What's next

I have been with my husband for 12 years, but married for 2.

It’s come to the point where all of the things I liked about him have become more complicated, turning into the things I hate about him. For example:

He is so nice and caring. He is so nice and caring that he can’t disappoint anybody under any circumstance ever. His undying need to please everyone gets in the way of our life daily. He has no backbone and can’t defend any distinct beliefs or values because he has none. He has 0 opinion about anything because puts everyone else’s opinion on a pedestal. This is why EVERYONE likes him. Being liked by everyone is very important to him.

We are so compatible; all of his values reflect mine. But they don’t actually, deep down. He does this to everyone. He sides with them. If he gets trapped in a conversation with 2 people with different opinions, he will either not state his opinion at all or find a way to side with both opinions.

And those are just 2 examples.

He won’t tell me when he is sick.

He won’t tell me when he doesn’t want to participate in an activity.

He constantly lives in a state of “what’s the worst thing that could go on right now”

He is constantly assuming that my expectations are 700X higher than they are, even though I take extra special care to express that they are not.

If I am sick or sad, he will avoid me at all costs.

His whole being and self-identity is repressed. And I can tell because when it’s happening, which is a few times per day, he become passive aggressive. He can never identify it in himself though.

While he is in the passive aggressive state, he usually either:

• He talks about himself in a very demeaning way, sometimes punches himself.

• Botches whatever he is doing, even if it’s something he has done 100 X properly, does not ask for help

• Ignores me for hours on end, gives me half sentences if I try to talk to him.

• Slams doors and handles items aggressively

He lies to people for no reason that makes sense:

• He told our neighbors that we were going on vacation this weekend 600 km away. We are not.

• He told his family that I was visiting a friend whose mom had cancer, when I was actually just gone for a walk alone.

• He lies to me about smoking even though we both speak about it on a regular basis.

We were attending couples therapy. It would work while we were in the room but he could never continue with the good behavior for more than a week. We had to stop because our insurance ran out.

He is very passive aggressive about therapy, often exclaiming something along the lines of: JUST DRUG ME UP BECAUSE IM SO ED UP or I WAS RAISED TO BE LIKE THIS or I WANT TO CHANGE BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW (even though he does know how, we learnt in therapy). We also learned that while he was seeing an individual therapist before the couple’s therapist, he would lie to her to please her during the sessions, to keep her happy.

Things I wish he was:

• Truthful, honest

• Decently confident

• Opinionated and participate in important conversations, bringing different ideas to the table

• Supportive emotionally

These things are all pretty simple normal grown up behaviors that you would expect of any adult honestly… I don’t think I am asking for much.

I definitely changed a lot for him. I am really careful not to criticize him, or speak to him in any kind of harsh tone. I don’t surprise him with bad news. I ease him into difficult discussions and give him the time he needs to respond. I am constantly changing my sentence patterns because of the way he interprets my sentences, turning them into harsh expectations. I always keep my opinion a secret until he states his first. I read his body language a lot to try to figure out if he actually has a disinterest in something. I constantly cancel or postpone my plans so he can go out and see friends. If I want something, I say it directly so he doesn’t have to guess ever.

I guess I just feel like the change at this point needs to come from him but he has no interest in it. He just won’t do it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I bring up divorce a lot, and how we aren’t good partners. This doesn’t do much. The last time he just looked up apartments and the laws of separation. I bring up the separate issues individually regularly as well and I just get the passive aggressive response.

I am not sure what to do anymore.

Well, you're experiencing a bad case of emotional abuse. If you Google the terms emotional abuse and emotional dependency you will see a lot of the symptoms that you describe. (About the only thing he's not doing is cheating on you, at least that you know of.) Many people who are abused talk about walking on eggshells around their partner for fear of setting him off. This kind of abuse can be exhausting because, as you describe, you have to change the way you speak to him and act around him. The explosive bouts of anger and even hitting himself is a way to try to control and manipulate you. And he's been calling your bluff. When you talk about moving out, he looks at ads for apartments. Classic.

There are other things you describe which are also bothersome. The lying for no reason. Being a public person that everyone likes. Going out of his way to do things for others at your expense. It sounds sociopathic. I don't mean he's a serial killer, just that sociopaths have no real feelings for anybody else. They camouflage it by being too helpful at times, as you describe.

Look, your husband needs deep, psychological help and there's no guarantee even years of therapy would help especially if he doesn't want to change. The easiest thing would be to leave him. Your mental health is probably suffering since you have to act submissive to him at all times. He is changing you and destroying your sense of self and self-esteem. But you probably need more convincing, so Google those terms, read about how to deal with people like him, and figure out what your next steps will be.

You tolerated all these things by masking it because you loved him.

You can not stand these things and no long masking it because you fell out of love with him. (doesn't mean you don't love him)

When this happens to a woman, most cases they leave.

I think you are at the end of your rope. Cut it.

Why he has these issues? That would be for him to discuss in therapy. He could have ADHD, bi polar disorder, Asperger syndrome, anxiety, etc. This is out of your hands, and his responsibility. You can't change him.

IMO you shouldn't change how you act to appease someone elses behavior you know what I mean? You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. Get a divorce plain and simple.

I think that it is time to move on. Time to contact an attorney, you have done everything possible to save this marriage. it sounds crazy making, especially the lying.