Going on a vacation with my Ex. Is there ANY chance of reconciliation?

To anyone telling me to move on, I know. I am. It's horrible, but I'm just curious.

Me and my long-distance ex of 6 months broke up in January after too many fights and me stupidly calling/facetiming far less than I originally did.

Things in the relationship weren't all bad. We were very compatible, we loved each other's company, she even used to say we were soulmates.

We're meeting up for a vacation in a month and I really want her back. We talk regularly (she's just send me a link to an instagram post as I'm typing lol), we flirt, she's even said "I miss you" and how she thinks things will get romantic on this vacation.

But after she mentioned wanting to travel with me, even if we aren't together. I had to let her know that, I'm okay being just "friends" leading up to this trip but if there's not going to be reconciliation then I'm gone from her life. (I kinda want to travel with her, things are amazing when we're together, but I need more time to get over her).

She seemed kind of confused but said she understood, and loved the fact that I want this trip to put a smile on her face and be kind of a farewell. (don't bother telling me to cancel this trip, I genuinely want to go).

Now I'm sad because she seems very content with me being absent from her life in 5 weeks time, and if you reverse the roles, I'm not. Me and this girl are great together, I've just ed up and I've told her that I want to get back together at some point, she said she doesn't know what she wants, and wants to be friends for now.

Is there ANY chance of us getting back together, if so, what do I need to do to maximise my chances. even the tiniest bit more than my current chance.

Thank you and enjoy your weekend.

TLDR; Ex and I have a vacation next month, she seems okay with it being a final send-off before I become absent from her life for good. I'm not really okay with it. The same girl tells me she misses me and gives other mixed signals, says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. Any chance in her wanting to?

This can either go really good, or REALLY bad. I am thinking it will be the latter for you, as she has moved on. She wants to be friends.

This can either go really good, or REALLY bad. I am thinking it will be the latter for you, as she has moved on.

I've come to terms that she's gone, that still doesn't stop me from wanting her back though. I'll be okay.

Do you really think she's moved on? She's texted me every day this week. Thanks for the response though

From what you wrote. Yes. Plus, you live on different continents. You rarely see one another. It doesn't look good. Sorry.

I hope that I am wrong.

OP, If I understand correctly, you told her in advance: "Either we reconcile while on vaca, or I go no contact afterwards." i appreciate the value of you knowing what you need. Kudos to you for that.

However.

Saying this message up front does two things that disadvantage your case.

(1) You have deprived yourself the privilege of deciding AFTER vacation how you feel after vacation. Why give away the option to decide she isn't as good a match as you had thought? That is a very different feeling than taking time in NC to get over her. Maybe vacation will give you a fresh take on the whole reationship and you will see and/or feel something unexpected. Friends, a lack of sexual attraction, a desire for someone more ___ and less ___, whatever.

Or maybe it will be as you expect, that you still want to reconcile. Vacation confirms you remain interested in her -- wait till vacation to determine that, and deal with it then.

(2) There is a new weight, a new pressure on "vacation". The sort that takes away the pleasure of vacation! That sense of getting away, playing however one chooses to while away, without the burden of real life to sort. Now, it is replaced with expectation, testing, and disappointment, almost like a performance. It is weighted with fear and sadness, like an extended funeral.

(3) You are somewhat hurt by your impression that she is OK letting you go forever. Be careful! She may have excellent coping skills. She may not want to lose you, but that doesn't mean she is going to mope about something she can't change. You told her a black/white conclusion. She has no choice but to accept it. That is a reflection of her coping skills and her respect for your words, and not for her lack of affection for you. If you insist on looking for signs from her about how she feels about you, you will push her and anyone else away.

Consequently, you may find yourselves exhausting yourselves with conversation, with fraught exchanges when all you want to do is enjoy the view. Nobody wants the burden of spending a week staring at their last bowl of ice cream, their last cigarette, their best friend before he/she vaporizes into this air. Nor do you want the burden of trying to earn her all week long, of her evaluating you like, "Hmm, maybe he IS right for me." You resenting how hard you are working to earn her, feeling both rejected and burdened by the expectation that you are trying to win her. She isn't a prize and you aren't her soulmate.

You are people, 3-D collections of traits. That is all you offer and all you get. And that is enough. You are lovable as you are, and so is she. The question is, can you moderate your behaviors and your insecurities to create a team?

Conclusion

1. Unwind what you said. "You know, that was my emotions talking. Let's cross that bridge - whatever bridge - when we get to it."

2. Stop thinking in ALL IN/ALL OUT terms. These lead you to big drama. Think in small increments. Decide things in small increments. Maybe you reconcile enough to visit each other again. Maybe one of you moves. Maybe neither of you ever will.

3. ACCEPT that each moment of your life is worthy of your experience. Each moment, without the need for the moment to deliver some idea of a future. If your moments together are worth enjoying, then enjoy them. If your connection is more substantive, consider that. If your emotional landscapes are well matched, and your futures can be braided together, then just marry her and make some more moments.

ALWAYS value the moment you're in. It is enough. The future will arrive right on time.

OH

You live on different continents? Dude. All you have is vacation. Go on vacation. Date other people. Expect her to do the same. Don't talk about a future. If you want to go on a vacation again, go on one.

Future is irrelevant, unless you intend to live in the same place. If you intend to live in the same place, consider your futures when that same-city situation occurs.

There are few greater opportunities than the one you have to Enjoy the moment, Indulge in pleasures of the moment, Trust your company to be doing the same, Appreciate the Lightness of Being. It is only unbearable if you make it so, it is only unbearable if you want roots and can find nowhere to plant them.

She is not the garden of security for which you seek. It is silly to ask it of her. She may be in your future, and when your future arrives, you will know whether that is the case. For now, you two have the gift of intimacy between people who know and appreciate each other. Enjoy that! Don't diminish it by thinking it has to be more; it doesn't and it can't.

Now I'm sad because she seems very content with me being absent from her life in 5 weeks time, and if you reverse the roles, I'm not. Me and this girl are great together, I've just ed up and I've told her that I want to get back together at some point, she said she doesn't know what she wants, and wants to be friends for now.

You will know after the trip or at the end of the trip. You need to not push the issue during the trip. Just have fun, live in the moment, try to escalate things but don't be creep about it.

I don't think the cards are stacked in your favour at all here, to be very honest.

You live really far apart. She's told you this is more of a fun, one-last-roll-in-the-hay, farewell holiday (in so many words) Based on your last thread and this one, I don't think you're going to be happy with the results.

Also, if I remember correctly, you're the one paying for this trip, right? I seem to recall she offered to pay her share but you refused and footed the bill. Most people would not completely ghost on the person who's bankrolling their upcoming trip. She knows this was a very generous gesture on your part and probably is keeping up contact (to some extent, at least) so as not to make it totally awkward once the holiday arrives.

How about you go on this trip, but without her? Bring a buddy, or family. Get a hotel/resort away from hers. The whole idea of trying to get her back on a romantic trip is...well...pathetic (sorry). I'm pretty sure she thinks the same, but won't say it to your face.

I always go by the motto, why do you want someone who doesn't want you? She broke up with you. Now she is toying with you, dangling the idea of a getaway that may have some promised romance in it, even though she was the one who broke up with you. It seems very soured and disingenuine.

Perhaps this may lead to reconcillation, but it would be shortlived because the problems that led to the breakup will still be there. Most likely, this will not lead to reconcillation. It seems you're going to try either way so....good luck, you'll need it...

How about you go on this trip, but without her? Bring a buddy, or family. Get a hotel/resort away from hers. The whole idea of trying to get her back on a romantic trip is...well...pathetic (sorry). I'm pretty sure she thinks the same, but won't say it to your face.

 

I always go by the motto, why do you want someone who doesn't want you? She broke up with you. Now she is toying with you, dangling the idea of a getaway that may have some promised romance in it, even though she was the one who broke up with you. It seems very soured and disingenuine.

 

Perhaps this may lead to reconcillation, but it would be shortlived because the problems that led to the breakup will still be there. Most likely, this will not lead to reconcillation. It seems you're going to try either way so....good luck, you'll need it...

I appreciate your positivity!

Well, have a backup plan lol. Smartphones are great for vacation. Get to know ahead of time about the nightlife. And other activities in the area. And I don't know if you have the means financially, but be prepared to get another hotel room in case you have to. Because if things did go a little sideways, you could definitely still have a good time on your own. A contingency plan.

Also, after just reading, you live on different continents and the relationship is only 6 months old. DO NOT treat this as an attempt to get back together trip. Because you 2 weren't really together to begin with. It was more of a cyber relationship. They can be very emotional and intense, but you can't really fall in love with each other being that far away because you can't possibly really know each other. Treat it for what it is. A vacation. Have fun. If you guys hook up, you hook up, but that's it. But I really liked what IAMFCA said. You are putting WAAAAAAAAY too much pressure on yourself and her.

Be prepared mentally to do separate things if you need to on vacation. If you're anxious about the relationship, she'll get that vibe, you'll feel like crap, and it'll ruin the whole thing. Another thing, did you plan this vacation before or after you "broke up"?

Well, have a backup plan lol. Smartphones are great for vacation. Get to know ahead of time about the nightlife. And other activities in the area. And I don't know if you have the means financially, but be prepared to get another hotel room in case you have to. Because if things did go a little sideways, you could definitely still have a good time on your own. A contingency plan.

 

Also, after just reading, you live on different continents and the relationship is only 6 months old. DO NOT treat this as an attempt to get back together trip. Because you 2 weren't really together to begin with. It was more of a cyber relationship. They can be very emotional and intense, but you can't really fall in love with each other being that far away because you can't possibly really know each other. Treat it for what it is. A vacation. Have fun. If you guys hook up, you hook up, but that's it. But I really liked what IAMFCA said. You are putting WAAAAAAAAY too much pressure on yourself and her.

 

Be prepared mentally to do separate things if you need to on vacation. If you're anxious about the relationship, she'll get that vibe, you'll feel like crap, and it'll ruin the whole thing. Another thing, did you plan this vacation before or after you "broke up"?

It was booked 2 months after we broke up. I brought up the idea but after I went quiet on it, she said she wanted to see me again

It was booked 2 months after we broke up. I brought up the idea

Ouch! Really? Aw no you didn't. Who could turn down a free vacation? Now this feels more like a bribe than any chance for reconcillation...don't you dare say "well she offered or expected to pay for it". I bet my money she knew you were desperate and was going to pay her share anyway. It feels similar to going to dinner with my parents. I know they'll foot the bill and are always insistant on doing so. Nonetheless, I still offer to pay each time, even though I know the outcome.

Sorry mate. It's a last hoorah, rather than wanting to work on what you two had. People don't use farewell vacations like that. I hope you at least enjoy your vacation while it lasts.