Wife possibly bi-polar where is the line? What am I dealing with?

I'm in quite a situation... quick back story.

 

5 years together married one. Her mood swings have always been an issue. Worse with alcohol. She blows up at me or anyone else while drinking. At first it wasn't constant, the year leading up to the wedding her alcohol usage increased as did the episodes.

 

Almost a year into our marriage she blows up at her sister and brothers girlfriend in our garage. She was drunk, her sister, brothers girlfriend and I did not have that much to drink. Her brother steps in a few days later, as do I and ask her to see a psychiatrist. She chooses to finally do this. Family Dr. had her on Prozac and Wellbutrin. Psychiatrist immediately starts to wean her off of it and puts her on I believe Lamictal.

 

I have always had issues attracting people that need help. I'm co-dependent and well aware of it. I've gotten much better at not trying to help or caring. I know that I cannot help her, but marriage is also marriage to me. I do not want to just walk away until I gather the right perspective.

 

So with that said, here is the current situation. Wife and I are out to dinner last week. We've had about 4 drinks each. She's on the phone with her mother explaining her sisters current sexual and relationship situation. She raises her voice and says something derogatory. I ask her to please keep her voice down, as it was getting embarrassing. She raises her voice to me to the point that I just almost walk out. I paid the tab and we left. We go to this place a lot. One of the workers asked her to be quiet. It was awkward and not what I like to be seen as in public.

 

She hangs up with her mom. Her mom calls me and hangs up. I call her back. She rips me a new one... calls me controlling, and all sorts of other things my wife has said to me through the years. Basically her Mother reiterated my wife's perspective on anything that ever went wrong in our relationship or how my wife has felt after certain arguments. My wife does not have the ability to listen to my perspective and it appears she doesn't trust me. She's had issues. She's been in abusive relationships, was raped when 14...

 

the easy thing for me to do is file for divorce and run in this situation, start over and run again whenever I hear someone has been abused. I'm trying to determine if her bi-polar disorder could cause this, or am I just dealing with a nut job of a wife? I've lost friends because of her actions... I've had friends that told me not to marry her. She's verbally abusive to me when she has these episodes. She calls me names and tries to degrade me. Has anyone else had experience like this with someone that is bi-polar? How much of it is due to the bi-polar disorder and how much of it is just her?

 

I haven't talked to her about this yet. I'm not even sure the Dr. has diagnosed her with being bi-polar, but when you look up the medication that is what it is for. I'm more concerned with the things her mother said to me, and how disrespectful that is to me. My wife has painted me to be something I'm not. I understand people and their personalities are rarely black and white. I'm not happy, but I also don't want to just leave and get divorced without trying to work through it. Is it even worth it? Anyone have experience with this?

 

Please and thanks for any help as always.

The typical response would be to have your wife seek professional help. But since she's in the care of a psychiatrist, that advice would be moot.

 

All you can control here is your own reactions, your own side of the street. This isn't about just helping someone who has, say, a physical issue where they need help getting around. This ends up affecting you, as her anger and her outbursts are directed at you. She does this because you've allowed it, and she has others on her "team" who enable her (her mother). This is analogous to someone who has a physical issue, and you help them get around, and they kick you in the shins....repeatedly.

 

I suggest you seek a great therapist who has experience with Cluster B disorders, and the Empaths/Codependents such as yourself who are engaged with them. This likely stems from something in your childhood, and you will cycle over and over again with similar issues (as you say you "attract" them) for your entire life until you get to the root of what is causing this, for you.

 

This isn't about helping her. She's already getting help. This is for you.

 

Do you divorce, stay, separate, or another option? That's up to you. But what you really need to do is seek help to uncover what's in your past that has caused you to allow and enable yourself to be treated this way. Getting up from the table in one fit of anger only fuels her fire. There's something much deeper here, and a very well-trained therapist can help you figure it out.

Yes, she's getting help, but what concerns me is her knowingly indulging in substances that exacerbate her symptoms (assuming she's diagnosed). Coming from someone who enjoys his share of drink and then some, if I'm going through a time I'm a bit more anxious from PTSD, the liquor and wine stays in the cabinet. I know the person I can become when the two mix and that's not something I can justify exposing my partner to. That paves a very smooth road to verbal abuse, and if your wife unfortunately needs to cut alcohol out of her life for good, that's just what she'll have to do (though it'd need to be of her own volition-- you can't police her).

 

I don't necessarily blame you for walking out, either, as you're in a position to choose between a milder but more publicly humiliating outburst in the middle of the restaurant or a more severe but private chewing out afterward.

 

I would likewise encourage some therapy for yourself, though. That you'd put up with this for five years, even if more sparingly in the past, isn't the best of signs for your own mental health. If she's unwilling to stop the substance abuse of her own free will and desire, you may not have a choice but to file the paperwork.

I have a relative who has the same problems with your wife (bi-polar depression and alcoholism). She ended up driving BOTH her husband and children away that they are no longer in the picture. Contact has been permanently severed. She is no longer welcomed at many family events because she cannot handle herself at all like an adult, even though she is seeing a therapist. She refuses to stop drinking which is the root of the problem.

 

At my own wedding, I had to ask the bartender to stop serving her after three cocktails because she was creating a scene and drawing negative attention to herself. She then proceeded to throw a temper tantrum (was observed throwing a chair halfway across the room), which then prompted my family to contact security to physically remove her from the reception premise. It's funny how she complained about me "babbling" at her wedding when I was a toddler, but her behavior was far worse at my wedding and she's a grown ass woman. She isn't even invited to my sister's upcoming wedding because of the stunt she pulled at mine. I don't even want her visiting my upcoming baby this summer OR at my baby shower. She a very bitter woman living alone. she's tried dating other men, but she is too much to handle. It's extremely sad, but unfortunately her behavior and alcoholism has caused her to alienate herself from her own family.

 

I don't exactly know your wife or your situation, but I'm just sharing my experience. I wish I had a better story to share, but I honestly don't.

 

So with that said, here is the current situation. Wife and I are out to dinner last week. We've had about 4 drinks each. She's on the phone with her mother explaining her sisters current sexual and relationship situation.

This entire situation could of been easily prevented.

 

1. She stops drinking altogether. In fact, having four drinks at a restaurant is too many in one sitting. Who's driving? In fact she shouldn't be drinking AT ALL while under medication for depression. Alcohol is a depressant and will counter the effects of the medication. You should have known this being her husband.

 

2. She shouldn't be on the phone while at a restaurant. Step outside and take the call if it's an emergency, let the person know you are busy, or just let it go to voicemail. Lay down some ground rules while out on a date. It's inconsiderate and rude AF to be talking on your phone while in a restaurant. You should of spoken up about it- especially when it was a lewd conversation for people to overhear. I once sat in a section of a restaurant three weeks ago that had a middle-aged woman on the phone for over 10 minutes and a family with an infant. Guess who was the most disruptive? The woman yaking away on her phone so loudly and putting her calls on speaker phone (who TF does this?) that I had to personally shout at her to shut up. A couple sitting next to me even chimed in. The infant didn't even cry once. Pathetic that a baby can behave better out in public than a grown ass woman.

 

Her mom calls me and hangs up. I call her back. She rips me a new one... calls me controlling, and all sorts of other things my wife has said to me through the years. Basically her Mother reiterated my wife's perspective on anything that ever went wrong in our relationship or how my wife has felt after certain arguments.

Ah-ha, so her mom is the enabler of her behavior. That says everything.

 

The relative I mentioned? Also has a mother who pulls this act too. Blames everyone else but her daughter's behavior. So nope, your wife is not going to change if shes got a ringleader mother... shes going to think YOU are the problem.

 

I'm trying to determine if her bi-polar disorder could cause this, or am I just dealing with a nut job of a wife?

So here's the bottom line:

Your wife has a drinking problem and a mental illness. Her mother enables her behavior, meddles in your marriage when it's none of her damn business, and outright verbally abuses YOU... turning you into the bad guy here. If your wife truly values her marriage and really wants to better herself, she would stop consuming alcoholic beverages and seriously follow the suggestions/exercises that her therapists provides. She has to WANT the change; you can't wish or do it for her. Otherwise therapy AND the medication are wasteful. Anyone with serious mental illness should not be inducing narcotics or alcohol, period. I sincerely hope you guys don't have any children until she can get it together or before you consider leaving.

 

Personally, I wouldn't put up with any of this based on my experience with a family member. Can you honestly imagine being in this dynamic for 5 years or more? If you can't then you know the answer to your marriage. Sorry I don't have any better news for you. Good luck.

The typical response would be to have your wife seek professional help. But since she's in the care of a psychiatrist, that advice would be moot.

 

All you can control here is your own reactions, your own side of the street. This isn't about just helping someone who has, say, a physical issue where they need help getting around. This ends up affecting you, as her anger and her outbursts are directed at you. She does this because you've allowed it, and she has others on her "team" who enable her (her mother). This is analogous to someone who has a physical issue, and you help them get around, and they kick you in the shins....repeatedly.

 

I suggest you seek a great therapist who has experience with Cluster B disorders, and the Empaths/Codependents such as yourself who are engaged with them. This likely stems from something in your childhood, and you will cycle over and over again with similar issues (as you say you "attract" them) for your entire life until you get to the root of what is causing this, for you.

 

This isn't about helping her. She's already getting help. This is for you.

 

Do you divorce, stay, separate, or another option? That's up to you. But what you really need to do is seek help to uncover what's in your past that has caused you to allow and enable yourself to be treated this way. Getting up from the table in one fit of anger only fuels her fire. There's something much deeper here, and a very well-trained therapist can help you figure it out.

 

I know what caused it. I did quite the work about 7 years ago after I had enough of the pattern. This didn't develop badly until leading up to the wedding although there were some episodes... What causes it is a lack of self-worth because of the way my mom and dad treated me when I was growing up. I got straight A's all through school etc. Was excellent at sports. I was constantly criticized and never praised. I'm still going to talk to a therapist. We actually went to couples counseling before the wedding. I'm going to go talk to the same therapist and if she doesn't help I'll find a better one.

So here's the bottom line:

Your wife has a drinking problem and a mental illness. Her mother enables her behavior, meddles in your marriage when it's none of her damn business, and outright verbally abuses YOU... turning you into the bad guy here. If your wife truly values her marriage and really wants to better herself, she would stop consuming alcoholic beverages and seriously follow the suggestions/exercises that her therapists provides. She has to WANT the change; you can't wish or do it for her. Otherwise therapy AND the medication are wasteful. Anyone with serious mental illness should not be inducing narcotics or alcohol, period. I sincerely hope you guys don't have any children until she can get it together or before you consider leaving.

 

Personally, I wouldn't put up with any of this based on my experience with a family member. Can you honestly imagine being in this dynamic for 5 years or more? If you can't then you know the answer to your marriage. Sorry I don't have any better news for you. Good luck.

 

I agree with this. I already have had the not having children talk a long time ago. Hell, we barely even have sex anymore because I'm just not attracted to someone that talks to me like that. I think what I need to do is finally talk with her. I haven't had a conversation with her since the incident. She gets drunk and then sleeps all day after this at times. I guess it's just become a pattern that I'm used too... suffering that is familiar. I'm very much aware of my issues, but divorce is divorce and it is final. What I'm not good at is giving up on people. I don't think it's because I care, I guess I just hope, but I need to put myself first.

 

I'm going to talk to her about her diagnosis and then go talk to someone who deals more with this type of behavior. We were going to a therapist but she didn't really give us tools to help. I'll be blatantly honest with her and then just find another one if I need to.

 

I'm not exactly innocent in all of this or just blaming her either. I drink as well, although not as much and not as frequent. I could stop altogether without a problem. I try to control myself once I've had enough of her verbally abusing me. I usually fire something back at that point. I've learned to just leave the situation, but it happens too often.

 

I also forgot to mention we work together... Not directly, but yeah... it's an issue. I'll probably leave my job if I file for divorce as well.... Fun times :-)

Long time, Endy.

 

I'm sorry you're having these problems... All the best...

I'm not exactly innocent in all of this or just blaming her either. I drink as well, although not as much and not as frequent.

 

Yeah, you drink as well, but do you get out of control, angry, and downright mean? Do you have 4 drinks, when you really can only handle 2?

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with drinking, if it's within control. Hers is clearly out of control. As Snny said, she shouldn't be drinking at all, as she clearly can't handle it.

 

You are enabling this. You are even questioning your own drinking, which I bet is fine. Stop enabling her, one way or another.

 

I was engaged to, and living with, a guy who had massive angry outbursts. I moved 1500 miles to be near him, and we bought a house together. I left with my tail between my legs within a few months, once his anger turned towards me. Yep, I drove 1500 miles, all alone, several months after I moved to be with "the best relationship in the world". You shouldn't stand for this either.

It sounds like alcoholism.

Dumping more chemicals into her will most likely have the reverse desired effect.

 

Stop trying to diagnose her and get yourself into Al-Anon.

 

P.S. It's common for Mothers to believe everything their manipulative children say. (Another sign...)

Agree. She's an alcoholic. No amount of medication, therapy, etc will help that while continuing to drink, which of course, she considers "social drinking". Read up on alcoholism. Mood swings, interpersonal problems, marital problems, etc are all part of the picture. Whether a coexisting mood disorder is present can only be determined after she's dried out.

Long time, Endy.

 

I'm sorry you're having these problems... All the best...

 

It has been a long time! Thanks for the well wishes!

All,

 

 

I feel like my problem really is that I just don't know when to let go. On one shoulder a voice is telling me to run. On another shoulder a voice is telling me to try to support her through this battle. Is that not normal? Should I just run for the hills? I'm going to go to that therapist ASAP. As far as the alcoholism goes... she very well could be an alcoholic. Also, concerning my own drinking behaviors, I think anyone who has ever drank alcohol has drank too much and been an ass, including myself. Can I control it... absolutely...

 

What is more damaging to me is that her mother knew all of these things and that she basically feels that way about me. The more I think about it, the more obvious it is becoming that this marriage has no course besides divorce. I just hate giving up on people, but it appears it's the right thing to do. I'll go to therapy and see what she has to say before I come to a decision.

All you can do is suggest the options she has: alcohol treatment + marriage counseling OR separation/divorce.

You need to come with her to certain conditions. You both quit drinking and get professional help. Otherwise there is no other recourse for the marriage. But she has to equally agree with them as much as you do. That's the only way things can work out.

Her refusal to stop drinking and get appropriate professional help means SHE "gave up"...not you.

 

I believe individual therapy is imperative for you to stop this dangerous pattern of not only choosing to marry this woman, but your insistence that divorce means you "gave up" or are not being "supportive". I mean, shouldn't your wife also be "supportive"?

So we discussed it. I didn't give her an ultimatum of not drinking. I did say if it continues to be a problem it would most likely lead to us getting divorced. The Dr. did not diagnose her as bi-polar but with depression and anxiety. I'm pretty damn sure from reading the descriptions of the disorders she is. It's still early on that she is going to it.

 

Regardless, I'm going to therapy, so is she... We agree that if there continues to be issues divorce is the only option. Thanks for all of the help all!

Firstly, you married her KNOWING that this is what she was like. Its not like this happened overnight - therefore you have a commitment not to immediately walk out the door. Secondly, 4 drinks is a lot for most people over the course of a one hour dinner when they are going to drive. I suggest that you set an example by not drinking at all at dinner. You may think its unfair, but your wife may see her behavior in contrast vs you drinking, so she's drinking and then you have another and she has another.

 

Also, is she seeing an actual psychiatrist or psychotherapist or is she going to a GP and a family counselor? If the latter, she needs to go to someone different.

"Regardless, I'm going to therapy, so is she..."

- If alcoholism, standard therapy will fail. The alcoholic is way to cunning for that.

 

Read the AA book. You'll then know what you're really dealing with.

 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/aa-big-book-free-for-alcoholics-anonymous/id990308161?mt=8

"Regardless, I'm going to therapy, so is she..."

- If alcoholism, standard therapy will fail. The alcoholic is way to cunning for that.

 

Read the AA book. You'll then know what you're really dealing with.

 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/aa-big-book-free-for-alcoholics-anonymous/id990308161?mt=8

Oh, Christ. There's Step 12 at its finest right there. If AA worked for you, that's great. And, particularly for those who are religiously minded, it could serve to be a great tool. But, if not for it being grossly irresponsible, it would be laughable to argue against scientifically supported methods of treatment while proselytizing on behalf of a spirituality-based program whose only metrics of support include observational studies and longitudinal studies (read: not randomized and controlled trials) that, putting it generously, lack absolutely any identification of a cause and effect while mitigating-- pretty much to any extent-- bias and confounding variables, with actual scientifically backed studies of its efficacy purporting an absolute maximum success rate of ~8%.

 

Again, if AA worked for you and others, I'm happy for you and in fact for the existence of it, and I support its continued existence. But, last I checked, preaching religion (AA) was against the forum rules, and it should be especially so when done to discredit recovery methods that, at the very, very least, have not been shown to be any less effective.

I have not read anything in your post that would indicate to me bipolar disorder, and I have it. Bipolar disorder is NOT having random outbursts. Even rapid cycling between depression and mania is not like that (and rapid cycling is rare). It sounds to me like she has run of the mill anger issues that are exacerbated by drinking.

 

In any case, a label isn't going to do much to help here. If her behavior is not tolerable, it's not tolerable, and if she won't get treatment there's nothing you can do.

Are you still in love with your wife? If you aren't then you know what you should do. If you are then prepare to work so the marriage can be saved. While her behavior is inappropriate she needs to actually see this. Try taking a video if how ridiculous she can be. Have her watch herself and see how she feels. Go to a counselor together. Have someone that is completely neutral help you two find ways to compromise and me nd things. You just have to know if your marriage means enough to you.