regulation or potential suicidal tendencies? Even worse, not all areas use the term “intellectual disabled” and still use “mental retardation,” and call someone with a low IQ “retarded guy.”

See how it can be very offensive? People who do struggle with a diagnosised disability and are ashamed of it impacting their daily lives really do not want other identifying them with it. Just because your son is ok with being called “autistic” doesn’t mean someone else with autism is. Some people (like myself) are super concious about having a disability and just want to be treated like a normal person than by their disability. I’m sorry to go full SJW on this, but my lifestyle and work involves advocating for people with mental health deficits and it’s something I’m incredibly passionate about.

And going back to the OP’s post, she is self diagnosing people with autism. Some people may display traits and behaviors related to autism, but some of those traits could be a different disability (or maybe that person is just super nerdy or eccentric by character). You should NEVER be diagnosising people for a disability when you aren’t a licensed specialist, especially when you might be wrong. You may come off being very patronizing for the wrong aspect.

I said “not everyone.” Was I not clear? And the OP did post this on a public forum for anyone to read.

 

Suppose it’s not autism and it’s a different disability. I have ADHD and I would not like to be called “the ADHD/hyperactive girl.” Why Not call me by my name? Talk to me like I’m Snny, an individual- not someone who has ADHD. Hell I once did business with a real estate agent who was a former special ed teacher, and when she found out that I was in the mental health profession and have ADHD I instantly noticed a drastic change in her demeanor of the way she spoke to me and presented documents. Even my husband picked up on it and privately commented to me about it. It felt incredibly patronizing as if she were talking to me like a child. I have an incredibly high IQ and hold a high education (which I obtained on my own) for someone with a disability - I am not a dumb*** when it comes to reading documents and loan agreements. I will ask simple questions on concepts I don’t understand because I am a first time homebuyer, but to go the extra mile of treating me like I got a disability hindering me from doing business with you? Just that demeanor of finding out I had a disability really turned me off. I immediately discontinued and changed my agent because of this.

 

Other examples: calling someone with bi-polar depression “bi-polar woman” holds a negative connotation in of itself. Who wants to be associated with a disability that causes lack of emotional regulation or potential suicidal tendencies? Even worse, not all areas use the term “intellectual disabled” and still use “mental retardation,” and call someone with a low IQ “retarded guy.”

 

See how it can be very offensive? People who do struggle with a diagnosised disability and are ashamed of it impacting their daily lives really do not want other identifying them with it. Just because your son is ok with being called “autistic” doesn’t mean someone else with autism is. Some people (like myself) are super concious about having a disability and just want to be treated like a normal person than by their disability. I’m sorry to go full SJW on this, but my lifestyle and work involves advocating for people with mental health deficits and it’s something I’m incredibly passionate about.

 

And going back to the OP’s post, she is self diagnosing people with autism. Some people may display traits and behaviors related to autism, but some of those traits could be a different disability (or maybe that person is just super nerdy or eccentric by character). You should NEVER be diagnosising people for a disability when you aren’t a licensed specialist, especially when you might be wrong. You may come off being very patronizing for the wrong aspect.

I GET IT believe me. My son is autistic, my husband has ADHD and my dad is bipolar. Plus at least 1 billion times I have told people not to diagnose others.

I am just giving a reminder not everyone wants to be called “a person with autism.” That is it.

It would be best to stop tossing around amateurish diagnoses like this. Much better would be to get a full physical by an MD and psychiatrist to understand your own obsessions. Talk therapy is often an adjunct to proper medical management of certain conditions that can cause what you are complaining about. Your dating problems have to do with you, not your mother or dissecting guys to find problems they may or may not have.

I grew up with an autistic mother, not diagnosed but theres no doubt she's autistic.

Okay so basically noone took the time to read and UNDERSTAND what I wrote at all, yet you replied. Why?

I've seen this alot at this forum, people not reading through and GETTING whats being written.

1. I HAVE been to therapy, there is nothing wrong with me according to the therapists I've been to and I have seen MANY, there are no more to see around here. I have also had two big exams with MRI scan of the brain and a check for all diagnoses there is and I came out with nothing. Psychiatry cant do anything else for me or solve this dilemma. Thats why i'm writing HERE. Do you understand?

2. I have studied psychopathology and am 100% positive that these persons have autism and since I've studied this condition for 20+ years and had a mother with it, I KNOW this condition.

How come you guys tell me to go to a therapist when I obviously already have been to so many and therefore seek your advice? Do you recognize you're not skilled enough to advice me since you don't even believe what I type?

Okay, but there are no psychotherapists on here . So no one is going to be “ skilled enough” .

Most people look for what they had at home in some form because they find it normal. Autistic people are your first example. So maybe you want to recreate that in your life.

Maybe you are looking for more the autistic expression and experience of life. For the most part I enjoy my son and my husband more because they are not neuro typical. With my son you get what you get . But at least you are sure he’s not playing you and he says what he means and means what he says . My husband he’s a little more allistic in that regard .

But if I just want idle chitchat I will find allistic people for that . My boys are not into idle chitchat .

I think we are often drawn (albeit subconsciously) to those who offer a sense of familiarity.

You were raised by a mother who was autistic or whom you sensed was from her behavior and how she interacted.

It's familiar to you, so naturally you will be drawn to others who share these qualities.

I struggle with this too, or used to before I became aware.

For example (and unrelated to autism), due to my mom's dysfunction, I was "on edge" all throughout my childhood.

As an adult I became drawn to men with whom I felt "on edge," if I didn't feel anxious and on edge, I wasn't attracted!

With a lot of introspection and self-reflection, I overcame, I think it's pretty standard to be drawn to what's familiar.

Not suggesting you need to overcome, autism is not dysfunctional by any stretch, just offering a possibility as to why you are so drawn to those who have or who share same or similar characteristics.

Not sure if you meant *obsess* literally, but obsessing about anything is probably not healthy.

To those criticizing OP for "labeling" her mother and boyfriends as autistic how should she have addressed her situation without mentioning this fact?

It's relevant to the issue she is experiencing!

There is no need to be tip-toeing around autism or any mental illness, it's nothing to be ashamed of, run away from or be afraid to mention and discuss even when it involves loved ones.

The way she worded it "autistic mother" instead of "person with autism" what difference do the words make?

How one chooses to word it is not going to change the fact they have autism or any mental illness.

I myself suffer from a mental illness -- Bipolar 2, don't give a rat's rear end how people choose to label me for that, I am bipolar, a person with bipolar disorder, it's part of who I am; I am not ashamed of it, in fact I am rather proud as I have dealt with a lot of **** in my life because of it and overcame!

Have you studied it as in you have a psychology or clinical degree or are on that degree path, or have you simply read different books?

Do you feel some sort of sense of control over someone by putting them in a box and labeling them? Do you feel in some ways because your mom does not have a medical diagnosis, nor is seeking one, that by labelling other people it validates you in some way? It is not unusual if your mother had some characteristics of someone with autism, that you would gravitate towards someone with similar characteristics, just like some women meet and marry a man who is "just like daddy" without even trying to. But that still doesn't mean your mother is actually autistic or that they are either. It bothers me very deeply when people try to "diagnose" me and "tell me what's wrong with me". Like that by "outing me" they have some sort of power over me or don't respect me. The person who knows me best is me. When someone besides a medical professional diagnoses me - and they use something that is not prejudiced like actual medical or neurological tests and not "the way i walked into the office and sat down" then I accept that as well.

To those criticizing OP for "labeling" her mother and boyfriends as autistic how should she have addressed her situation without mentioning this fact?

 

It's relevant to the issue she is experiencing!

 

There is no need to be tip-toeing around autism or any mental illness, it's nothing to be ashamed of, run away from or be afraid to mention and discuss even when it involves loved ones.

 

The way she worded it "autistic mother" instead of "person with autism" what difference do the words make?

 

How one chooses to word it is not going to change the fact they have autism or any mental illness.

It has nothing to do with how it was worded at all. The big issue is the fact that NONE of these people she speaks of were actually professionally, medically, diagnosed. None. She is simply guessing by their behaviour. She is assuming. She is diagnosing them and putting labels on them when she has no idea if they actually are autistic or not. THAT is a huge issue, imo.

To those criticizing OP for "labeling" her mother and boyfriends as autistic how should she have addressed her situation without mentioning this fact?

 

It's relevant to the issue she is experiencing!

 

There is no need to be tip-toeing around autism or any mental illness, it's nothing to be ashamed of, run away from or be afraid to mention and discuss even when it involves loved ones.

 

The way she worded it "autistic mother" instead of "person with autism" what difference do the words make?

 

How one chooses to word it is not going to change the fact they have autism or any mental illness.

 

I myself suffer from a mental illness -- Bipolar 2, don't give a rat's rear end how people choose to label me for that, I am bipolar, a person with bipolar disorder, it's part of who I am; I am not ashamed of it, in fact I am rather proud as I have dealt with a lot of **** in my life because of it and overcame!

Oh please. You can talk directly to me instead of around me. And it’s clear you didn’t read my second post either. So yes it does matter how you talk about people, especially of those who aren’t diagnosed with researched based evidence testing. As a psych major, the OP should of known that.

Oh and the fun fact about autism? About 70% people who are diagnosed with autism may actually have brain seizures instead of a mental illness because some doctors only diagnose a person’s behavior, not through medical testing (MRIs). So in theory is it justified to label people by behavior only?

@Snny, fine except my post wasn't directed at *you.*

As stated in my post, it was to *all* posters who took issue with OP's wording.

Perhaps you missed that?

I don't tip toe "around" people, if I took issue with you specifically, I would have directed it at you.

Re the rest of your post, respect your opinion but disagree for reasons already stated.

And I am speaking from personal experience, which was also addressed in my post.

I do contend others who suffer from various afflictions may feel differently though.

It's an individual thing in my opinion.