Am I in the wrong

I broke up with my bf of 3 years 3 weeks ago, he's made it clear it's over and in any contact we've had has became more and more distant, ignoring me a lot of the time.

I've been struggling so bad and last night went out and got drunk and kissed someone else. A mutual friend saw and has told him.

He contacted me today to tell me he's been feeling really bad about how he's making me feel but now that he's found this out he couldn't care less and I've never to contact him again.

Now I feel guilty and like I've hurt him and like I'm wrong for doing that, even tho he's made it very clear that it's over between us for good.

I don't feel you are in the wrong here - you shouldn't feel guilty.,

If this is the boyfriend that was undemonstrative and uncommitted then I have a sense he's using this drunken kiss as a further means to act like the hurt party; in fact it sounds like you gave it your all and he wasn't prepared to invest in the relationship. If I may say so, and of course from my limited knowledge of him, it seems like he hasn't much emotional intelligence. Would you say this was the case? Kiss or no kiss, I feel it wouldn't make much difference to him. I say tough luck on him.

How did the kiss make you feel - feeling of guilt aside.

He's just butt hurt you seem to be moving on. You are single and have done nothing wrong. He was hoping you would chase him, it's just his ego.

Screw him :)

Thanks. The kiss didn't really mean anything I was drunk and it was a distraction at the time.

I still feel hurt but feel a little angry today which I'm glad about. He's let me apologise and take responsibility for our whole relationship ending, said that he can't do this anymore because how I act is too hard and stressful for him.

Says that he's hurt and it's easier for him if we don't talk.

I hope the anger sticks around because it's easier to deal with than the immense sadness and despair

I would be angry if I was the one doing all the apologising and taking all the responsibility. I would be very wound up too if he made no effort to talk or listen. The anger may morph into other feelings and back round again, but if it was me I think it's time for some distance from him and zero contact. I myself am prone to giving power to a partner by taking on too much responsibility and not expressing my truth and authenticity. Maybe it is time for you take your power back as it seems he is robbing you of it.

Yeah I think you're right. Part of me really wants to message him and tell him I'm mad and that the reason the relationship failed was him not me, as I think he now believes it was my fault. But I know no good will come of it I'll just get ignored and feel silly tomorrow. I'm going to do no contact from now. I've been trying to but I never get past 2 days. In need to find some distractions this week to keep me going.

You are absolutely not in the wrong. And this "friend" who saw this and reported back to him is not much of a friend.

His ego is bruised. That's all this is about.

You are free to kiss other guys, and even enjoy it! It doesn't matter if you were drunk and it was mistake; you are within your rights to kiss anyone you like. Him calling you up and scolding you for it is utterly laughable.

Come on here and post or pm if you feel like breaking no contact. I've managed 2 weeks now and it gets easier and you feel the benefits. I still want to contact her though-it is just I have a sense now of what I will lose if I do it, and it makes sense to remain thus anyway until you feel a sense of neutrality and are not driven by strong emotions.

Thanks I know it's for the best because contacting him just makes me feel worse.

Why/how did your relationship end?

That's how I stopped, when I noticed that I was causing myself more pain by communicating.

Mine ended because it was a LDR, with added complications. The relationship was fine but circumstances (hers) weren't. It was all very sudden and it felt like the person I had known vanished overnight. That's why I had to go NC.

You are not in the wrong, but don't break no contact. It sounds like this relationship was over or you wouldn't have ended it, right? Three years is a significant relationship and it will take time for both of you to move on.

Keep moving forward. I don't recommend getting intoxicated during your healing process, it never helps. Your healing will go much better if you work on yourself and don't indulge in alcohol or anything else.

Work on you and do not look back at this point. Time will help and tell. But, no matter what he does or says, be the better person and don't indulge in back and forth nonsense. You will feel much better about yourself, trust me.

Mitch

So he messaged today to saying "I'm sorry" I replied saying it was fine and left it at that.

He then said he was angry but we had such a great time together that he didn't want to leave it on bad terms, and I didn't respond.

I'd been feeling good the last 2 days and ready to move on, now this has set me back. I really understand why no contact is good now.

I had a kind of hunch he might be in touch. Such is the power of No Contact! Not that we should go NC as a means to get someone to contact us, but during that raw stage not long after breaking up, and having time to think and miss someone and self-reflect, the other partner can sometimes reach out. I think maybe you should still feel good though? He is showing some emotion and thoughtfulness, though late in the day. But maybe it is best to maintain NC for now and mull it over, rather than consider engaging with him and thinking (if you were) of a reconciliation. He's not saying he wants that though, just not to leave it on bad terms. I think it still needs time.

Yeah I suppose it's nice to think that's he's still thinking of me in a way, also kind of feels like another dig tho, texting to say sorry but remind me we're over.

Posting here instead of messaging my ex.

I was doing fine until he contacted me yesterday, I was thinking of him less, I've even put myself back out there and been chatting to a couple other guys.

I'd accepted it was over and was trying to move on.

But now those thoughts are creeping back in. What made him message. He must still be thinking about me. Does he still have feelings. If I hadn't of replied would it have made him miss me more.

I know all these thoughts are counterproductive to healing but it's kind of set me back now.

Idontevenkno,

When he messaged you did he ask how you were doing? He said he was sorry, but was that to help him or you? My guess is himself. He said he was angry and didn't want to leave it on bad terms. Did he ask you if you were angry, upset, crying, depressed, anxious, etc....?

I'm sorry, but he is reaching out for him, for his own ego and to make himself feel better. The moment you stop communicating he starts to text you, it's typical behavior. He misses your attention.

NC is the only way to go here and that means responding back to him. I have a feeling you won't initiate again as you have learned that doesn't work, but please try to refrain from answering his texts.

"You called to say your missing me, but never asked how I feel." John Newman - Out of My Head

We are all here for you.

Mitch