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Thread: My girlfriend and I just had a physical fight

  1. #1
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    My girlfriend and I just had a physical fight

    My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and have been living together for a year and a half. We are both in our thirties, have decent paying jobs, a couple of pets, travel often and overall, have had a good relationship.

    It all started Saturday night. We hosted a little get together with friends; Naturally, drinks were involved. We may have had one too many, although alcohol can't be all to blame here. Once everyone had left, she was already in bed. I was wired and walked in to the bedroom playfully cuddling her and gave her a little tickle(which she absolutely hates). She exploded with a couple of dismissive comments(understandably), I laughed and gave some back to her with a mischievous smile on my face. This irritated her to no end and things escalated. As a side note; these sort of playful back-n-forth's have happened in the past going both ways. It had never gotten passed a few words. At this point, I was laying on my back when she got up and started to slap me repeatedly. I just laughed and blocked some of them which probably provoked her some more. I did warn her to stop, but she then threw a punch which landed clean on my head. I then had enough and sat up to return the favor via a few slaps of my own. No punches were thrown. It then turned into a brief brawl of slaps between the two of us when I then pulled back to turn on the light. To my horror, I saw her nose was bleeding - an image I can't shake. She's genuinely a sweet person. To see her face like that with me being the reason for it was absolutely heart breaking. I can't shake that image and I won't even attempt to justify it.

    The next morning we talked about our scuffle and seemingly went on with the day as though nothing happened. Of course, there was still a bit of tension but we got on just fine. It wasn't until later that night where the inevitable conversation came out. We basically concluded that the altercation wasn't something that either of us could get over. I feel awful for it and she seems content with her actions given that it was me who provoked it. We also realized that the relationship had hit a road block several weeks prior to this incident. We had gotten too comfortable with daily routines and were not putting in the necessary effort to maintain the relationship. When we had first met, we agreed that communication was an absolute must for any relationship to work. We obviously lost it somewhere along the way. We were both oblivious to some of the issues we shared about one another that night, proving that we had let our relationship dwindle.

    I know what most of you are thinking. "hitting is wrong", "violence should never be an option", "this is what happens when you drink too much", etc. You would be right in thinking all of that as I always had before that night. One of the first things we agreed upon the next morning was that drinking would no longer be apart of our weekends. But even with that step, our relationship is doomed. Two productive years were flushed down the drain because of sixty seconds of utter stupidity.

    I don't even know what I'm asking for. I needed to get this out in someway. I guess the real question is how can I shake the thought of what happened? I know there really isn't much advice out there for something like this. I assume to just deal with it in the hopes that I can somehow make peace with all of this, including her.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The best thing you can do is get into therapy and move out. This will get worse and it's not worth jail time to 'tickle' and start a knock down drag out fight with each other. Hopefully she's not at DV center or precinct or ER as you wrote this. These things are often he said/she said, but you drew blood so you lose.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    You've already done the most important thing, and that's avoiding alcohol. All you can do now is give it time and start putting in the effort to date your wife. Time heals most wounds, so just be patient. The more good memories you start to make, the sooner the bad ones will fade away.

    Also, stop doing stuff that you KNOW annoys her. Like tickling her. Especially when she's been drinking. And then you laugh at her when she's mad?? Were you trying to p*ss her off? If someone tells you they don't like something, respect that. You shouldn't have to be told twice.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So you went out of your way to provoke to the point where she physically attacked you. Completely unacceptable response to provocation on her part, btw. Then instead of restraining her or walking away, you responded by physically attacking her back. In short you both had an all out physical brawl which left her the loser, aka bleeding. No surprise here as women will pretty much always lose out in this situation.

    These kinds of things don't just happen. So it doesn't sound to me like you are really being honest with yourself about everything that lead up to this because things must have been brewing for a long long time and it's not just relationship dwindling or whatever. We are talking about serious pent up anger on both sides turned to mutual physical violence. What you had is essentially a violent volcanic eruption of pent up frustrations of who knows what kind and for how long they've been going on.

    I think that you both need to part ways as you don't exactly bring out the best in each other. You also need to seek out some counseling and think long and hard about your own behavior, why you choose to disrespect and provoke your partner AND how you handle conflict. Quite frankly, she needs to do the same. It actually sounds to me like despite your agreements about communication, you are both conflict avoidant, which means that you don't address issues and let them pile up until an explosion happens. You'd be better off mutually with vocal partners who don't let tension build up like that AND you both need to work on your conflict skills.

    Like Wiseman, I sincerely hope she isn't at the local ER and police department currently filing charges against you. Either way, you've proven that you are both toxic to each other and need to part ways asap.

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  6. #5
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    Just to clarify, she did not need medical attention. We spent the entire day after talking about what had happened and what should've/could've been done(easier said than done). We've now focused our attention on what has to be done. We also concluded, to verify DancingFool's "violent volcanic eruption" theory, that this has been brewing for some time now. We found that a decent amount of this pent up rage came from our own personal issues regarding everyday life(work stress, personal stress, etc). I gave an example of how things were off kilter leading up to the incident. I didn't go into intricate details over it but the message is pretty clear. This had been building up for some time and finally erupted.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Understood that she didn't need medical attention at that moment. I think some of us are simply pointing out that it's not unusual for a person to rethink what they are doing and seek help or press charges once they've had time to cool down and the bruises are starting to stiffen and hurt.

    As for what contributed to this, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that it resulted in physical violence on BOTH sides and that is the definition of toxic. There is also that psychological paradox that once you cross that red line, next time becomes easier and faster to get to physical violence as a way to deal with pent up frustrations or any frustrations. I realize that your gut reaction right now is "I'd NEVER! I already feel horrible."...but think about it, you did cross that line and you never thought you would before either, right? The problem with your relationship is that you both brought the extreme out in each other, triggered each other to unacceptable levels and if you stay together, you will continue to do so. Do not live in denial, part ways, get counseling for yourself at least and move on.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    My understanding about physical acts in a romantic relationship is that it's a line that when crossed you can rarely recover from.
    You've both shown you are capable of it and if you stay together, even at best, it suggests that someone is/was willing to tolerate it or overlook it.

    I hope you two can work past this.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    You sounds like roommates who need to find new ones more than a romantic couple.

    Why would you intentionally annoy your gf? Or hit her back?

    Was your life in danger? Could you not get away? Those seem unlikely.

    So you inflict annoyance and pain on her because you think she deserves it...

    Enjoying hurting your SO is a good sign that it is over.

    You two seem more like I was with my roommate in college when we just had to much time together in close proximity.

    Not a good thing in a romantic relationship.

  10. #9
    I am one of the few. I'm not going to instantly dismiss the relationship because thete was a physical fight. I am a 25 year old woman and i honestly believe that love and passion are both powerful things. Passion swings both ways, from infatuation to rage. It sounds like you two communicate well which is a huge plus. My advice is, if you can, avoid each other for a week or two. If you can afford it, stay in a hotel and no contact. If you need to sTay in the same house, sleep on the couch, stay in opposite rooms, etc. Sleep on it for a while and let her come to you. Bring flowers and leave them on the table. With no note or words. I can say from personal experience that although it is uncommon and not the social norm, I accept that sometimes things get physical. IMPORTANT- I also would never, ever, ever call the cops or make a scene where they would be called.

  11. #10
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    Hmm. Let's reverse the genders for a moment:

    Tipsy woman playfully teases her boyfriend, finds herself knocked on her back as she is repeatedly struck by a man, then she slaps back and draws blood.

    Somehow, I doubt contributors would scold that woman. I don't think anyone would argue that a woman deserved it or made her dating partner violent. But people understandably struggle to view domestic violence without a sexist lens, especially when the initial victim holds power and chooses to become a violent batterer. Being pinned down was wrong and nobody deserves blame for that behavior. You cannot control how others behave. But how you react to the world around you is a personal choice. You chose poorly.

    You reacted by committing a crime called battery, which is either a misdemeanor or felony offense depending on your zipcode. You're perfectly free to jump onto google, look up your state's bar association, then contact them and ask for a referral to a criminal defense attorney for a consolation. You're also encouraged to contact the domestic violence hotline and strive to say no to violence. Striking another person as you describe is less about de-escalating violence and more about returning the favor to get even. Violence also escalates in a relationship once it has begun.

    I hope that you're able to sort through this experience. However, I don't think shaking the experience is the right answer. These nagging feelings of discomfort is your conscious telling you that what happened was wrong. Think about how your violence felt disturbing and refrain from ever striking another living, breathing human being with years upon years of hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Somebody loved this person. This person came from a family who undoubtedly loved her. And do not minimize your act as less than a crime just because you feel as though she did not require medical attention. It is criminal to violently strike anyone's face. Period. There is nothing that rationalizes violence no matter your gender or whatever tension built up over the past few months. There are no permissible excuses and you would be behind bars that very night if circumstances were different.

    Please take the initiative to reject violence from now on.

    We all want to see you succeed and move on with your life in a good direction... Which you absolutely can achieve.
    Last edited by StillAlive6; 05-23-2018 at 02:59 AM.

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