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Drunken hook-up


LifeasMe

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I've been in a new and intimate relationship with a much younger guy for a few weeks. We have yet to define the relationship or decide if we want to commit to each other. I recently had a blacked-out-drunk hook-up with another guy and I'm racked with guilt. I have no excuse, it's all on me. I have never, ever did anything like that and I do not plan on repeating it. It meant nothing.

 

As the relationship is so new, I have chosen not to confess. I'd only be confessing to ease my guilty conscience. I am such an idiot.

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Having sex with an incompatible stranger, and doing it again while drunk, and you think this is only about a confession?? :eek:

 

I'm not having sex with an incompatible stranger. I'm in the beginning of a relationship with a very compatible man.

 

And I don't think this is only about a confession, no.

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Been there, done that. Don't tell him, it indeed will only make you feel less guilty. Even if you tell him you were blacked out, he won't understand, only people who black out can understand. It's going to be hard, but you can do it.

 

Work on your issue with alcohol, that's going to be a lot harder. That's your real problem, not the "cheating". And that's your problem, not his. People can do very dangerous things while blacked out and having sex is just one of them. If you tell him, he will only focus on the sex part and it's too soon for him to be supportive. Treat this as if it was a family problem you have that you wouldn't tell a guy you just got into a relationship with. Check out alcoholics forums, you'll find a lot of similar stories to yours. If you don't like AA, there are a variety of programs that can help you. You don't need to be addicted to alcohol to have a problem and these people can help you even if you don't decide to quit completely. Of course they will suggest you to, but still. If you can go to a meeting, they say it's even better. Never been to one, but I'm sure they are right.

 

As for dealing with the guilt, do something creative; work out; talk to a trustworthy friend, but most of the work is internal, unfortunately.

Feel free to ask any questions ,unfortunately, this is way too familiar to me.

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Been there, done that. Don't tell him, it indeed will only make you feel less guilty. Even if you tell him you were blacked out, he won't understand, only people who black out can understand. It's going to be hard, but you can do it.

 

Work on your issue with alcohol, that's going to be a lot harder. That's your real problem, not the "cheating". And that's your problem, not his. People can do very dangerous things while blacked out and having sex is just one of them. If you tell him, he will only focus on the sex part and it's too soon for him to be supportive. Treat this as if it was a family problem you have that you wouldn't tell a guy you just got into a relationship with. Check out alcoholics forums, you'll find a lot of similar stories to yours. If you don't like AA, there are a variety of programs that can help you. You don't need to be addicted to alcohol to have a problem and these people can help you even if you don't decide to quit completely. Of course they will suggest you to, but still. If you can go to a meeting, they say it's even better. Never been to one, but I'm sure they are right.

 

As for dealing with the guilt, do something creative; work out; talk to a trustworthy friend, but most of the work is internal, unfortunately.

Feel free to ask any questions ,unfortunately, this is way too familiar to me.

 

Thank you. I totally relate to everything you have said. I do have a problem with alcohol, this I know. I need to do some soul searching for sure.

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No need to tell him. You had a nsa one night stand. Most of us have been here. This happened to me a month into a relationship I had with an ex. We never talked about being exclusive, only being together for a month and on about 10 dates. One night out with the guys I met a woman and was pretty drunk. That's all it was; meaniless sex.

 

Sounds like your still in the grace period. If you feel guilty, then maybe it's your mind telling you it's time to have the exclusive talk. Sit down and talk about what both of your intentions are, but I definitely would not tell him about the hook up.

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Just to update... I did confess. I just couldn't start a relationship on a lie. I am glad I did and I feel so much better about myself.

 

Turns out I did not have sex with the other guy, I took to my senses and stopped it before it got that far. But the fact remains that I still got myself into the position that I could have, and I still cheated to a lesser extent. I agree with all posters that I need to address my alcohol issues.

 

The younger man has decided not to forgive me and has ended it with me. While I am devastated by this, I still wouldn't change my decision. Honesty is the best policy for my own peace of mind. Now I need to learn to forgive myself and get on with life.

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Sorry this happened but of course you knew it would. Dating casually is not about true confessions. Save your most personal info, drinking problems and sexual misadventures for therapists. Excellent you've chosen to help yourself and improve your life by getting sober. While honesty is the best policy, TMI to random dates is not.

I did confess...The younger man has decided not to forgive me and has ended it with me.
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Damn glad I’ve never dated a woman like you.

 

You better get tested for STD’s. You don’t want the guy your actually dating to find out what you have been up to because of a itching croch. It could also be a dripping that gives you away. Just think here is this guy that might be faithful to you with no stds. Then just because you have drunken black out sex with someone you ruin your so-called bf’s life.

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  • 3 months later...

Just a quick update...

 

We stayed together... but now he has ended it due to the age gap. Alcohol issues are addressed and I intend to keep it that way.

 

With regards to the initial post... we both agreed while it was not technically cheating, it did cause trust issues.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Thanks Usa1ah. Trust me I still beat myself up over it and it still affects me. It was so out of character.

 

As for the relationship... we actually got back together and then split again. Vicious circle. I am hoping to draw a line under it now.

 

Drinking is still under control.

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I applaud you for telling the truth. Honesty may seem tough but in the long run it is what's best for your soul. The truth mattered because you knew the truth and it was hurting you that you damaged the implied trust between you.

 

Looking for technicalities to absolve ourselves from telling the truth is the first sign something isn't right. Imagine if things did work out great between you two and you never told him and then one day it comes out.

 

You did the right thing for you and you shouldn't regret that one bit.

 

The escape the heavy drinking gives you is troubling, don't think you can just stop doing it and be okay. There is something deeper leading you down that path so search for it and conquer it.

 

Please be careful

 

Lost

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I think you did the right thing. In the beginning stages your pre-dating and if your likely to get blackout and hook up with a stranger with barely any memory while just "talking", whats going to stop you from doing it while in a relationship? Good for you that you are working on your alcohol issues, I know from first hand experience what you are going through, it gets easier as time goes on. Best of luck and stay in tune with your feelings.

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Thanks for the replies @lostandhurt and @chris12189

 

I do not regret telling the truth... I do imagine if things would have been different if I didn't. But deep down I know it was right for me. I cannot lie.

 

The heavy drinking has stopped. I saw the spiral it was causing. The cause was loneliness and rejection. I am better than that.

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