Confused and Down

I've been seeing a guy for 6 months now. Over the winter when we lived 4 hours apart he would call me every day, when I saw him every few weeks he'd buy me flowers or even a spontaneous present, the sex was always adventurous and as frequent as possible, he called me his girlfriend, I met his family and he was always keen for me to meet his friends.

About a month ago I ended up moving much closer to him for work and while trying to find accommodation he said I could stay with him until I found somewhere, I was a little reluctant but, knowing that my work was arranging my accommodation, agreed. The first week was great and then after that we both started working plenty so only saw each other in the evenings. However there was complications with my accommodation and I ended up staying with him until a couple of days ago, it's been hard but I tried to make it easier by, if I was first in from work, cooking dinner so that he had a little less stress and also so I could eat before 10pm! In the last month though his affection towards me has deteriorated and we have barely had sex, in fact when we're together I feel like he barely even notices me. I got some basic accommodation offered to me at the start of the week but when I told him he asked me to stay another night and then, until the rain stopped so my accommodation would be dry. I agreed because I knew living in the staff place would be horrible when wet. However at the end of this week I stayed away for a night at the accommodation because I felt he needed some space, he then decided to text me while I was with clients to say we needed to talk about exclusivity because people had been asking him about and since his last serious relationship he hasn't been monogamous at all. To me, as far as I was aware we had been in a relationship for at least a few months as we've just purchased a car together for the summer and I have a key to his flat along with some wardrobe space. I also pay half his rent as we thought that it would be màke more sense, with me probably staying there a few nights a week and us wanting to have some space we could be alone in without flatmates or family. He insists he still wants to do all the things with me but he also wants to be able to see other people as he doesn't want to be in a full monogamous relationship until he knows he can trust me as his last relationship left him heartbroken.

I don't know whether to take him at his word and give him time to think and work on the trust or to think there is something underlying he is not telling me. Just thenter thought of him flirting with, dating and having sex with other women just makes me sick, especially in the flat. I feel like we've taken at massive leap backwards and, despite trying in several ways to initiate sex he's always too tired, too full or has other stuff he needs to be getting on with. It's making me feel really negative about myself and that it sounds like he'd rather date other women and have sex with other women but I'm just there for his convenience.

I've been seeing a guy for 6 months now. Over the winter when we lived 4 hours apart he would call me every day, when I saw him every few weeks he'd buy me flowers or even a spontaneous present, the sex was always adventurous and as frequent as possible, he called me his girlfriend, I met his family and he was always keen for me to meet his friends.

 

About a month ago I ended up moving much closer to him for work and while trying to find accommodation he said I could stay with him until I found somewhere, I was a little reluctant but, knowing that my work was arranging my accommodation, agreed. The first week was great and then after that we both started working plenty so only saw each other in the evenings. However there was complications with my accommodation and I ended up staying with him until a couple of days ago, it's been hard but I tried to make it easier by, if I was first in from work, cooking dinner so that he had a little less stress and also so I could eat before 10pm! In the last month though his affection towards me has deteriorated and we have barely had sex, in fact when we're together I feel like he barely even notices me. I got some basic accommodation offered to me at the start of the week but when I told him he asked me to stay another night and then, until the rain stopped so my accommodation would be dry. I agreed because I knew living in the staff place would be horrible when wet. However at the end of this week I stayed away for a night at the accommodation because I felt he needed some space, he then decided to text me while I was with clients to say we needed to talk about exclusivity because people had been asking him about and since his last serious relationship he hasn't been monogamous at all. To me, as far as I was aware we had been in a relationship for at least a few months as we've just purchased a car together for the summer and I have a key to his flat along with some wardrobe space. I also pay half his rent as we thought that it would be màke more sense, with me probably staying there a few nights a week and us wanting to have some space we could be alone in without flatmates or family. He insists he still wants to do all the things with me but he also wants to be able to see other people as he doesn't want to be in a full monogamous relationship until he knows he can trust me as his last relationship left him heartbroken.

 

I don't know whether to take him at his word and give him time to think and work on the trust or to think there is something underlying he is not telling me. Just thenter thought of him flirting with, dating and having sex with other women just makes me sick, especially in the flat. I feel like we've taken at massive leap backwards and, despite trying in several ways to initiate sex he's always too tired, too full or has other stuff he needs to be getting on with. It's making me feel really negative about myself and that it sounds like he'd rather date other women and have sex with other women but I'm just there for his convenience.

I think it is possible that having you move in may have brought up some unresolved baggage for him, but that does not excuse his behaviour and poor treatment of you. It is not acceptable for him to just alter the dynamics of the relationship because he has trust issues that he didn’t bother to resolve before dating again.

I think your best course of action is to tell him you are fine with him needing to resolve his issues with trusting a partner and to get in touch if he feels he has sufficiently healed to date again. Untie yourself from him financial (not very smart after 6months btw) and focus on your new job role and dating men who are emotionally available.

Also consider the very real prospect that he has got bored and is making up BS to keep you on the back burner whilst he has his fun.

You deserve better and you will realise it sooner than you think when you release yourself from this guy who doesn’t value you or may even have the potential to be abusive.

Wow sorry to hear this. Way too much too soon, especially playing house right away in an open relationship. Stay in your own place and Stop Paying Rent. This is exactly what's going on:

he'd rather date other women and have sex with other women but I'm just there for his convenience.

With that attitude, he's been dating other women all along, and his arms length relationship has worked out great for him. You were not around locally to see what he was doing. No, you do not abide by his rules of getting to have sex with whoever he wants to. His reasoning is BS, and even if it were true, it's not something any woman who had self worth would accept.

Either go back to where you used to live, or stay in the new town if you like it. Regardless, you need to get rid of Totally Mr. Wrong. You deserve someone who wants you all to himself and will be happy with you alone.

Buying a car with someone you've only dated 6 months was not a wise move, OP. I am sure you are realizing that now. Paying half his rent is also ridiculous. Whose ideas were the car and half the rent?

Anyway, you now know he's been seeing (and probably having sex with) other women the whole time you thought he was your boyfriend. And he's telling you he still doesn't want to be your boyfriend. My guess is that one of the other girls he sees got wind of the fact you were staying at his house and asked him who you are, so he knew he couldn't very well not tell you that he isn't monogamous anymore. But of course he wants to keep seeing you; you're bankrolling an awful lot and he's getting an easy ride, while living it up with you and other women. Granted, it doesn't sound like there was any talk previously about exclusivity but he should not be accepting any money from you for his rent and a "shared" car if he knew he was seeing other girls.

This is not someone I would continue to date. You know where he stands now and if you are looking for a commitment, this isn't the guy for you.

To me, as far as I was aware we had been in a relationship for at least a few months as we've just purchased a car together for the summer and I have a key to his flat along with some wardrobe space. I also pay half his rent as we thought that it would be màke more sense, with me probably staying there a few nights a week and us wanting to have some space we could be alone in without flatmates or family.

Whaaaaat?

Oh boy, you've gotten the sh*t end of the stick. If you are paying for half of the rent then this apartment should be your home. Otherwise, it doesn't make any sense and you are just flushing your money down the toilet.

He insists he still wants to do all the things with me but he also wants to be able to see other people as he doesn't want to be in a full monogamous relationship until he knows he can trust me as his last relationship left him heartbroken.

It also makes no sense for you to put your relationship priorities on hold so that he can see other people. Don't buy into that "Boo-hoo. I'm a victim. Mother me." routine.

Do you want a relationship with a grown man or a delicate flower?

I think you are right in this assessment, and should LISTEN to yourself:

it sounds like he'd rather date other women and have sex with other women but I'm just there for his convenience.

That is right on the money. Please do yourself a huge favor and move on. You are being played.

Well, you are definitely not ok with him dating other people, so why stay?

I know it seems hard and confusing now, but you need to really follow what you are ok with. Forget about moving too fast, the car, the keys etc. It all comes down to the fact that you two want different things. Don't settle for less. Easier said than done, I know, but the sooner the better!

I'm so sorry it went this way.

When you had the distance, he had the freedom to date and sleep with other women. Now that you're closer, and living with him, that freedom is gone. He thought it was a good idea at the time, but you ended up living there longer than expected and now he has to come clean. I agree, the other woman might have figured out you're living there, or him avoiding bringing women to his place is becoming problematic for this other woman/women as they are wondering if he's hiding something, which he is.

It's time to move out and move on. You can tell him that after he's worked out his relationship issues, give you a call, but at this point, do you really want him? Do you think you will in the future?

He likes keeping you around because you're bankrolling half his rent and car payment. Obviously that needs to stop. I wonder if his desire to still see you will drop after you quit covering his rent. Sell your half the car or buy his, but no more sharing. If you decide to keep seeing him, you need not pay any portion of his rent because you sleep over once in awhile.

It's time to move on, and I know it hurts, but what can you do? You're not okay with sharing him and you want different things.

Thanks for everyone's messages. I'm starting to think you're all right. I seem to end up paying for a lot whether it's been he's forgotten his wallet or hasn't got money now too. This all started very recently. The thing that threw me is it was his idea for him to go in on my car, so that we could both drive it during the summer rather than just me driving us around all over the place. I basically work doing summer seasons out in Greece and so just wanted to purchase a beaten up old thing that would last the 6 months but he suggested him paying for half so that we could go exploring together on days off, he also got all gutted when he found out that we wouldn't get days off together every week...the problem I'm finding is that half his signals say one thing and half his signals say another!

My feeling is that I will move my stuff out this week as he is away managing another resort on the mainland, once he's back if he wants to continue with anything it'll be on my terms and not his. I'm sick of feeling used.

I'm the registered keeper for the car so the car is in my name

the problem I'm finding is that half his signals say one thing and half his signals say another!

That is a big problem - there should not be such mixed messages. A healthy relationship doesn't look like this.

Guys like this enjoy having that trusty fall-back girl (you, in this case) for convenient affection, company and sex when they want it. But they're also very careful to not fully commit, so they can also enjoy affection, company and sex from other girls when the mood strikes and the opportunity presents itself.

Get rid of him. You're going to get your heart broken into pieces if you stick around.

Excellent. Now get rid of this gigolo.

I'm the registered keeper for the car so the car is in my name

I agree with both of the above statements.

Buy him out of the car if it makes you feel better, but most importantly get rid of him.