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Thread: Was I abusive?

  1. #1
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    Was I abusive?

    Hi,

    My ex and I were together for 3 years & she broke up with me this October (2017).
    I'm 31 now (she's 30), we met when I was 28 (her 27).
    The reason she gave me when breaking up, was that I was verbally abusive and she doesn't feel safe around me.

    Its been close to 7 months now, I've been to therapy (2 different therapists).
    The problem is, they don't think I'm abusive.
    My friends don't think I'm abusive.

    There's a reason I believe her over the therapists or my friends.
    Only I know my past. Two things actually.
    1. My father was abusive (both verbal and physical) and my childhood was a terror I never want to relive.
    2. I'd slapped my girlfriend from when I was 18 (physical abuse).

    I never slapped or even pushed anyone after that.
    I changed over the years, at least want to believe I did.
    The change wasn't a natural age induced mellowing down process, it was something I worked on.
    I reflected back on my actions.
    I realized how much low self esteem I'd from the life I'd lived, versus everyone else who came from regular families.
    I worked on letting go, wiping my slate clean and starting again as a new individual.
    I'm not able to put down every step I took, but it took years to change.
    I don't talk to my father now, we aren't in touch. I'm very much in touch with my younger sister & my mom.

    At 28, when my ex met me, she was pursuing her PhD in clinical research and I was pursuing my masters in computer science.
    We met through an online dating portal.
    At the very beginning, I didn't let myself take her seriously. I have a hard time trusting.
    But in a few months, I could see that she was a tad needy and would get offended if I spent time with my friends over her.
    In a few more months, I could tell that there's some trauma from her childhood that she hides, doesn't like to talk much about.
    That, in fact, helped me begin trusting her.
    She seemed more like me, for the lack of better words here, she seemed as damaged as I felt I was.

    And in my head, I decided to love this person, take care of her & not make her regret the kind of life she had in the past.

    And it was possible to do that, at 29 (a year had passed), I was earning a good 6 figures & she was pursuing her PhD and on her way to a good life herself.
    I started feeling really good about life at that point, I didn't realize that many of my memories from my past had sort of just been forgotten.

    Mistakes made during 1st year:
    ============
    1.
    She was way more fitter than I was. Don't get me wrong, I was active, but not as fit as she was.
    So whenever we went biking together, or hiking, she'd always beat me.
    She'd this competitive something that I initially liked to be honest.
    But with time, I started feeling like things that are supposed to be fun, like biking, or hiking or just a walk in the woods, becomes a task or something I'm making myself do unhappily.
    This was a topic of conflict (not major conflict) multiple times during the 1st year.

    2.
    During the 1st year, I also realized that she's a tad dominating.
    She was a part of this socialism group that met twice or thrice a week.
    Note here, that I lived in city B and she lived in city A (1 hour's drive from B).
    The meetings were in my city.
    So every Thursday, around 9.30pm, she'd expect to see me after her meetings.
    At the beginning, I was very excited, I used to look forward to them.
    But in a few months, although I still was excited, I began noticing the selfishness of that ask.
    I knew she had it tough with her PhD classes and these meetings and such, but it still felt a tad unfair that she couldn't spend time with me on Saturdays/Sundays when I actually had the weekends off.
    It got to the point where, I felt stubborn enough to not meet her on Thursdays even if I felt I could.
    I sort of wanted her to understand that things cannot just be the way she wants them to be, there has to be compromise from both.

    3.
    Another issue during the first year was the commute to her house.
    I lived with roommates & she lived on her own in a one bedroom apartment.
    So for us to "spend time" together, the most convenient place was her house as she lived on her own.
    But I didn't have a car then.
    So getting to her city, basically meant 2 hours of commute one way for me.
    I'm not lying or exaggerating here, but I changed 3 trains and then walked about 40 minutes to get to her house.
    By the time I got to her place, I used to be hungry most of the times, because the last I'd eaten was about 3 hours back.
    So I'd propose going to a restaurant close by & she didn't want to do that.
    She instead wanted to watch flight of the Concords and have sex.
    Don't get me wrong, I loved having sex with her, I was crazy about it, but I couldn't ignore regular things like hunger.
    Another interest of hers was to go hiking the moment I got to her apartment, that was also something I disliked.

    4.
    Reflection:
    When I reflect back on these issues.
    I think that I suffered from low self esteem about not being as fit as she was.
    I guess could have communicated in a better way about how I love that she's so active and interested in all of this & that she should pursue these with like minded people.
    It isn't wrong for partners to have different hobbies and not really share an interest in this together.
    But it insulted me, to accept that I wasn't as fit as she was (I wasn't unfit. I just wasn't at her level), so I chose to make her feel bad about making me go through it.
    There's no games nothing. I just think I did it to protect myself, I really don't know.


    end of year1, few months into year 2:
    =======
    By now, I was a few months away from graduating school.
    To resolve the commute problem, I moved into a studio apartment & we began spending a lot of more time together after that.
    She stayed with me sometimes & it was beautiful.

    Mistakes/problems during this period:
    ================
    1.
    This period lasted about 8 months.
    To resolve the commute problem, I moved to a studio apartment in my city & it indeed helped solve all our arguments related to the commute.
    We in fact, celebrated Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas in this apartment.
    I invited about 5 of my friends & she invited none of hers.
    That was a new topic that I thought about - about why she lacked too many friends and didn't really introduce me to the few she had.
    A couple of times, I was insensitive and told her upfront about how she needs to make more friends as she has none.
    When I look back, I feel that was very insensitive of me to say that.
    I should have instead taken her to meetups or something where I knew no one either, we could have both made new friends that none of us knew prior.
    I regret not taking that path.
    Overall during this period, we bonded more than ever.
    This is also the period when I started trusting her a little & opening up about my past.
    This is also when I told her a little bit about how my relationship is with my father & about how I'd physically hit a girl in the past that I dated - this had shocked her so much, that I started wondering if I shouldn't have told her about it. I felt relieved about sharing, but terrified about what she'd think of me after that. She didn't really say much, except 'if you ever do that to me, this would be over' & I took that warning seriously - I never did it to her, I never did it again to anyone in fact.

    2.
    A major setback happened at the very end of this period.
    She failed one of her PhD classes & was told to repeat that semester.
    She couldn't take this well, it hurt her ego and self worth a lot more than I thought it would.
    She'd literally lie under the bed and weep. I remember having to crawl down under the bed with her, bring her food & water, coffee.
    Sometimes she'd just want to sleep over me (under the bed).
    I felt really bad for her.
    She's not ditsy, she's pretty smart, hard working & sincere.
    If I have to put a finger on one reason why this could have happened - it was probably because she lacks social skills a little bit.
    She had the habit of being "too frank" and was that way with her course coordinator, the woman that also failed her.
    My ex was a tad stubborn in terms of accepting another way of thinking. She felt like her approach to a patient situation (PhD in clinical research) differed from the coordinator's approach a lot.
    She was warned by the coordinator to follow the rules laid out, but my ex wouldn't as it didn't feel right to her.
    I chimed my opinion in, once in a while, when asked, about how she should simply do what the coordinator expects for now.
    I told her how this is a course that she needs to get through & eventually, in life, when she practices, she can do what she feels is right at that point.
    After we got to know about the semester repeat part, she was devastated.
    I vowed to just be supportive of any decision she took at that point, my heart ached with her crying under the bed like that.
    She decided to quit school instead of repeating the course.
    During this span, we'd difficulty doing fun, couple things, as her life was difficult & it was hurting me to watch her go through all of that.
    She went on a solo vacation to Miami after quitting school.
    I wanted to go along, but I couldn't take days off my internship, so I couldn't go.

    3.
    After this vacation, she came back, a little more together, a little more stable & decided to hunt for jobs (note, she still had 2 Masters under her belt).
    This was also around the time when I'd graduated and was hunting jobs myself.
    Emotions were a little tensed here, because both of us were under pressure to find jobs and at major stages in life in general.
    She went through interview after interview & struggled a little. She'd practice interviewing with me. When I look back, this was actually fun, the whole 'being an interviewer' role play, if you want to call it that.
    We shopped for formal clothing for her & she looked proud and happy in them.
    I, on the other hand, was nervous, but not as much as her, because I'd not gotten out of a PhD program abruptly like that, so my confidence level was regular/normal.
    I secured the first job I interviewed for & got a 6 figure compensation.
    There was a little bit of resentment she had, which she openly showed me, about how I had the earning potential that was 4-5 times hers.
    She didn't feel it was fair - and she was right.

    I asked her if she was interested in computers and if she was, that I'd train her everyday.
    Its just that tech pays more and she can definitely do it if that interests her.
    She said she'd think about it.
    Soon after, she got a job at the best hospital in city B (my city) & I was extremely proud of her for that.
    And it paid well, for someone in her field.

    Once she realized she'd a job in my city, she wanted to stay in my apartment with me.
    Now, my landlord had strict rules about not having someone stay more permanently, other than me.
    And my landlord lived on the 2nd floor of my apartment, so it wasn't something I can dodge either.
    I asked her for sometime, so I can think about it, maybe talk to my landlord.
    Deep down, I wasn't sure if I was ready for her to 1. live with me permanently like that 2.share a studio apartment?! 3.I know my landlord would disagree & rightly so. 4. She wanted to bring her birds & the big cage along into my bedroom. 5. She wanted to move her Queen sized bed into my bedroom that already has my Queen sized bed (my mattress is apparently hard on her back).

    I know these things sound silly, but these were reasons that caused issues.
    In the span when I was supposed to think about it, 3 days into it, she just directly emailed my landlord on her own (with me in cc) asking if she can move in.
    That agitated me.
    Especially because, I'd asked her for time & was supposed to give me that.
    This was my house, my place of peace and I don't know if I was ready to be that intimate with her, I mean, to the point of sharing space permanently.
    This was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, so I apologize for stating 'permanently' too many times up here.
    Temporary, because I was to join my company in about 2-3 months & she'd already started working at the hospital. She wanted the 2-3 months to begin searching houses in my city.
    I still didn't feel ready to share my space like that, probably because the space was too small to share.

    Anyway, my landlord refused to accept.
    But my ex moved into my apartment anyway (with a Twin bed though instead of her original Queen sized bed thoughts).
    This lasted 2-3 months and we fought hard.
    Reason1: I felt like she dominated me in some way. Like she didn't respect my choice and went ahead and did what she needs to, even if it affects me
    Reason2: I used come home from the gym around 10.30-11 at night & she'd expect me to tip toe and not turn on the lights as she'd them off already & had to wake up early for work.
    I couldn't handle all that. I just felt like I couldn't live happily in my own house.
    Reason3: Her birds kept pooping everywhere on all my stuff, my washed clothes, chewed into my laptop cords, pooped on my bed, there are features everywhere, there's this bird stench.
    Again, I know you think I'm too critical or silly, but it just annoyed me..
    Reason4: One of her birds got pregnant and need special care, so then we'd to turn off the lights and be quiet even sooner.
    This lasted another 2 weeks or a little more.
    I started jogging at nights, for peace, to run away from this pressure.
    I started hating her a little in this span.
    This is also when I called her a to her face.
    And she wept for days after that.
    Of course, I apologized, but the damage was done. She was extremely hurt.
    To the point where, I started wondering if the word, '' means anything more than what you'd call someone in anger, doesn't excuse me using it.
    But I was really really just fed up of trying to talk, because she just wouldn't get it.
    She just couldn't see how she was suffocating me a little in those few months.


    Year 2 second half:
    ==========
    This is when I started looking for apartments in city C that I was going to move to.
    I'd asked my ex if she wasn't interested in taking over my lease at the present studio apartment in city B, as she was looking at apartments in city B anyway - now that she was working here.
    My ex wasn't interested in taking over my lease & that's perfectly fine.
    When apartment hunting started, I started feeling a little relaxed again, as it involved a lot of visiting new apartments and traveling outside my current circle of discomfort.
    I then almost zeroed in on one extremely beautiful 2bedroom apartment in city C. My plan was to move & a few months later, get a roommate for the 2nd bedroom.
    In the meantime, she was house hunting & getting extremely anxious at the thought of sharing a living space with strangers (remember, by now, she'd been staying alone for the last 3 years, so the thought of roommates, scared her). I tried telling her that its fun living with roommates, less loneliness, more friendship & you save some money too, but she kept worrying about hypothetical things.
    I'm not exaggerating, very honest - this is really what she kept worrying about:
    - what if my roommate turns out to be a drug addict and hits me or fights with me or scares me
    - what if they try to touch me (sexually)
    - what if they don't pay their share of rent and run away
    - what if they bring home some disease and I contract it

    Basically, she was just not looking at it with an open mind & too prepared for all the negative in the world to befall her.
    I knew, deep down, that it is in some way, her childhood trauma talking & all those reactions of hers, in a weird sort of way, brought out a fatherly instinct in me. I found myself explaining that none of all that would happen & if they do, she has me and it'll be okay.

    Ultimately, on my commencement day (and one month before I move into my new apartment), she asked me if she can move in with me into my apartment in city C.
    It was a very happy day for me, my commencement, it was also her birthday that day & she asked to move in with me.
    I was happy..
    I just let her know 2 things during my conversation with her that day:
    1. I need my bedroom to be just mine & that she can do whatever she wants with the rest of the house.
    2. I have a sad/strange relationship with my family (mom, sister) and when they come visit, I'm a different person altogether. I may not be loving towards her & they still (despite me being an adult) have a certain effect on me that changes me in the span they're around. I asked her if she can just let me be when they come visit and not pick fights with me or really expect anything boyfriend-like stuff when they're around. She was surprised to hear this information, but agreed.

    We moved into this apartment & all the shifting, decorating the house, relaxing on the patio, discovering the new city, experiencing a financially stable life, was bliss really.
    I bought my first car here. Life was really really great this year (2016 June - 2017 August) in this new house.
    Some very beautiful things we did here:
    - she taught me how to drive a car (yes I didn't know how to)
    - she started packing me lunch for work (I didn't expect this in the least, but it was so beautiful that she did it)
    - we'd a lot of sex in this house
    - I fell in love with her in this house, I decided deep within that I'll propose to her by the end of the year.
    - I loved her shortcomings. Loving her strengths is a given, but I loved how driving through traffic terrified her, talking to people terrified her. its like this box I'd built in my head and all those traits belonged to her, to my ex only.
    - We took our first long vacation this year. We went to Puerto rico, stayed at different islands.


    Mistakes/problems this year:
    =============
    1.
    Her commute
    Because she decided to live in city C with me, her commute from city C to city B was 1 hour 30 minutes, one way.
    So every day, she traveled about 3 hours on the train & she complained and complained about this.
    I just didn't know how to make her life simpler.
    I used to drop her off & pick her up from/to the local train station, but that reduced her overall journey for the day, by 30 minutes, she still had a 2.5 hour journey to go through.
    I sincerely felt sorry for her, I did, accept she wanted to move in with me, she already knew how long this journey would be.
    I deep down, I knew that her real reason to move in with me wasn't because she felt "sure about us", she just dreaded the thought of living with roommates & I was her known evil.
    And I was okay with that.
    I can't stop her from being scared of something she just is, I can just be there for her.
    Everyday, at work, I would receive multiple calls, multiple texts about how the train is slow & that she's stuck at station XYZ and that I'm lucky that my drive to work is 20 minutes (it was 20 minutes yes).
    I promised her that once this lease was up, I'd move to a city that's between city C and B, that way our journeys are more equal and no one suffers.
    She loved that offer, but the daily complaints continued, I just let her vent it out & with time, learned to send an 'I understand, I'm sorry, we'll move soon' text.

    2.
    The commute frustration would show in her tone of talking to me even at home.
    She'd just be pissed for no reason & would keep cornering me about what time I got home. If I ever get home before 6, that would be another fight about how unjust it is that she gets home no sooner than 7.15pm and I can get home by 6 and watch the sunset, while she's still stuck on the train somewhere. Sometimes, she'd say things like 'I'm wasting my life on the train'.
    This is when I started dropping/picking her from a little farther than just the local station, to further reduce her commute.
    I offered to move sooner, breaking our present lease - on a condition, that she teach me how to drive the distance if we move.
    I wasn't so sure about my driving skills, as I'd just learned how to drive, but I was willing to drive longer distances to get to work, I liked driving with the music on & stuff, so it didn't matter if I live farther.
    It had suddenly become easier for me to compromise as I'd started learning that I was falling for this woman.
    This woman who's so stubborn, set in her ways, terrified of tiny things, but hardworking, sincere, faced the world on her own.

    During one of those similar, frustrated talk days, we got into an argument for nothing significant really.
    Its so insignificant, that I can't even recall what the fight was about at the moment (its also because its been 2 years since 2016).
    Something about how she wouldn't let me express/talk about what I wanted to & kept responding with 'I'm sleepy, because I've been on the train the whole day, because we live so far from my workplace'. Its like she resented me & as if I chose this place for her - I chose this place for myself & put down only my name on the lease at first. Her joining in was a surprise (pleasant one).
    I think that one night, I couldn't hold back and I argued back.
    One thing led to another & I ended up calling her again (2nd time in our relationship).
    This time, she entirely stopped talking to me for about 2 weeks, slept in her own bedroom & texted me about how she wants to breakup.
    It killed me.
    I called her a , not because there's some special meaning that I know about that word.
    I called her that, because that's the only thing that would hurt her & I wanted to hurt her, because I was hurting real bad.
    I'd fallen in love with this girl & she couldn't see that she's hurting me here.
    It was in that moment, to make her stop that I called her that.

    Of course I apologized over and over.
    We made up & it was now more known than ever, to not call her a ever, anything but that word.

    3.
    A few months into moving into the new apartment (realized the fight stated up in #2 happened after this(#3)), she'd to travel outside the country for 2 weeks, her socialism group related conference or some.
    When she was away, we texted, skyped.
    In this span, her pregnant bird delivered (or whatever word it is you use for birds) a baby bird & my ex was worried that the bird will die due to the lack of calcium and other nutrients.
    So she gave me clear instructions on what needs to be fed (super soft boiled yams, squash, fresh dandelions, calcium slab of some sort).
    I was excited, about a new pet that I was witness to, with her in my life.
    In general, I was very happy and proud of having her in my life.
    I followed those instructions, the male bird kept attacking me when I entered her room (and it hurts).
    During those frequent trips to her bedroom & all the dodging the bird with a blanket and stuff, I found a box that caught my attention - the box had journals, many of them.

    I got intrigued. I knew it was wrong & I shouldn't have intruded, but I did.
    I read her journal, I read 3 of them & then stopped at the 3rd, because I was affected by what I'd read and didn't want to be hurt.
    I couldn't decide between telling her about it or avoiding more hurt and fights by not telling her.
    So I consulted with a close friend about this, this close friend has met my ex multiple times and they're in good terms.
    My close friend told me to not tell my ex about reading her journals until she returns back to the States, so it can be done face to face & that I can be there for her if she breaks down or something.
    Although I agreed to that advice, the guilt wasn't bearable & I was behaving strange with my ex when we chatted and skyped - to the point where she cornered me.
    And I couldn't think of anything to tell her to buy time until she comes back & I spilled it.
    She was so hurt but the breach of trust that she decided to break up. I really tried to tell her that I read 3 journals among the rest & the stuff I read changed me, in that, i started loving her more, I respect her more for having kept herself together for so long. All my talk didn't matter, because when it came to actions, I'd done what insecure, clingy men do..I broke her trust.
    So I sort of accepted whatever decision she makes, even if that means a breakup, although I'd definitely begun wondering if I love this woman (this incident happened 2 months into moving into the new apartment).

    She came back to the states, we barely talked for a week.
    And then she said she'll continue the relationship and there was a punishment that I needed to go through first.
    i. She needed me to tell all my friends about what I did (without disclosing the contents of the journal of course)
    ii. She needed me to buy her a file cabinet that comes with a lock and a key.
    iii. There weren't going to be any second chances if I was ever found sneaking into her journals, that I needed to wait for her to open up to me as she feels comfortable.

    I did all three.



    4.
    This one is the worst & happened at the very end of our stay in this apartment.
    Around June 2017, my family (including my father that I don't talk to) decided to come visit me.
    It'd been years (about 2+ years) since we last met & they wanted to feel like a family again or something like that.
    Months before they arrived, I was terrified, I'd started biting my nails, that terrified.
    By 2016, I was a strong man that can defend myself, but the thought of facing my father again just terrified me & I didn't want to.
    But it meant a lot to my mom, seeing us all together, so I gave in.
    I'd discussed, nights after nights about how I'm worried that this visit could actually break us up, that I become a different person, that they have a different effect on me.
    I was so needy in the days leading to June, that I made my ex promise me not to break up with me as a result of anything that happens during the visit - she did.

    My family arrived, my ex was extremely beautiful, lovely around them, gently giving me the strength to deal with all of it.
    My family stayed in my house for 3-4 days & then, the plan was to visit places on the east coast (nyc, niagara falls, philly, etc).
    Those 3/4 days were bearable, because at the end of the day, I got to sleep with my ex in her bedroom (my parents slept in my bedroom).
    Just being able to hug my ex was heavenly.
    She was very loving, very very loving towards me, sort of like she could see through the pain I might have gone through as a kid - or I just want to believe this, I don't know.

    After that, I went with my family on this trip, which lasted about 15 days & I missed my girlfriend dearly.
    After watching the way she handled my family, the maturity - I decided that I was financially at a point where I can afford a great ring and provide (if she needs me to) her a great life.
    I loved her. I wanted to propose after my parents left, not just a thought, something I'd decided & felt excited about.

    My mother decided to stay back with me in my (my ex and mine) apartment after my family left - for 1.5 months, until July 28th 2017.
    She felt like she longed to cook for me as she couldn't when I was younger & wanted to ensure that I'm happy.
    I respected her for that and I couldn't get myself to tell her not to stay with me.. Deep down I also wondered if my father was abusive towards my mom and this was her way to reach out for help?
    I couldn't quite tell.

    This was when things started deteriorating between my ex and me. I so regret this.
    Today, when I reflect back, I'd have told my mom to not stay back or at least postponed this stay for sometime in the future.
    My ex needed me. We'd not been affectionate towards each other for 15 days and she still respected my decision to have mom stay with us for a month longer.
    Since my mom has blood pressure. Every evening after I got home from work (6pm is), I took my mom out for a walk (prescribed by her pcp), we'd get home around 8 & then she'd begin cooking dinner.
    I couldn't let her cook on her own, so I ended up helping.
    The only time I could see my ex was when all 3 of us had dinner together at nights.

    When it came to sleeping, my mom was apparently terrified of sleeping alone and requested that I put up our livingroom twin bed in her bedroom and sleep in the same room.
    so that ask, took the last bit of comfort my ex and I shared - I obliged.

    My ex grew distant from me in this 1 month.
    There were times when I could hear her cry, I used to rush to her bedroom & she'd request that I come sleep there, but I couldn't. I feel like a stupid mama's boy, so foolish, because my mom could not save me from my dad as a kid. I don't know why I gave in to her asks. I sort of resent my mother for this..but then I feel, I'm responsible for this.
    I should have been an adult and just plain told my mom to be more responsible for herself.
    There were so many issues in this 1 month.
    - my mom thought that my ex hated her
    - my mom thought that my ex had lunch without giving her (silly, I know)
    - my mom felt hurt that I wanted to sleep in my ex's bedroom when she was terrified of sleeping alone. And because it'd been years since we hung out and she thought I'd probably be missing family.
    - my mom went behind my back and tried advising my ex to compromise on the "moving to our next apartment closer to her workplace".
    - my mom ruined my relationship, even if she didn't intend to...It just hurts to accept this.
    - during this period, my ex made a photo collage of me that she'd made on her own cause she was missing me. During one of my angry moments, I tore it - in front of her.
    I don't know why I'd gotten so harsh and rude, I can't believe that I did that. I can't believe that I have the ability to hurt someone so much.
    It was a bad time.
    I then used sellotape and stuck all the tiny shredded pieces back and showed her, but I'd hurt her already, she'd wept.

    During the last 2 weeks of my mom's stay, my ex's and my emotions had resuscitated a bit.
    The hope that its nearing the end (wrong use of words, but it felt that suffocating) made us happy.
    Along with the regular emotions, my ex started her usual extreme anxiousness and nervousness about hunting for a new apartment.
    Our lease was expiring on Sep 1st and it was nearing that day.
    So she got into her usual dominating "avataar" and started house hunting for the both of us - I didn't mind this, remember I'd decided to propose to this woman, I just loved her more than I could ever love anyone now.

    My mom did her best interfering with the house hunting and commenting on things, my ex broke down multiple times.
    I think the fact that my mother continues to live with an abusive husband, is proof that she doesn't respect women or believes in some shape or form that "men are superior" and she tried to bring about that dynamic in my relationship - I think. I can't change someone who's believed that for years, I just wanted this to be over & for my life to be back to normal & I had already started thinking about ways I'd propose to my ex.

    The house hunting got very tough on us with my mom being there.
    We finally zeroed in on one house, we loved it.
    Shifting was pretty tough too. My mom left on the 28th of July & we'd 3 days to pack and move & a lot of stuff to move, so my ex and I got on each other's nerves in those 3 days.
    The change that comes with moving, all the distance between us from mom's stay had gotten us longing for one, just one single day of relaxation, love.

    By September 3rd, we were completely done with moving into the new apartment in city D.
    The new apartment wasn't yet setup, we'd furniture all the way in the kitchen.
    The plan was to complete all of that over this week & to relax and have a lot of sex, I wanted to be with her, I longed to hug her.
    And it was magical, hugging her, after all obstacles were cleared.
    September 6th, 3 days after we moved to the new city, we'd planned to go to the city after work & just discover the new place.
    I was excited about our first easy day out in months.
    I got home by 7.15 pm from work (earliest I could get after we moved farther from my workplace).
    She didn't get home yet & texted me about how there was this socialism related meeting that day that she wanted to go to.
    She went on to request that I not pick a fight with her when she comes back, because she's feeling energized and refreshed from the meeting, which was something she hadn't felt for a long time.

    I was extremely offended. I was looking forward to a day like this from months.
    I wanted to hold her, love her, be with her. I wish for once she'd put me as a priority over her socialism meetings -Just that day.
    She came home late as she said she would. We couldn't go anywhere.
    I was a tad aloof, but I tried living up to her request about not picking a fight.
    Thats when she put some restaurant take away into our refrigerator. I was confused, so I asked her when she got it.
    And I could tell she was hesitant (I feel guilty that she felt scared here..I love her, my intention was not to have her scared). She said after the socialism meeting was over, she hung out with the folks from the meeting and got dinner with them.

    That's when I called her a , again.
    I found her sunglasses on a table next to me & broke it.

    She broke up with me after that, this time it was permanent.

    Post breakup:
    ========
    I've apologized after this, in all possible ways there is. She made up her mind.
    After I moved out from our apartment in October,she had a hard time finding a roommate for 2 months. I paid the rent till November & moved back to my original city C apartment, fortunately or unfortunately, my previous landlord had not found another tenant, so I moved back in. She found a roommate finally, who moved in, this Jan (2018) and they're now in a relationship and in love.

    Its been 6 months now. She kept wanting for us to be friends, so I tried to be friends at the very beginning, but it was too painful to watch her feel alright about us not being together.
    Finally, after a lot of hurting, I stopped talking to her entirely since March.

    Since then, she's reached out via texts, called, called my friends asking about me, but I haven't responded.
    I still can't believe, to this day, that I'd found someone I liked so much and I lost her.

    I'm okay now, the pain keeps coming in bouts.
    I go on dates here and there, but no relationships so far.


    Two questions:
    =======
    1. Am I abusive?
    2. If yes, do I just tell my therapist that I'm and to accept it for a fact and continue verbal abuse correction therapy ?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    Ok..so ENA doesn't allow swear words so I'm not sure what word you called her but I can guess.

    She got dinner with friends and you called her this word and broke her glasses. Yes that's abusive. I would have left too. If your therapist says it isn't that's pretty strange and not helpful so I'd get another therapist.

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    Originally Posted by charity
    Ok..so ENA doesn't allow swear words so I'm not sure what word you called her but I can guess.

    She got dinner with friends and you called her this word and broke her glasses. Yes that's abusive. I would have left too. If your therapist says it isn't that's pretty strange and not helpful so I'd get another therapist.
    I called her a b.i.tch

    Thanks for reading through all of it. I'll find a different therapist.

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    Its a long read but an interesting story. You seem like you have a lot of love in your heart but you expect so much from her. And you give so much too. But it all seems very...needy. You keep trying to protect and help her and you associate this with love. Bu if she does something 'wrong' you call names, break things. Why not talk things out? Why so angry over such a small thing? Women are physically hurt by men all the time. Name calling and breaking things is too much anger that you are not controlling. Other will chime in with better advice so I hope that helps.

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    Thank you charity.

    I'm going to anger management, that is something my present Therapist said I definitely should go into. Currently working on triggers.

    But, keeping aside the professional advice from therapists, my personal refection was that, I was/am going through low self esteem, for whatever reasons, past/present, I just was/am. I realized that whenever there were instances where something made me realize that I'm lacking somewhere, I'd react by blaming her instead. And this wasn't just something I did to her,I think I believed it was her, even within. Now when I sit down and write them step by step on a piece of paper, I see no reason why she was to be blamed. I could have just told her that I'd like to talk about this, but now is not a great time. I could have written things down over the next few days and presented to her, maybe that is how I'd have dealt with it. I'm still open to seeing what techniques will be taught during the oncoming sessions, but presently this is what I could come up with.

    The only thing I couldn't make peace with.. Was how could all the love and affection have gone unnoticed. I've learned to not let this question affect me, but I can't forget it. Also why does she want friendship with me if I hurt her so much.

    In any case, thank you for reading through it all. It is really long, I just wanted to pour it all out.

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    I'm not sure why you think all the love and affection went unnoticed? I'm sure she did love and appreciate that. That doesn't mean you get to behave abusively and she will stay with you.

    I guess she wants to be friends because she still cares for you. It's not realistic but its hard to let go completely.

    If you have low self esteem, its up to you to work on that. She can be understanding of that but its not her role to fix it or change her life to suit you.

    The dynamic with your mom is super unhealthy. Her being scared to sleep alone, needing you to sleep with her...? Your relationship with women is perhaps being based on this 'protection' dynamic that your mom has created.

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    The mom thing - That's something no one ever pointed out, you're right.

    My ex not being responsible for fixing me - this is what I'm working on accepting. For some reason, I feel like the person who loves you, is responsible to fix you as well. Accepting the change.

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    That's when I called her a , again.
    I found her sunglasses on a table next to me & broke it.


    Breaking a personal item of someone's on purpose is very abusive.
    especially if they were prescription and helped her see.
    YES YOU ARE AN ABUSER.

    I would have walked out immediately if i was in a relationship with someone who did that and would have never looked back.

    When it came to sleeping, my mom was apparently terrified of sleeping alone and requested that I put up our livingroom twin bed in her bedroom and sleep in the same room.

    This speaks to emotional incest. Your mother's behavior over the years has caused you to feel personally responsible for your feelings and if you decided to sleep with mommy instead of with girlfriend, then that is something that is a bigger problem than GF should put up with. I understand if you decided to sleep separate while the parents were there out of respect for them - since you are not married, etc, if that is what you decided to do, but this is so different.

    I do NOT blame this young woman one bit for leaving you. She dodged a bullet for sure. If she didn't leave you now, her face could have ended up like the glasses, or you would have broken up with her because you were sick of hearing mom's opinion about her and sick of mom's interference.

    I do not think that "verbal abuse reprogramming" is all - because someone can learn to not call someone a bad name - but just channel the abuse into some other act - violence, economic abuse, emotional abuse, etc. you have to do more than that.

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    I broke her sunglasses, non prescription, doesn't excuse it, but just letting you know.
    And yes, she walked out immediately after that, we weren't in a relationship a single day after that incident.

    It is really difficult to read the 'she dodged a bullet' part. Difficult to believe that I'm that person we're talking about.
    Thanks, I needed to hear that.

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    Originally Posted by Broken77
    I broke her sunglasses, non prescription, doesn't excuse it, but just letting you know.
    And yes, she walked out immediately after that, we weren't in a relationship a single day after that incident.

    It is really difficult to read the 'she dodged a bullet' part. Difficult to believe that I'm that person we're talking about.
    Thanks, I needed to hear that.
    My abusive ex would say that -- bring up a technicality like that --
    it doesn't matter - her glasses, her sunglasses, her purse, an item her grandma gave her that's really important to her, her makeup - ANYTHING!!
    Its also controlling because you threw a tantrum because she dared do something independent of you.

    I am glad she walked out instead of becoming the weaker party in an abusive relationship. YES she dodged a bullet.

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