Girlfriend left because I couldn't find stable work.

My girlfriend of 2.5 years left because I couldn't find stable work and I didn't meet her 12/31/17 proposal deadline(unknown to me). We knew each other for a while before we started dating, both of us are 39 and neither have ever been married or engaged. I saw these as a red flag but I liked her so much I proceeded to go out with her. Of course, the first 6 months are perfect then I noticed a few flare-ups from her attacking my salary which is half of hers. In the beginning, I explained to her that I wasn't a "high roller" because I had heard about the guys she dated in the past. She said all she wanted was a nice guy who would love her for her, I said cool I can do that. She's a career woman and makes double what I do however I never mooched off her in any way. I tried to pay my way most of the time, I usually picked up the big tabs and sometimes let her pick up the smaller ones. I noticed her checking out of the relationship mentally the last few months but when I tried talking to her she would just put a happy face on and pretend its all good. I planned to propose this year before June(3rd anniversay) and I had repeatedly told her this and she never stated that she had a deadline to me. My whole family loved her but they expressed concern a few times stating that she talked about money and materials a bit too much. Of course, I was in love so I downplayed it and kept at it. Now I do have to admit that I have had some trouble lately finding stable work but I still have the funds to take her out and treat her. She dumped me over text stating that our goals and plan don't align and that I need to get my act together(she's right about this one). It's been a month and I'm still a mess, many sleepless and anxious nights, of course, I keep blaming myself but my family says the red flags were there since she has a selfish side to her. She also was talking to someone behind my back which is the rebound guy she is seeing now, this guy is in no way shape or form her type. She still texts me every day sending me job postings and checking to see how I'm doing, I assume she feels guilty? So my question is did I screw up or did I get lucky that she left? I keep carrying on the blame for some reason.

Apologies for not putting this thread under "break ups". Can a MOD move it for me?

She also was talking to someone behind my back which is the rebound guy she is seeing now, this guy is in no way shape or form her type. She still texts me every day sending me job postings and checking to see how I'm doing, I assume she feels guilty? So my question is did I screw up or did I get lucky that she left? I keep carrying on the blame for some reason.

She made it clear that you not having a stable job is a deal breaker. No she doesn't feel guilty about the whole thing. She just knows what she wants and that's a man(woman if you are a woman) that has a stable job. She send you those things because she still loves you and cares for you. Sounds like a stable person to me.

As far as the rebound guy goes, that is her business but just to give you a little clue, if she is talking a lot about you to this guy negative or positive, that's emotion for you not for him. Which means she still have those feelings for you but she can not deal with the situation where you do not have a stable job. Her sending messages to you will eventually stop if you don't get a stable job. She is actually trying to help you to get her back and you are here being selfish and thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about.

Doesn't matter if the guy is not her type or what not, i bet he has a stable job though, one of the criteria that checks off on her list. Apparently you have some of those criteria's but not meeting that specific one. Get a grip, stop trolling on the forums, stop thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about and go get a damn job if you love this woman. While you are sitting there moaning about this and that, some other dude is doing all kinds of things to her body that you should be doing and giving those actual good moans to him. So what are you going to do about it?

She made it clear that you not having a stable job is a deal breaker. No she doesn't feel guilty about the whole thing. She just knows what she wants and that's a man(woman if you are a woman) that has a stable job. She send you those things because she still loves you and cares for you. Sounds like a stable person to me.

 

As far as the rebound guy goes, that is her business but just to give you a little clue, if she is talking a lot about you to this guy negative or positive, that's emotion for you not for him. Which means she still have those feelings for you but she can not deal with the situation where you do not have a stable job. Her sending messages to you will eventually stop if you don't get a stable job. She is actually trying to help you to get her back and you are here being selfish and thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about.

 

Doesn't matter if the guy is not her type or what not, i bet he has a stable job though, one of the criteria that checks off on her list. Apparently you have some of those criteria's but not meeting that specific one. Get a grip, stop trolling on the forums, stop thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about and go get a damn job if you love this woman. While you are sitting there moaning about this and that, some other dude is doing all kinds of things to her body that you should be doing and giving those actual good moans to him. So what are you going to do about it?

Thanks for the real response, I'm waiting for an offer to come through next week should be nice. I appreciated the real talk, this is the reason I asked.

I'm also networking with a friend who works at Apple.

Well, dating gets more complicated the older you get. And I would say that she was set in her ways and you just never measured up to her standards. She also wasn't in love with you much, and material things matter more to her than non-tangible things such as emotions. I think she just considers you as a friend, which is why she sends you job postings, and she does want you to better yourself. It's not from guilt. A marriage between you would have been more like a business transaction. I think you're lucky she left and you should convince herself that she just wasn't right for you. You should put your energies into cleaning up your act and getting work.

Now I do have to admit that I have had some trouble lately finding stable work but I still have the funds to take her out and treat her

If you couldn't hold down a job because of your behavior - that's one thing. If your industry is on the downturn and work is scarce, that's another. I would leave the first guy. If the second guy was looking for work, but was considering taking classes or a certification to increase his job prospects and working a part time job on the side if he was unemployed for more than a week or two while he looked, then i would definitely stay.

If it were me it would also depend on why you couldn't find work. You wrote "She's a career woman and makes double what I do" - so it sounds like she is a "career woman" - are you a "career man" when you have a job or just a "man" - my sense is that you see her in a different category because she is a woman who happens to have a successful career that also pays well. Maybe she'd be better suited to someone who just saw her as a person who, among other things, made career a priority. The label tells me you have some discomfort with her goals and her interests. It's totally fine if she makes more than you do -all that matters is that whoever makes more it's either a non-issue or you're fine with it.

If it were me it would also depend on why you couldn't find work. You wrote "She's a career woman and makes double what I do" - so it sounds like she is a "career woman" - are you a "career man" when you have a job or just a "man" - my sense is that you see her in a different category because she is a woman who happens to have a successful career that also pays well. Maybe she'd be better suited to someone who just saw her as a person who, among other things, made career a priority. The label tells me you have some discomfort with her goals and her interests. It's totally fine if she makes more than you do -all that matters is that whoever makes more it's either a non-issue or you're fine with it.

I was trying a new field and thinks didn't work out, I am returning to my former occuaption. I go to night school to finish up my degree which is something she recommended.

No I never had an issue with her career or that she made more money than me. I'm not like that I still treated her and paid most of the time.

Now I do have to admit that I have had some trouble lately finding stable work but I still have the funds to take her out and treat her

 

If you couldn't hold down a job because of your behavior - that's one thing. If your industry is on the downturn and work is scarce, that's another. I would leave the first guy. If the second guy was looking for work, but was considering taking classes or a certification to increase his job prospects and working a part time job on the side if he was unemployed for more than a week or two while he looked, then i would definitely stay.

I was trying a new field and it didn't work out, I am trying to return to my former occupation.

Well, dating gets more complicated the older you get. And I would say that she was set in her ways and you just never measured up to her standards. She also wasn't in love with you much, and material things matter more to her than non-tangible things such as emotions. I think she just considers you as a friend, which is why she sends you job postings, and she does want you to better yourself. It's not from guilt. A marriage between you would have been more like a business transaction. I think you're lucky she left and you should convince herself that she just wasn't right for you. You should put your energies into cleaning up your act and getting work.

This is exactly what my parents say, however, I felt love during the first year or two. We both got along great until she started making comments that I had to pay for the wedding and so on. She made me a better man, however, I just think her patience ran out and she left. She is very high maintenance and I'm very easy going but somehow we got along great. The guy before me was a very smart guy who sold his company for $2 million, I always wonder why she didn't settle down with him.

She saw you and thought "she could work with this". She hoped that money and career wise would pick up for you....with her being in her situation, it would influence you to do so. Buuuuut that didn't happen, so she lost hope and bailed. She's just one of those who wants either equality or a man that makes more...you know, be a power couple.

She gave it a 2.5 year shot, and instead of success, it's all gone backwards. She didn't tell you the deadline because she wanted to see if you had the ambition/drive to do it in a timely manner ON YOUR OWN.

IMO she's not good or bad, you two are not compatible in your ideals. Don't do it for her, do it for you and what makes you happy. Stay calm, and carry on.

Note: I know she loved you, what woman would wait 2.5 years if she wasn't in love? But everyone knows a relationship/marriage can't survive on love alone.

She saw you and thought "she could work with this". She hoped that money and career wise would pick up for you....with her being in her situation, it would influence you to do so. Buuuuut that didn't happen, so she lost hope and bailed. She's just one of those who wants either equality or a man that makes more...you know, be a power couple.

 

She gave it a 2.5 year shot, and instead of success, it's all gone backwards. She didn't tell you the deadline because she wanted to see if you had the ambition/drive to do it in a timely manner ON YOUR OWN.

 

IMO she's not good or bad, you two are not compatible in your ideals. Don't do it for her, do it for you and what makes you happy. Stay calm, and carry on.

Very well put. I hate to admit it but I think you nailed it.

I assume a chance at reconciliation is probably less than 10%?

Not everyone will agree with that. Every person, and situation is different. It's a crapshoot.

i think a woman that is very successful has a very logical mind to set goals and Achieve them. her making more money than you may or may not have been an issue for her.

If she did feel like maybe there were other incompatibilities maybe it wasn't worth it..... because she feels like maybe she can find a guy that makes more money.

To her it's like a double sacrifice on her part. She feels like she has to down play the expensive things of her life, as to not make you feel bad, but other needs aren't being met. maybe she wants more things..... maybe travel or start a family. A certain lifestyle she wants.

I have no way of knowing how committed you were to her.... but the fact that you brought up that you were going to propose soon. Maybe she was feeling like she didn't want you to propose.

I don't mean that harshly.... I mean maybe u just dodged a bullet from an incompatible person but a person that cares about you enough to see that you could have steady job and is trying to help.

However I don't think it's fair that she reaches out to you with these job postings. And maybe you should ask her to stop and tell her if she doesn't stop contacting you, you're going to block her just for your own well-being...

face facts.... she is with someone else now and she should be sending job postings to him.

she left, she has to leave you alone. what asked doing is bs!

Block her so she can't send you crumbs and insults. Who is she to send you job postings? pfffft.

Forget about her and work on you for now. Get the job you want (without her input) and let her find someone who she feels she is more compatible with. She's 39 so It appears she's having a hard time finding someone on the high level she so ungraciously places herself.

Once you're on track with your own career path and you're feeling better about yourself and have come to the realization that you two were not a good match, then look for someone who is more down to earth like you appear to be.

Not everyone will agree with that. Every person, and situation is different. It's a crapshoot.

I appreciated you keeping it 100.

To be honest I always thought I had a chance since I was different from what she was used to and that it hadn't worked out for in the past. I still feel I should of proposed sooner but not sure that would of made everything alrighty. I'm just going to work on myself and give her time and space. If it's met to be then I guess our paths will cross again in the future.

i think a woman that is very successful has a very logical mind to set goals and Achieve them. her making more money than you may or may not have been an issue for her.

 

If she did feel like maybe there were other incompatibilities maybe it wasn't worth it..... because she feels like maybe she can find a guy that makes more money.

 

To her it's like a double sacrifice on her part. She feels like she has to down play the expensive things of her life, as to not make you feel bad, but other needs aren't being met. maybe she wants more things..... maybe travel or start a family. A certain lifestyle she wants.

 

I have no way of knowing how committed you were to her.... but the fact that you brought up that you were going to propose soon. Maybe she was feeling like she didn't want you to propose.

 

I don't mean that harshly.... I mean maybe u just dodged a bullet from an incompatible person but a person that cares about you enough to see that you could have steady job and is trying to help.

 

However I don't think it's fair that she reaches out to you with these job postings. And maybe you should ask her to stop and tell her if she doesn't stop contacting you, you're going to block her just for your own well-being...

 

face facts.... she is with someone else now and she should be sending job postings to him.

 

she left, she has to leave you alone. what asked doing is bs!

Good points as well. I should have an offer by next week in which i will be extremely busy. I'll tell her that I got the job and that I need to focus on it and cut off communciation.

However I never got in her way of her lifestyle, she doesn't spend alot mostly saves but every now and then she will splurge on a trip or expensive handbag. When she did I was right there with her offering 100% full support and in some occasions evening helping her pick the right one. I would never impede on her lifestyle that she have before me, I consider that selfish and insecure.

Block her so she can't send you crumbs and insults. Who is she to send you job postings? pfffft.

 

Forget about her and work on you for now. Get the job you want (without her input) and let her find someone who she feels she is more compatible with. She's 39 so It appears she's having a hard time finding someone on the high level she so ungraciously places herself.

 

Once you're on track with your own career path and you're feeling better about yourself and have come to the realization that you two were not a good match, then look for someone who is more down to earth like you appear to be.

Agreed, she dated a lot of successful men before but none of them ever popped the question. I always kept her laughing and comfortable our compatibility was very good. I just feel she treats her relationship like a career where everything has a date and deadline or goes out and gets a new job. Her sister is well off and I sometimes believe she was trying to keep up with her matieralistic. Yes she is extremely picky about everything but somehow we made it this far almost 3 years, her longest relationship. I feel she will not find someone else to understand as i did and she will come back but I cannot bank on the theory. I must move forward.

Agreed, she dated a lot of successful men before but none of them ever popped the question. I always kept her laughing and comfortable our compatibility was very good. I just feel she treats her relationship like a career where everything has a date and deadline. Her sister is well off and I sometimes believe she was trying to keep up with her matieralistic.

Ya... just block her so that you can more quickly get to the stage of indifference to her. I find her texting you with job placements to be condescending and petty even if that isn't her intention. She has no right to be contacting you now that she's broken up with you. Don't let her stagnate you to her emotionally any longer.

Ya... just block her so that you can more quickly get to the stage of indifference to her. I find her texting you with job placements to be condescending and petty even if that isn't her intention. She has no right to be contacting you now that she's broken up with you. Don't let her stagnate you to her emotionally any longer.

Well techinically she has been doing it for a while even before we broke up. I expect to have an offer next week in which i will tell her to stop.

Well techinically she has been doing it for a while even before we broke up. I expect to have an offer next week in which i will tell her to stop.

Are you appreciating her help then? If so, then that's great. If you're not, then tell her to stop now and get on with her life without you in it. After all, she iS the one who ended the relationship so she can go away already. :)

Are you appreciating her help then? If so, then that's great. If you're not, then tell her to stop now and get on with her life without you in it. After all, she iS the one who ended the relationship so go away already. :)

No i do use some of her help but I can't wait to cut her off so I can move forward. Finding a new job is very stressful and I do appreciate her help but it does keep the wound from healing.

No i do use some of her help but I can't wait to cut her off so I can move forward. Finding a new job is very stressful and I do appreciate her help but it does keep the wound from healing.

For sure it does.

I suspect that she's not doing anything to find these jobs that you couldn't be doing yourself????

Good luck with that job prospect.

She saw you and thought "she could work with this". She hoped that money and career wise would pick up for you....with her being in her situation, it would influence you to do so. Buuuuut that didn't happen, so she lost hope and bailed. She's just one of those who wants either equality or a man that makes more...you know, be a power couple.

 

She gave it a 2.5 year shot, and instead of success, it's all gone backwards. She didn't tell you the deadline because she wanted to see if you had the ambition/drive to do it in a timely manner ON YOUR OWN.

 

IMO she's not good or bad, you two are not compatible in your ideals. Don't do it for her, do it for you and what makes you happy. Stay calm, and carry on.

 

Note: I know she loved you, what woman would wait 2.5 years if she wasn't in love? But everyone knows a relationship/marriage can't survive on love alone.

Good points as well. I should have an offer by next week in which i will be extremely busy. I'll tell her that I got the job and that I need to focus on it and cut off communciation.

 

However I never got in her way of her lifestyle, she doesn't spend alot mostly saves but every now and then she will splurge on a trip or expensive handbag. When she did I was right there with her offering 100% full support and in some occasions evening helping her pick the right one. I would never impede on her lifestyle that she have before me, I consider that selfish and insecure.

unfortunately, i don't think you letting her spoil herself mattered. she checked out.

I'd avoid her like the plague.

She wasn't actually clear and upfront to you. You told her from the beginning, that you are not a "high roller" and she said that all she wanted was a nice guy. During the relationship she showed her true self which you were too in love to notice, it happens. Then she dumps you because you couldn't find a stable job even though you are attending night school in order to increase your income etc. and on top of that she says she had a deadline (which doesn't matter since she kept it to herself) about a proposal.

I agree that if your inability to find a stable job was due to your character, I would dump you too. From your writing, it doesn't seem like that was the case. She's sending you job offers and I think that if you land a high paying job she will be begging to come back; are you sure you want her to? You said she cares too much about material things and she's proven it; so her initial statement, which I am assuming happened 2.5 years ago, is false. She doesn't just want a nice guy, she wants a nice and rich guy, leaning mostly to the rich part.

I'd send her a thank you note for all of her job postings, but ask her to stop as you need to go NC.