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Thread: He can't commit to marriage because I'm not a 10...

  1. #1
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    He can't commit to marriage because I'm not a 10...

    Hi all,
    BF and I have been together nearly 2.5 years & we love each other a lot, we are seriously best friends!! I'm 33, he's 34, we're both pretty secure in our career. We have similar spunky driven energies, similar interests, & since meeting we've been on the same page about marriage, starting a family, future goals... This is important to both of us. We have a great compatibility, run a business together, get things done easily together... He's a very kind, compassionate & fun person, he makes me laugh, his sense of humor is like none other, he cooks, he cleans, it's great!! We live together & have combined finances. This past year we've been talking about paying off all debts, buying land, & building a house. We've both been married before and have openly discussed marriage with specific timelines in our heads for engagement. However, these timelines have come and gone, getting pushed back further. I'm starting to think he has some major commitment issues and insecurities.

    Last year we took a trip to Europe, he had hinted that he may propose in Venice. During the trip, I discovered a ring box in his suitcase & thought WOW this is gonna happen, but then realized the ring was one of my own rings that my mom had given me (it looks like an engagement ring). Venice came & went, & he didn't propose. I told him I was a bit disappointed, & he apologized for leading me on. I was also disappointed that he was using one of my rings. He said he didn't want to tote an expensive ring abroad that might get lost. (Besides that, it also meant he hadn't saved up for a ring!) After much discussion, he said he wasn't ready, so we decided to focus on our relationship & possibly getting engaged the following summer (1 year in the future)... Since then, he's hinted on occasion "you never know, I may be saving up for a ring!" and I've kept my hopes up.

    However, I'm starting to think that this is not the case & we may have an expiration date because during our fights or discussions, he'll often start talking about what would happen in the future if we were to break up & scheming it out.

    Over Christmas, he told me he spoken with his dad who has been encouraging him to marry me but he's conflicted because he's not ready... he wants to be considerate of possessing my time, & says he's under a lot of pressure to make the decision every day. I don't usually push the topic, so the pressure is not coming from me! We had hit our 2 year mark. In the beginning we had talked about engagement at 1.5 years so I asked him how much more time he needs. He says he doesn't know. I told him I'll be patient & enjoy the relationship, but I'm not going to wait forever...

    Last week, we were moving into a new apartment in a different city, he was starting a new job. The goal for doing this is to pay off our debts so we can buy land & go off the grid. With logistics, we were super stressed. He has a lot of friends in the new city, & I have a lot of friends in our current one, so I'm going through a process of letting go. We got into arguments every single day about weird things that he would normally start. (ie: He's the cook in the household, but after his first day of work I had agreed to cook dinner one night & have it ready by 6. Unfortunately I didn't have it ready until 6:15. He got home & started bossing me around about how I wasn't cooking things right, & was upset because I didn't apologize right off the bat for not having it ready on time. 'If it were him, he would've had it ready AND apologized,' so he says he can't rely on me). Later he apologized for acting like that, it was his first day of work & he had been really stressed. We continued having arguments like this every day, by the end of the week we were exhausted & he asked me if I wanted to just stay in the current city & not move up to the new city with him. I said no, & asked him if he wants to break up, he said no. After the weekend, he said he's willing to put that week behind us & move forward, acknowledging it was just a hard week for both of us.

    We really love our new apartment and the new city, but things were still hanging in our heads so we went on a hike to talk about it. I opened up that I'm starting to get uncomfortable talking about buying land & building a house without having an important step mentioned: marriage. We'd be coming up on 2.5 years this summer & I told him by the 3rd year, it seems like people should know enough about the other to marry. He says that he can't get over the fact that we may just be settling for each other when we're not each other's ideal types. He prefers tall girls with dark long hair, & yet I'm short with short dark hair. In the past I have gone for many darker guys with long hair, yet he's white with short hair (I have no issue with this but he thinks that's what I prefer & am not admitting it)... Also in the past he thought it'd be fun if we ranked each other on a scale of 1-10, and we both ranked each other at an 8. This seemed to really bother him & he says that I deserve someone who thinks I'm a 10, & vice versa. He says one of his ex's was a 10 in his eyes & she thought he was a 10, & she doted on him all the time. He says I don't dote on him nor show him that I love him as much as he's experienced with that ex. He says he doesn't feel the same passion. In fact, nobody he's dated after her has met the mark & he's been struggling with this fact for our entire relationship. (I honestly dote on him a ton & don't understand why he's not receiving it as such..) He's spoken to his dad and a friend about his afflictions & they told him that he may want to reconsider being with me if he doesn't feel a satisfying level 10 of attraction. When he tells them about our compatibility, they changed their minds & said chances are, he wouldn't meet someone who is as compatible as me AND a 10 in his eyes, so that's messing with his decision as well. He doesn't want to ever get divorced again & wants to be 100% sure.

    But then he started to discuss what would happen if we broke up again, the logistics, who would move where, & says it's good to discuss such things. Through all this he continues to reassure me that he's not going to leave me, that he has both feet in, that I have his whole heart, that talking about buying land & building a house is a sign of commitment, & that he just needs time to sort these things out in his head. I asked him "Have you actually been saving up for a ring then?" He admitted that he has not, so I asked him to please stop pretending like he like he might be, and he apologized.

    I'm happy that he's open and communicative to me about this but now I'm feeling very confused and insecure about us. It's not just about marriage: it's about having his whole heart, it's about commitment & security, it's about having a family... It's also about him comparing everything to his ex (who he was with in his 20s, & he thought she was cheating on him a lot during his deployments -- clearly they didn't work out)... I feel like I'm being strung along with all the mixed messages. I asked him what he would say if I were to propose to him, and he asked me not to propose to him.

    The summer is coming up & I want to keep waiting. I love him so much and would hate to lose him. He's such a wonderful person & adds so much to my life. I think I add much to his life as well. He's even said "if I were to marry you, my life would be so easy, you are zero drama." My life would be incredibly easy too, I believe. We have a lot of fun together, we really do.

    Does anyone have any advice, or have you been in a similar situation? Constructive feedback is appreciated.. Thank you friends!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    He says that he can't get over the fact that we may just be settling for each other when we're not each other's ideal types.

    OMG, this whole post should be a definition in the dictionary for "shallow" if it wasn't so long. Worrying about who's a 10 and why an 8 is just not good enough...putting your own ring in a box to make you think it's going to be a proposal. Tell me what's so wonderful about this guy who I'd kick to the curb.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, my advice is what you don't want to hear - leave him.
    Yes, he is actively stringing you along. Implying that he might propose any time now when in reality he has no intentions is pretty asinine.
    Picking all those fights - he is actively trying to drive you away. Basically he is too much of a coward to dump you, so he is hoping that you'll do the hard work for him if he makes you miserable enough.
    What it all comes down to is that he is being honest with you that he is currently OK with status quo, but that when it comes to that next big step, something is missing between you, that "IT" factor isn't there for him.

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    He’s wasting your time stringing you along, giving you false hope of marriage whilst comparing you to his ex and thinking you’re not good enough for him. He doesn’t want to marry you and if he had any integrity he would cut you lose so you could find someone who did.

    Do yourself a favour and leave, rather than waste more years on a guy who will tell you with words he doesn’t want to be with you but doesn’t have the balls to leave.

    Everything he has said means he has one foot out of the door and the only thing keeping him in this relationship is pressure from you, his friends and family.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He's got one foot out the door because he's afraid he'd could do better? I'd give him a hard fast push.

    You are living together doing everything including considering to buy property.
    You are married in every way but legally and his heart is not fully into it.

    There is no motivation for him to make that final step while he gets to take you for test drive, accumulate mileage and waste your time.
    I'd move out and work on the fact that you are indeed worth more than your reluctant boyfriend who compares you to others.

    If he was lucky, he'll recognize your value, court you and win you back.
    If not, hold out for someone who's crazy in love with you.

  7. #6
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    There's a saying about cows and free milk....

    I'm so sorry, I know this has to be so tough.

    My advice is the same as everyone else's: leave him, move back to the city you were in, with all your friends, and let him find his perfect 10. He won't, but that's ok, you'll have long moved on.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    wow I agree with everyone. this guy is superficial and looking for a way out. He wants you to help him out and use you as conveniently as possible until he finds his "ideal" match.

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    I haven’t commented on a post in a long time, but I felt the need to comment on this one because this man made me so angry. He rated you an 8?! And you didn’t walk out the door? He’s comparing you to others in telling you that there’s someone better out there for him. He’s constantly bringing up his “perfect” ex-girlfriend. Let him walk out that door and find that long-haired tall “10” that he thinks that he’s going to find. Or rather push him out the door. You deserve someone who’s not that shallow and who would appreciate you and who would consider you a “10” instead of an 8. Jerk.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Johnny Utah's Avatar
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    Wow.

    I will sing the same song as these posters. He is stringing you along. He can't let go of the past and grow. He needs to do that alone.

    You are also settling for this and not realizing you can have better. Life is easy as a couple is not a good reason to be a couple.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Wow sorry to hear this. Take him up on the offer to stay in your city and let him move on alone. You are with a mentally abusive jerk who wants roommates with benefits, free housekeeping and someone who he can train like a dog in obedience school. By chronically putting you down, unfavorably comparing you to an ex etc, he's hoping you jump through more hoops, pay more, move more, do more, kowtow more, etc.. Cease all joint financial activities at once. It sounds like your self respect has been severely damaged in the past and you've become blind to what he's saying and doing to the point of financing his goals and dreams of roommates with benefits in some remote primitive cabin.
    Originally Posted by alibabac
    We live together & have combined finances.
    He got home & started bossing me around. he asked me if I wanted to just stay in the current city & not move up to the new city with him.
    He says one of his ex's was a 10 in his eyes
    He says I don't dote on him nor show him that I love him as much as he's experienced with that ex. He says he doesn't feel the same passion.

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