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Thread: Girlfriend left because I couldn't find stable work.

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    Member ZHPpilot1's Avatar
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    Girlfriend left because I couldn't find stable work.

    My girlfriend of 2.5 years left because I couldn't find stable work and I didn't meet her 12/31/17 proposal deadline(unknown to me). We knew each other for a while before we started dating, both of us are 39 and neither have ever been married or engaged. I saw these as a red flag but I liked her so much I proceeded to go out with her. Of course, the first 6 months are perfect then I noticed a few flare-ups from her attacking my salary which is half of hers. In the beginning, I explained to her that I wasn't a "high roller" because I had heard about the guys she dated in the past. She said all she wanted was a nice guy who would love her for her, I said cool I can do that. She's a career woman and makes double what I do however I never mooched off her in any way. I tried to pay my way most of the time, I usually picked up the big tabs and sometimes let her pick up the smaller ones. I noticed her checking out of the relationship mentally the last few months but when I tried talking to her she would just put a happy face on and pretend its all good. I planned to propose this year before June(3rd anniversay) and I had repeatedly told her this and she never stated that she had a deadline to me. My whole family loved her but they expressed concern a few times stating that she talked about money and materials a bit too much. Of course, I was in love so I downplayed it and kept at it. Now I do have to admit that I have had some trouble lately finding stable work but I still have the funds to take her out and treat her. She dumped me over text stating that our goals and plan don't align and that I need to get my act together(she's right about this one). It's been a month and I'm still a mess, many sleepless and anxious nights, of course, I keep blaming myself but my family says the red flags were there since she has a selfish side to her. She also was talking to someone behind my back which is the rebound guy she is seeing now, this guy is in no way shape or form her type. She still texts me every day sending me job postings and checking to see how I'm doing, I assume she feels guilty? So my question is did I screw up or did I get lucky that she left? I keep carrying on the blame for some reason.




    Apologies for not putting this thread under "break ups". Can a MOD move it for me?

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    She also was talking to someone behind my back which is the rebound guy she is seeing now, this guy is in no way shape or form her type. She still texts me every day sending me job postings and checking to see how I'm doing, I assume she feels guilty? So my question is did I screw up or did I get lucky that she left? I keep carrying on the blame for some reason.
    She made it clear that you not having a stable job is a deal breaker. No she doesn't feel guilty about the whole thing. She just knows what she wants and that's a man(woman if you are a woman) that has a stable job. She send you those things because she still loves you and cares for you. Sounds like a stable person to me.

    As far as the rebound guy goes, that is her business but just to give you a little clue, if she is talking a lot about you to this guy negative or positive, that's emotion for you not for him. Which means she still have those feelings for you but she can not deal with the situation where you do not have a stable job. Her sending messages to you will eventually stop if you don't get a stable job. She is actually trying to help you to get her back and you are here being selfish and thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about.

    Doesn't matter if the guy is not her type or what not, i bet he has a stable job though, one of the criteria that checks off on her list. Apparently you have some of those criteria's but not meeting that specific one. Get a grip, stop trolling on the forums, stop thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about and go get a damn job if you love this woman. While you are sitting there moaning about this and that, some other dude is doing all kinds of things to her body that you should be doing and giving those actual good moans to him. So what are you going to do about it?

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    Originally Posted by 1tym
    She made it clear that you not having a stable job is a deal breaker. No she doesn't feel guilty about the whole thing. She just knows what she wants and that's a man(woman if you are a woman) that has a stable job. She send you those things because she still loves you and cares for you. Sounds like a stable person to me.

    As far as the rebound guy goes, that is her business but just to give you a little clue, if she is talking a lot about you to this guy negative or positive, that's emotion for you not for him. Which means she still have those feelings for you but she can not deal with the situation where you do not have a stable job. Her sending messages to you will eventually stop if you don't get a stable job. She is actually trying to help you to get her back and you are here being selfish and thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about.

    Doesn't matter if the guy is not her type or what not, i bet he has a stable job though, one of the criteria that checks off on her list. Apparently you have some of those criteria's but not meeting that specific one. Get a grip, stop trolling on the forums, stop thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about and go get a damn job if you love this woman. While you are sitting there moaning about this and that, some other dude is doing all kinds of things to her body that you should be doing and giving those actual good moans to him. So what are you going to do about it?
    Thanks for the real response, I'm waiting for an offer to come through next week should be nice. I appreciated the real talk, this is the reason I asked.
    I'm also networking with a friend who works at Apple.

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    Well, dating gets more complicated the older you get. And I would say that she was set in her ways and you just never measured up to her standards. She also wasn't in love with you much, and material things matter more to her than non-tangible things such as emotions. I think she just considers you as a friend, which is why she sends you job postings, and she does want you to better yourself. It's not from guilt. A marriage between you would have been more like a business transaction. I think you're lucky she left and you should convince herself that she just wasn't right for you. You should put your energies into cleaning up your act and getting work.

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    Now I do have to admit that I have had some trouble lately finding stable work but I still have the funds to take her out and treat her

    If you couldn't hold down a job because of your behavior - that's one thing. If your industry is on the downturn and work is scarce, that's another. I would leave the first guy. If the second guy was looking for work, but was considering taking classes or a certification to increase his job prospects and working a part time job on the side if he was unemployed for more than a week or two while he looked, then i would definitely stay.

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    If it were me it would also depend on why you couldn't find work. You wrote "She's a career woman and makes double what I do" - so it sounds like she is a "career woman" - are you a "career man" when you have a job or just a "man" - my sense is that you see her in a different category because she is a woman who happens to have a successful career that also pays well. Maybe she'd be better suited to someone who just saw her as a person who, among other things, made career a priority. The label tells me you have some discomfort with her goals and her interests. It's totally fine if she makes more than you do -all that matters is that whoever makes more it's either a non-issue or you're fine with it.

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    If it were me it would also depend on why you couldn't find work. You wrote "She's a career woman and makes double what I do" - so it sounds like she is a "career woman" - are you a "career man" when you have a job or just a "man" - my sense is that you see her in a different category because she is a woman who happens to have a successful career that also pays well. Maybe she'd be better suited to someone who just saw her as a person who, among other things, made career a priority. The label tells me you have some discomfort with her goals and her interests. It's totally fine if she makes more than you do -all that matters is that whoever makes more it's either a non-issue or you're fine with it.
    I was trying a new field and thinks didn't work out, I am returning to my former occuaption. I go to night school to finish up my degree which is something she recommended.

    No I never had an issue with her career or that she made more money than me. I'm not like that I still treated her and paid most of the time.

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Now I do have to admit that I have had some trouble lately finding stable work but I still have the funds to take her out and treat her

    If you couldn't hold down a job because of your behavior - that's one thing. If your industry is on the downturn and work is scarce, that's another. I would leave the first guy. If the second guy was looking for work, but was considering taking classes or a certification to increase his job prospects and working a part time job on the side if he was unemployed for more than a week or two while he looked, then i would definitely stay.
    I was trying a new field and it didn't work out, I am trying to return to my former occupation.

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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Well, dating gets more complicated the older you get. And I would say that she was set in her ways and you just never measured up to her standards. She also wasn't in love with you much, and material things matter more to her than non-tangible things such as emotions. I think she just considers you as a friend, which is why she sends you job postings, and she does want you to better yourself. It's not from guilt. A marriage between you would have been more like a business transaction. I think you're lucky she left and you should convince herself that she just wasn't right for you. You should put your energies into cleaning up your act and getting work.
    This is exactly what my parents say, however, I felt love during the first year or two. We both got along great until she started making comments that I had to pay for the wedding and so on. She made me a better man, however, I just think her patience ran out and she left. She is very high maintenance and I'm very easy going but somehow we got along great. The guy before me was a very smart guy who sold his company for $2 million, I always wonder why she didn't settle down with him.

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    She saw you and thought "she could work with this". She hoped that money and career wise would pick up for you....with her being in her situation, it would influence you to do so. Buuuuut that didn't happen, so she lost hope and bailed. She's just one of those who wants either equality or a man that makes more...you know, be a power couple.

    She gave it a 2.5 year shot, and instead of success, it's all gone backwards. She didn't tell you the deadline because she wanted to see if you had the ambition/drive to do it in a timely manner ON YOUR OWN.

    IMO she's not good or bad, you two are not compatible in your ideals. Don't do it for her, do it for you and what makes you happy. Stay calm, and carry on.

    Note: I know she loved you, what woman would wait 2.5 years if she wasn't in love? But everyone knows a relationship/marriage can't survive on love alone.

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