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Extreme Attention Seeker Or?


James3270

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So about 5 days ago I posted about a woman I have dated for the last 4-5 months who I believe is a huge attention wh*re. I ended it with her a few days ago and she has been relentless in trying to get back together. I want to share some incidents that involved her attention seeking behavior and then get some input on what everyone thinks. I can't list all the incidents, but I'll list the one's that really stood out.

 

2 months into the relationship we were at a bar and she struck up a conversation with a guy sitting next to her. The conversation went on for 10 minutes straight and got to the point where she was laughing obnoxiously and had her hand on his shoulder. Later on while I was a good 20 feet away, he approached her and asked for her number but she didn't give it to him.

 

A week later we were at a concert and I noticed her making a lot of eye contact with a guy standing a few feet away from us. Eventually she got closer to him and let out an obnoxiously loud laugh and started to talk to him. The conversation between them lasted a while and I felt like a 3rd wheel or her wingman for most of the concert. The guy even followed us to the bar at one point where I finally told him she was with me.

 

Another time we were looking for gifts for her mothers birthday. We ended up splitting apart at the store. I heard her laughing loudly and eventually saw her carrying on a conversation with another guy. She was playing with her hair and her body language completely showed interest in him. I finally approached and he looked at me as if I was interrupting their conversation until he realized who I was. She made nothing of it at all.

 

Anytime there is at the very least an average looking guy around, she will go out of her way to get him to notice her. She has this obnoxious laugh that will catch anyone's attention but she only does it in these moments. I won't even say something funny and she'll laugh loudly and then look at the guy who she's trying to get attention from. Then she'll say something like "hey" or "what's up?" to start a conversation.

 

I had talked to her about this only to be told that she's just naturally friendly or she doesn't even realize she's doing it or yada yada yada. I ended it with her on Monday in a respectful way but now she's asking for a second chance and I feel really hesitant to try it again but I do have feelings for her. I just don't know if she can change and have a feeling she has some issues from childhood that are engrained in her. I was told that attention seeking behavior can lead to another guy not giving her attention to the point where she could do something sexual just to get the attention she's seeking. It's never on purpose but in her subconcious mind she constantly needs validation in order to feel good about herself. Low self esteem.

 

Do you think this is something that she can change on her own or will she need time and professional help? Have you ever been in a similiar situation with someone? I don't want to invest time if there's no point to do so.

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I don’t think this is a good or bad person thing, or a personality defect thing, I think it’s a compatibility thing.

 

Some people are flirty. Yes, they do this because they get something out of the exchange. It makes them feel good. It makes others feel good. It gives them an ego boost. It’s light and fun.

 

Some people are not like that. They view flirting as a means to an end. As a tool to get with someone or spice up your relationship. If their partner is flirting with others, it comes across as very disrespectful and cheat-y.

 

I don’t think flirty people are guaranteed to cheat or anything. I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with them.

 

I DO think that flirty people either need to be with others who are equally flirty or very very secure. People who are flirty as a tool should probably be with other like-minded people unless they are very secure.

 

I think that changing would be extremely difficult (especially if she doesn’t even realize that she’s doing it) and painful for you both. I think you are probably both just better off with more compatible people.

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Sorry but do yourself a favor and drop her for good. Her begging you for another chance is just another manifestation of attention seeking behavior and wanting to feel in control. Since you dumped her, it hurt her ego. Now she haaaas to get you to back just to patch up her ego and prove to herself that she can manipulate you like that. Don't be surprised that as soon as you take her back she ends up dumping you.

 

What she is going is highly calculated, intentional and obviously effective. That goes more onto a personality disorder spectrum rather than just a simple case of insecurities. Stay far far away.

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Agree with DF, whether she's an attention wh***, flirty, friendly or whatever, her behavior is just flat out disrespectful.

 

Re the incident wherein she was chatting up another guy so heavily, you felt like the third wheel, next time walk out. Leave them to it.

 

If it had been me and my BF did that, that is exactly what I would have done!

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RedDress, I can't agree that 2 flirty people are compatible. A couple times she got really upset with me for just talking to another female. No laughing, touching or flirting going on. When I told her nothing was going on and pointed out all the things she did, she said "I'm just being friendly., it seems like you were being too nice." Literally just small talk for a minute or 2. I think people that seek attention are very insecure and that leads to disrespectful behavior on their part. They don't see it as a problem but because they are so insecure, they are in fact very jealous people themselves, so the 2 flirts being compatible probably doesn't work.

 

Another point to add is that light flirting is not anything anybody should worry about. It's when it happens constantly and touching is involved that it crosses the line of respect. Furthermore when your SO communicates that they feel disrespected by it (if you really love them) you wouldn't have a problem changing the behavior. When you make up excuses and gaslight your SO, I feel that getting validation from others is more important to you than being in a serious relationship. Working on your own self esteem before getting involved with someone should be top priority. At least that's my opinion.

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I agree with James about flirting. It's your jealousy getting in the way. She sounds like a happy, fun-loving girl. And she seems to care about you. She's not the one that needs to change, you need to change your attitude. It's your insecurities that's getting the best of you. And being with her could be exciting. She could probably flirt her way into any party or event. But if you're going to be stuck up and be jealous and possessive, it's best to end it so she can find someone who enjoys her.

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I agree with James about flirting. It's your jealousy getting in the way. She sounds like a happy, fun-loving girl. And she seems to care about you. She's not the one that needs to change, you need to change your attitude. It's your insecurities that's getting the best of you. And being with her could be exciting. She could probably flirt her way into any party or event. But if you're going to be stuck up and be jealous and possessive, it's best to end it so she can find someone who enjoys her.

 

Agree 100% even the way you describe her actions 'obnoxiously laughing' you are clearly twisting this based on your interpretation which is clouded due to your insecurities, jealousies etc.

 

It's indicative of your future behavior as well. I have no doubt you have had jealousy issues in the past, or dated someone who caused you to have trust issues and this current woman is now paying the price.

 

I agree it sounds like she is a social, happy girl. It would be one thing if she gave the guy her number or was giving you legitimate reasons to be so angry, but she's not, it's in your head.

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It's a respect issue.

 

Absolutely agree with you James, 100% (see my last post).

 

In fact in my mind, after everything you've written, this is definitely not just a "happy fun loving girl," her behavior is not only incredibly disrespectful but also indicative of a very insecure girl who intentionally and blatantly seeks the attention of other men in her boyfriend's presence, both for the attention they provide and to solicit a reaction from you.

 

Then when you attempt to discuss, she gaslights you accusing you of being jealous, insecure, whatever.

 

If this were a woman posting describing the behavior of her boyfriend, no doubt posters would be telling her to dump him! lol

 

@figureitout, you've stated you broke up with you last boyfriend due to his jealousy - are you sure you're not subconsciously projecting that relationship on to the OP's situation?

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Do you think this is something that she can change on her own

Maybe, but not if you enable her to remain the attention seeker she is by staying with her.

 

I think she will only ever change if she is broken up with enough to hit her rock bottom and she gets help for her need to be every man's desire.

 

Block and delete her now, James so that she can stop trying to persuade you to take her back. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now however; You did the right thing for BOTH of you by ending it with her. It's refreshing to read someone who has good personal boundaries in place. Kudos.

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I have to ask... what’s her behaviour like with women? Is she friendly and engaging in the same way?

 

Very good question and something that skipped my mind to bring up. No she is not like this with females. In fact she told me early on that she doesn't get along too well with females because a lot of them seem "fake" to her. She has 2 good female friends and a couple guy friends, nothing too extreme. I do believe her 2 guy friends are really friends and never made me think twice.

 

I thought about this too and chalked it up as she see's other females as competition for attention maybe. One time she told me another woman asked her to please stop looking at her boyfriend and she told the lady she wasn't. She brought it up to illustrate this lady's insecurity. I wasn't there, but obviously it kind of fits her actions that I've witnessed in other situations.

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James if she honestly doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior, then she has really poor boundaries and knows zero about respect (for you and other men she has dated, and will date).

 

I 'd like to see how she would react/respond if you behaved the way she does; I highly doubt she would just brush it off as you simply being a happy and friendly guy.

 

Her behavior is so blatantly rude and disrespectful I am really surprised some other posters couldn't see it and blamed it on you being jealous and insecure.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinions of course, but this makes absolutely no sense to me.

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James if she honestly doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior, then she has really poor boundaries and knows zero about respect (for you and other men she has dated, and will date).

 

I 'd like to see how she would react/respond if you behaved the way she does; I highly doubt she would just brush it off as you simply being a happy and friendly guy.

 

Her behavior is so blatantly rude and disrespectful I am really surprised some other posters couldn't see it and blamed it on you being jealous and insecure.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinions of course, but this makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

Thank you Katrina. I feel exactly the same way and I have 2 friends who do too, but another that doesn't see it as over the top.

 

My only question really was if she could change her behavior on her own, but I already kind of felt she couldn't. I think it goes deeper than just a mild issue. Some of these posters I completely disagree with as far as just brushing it off or making assumptions without asking questions first. She even admitted that she has had these problems come up in the past. To me it's the common denominator theory.

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Figureitout23: I have to ask how old you are because either you are very young or ignorant. I do NOT mean that in a disrespectful way. It's just all the assumptions you are making. Please don't take offense.

 

I don't take offense to it at all, proves my point to be quite honest. You get angry and combative when things aren't seen your way.

 

'You either have respect for yourself or you don't'

 

So you're insinuating that her talking to people of the opposite sex is somehow disrespecting herself, PLEASE elaborate.

 

Better yet don't it's not even worth it respect yourself and if you're a bad match you leave instead of bashing her on a message board. She's obnoxious to you right? Doesn't seem like you care about her, why stay?

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I know a friend like this. It's pretty irritating because she has always had a boyfriend and she'll talk so much about all of the other guys who try to flirt with her. Don't get me wrong, I would have no problem if she was single and talked about it casually (like some of my other girl friends - yeah, many girls get hit on quite a bit without provoking it), but she makes a huge point out of it where her voice will get obnoxiously loud and laugh excessively. I think, are you high girl??? And she was; high on the attention she could garner. It's obvious.

 

I am still distant friends with her because I've known her for a long time, but her moral compass bothers me. I've seen her flirt blatantly with other guys while she already has a man, even with my guy friends. She pretty much cheated with some of my guy friends (emotionally, would kiss/touch/dance with them, lead them on after guys confessed to her - all under the guise of friendships) and blamed her boyfriends for being "jealous". Believe me, your ex was tame with these guys while in your presence. If you waited a little longer, you would have heard more about what goes on outside of your sight.

 

I have tried to nudge her into seeing how wrong she has been, since she asked, but to no avail. Now I just keep any of my guy friends away and keep her at arms length. She is still a fun girl to be around, although she likes male attention too much. I see your ex in her. Believe me, she won't change. She doesn't see it as anything other than friendly banter, which couldn't be further from the truth.

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I don't take offense to it at all, proves my point to be quite honest. You get angry and combative when things aren't seen your way.

 

'You either have respect for yourself or you don't'

 

So you're insinuating that her talking to people of the opposite sex is somehow disrespecting herself, PLEASE elaborate.

 

Better yet don't it's not even worth it respect yourself and if you're a bad match you leave instead of bashing her on a message board. She's obnoxious to you right? Doesn't seem like you care about her, why stay?

 

figureitout, I've been agreeing with you lately but not about this.

 

Her behavior goes way beyond simply talking to people of the opposite sex, and no she's not disrespecting herself, she's disrespecting him by so blatantly seeking the attention of other men while in her boyfriend's presence!

 

I mean it's just so obvious, I wonder did we read the same original post?

 

Anyway, please read his post again and imagine your own boyfriend behaving that way while out with you.

 

I mean really put yourself in the OP's shoes.

 

ETA: And where did James become angry and combative? Again are we reading the same thread?

 

He's explaining the situation, quite calmly and rationally from what I read.

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figureitout, I've been agreeing with you lately but not about this.

 

Her behavior goes way beyond simply talking to people of the opposite sex, and no she's not disrespecting herself, she's disrespecting him by so blatantly seeking the attention of other men while in her boyfriend's presence!

 

I mean it's just so obvious, I wonder did we read the same original post?

 

Anyway, please read his post again and imagine your own boyfriend behaving that way while out with you.

 

I mean really put yourself in the OP's shoes.

 

Understood.

 

Like I said in another post, the way I read posts, I don't just look on the surface, I couldn't even if I wanted to, my brain just doesn't work like that. It can be an advantage and a disadvantage.

 

I personally did not see a single example of any blantant or obvious line crossing, in fact when a man offered her his number and she declined.

 

So my brain tells me ok there's no evidence, this is based solely on the posters impression, I've been hit on while with significant others, it happens. if this girl is a joy to be around and happy and easy to get along with she will get attention. he is giving us these events through his lens. ok how does the poster speak of her, 'obnoxious', HUGE red flag, 'how can I change her' another red flag.

 

The poster has in my opinion extreme reactions to posters that give him advice that challenges his world view, yet another flashing light.

 

So where's the evidence she is actually doing anything wrong? He said his friend didn't see it, if it's as blatant as he's insinuating, people would notice, in my opinion.

 

He said she doesn't have female friends because she states they don't get along, that's the one red flag on her end I can clearly see.

 

At the end of the day, a woman or man acting disrespectful to you, in front of you, blatantly, why even wonder? It's blatant, you're dating, you're getting to know one another, you're learning who she is, you don't like it, you decide to end things.

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@figureitout, you've stated you broke up with you last boyfriend due to his jealousy - are you sure you're not subconsciously projecting that relationship on to the OP's situation?

 

Oh God, if I knew a man talked about me to other people especially strangers in this manner, I don't even know what I'd do.

 

I won't lie, I'm not digging deep into my pysche, so there could be some triggers, but I don't think I was effected enough by that breakup to be effecting me so long after, again just being honest.

 

The way she was spoken about is what immediately caused me to pause.

 

How do you describe someone you want to date and build a relationship with as 'obnoxious' to me that's just ...mean.... and unhealthy.

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I don't take offense to it at all, proves my point to be quite honest. You get angry and combative when things aren't seen your way.

 

'You either have respect for yourself or you don't'

 

So you're insinuating that her talking to people of the opposite sex is somehow disrespecting herself, PLEASE elaborate.

 

Better yet don't it's not even worth it respect yourself and if you're a bad match you leave instead of bashing her on a message board. She's obnoxious to you right? Doesn't seem like you care about her, why stay?

 

I guess anyone who posts on ENA about a problem with their partner is bashing them huh? His question was can she change, which I believe is no. Don't touch that cookie. She is obnoxious and he didn't stay, she's begging him back.

 

It is very disrespectful to yourself and a SO, regarding this ex's behavior. Like I mentioned, it is similar to my friend that loves male attention, who flirts and brags unsolicited. Others see it and you see it. It's honestly very sad, pathetic, and you make a spectacle of yourself.

 

People like this do the things they do out of insecurity and it's obvious they are. If that isn't disrespect to yourself or the guy you're dating, then what is? This behavior is in no way admirable or a quality that is in high regard, which is the opposite of respect (aka disrespect). Don't get me started on how this is disrespectful to a committed relationship...

 

P.S. I know I'm going to get the "you're just jealous of your friend" comment from some of the posters who don't agree with the stance above, so let me quench your concerns; I'm not, I just feel bad for these kinds of people to be so insecure and project it onto their undeserving partners. Yeah, there sure are jealous partners out there, but this one is a legit case of bad girlfriend.

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It is very disrespectful to yourself and a SO, regarding this ex's behavior. Like I mentioned, it is similar to my friend that loves male attention, who flirts and brags unsolicited. Others see it and you see it. It's honestly very sad, pathetic, and you make a spectacle of yourself.

 

People like this do the things they do out of insecurity and it's obvious they are. If that isn't disrespect to yourself or the guy you're dating, then what is? This behavior is in no way admirable or a quality that is in high regard, which is the opposite of respect (aka disrespect). Don't get me started on how this is disrespectful to a committed relationship...

 

P.S. I know I'm going to get the "you're just jealous of your friend" comment from some of the posters who don't agree with the stance above, so let me quench your concerns; I'm not, I just feel bad for these kinds of people to be so insecure and project it onto their undeserving partners. Yeah, there sure are jealous partners out there, but this one is legit.

 

I won't say you're jealous, but maybe projecting. We don't really know how she's acting, there's no concrete evidence it's all based on someone's explanation of the situation, through his lens.

 

I can't pinpoint where she disrespected herself. For all we know she's an beautiful girl who gets a lot of attention. It would be one thing if she cheated or took numbers, she did none of that.

 

Katrina, speaking of that last relationship and jealousy issues, we went out one night to a bar and he was blatantly getting hit on by a girl at the bar, I mean it was bad, he talked to her and was friendly, I mean what was he supposed to do, slap her and say, back off! I'm with her! Anyway yeah it was bad, I could not stop laughing because it was obvious to me he was just tying to be nice but didn't really want her to keep talking to him.

 

I have my own issues, but jealousy has never been one of them, but I can see that evening being seen completely differently if I were the jealous type.

 

"Why is he talking to her?"

 

"Why is he being so nice?"

 

"Why doesn't he make it more obvious we're together"

 

We can create our reality.

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I personally did not see a single example of any blantant or obvious line crossing, in fact when a man offered her his number and she declined.

 

 

I feel like I am quoting nearly the entire original post, but since you asked.

 

 

2 months into the relationship we were at a bar and she struck up a conversation with a guy sitting next to her. The conversation went on for 10 minutes straight and got to the point where she was laughing obnoxiously and had her hand on his shoulder. Later on while I was a good 20 feet away, he approached her and asked for her number but she didn't give it to him.

 

A week later we were at a concert and I noticed her making a lot of eye contact with a guy standing a few feet away from us. Eventually she got closer to him and let out an obnoxiously loud laugh and started to talk to him. The conversation between them lasted a while and I felt like a 3rd wheel or her wingman for most of the concert.

Another time we were looking for gifts for her mothers birthday. We ended up splitting apart at the store. I heard her laughing loudly and eventually saw her carrying on a conversation with another guy. She was playing with her hair and her body language completely showed interest in him. I finally approached and he looked at me as if I was interrupting their conversation until he realized who I was.

 

Anytime there is at the very least an average looking guy around, she will go out of her way to get him to notice her. She has this obnoxious laugh that will catch anyone's attention but she only does it in these moments. I won't even say something funny and she'll laugh loudly and then look at the guy who she's trying to get attention from. Then she'll say something like "hey" or "what's up?" to start a conversation.

 

No she did not give him her number, that wasn't her goal (not yet anyway). Her goal was seeking this guy's attention, which she did quite adeptly from what I just read.

 

I mean placing her hand on this man's shoulder (whom she had never met prior) while talking and laughing with him? While her boyfriend was sitting beside her?

 

Do you honestly think this is appropriate behavior for a woman in a committed relationship, especially while out with her boyfriend?

 

Is this something you would do while out with your boyfriend? Would you be okay if your boyfriend were to touch another woman while talking and laughing with her, while you were sitting beside him?

 

ALL of it was inappropriate and disrespectful behavior for a woman in a committed RL, but if you don't see it that way, then fair enough, nothing left to discuss! :D

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