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Journey of a Broken Soul


Doosha

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I am opening this thread in this topic, because I know and see signs that everything will be OK.

I'll write it as a diary, but feel free to jump in and express your opinions on limited info I provide. Don't get pessimistic and/or annoyed if I don't agree with you opinion.

 

Brief intro (I don't want to reveal too much as I don't want to risk being exposed to someone who might know me).

- 5 year relationship (2 years LDR, 3 yrs living together)

- Instant connection from day one

- Best friends, would tell everything to eachother

- A year into living together, bickering started. Daily stresses bc of financial crisis, work, being tired, school, decrease in sex

- A promise was broken, and trust was hurt from that day

- 2 week distance (travel), he comes back full of love and happiness, asks me if I would say yes to being his wife

- Bickering continues soon after (I have to admit this was a mixture of my insecurities and jealousy and his lies)

- First break (2 weeks)

- a year later he says he wants a break up. To my crying face he says "we will never ever be together again. I don't see us happy in the future." (2 months)

- Comes home one morning from a wedding, tells me he realized what an idiot he was and how much he loves me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and only with me.

- Communication becomes better and more open

- He slips into depression and pushes everyone away (including me).

- Cheats (kiss) + I find out by snooping on his Facebook = big fight breakup with me packing and kicking his stuff out of the house (Drama I know)

- Continues to hangs around, calls, texts, visits, I cry, he cries, we can't separate

- One day I tell him I'm done and go into NC

- 2 weeks later he finds a way to sneak back in my life

- 2 and a half weeks ago I start NC again

 

And here we are... He tested the waters for a while, but is now in NC as well. When we cross paths accidentally, he avoids me.

He does ask about me (through a friend). He seems happy as is. However, I wonder as I've heard something today...

 

I'm working on myself - mediation, affirmations, LoA, gym, new hobbies...

There is someone who is trying to win me over, but I can't yet... I'm not ready to have anything with anyone.

I love being single.

I miss my best friend though.

I miss my soulmate.

 

I can't wait for the day when we will start our lives together.

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This time I need NC to heal.

Just seeing him - I cry for three days.

I got addicted to him. To his love.

I want to be independent again.

To be happy when I'm alone.

To love myself.

 

Other than that, he always had everything on a silver plate with me.

I would be there whenever he would need me. I would spend hours listening him complain and cry.

I would cook, clean, listen, come up with interesting ideas just to be ignored, disrespected and blamed for his unhappiness.

 

He wasn't always like this.

He looked at me as I'm a goddess.

He admired me and proudly talked about me to all of his friends/family.

But I spoiled him, and in the meantime his ego grew and my confidence decreased until I felt he is much much better than me, and it's me who is guilty for all the fighting.

 

I want to get stronger.

I want him to get down to Earth and realize what he had.

 

I will start LC in 2 weeks. If I feel better then.

 

Do you mind if I ask why you think LC is better (in my situation)?

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Any relationship that has to have breaks is very unlikely to be viable in the long term.

 

It sounds like he was just immature with no idea of what he wants.

 

Waiting around for someone to realize that they want you is a waste of time.

 

It also doesn't seem to ever work, especially since you are still there to them so they already have you to themselves in their mind.

 

It looks like a relationship that should have ended after the honeymoon phase yet you both refused to let it go, especially him.

 

A good partner doesn't work their @ss of to win you over then stop trying after they are with you.

 

A good partner always makes that effort.

 

I told my wife when we got married that it ment nothing to me, that I have no preconceived ideas that you will always be here, now that we are bound by marriage.

 

That if she wants to leave at anytime that is fine. So I just needed to be a husband\father she would have to be crazy to walk away from.

 

But a ton of effort and desire in the short term doesn't really mean anything. A bratty child will put forth effort to get a toy, only to discard it when they see a toy they want more.

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Oh, and when I say that I said I'm done and went NC - it's because he repeatedly told me we can't get back together because everything will be the same.

His words: "I love you, but we are not compatible"

 

I can't be just a friend with someone who I wanted to have kids and family one day (for the first and probably last time in my life). I'm just not a "let's get married and have bunch of kids" type of girl.

I did want it all with him.

And he is not my first long relationship.

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Waiting around for someone to realize that they want you is a waste of time.

 

Who said I'm waiting. I'm not waiting for anything. Or at least I'm not wasting my time. I'm getting better and once I do, I will live my life to the fullest. But it will happen. We will be back together.

 

It also doesn't seem to ever work, especially since you are still there to them so they already have you to themselves in their mind.

 

Not sure I understand this. What do you mean I'm still there?

 

It looks like a relationship that should have ended after the honeymoon phase yet you both refused to let it go, especially him.

 

I'm sorry but relationships end when they are suppose to, and you don't have enough information to make assumptions like this.

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I understand all of your points, however I opened this topic not to get a magic overnight solution to my situation, but to vent and write during this journey.

Hopefully one day will help someone learn something or maybe even I will learn something when I come back to this.

 

I accept all opinions, and I am not aggravated at anybody.

However, again, judgement, assumptions and "this is how it is" statements cannot be made based on a brief forum post.

As you know each relationship has two sides and multi-million little specific situations that contribute to its success or failure.

There is no chance I could fit all of it even if I write until tomorrow. and that would be just my side.

 

So, if you want to help - help with my progress towards a better tomorrow and don't analyze and make claims on the past, because you were not part of it.

And I know this is a written word and you can read my feelings, but I am not saying this in an aggravated voice :)

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Again, I will not provide too much detail as I don't want to reveal my personal life online and for someone I know (even him) to come to this. Also, as I said ... this is a journey thread where I will write what Im going through day by day, until it gets better.

 

I am not looking for anyone to analyze my relationship. I just wanted to give some background, for the story to be easily followed. And who knows, maybe someone will recognize their story in mine.

So, if you want to play an online psychologist and help explain to someone why their relationship didn't work out there are plenty of other threads.

This one is focused on the now and on the future.

MY future.

If I believe that my future has him in it, it is my right and I haven't asked for opinions on that.

Right or wrong - it's my journey.

 

That being said, I will simple ignore any analytical, "let me play a shrink" posts, but it's a public forum and I can't prevent you to post them.

I know all of you want us broken souls the best, and I appreciate the offer but it's just not what I am looking for right now.

 

Thank you.

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Days are passing and I'm getting stronger.

 

I have low days when it seems like EVERYONE is leaving me and I start thinking it's me.

But, I found my therapy.

I found my source of light.

I go back to it.

I'm rising.

I'm growing.

I'm getting better.

I'm learning how to be happy with myself. Alone.

Independent.

Loved by me.

 

You...on the other side... are falling deeper and deeper in the abyss.

2 little words and you could be saved.

But your pride is still holding you back.

I will not offer first.

I will not throw myself into your darkness again.

Reach your hand out and you shall be saved.

 

I'm loved.

I'm proud.

I'm strong.

I'm happy.

 

I will be fine without you.

I will be even better with you.

 

Reach your hand out....

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He sounds unsure of himself and may suffer from some mental health issues. Making grandiose claims and then saying you're not compatible and contradicting it later, is not a solution for a healthy relationship. He needs to figure his end out before he can be with somebody.

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Johnny Utah - thank you. We talked about it already, and he had one counseling session for which he said it helped and he wants to continue, but never did. :(

 

.

.

.

 

Today is one of those days.

I'm feeling down. I feel lost.

From tomorrow I'll be all alone. And it scares me.

It scares me to come home from work and be alone with the white walls and silence.

I feel major changes are coming my way, and I know I need to get up and chase them.

But... what if they take me too far away from you? From us?

 

Now it seems like I'm losing you, too.

Although I already lost you long time ago.

Why can't you find motivation to fight for yourself?

Why did you let go?

You think I don't, but I know... I see... I hear from people how much you ask about me. How happy you were that I gave you a hug.

I see the missing in your eyes.

But we both know that we need to get better and stronger first.

I am on my way.

Where are you?

Why are you sinking instead of rising?

 

WAKE UP!

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One of the things that anchors me is to remind myself that anxiety and sadness are not actually PRESENT.

 

They are either about things lost (past) or something to come (future).

 

To me, that means it doesn't have to exist in the present because it already happened or it won't happen because I can't predict the future.

 

Don't give power to something that's either gone or won't occur.

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Johnny - did you read "Power of Now" ? This book really helps me get better each day, and what you said sounds like you read it :)

 

Anyways, back to my journey.

 

Yes, I am alone.

For the first time in my life I am 100% on my own.

Family is far far away.

My best friend and love of my life is here, but not really.

I chased away a group of people pretending to be my friends when they were just using me.

Yes, I am anxious. Being an introvert it's not easy to get new group of people, but I want to try and see how it is to truly be on your own.

I am much better mentally. Yes, I have bad days, but I found my cure to get up. I am getting stronger each day. I will be fine.

 

The only confusing thing is you in my life again. We always find way back to each other. Why are we so connected?

You keep me wondering what is behind all of this... I try not to listen to people around me, telling me you want to come back... I know I have to wait until you say it yourself, to even consider such option.

I am not going to predict or hope.

Right now you are not clear enough, and that is enough for me to continue getting stronger without you.

When a moment comes when you will openly tell me what is that you want, that is when I will think about it.

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Once again you push me away.

I'm tired of these games, hot and cold.

I know you are not doing it purposefully, but I can't allow it anymore.

I am not a person who is going to play control games.

You know that oh so very well.

 

I'm starting from scratch once again, but I can do it!

If I did it so many times, I'll succeed again.

And don't expect favors from me.

Don't call me only when you need me or something from me.

I am NOT there anymore.

You lost that right.

 

I will defeat this pain.

I will be happy again!

I will be strong and confident again.

I cannot wait to go home and recharge.

I will come back stronger and happier.

 

I am not around for you anymore.

I swear to myself today and now that I will talk to you ONLY if you have something specific to say.

Forget about friendship.

Forget about your punching bag.

 

The focus is on me and only me from this moment forward!

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Today I made few lists.

One was about us at the begging.

Everything we did for each other. How our days were. How you were. How I was.

 

The other list was about how it was once the honeymoon phase was over.

I put all the goods and bads next to each other.

Not just yours, but mine as well. This really helped me realize how I was treated and how I treated you.

It opens my eyes and helps me with this NC stage of our story...

 

What happened? I know it wasn't over night, but... when did it start?

From the most gentle, caring person who looked at me with eyes full of love and pride... to eyes never looking at me, and only seeing me as your enemy????

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Johnny - did you read "Power of Now" ? This book really helps me get better each day, and what you said sounds like you read it :)

 

Anyways, back to my journey.

 

Yes, I am alone.

For the first time in my life I am 100% on my own.

Family is far far away.

My best friend and love of my life is here, but not really.

I chased away a group of people pretending to be my friends when they were just using me.

Yes, I am anxious. Being an introvert it's not easy to get new group of people, but I want to try and see how it is to truly be on your own.

I am much better mentally. Yes, I have bad days, but I found my cure to get up. I am getting stronger each day. I will be fine.

 

The only confusing thing is you in my life again. We always find way back to each other. Why are we so connected?

You keep me wondering what is behind all of this... I try not to listen to people around me, telling me you want to come back... I know I have to wait until you say it yourself, to even consider such option.

I am not going to predict or hope.

Right now you are not clear enough, and that is enough for me to continue getting stronger without you.

When a moment comes when you will openly tell me what is that you want, that is when I will think about it.

 

Great catch! I believe I did. Very profound.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Its been over two weeks, so lets update the journal.

 

In these two weeks Ive learned how to cut my downs and to get right back up.

Ive learned drinking and partying only makes me feel terrible.

Ive learned I hate dating apps, and I just need it to happen spontaneously. So, im letting it go.

Ive learned I am not ready for a new guy or even flirting. Makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Loneliness is still killing my vibe, but that is slowly getting better, too.

 

Its been a little bit over 4 months.

I still miss my best friend.

I still have the feeling in my gut.

But Im letting it happen as its meant to be.

Either we will get back together or we will not. Im fine with both.

I now know I will be fine either way.

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Today is a day when my thoughts are preoccupying my brain and although Im fighting against them (the bad ones), they are still emerging to the surface.

I feel like my logic and my gut are in a war. My brain is telling me one thing, while my intuition is screaming another.

What should I listen?

Someone told me that this gut feeling will go away. Its been over 4 months and it didnt go away.

And yes, i would think that i have the feeling because the way I think, but honestly I think completely opposite of what i feel and its still there.

 

Can a person go crazy if there is such a battle within?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Oh wow!

Today I came across our old conversations.

And I've realized something.

IT WASN'T ALL YOU!

It was me, too!

 

You were right. I changed so much after I came back home.

To every +, I throw 5 -'s to you!

To every try, I put us down.

 

I am sorry.

I am soooo sorry.

That is not me.

That was never me!

I know now.

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I am glad I had the opportunity to tell you I'm sorry for my part.

It put my soul at ease.

I feel less burdened now.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for saying a sincere "Im sorry, too".

 

I still dont know how to move on without you, but Im not fighting my feelings anymore.

Day by day, and we will see what will happen.

I just know I have to keep my head up, and keep pushing until something good comes to me.

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  • 1 year later...

In a month it will be exactly two years since we lost us. Where did the time go?

 

The pain is gone. Not completely, it still finds its way to crawl back to my mind. But there are definitely more good days than bad.

 

My soul still feels empty.

I cannot seem to connect to anyone.

I met couple of interesting men, but at the end never connected to them in a way I need/want.

Maybe its me, not letting myself to fall for someone, maybe it just wasnt meant to be.

I dont know anymore.

 

I did come to a realization couple of weeks ago that I am afraid of loving because I dont want to lose myself to someone ever again.

Im scared I'll end up alone.

I really am.

But Im working on it.

Beacuse I know it's on me.

 

So much has changed in my life.

Im better.

I love myself again.

I love my life.

Im strong.

I stand tall.

 

But, two years later I still feel peace only when I see you holding me in your arms. This is only in my third eye.

It has been NC for months now.

Havent seen you in over 6 months.

You proved again that you are thinking only about yourself.

That helped me stop wishing you to come back.

But the ambyss in my soul is still there.

Something is missing. Something big.

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